my fiance's church is ugly.

lintran1785

I am a non catholic marrying into a catholic family.  His family are parishioners of a non traditional designed church that is structured horonzontally so that there are more pews closer to alter. So to make my enterance, I am walking down the aisle from a side door and than turning 90 degrees to walk down the center aisle.  Do we having to get married at his church or can we look around at other churches and how do we go about doing that?

agapecarrie

A parish church is more than merely a building. It represents the larger church community in a very real way. If fi's family is any way remotely tied to this parish besides merely being in the boundaries, the best thing is to have the wedding there. 

There is a minor canonical jurisdiction with pastors and people in their parishes. If you ended up at a different church, there is an extra pastor permission needed for this. "Church shopping" is also not looked highly upon.

Contrary to popular trends, the wedding is not about the "bride's walk down the aisle". In fact, the suggested way is for the couple to walk together. 

Calypso1977

the church is not supposed to serve as a pretty backdrop for your wedding. 

agape is correct - in a catholic ceremony, the bride and groom are technically supposed to approach the altar together.  however, many still want the secular procession of the bride being "given away" by her father and most priests will usually allow this.

is there a side door opposite the side door you would be walking in?  perhaps your groom can enter from teh other side, meet you in the middle, adn then walk down the aisle together.  that would also give you a first look if that is important to you.

my H and i walked down the aisle together.  we really enjoyed it.

Riss91

the knot is eating posts again! ugh!

lalaith50

First, I absolutely hate most "modern" churches and I think the people who design them thinking they're being all "trendy" and "innovative" are absolutely ridiculous, so I totally feel your pain!

Secondly, I used to work at a church that was a gorgeous, little, traditional, country church, and if I understand correctly, *because* it was an official, legal, "historical landmark," it was one of the few churches in the diocese that didn't have a problem letting non-parishioners get married there, as long as they supplied their own priest. (It happened all the time.) So maybe you could research and see if there is a church like that nearby? (The older/prettier the church is, the more likely they are to be a historic landmark.) Also, since I see you're in Chicago, if it's anything like Cleveland or Detroit (which I'm familiar with,) then there will be lots of beautiful, old, but VERY poor churches in some of the inner-city neighborhoods. (They were too poor to get "wreck-o-vated" in the 1970s/80s.) Most of them will GLADLY take $1000 or whatever to marry you! They'll probably just require you to register as parishioners, but might not if you explain that you live far away and will probably be attending another parish. So you might want to try researching some of those also. If, however, you do go the route of bringing your own priest to another church, then obviously you're going to have to find out if your priest is ammenable to the idea, and sympathetic to your wanting a prettier church, b/c if he's not, then you're kind of stuck.

So anyhow, while technically Agape and Calypso are correct about the church not needing to be "pretty," I totally understand and agree with you that it sucks that people have thought it a bright idea to build ugly churches representing nothing more than us all being a big family, while they have forgotten the significance of what all the old cathedrals (for example in Europe,) represent; their towering spires helping us to lift our hearts and souls to Heaven, and the reverence and awe we should feel for God's divine majesty.

MedStudent13

You can get married at a different parrish. I would suggest keeping you future in-laws parish priest though. Just contact parish offices during office hours.

Tami87

While I strongly I agree that a church is not just a pretty backdrop, we are getting married not in our home parish (which is in Maryland) or FI's parents home parish in St. Louis (which is the city where the wedding will be).

We are getting married at the Shrine of St. Joseph, which like Lalaith's example is a church that will marry non-members and encourages you to bring in your own priest. (FI really wanted to have the priest he grew up with marry us, who has since moved from his parents parish). It is owned by the Archdiocese of St. Louis but is leased to The Friends of the Shrine of St. Joseph which is a non-profit group dedicated to restoring and preserving the Shrine as a landmark.

Some churches have a non-member fee, where as others may only allow you to be married there if you have been a member for a set amount of time (usually 6 months - year). As previous posters mentioned, I also had to get the priest at my home parish to write a letter to the priest that is marrying us to get permission to not be married in my home parish.

Once you are married do you plan to continue to attend FI's parents church? Will you be moving, or is there a church closer to where you live that you could become members of (and continue to attend as a family after your wedding). This may be more meaningful than trying to just find a pretty church.

Chloeagh

You sound like my FI (although he is Catholic). The church that is meaningful to me is not a big fancy embelished church. So we'll probably just get married in his church.

But you aren't Catholic and this is his family's church. If it is extremely meaningful to him, you need to recognize that. Marriage and the wedding day are so much more than how you have to walk down the isle. Talk to your FI about why it is important for him to get married in this church and please try to be open to that.

I'll let the other women here answer your question much more thoroughly.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_my-fiances-church-is-ugly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7119948c-6bd8-4481-9d8f-8619f7b6b61fPost:c1be0a1e-cc75-4650-bd6d-67c3e407e83b">Re: my fiance's church is ugly.</a>:
[QUOTE]the knot is eating posts again! ugh!
Posted by Riss91[/QUOTE]

THIS!  =(

I'm with Lala.  I really dislike the design of some of the more modern churches.  That said, I attended the parish in the city H and I are moving to, and while it was a more modern design, I felt really "at home" there after just one day.  So, while you're not Catholic, does your FI have any special attachment to his parents' church?  That would be my biggest hesitation in suggesting that you go looking for somewhere else.

Everyone has given good advice on what to do to find another church.  You really should try to find a place where you and FI can "make your home," so to speak.  We wanted the church where we were married to be where our children were raised and received their sacraments, you know?

Riss91

I wouldn't be concerned about the logisitics of walking in, but i would understand not wanting to be married in a Church where the structure/decor didn't fit in with your perspective of the Church.

The parish that is most local to us turned the interior into a romperoom mess of neon colors. I feel uncomfortable with it - it just seems irreverent to me. So, I would have looked for a different parish if I was getting married now. I would try to pick one that had some special significance to me/my family.

Here is the ceiling of oru local parish. It hurts my eyes:

erin5286

A lot of ladies have given good responses, but still chime in.  My FI and I are getting married in a church where neither of us were members - not that we don't attend church there, we do, but neither of us has ever registered as members.  We just have to pay a higher fee than members would.

Luckily, the church (cathedral actually) is gorgeous, but that's not why we picked it.  We want to get married there because it's the church we go to now, and plan to continue going to unless we move.

So I guess my answer is you CAN get married in a church where neither of you are members, but I would make sure that your fiance is OK with not getting married in his family church.  If you do choose another, choosing the location where you and FI will "make your home" as professorscience talked about is a good option, if it's possible

egm900

We're getting married close to my family, who is not Catholic and we have no special connection to any Catholic Church there.  The city we wanted to get married in had two, one that felt like the Church to me and one that did not (very modern, looked like a meeting hall with an altar at the front).  

If FI is fine with switching churches, I say look into it if you're not comfortable in the family church, in New Orleans getting married in a different church is not a big deal.  I wasn't Catholic when we got engaged, but we agreed to get married in the Church, and the modern church didn't feel like church to me.

ootmother2

M & E were married on Cape Cod and but she was born and raised in NYC.  E's parents had a church on the Cape but it's very unattractive and E had only been there a few times as he was away at college most of that time.

So they went church shopping on Cape Cod.  They found Our Lady of Assumption which is one of the most beautiful churches I had ever seen and just perfect for the size of their wedding.

I think this may be increasing as more and more couples meet away from their childhood homes and want a place that just suits "them"

futuremrsbruno

How important is it for him to get married there? If the answer is very, then I think you should suck it up and figure out a way to maybe make it more to your liking. I don't really know what you can do about your walk, but I'm sure a few decorations would make the church look nicer.

I was a BM in a church like this. To be honest, I think it made the bride's entrance more dramatic. Not only were we able to see the altar and the groom well before he was able to see us, but the way the aisle is set up allows you to take in the whole thing, not just get a straight view down the aisle to the altar. You can see who is there to support you and see how everything you worked for came together. For my friend, the walk behind the pews she had until she had to turn and come down between them to the altar was the chance for her to gather her thoughts and take it all in before her emotions got the better of her. Once she made her turn and came down the aisle to the altar, the groom could see her and it was quite the moment. He looked at her and his breath caught. It was a beautiful moment. For her it was like seeing her prince charming from a distance and then all of a sudden he saw her, too.

And, at the end of the day it's not at all about the entrance, the aisle, the pews or the altar. It's about you and your FI entering into the sacrament of marriage. That's the important part.