"Day after" brunch

IG.muse

If you had some sort of a "day after" breakfast, brunch or lunch, who did you invite? My parents will be paying for it and we planned on inviting only out of town guests from my side of the family. We're planning to have the brunch at my parents' house. My parents don't know anyone from FI's side and can't really afford to double the guest list. My FI isn't close to any of his parents' wedding guests either. Do we have to invite them? Will it be awkward for his parents not to have any of their guests there? Should that bother me? After all, this is an event that is kind of optional etiquette-wise to start with, so I don't think I should feel guilty about this. Right? Thanks, ladies. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

hrparker

Honestly (and please don't think I'm attacking you, just offering advice), I would find this incredibly rude as a guest.It doesn't matter who's hosting a wedding event - a wedding is to celebrate BOTH of you.  Inviting only your side of the family to the brunch would be like only inviting your side to the reception.  Not kosher.You can either (1) nix the brunch all together; (2) invite everyone, but make it clear it's a pay your own way thing - in which case, you'll need to tweak the "invitation" part of the whole thing; (3) invite everyone, and scale it down so that whoever's paying can afford to pay for everyone; or (4) invite everyone and come up with the funds to cover the cost of everyone yourself.

prokadima

Have you run this idea past your FI's parents? If their relatives really aren't close would they expect to be invited to such an event? My FI and I are considering a B & B Riverboat cruise for our rehearsal dinner. In addition to the bridal party and their spouses, we'd like to invite all of our relatives that would already be in town. We are not planning on inviting friends that are in from out of town - just relatives. I feel a bit bad about that, but I don't think that is too unreasonable.

Christine.Louie

We invited all OOT family and close friends and DH and I paid as our special thank you to those that had to go out of their way to come for our wedding.  We held ours at Mimi's Cafe and it was surprisingly reasonable in terms of cost.I agree with Heather.  If you can't invite both sides of the family, don't do a brunch at all.  I could totally see hurt feelings if word got out.

KJ42008

I think it's completely acceptable to do this! My parents are doing the SAME thing! Both sets of families will be at the wedding. You don't need to continue with events including both sides. The day after my parents informed my dad's side that they are more than welcome to stop by on their way home. They will all be driving from out of town and this is something that has been done in my family many times. All my relatives in Cleveland always have had a small little get together the day after the wedding with just the one side. There is no need for your parents to invite the other side. I already informed my FI's mom about what my parents are doing and they do not question it one bit. they already have many relatives staying with them and are spending time with those family members! Do what you feel is best. But like I said. I have seen this done many times. This is my parents way of just seeing their family one last time and offer them some snacks before they hit the road!

jiml

Our reception is at the Radisson Riverfront and they will be blocking off part of the Revolving Restaurant the next morning for us for a brunch. Anyone who comes will have to pay for themselves... it's just not an expense we can pick up. We will tell close friends and family about the brunch. I have it in a newsletter I'm making for our bridal party. The OOT guests will get a note in their bag stating that the Radisson offers a brunch (a very good one to be honest) and that the bride and groom will be eating at 10:30 if you'd like to join the next morning and it's $15pp. Hope that helps.

mrs.dilligaf

We did a grill out and just had DHs close friends.  Most people were too tired, but we wanted to spend more time with his friend from Phoenix.  Don't stress to much about it, I can honestly tell you I just about fell asleep when I was listening to the other wives talk about paint colors (seriously).  One of my BMs was married to a GM, so she was there (and she abandoned me to go sit with the guys, leaving me with the paint queens), but my MOH and other two weren't.  I think they may have been a tad hungover.I think you should ask DHs parents their feelings on the situation.  Since it's at your parents house, that may be a good indicator to limit it.  It's easier to ask the in laws and allow them to graciously decline than to have them wonder about it later.  For instance: "MIL, about the day after brunch, is there anyone that you would like to be there?  We don't have that much room, but I'd hate to overlook anyone important..."  You're giving her the option to say no, or invite a select few people, but not everyone.  HTH!

IG.muse

Thanks, everyone. I feel like this is such an ambiguous issue because one set of etiquette rules applies if I think of it as a "thank you" brunch for guests for taking the time and expense to travel to the wedding and another set of rules applies if I think of it as a private family reunion my parents are hosting for their friends and family (like KJ said). You wouldn't invite strangers to your home for a birthday or a holiday, after all. And I think it would be awkward for FI's parents' friends to be invited to essentially strangers' home. Neither my parents not my FI and I have any more money to spend on this and I don't feel right about inviting people and asking them to pay. Plus we can't fit so many people in my parents' house. And the weather might not be conducive to a grill out in April. Mrs Dilligaf, thank you so much for suggesting that nice tactful way of asking FI's parents about inviting a couple close friends. I'm sure we could accommodate a few more couples. Hopefully FI's parents can limit the guest list. Have all of you been invited to day after brunches by "the other side of the family" before?

hrparker

I think Dilligraf's suggestion is a good one, but still, if you're inviting all of the OOT guests from your side, you really need to invite all of the OOT guests from your FI's side.  I think you can help to limit things by telling MIL that this is really just for OOT guests.Again, it doesn't matter who is hosting a post-wedding event, it's really not okay to only invite guests from one half of the families.And no, I've never been to a post-wedding brunch where only one side of the B&G's families was invited.  Finally, I think you might be pleasantly surprised by the # of people from both your side and your FI's side who will actually attend.  EVERYONE from our wedding was OOT (even us), and we invited everyone to a brunch, but we only ended up having around 20 - a lot of people had early flights out, or had to leave early to drive home, so we had a more intimate group.

HSchall

Just in case you haven't heard enough opinions, I thought I would weigh in.  Having been one of the OOT guests from the side of the family that didn't get invited ot hte day after brunch I think it is a really bad idea to only include one side of the family and it sets a bad tone going forward.  No one really cares how much you spend on the brunch or where it is but I think they do care if they feel excluded.  Remeber the OOT guests (and in town guests for that matter) on the other side of the family also spent there time and money traveling to see their friend/relative get married and spend time with them and the rest of the friends and family.  If you do not include them in the brunch you limit the their ability to continue the celebration with the new couple and their parents.  In my case, I traveled to go to my cousin's wedding but was not invited to the day after brunch.  I (and others in my family) would have loved to spend extra time with him and his parents (my aunt and uncle) but they were already committed to going to the day after brunch with the other side of the family so we were out of luck.  I have to admit, this left me with a bad impression of my cousin's new wife and her family. 

stosha1

So I sort of have to agree with pp. I have been a guest at a wedding where I was an OOT guest and wasn't invited to the day-after brunch (that everyone else was talking about). I felt awkward! On the other hand, when I have been invited to the day-after festivities, I always go and enjoy myself thoroughly. We are having a day-after brunch at FI's mom's house. Something very informal (aka, wear capris and a comfy shirt!) and inviting ALL of our OOT guests. I'd imagine that we may not have alot of people, (or we may!) but either way, it's something informal. We're telling people just at the rehearsal / wedding and inviting everyone by word of mouth. I definitely feel like you should invite everyone possible and let them decide if they want to come or not. That way, no one feels like they've been slighted.

jeremy.teresa

I have to agree w/ Carrie on this one.  I would feel slighted if I found out that I wasn't invited, either.  You could def make it very informal and let word of mouth get everything around.  You don't want hurt feelings over something this trivial.On a related note, my FI's grandfather has talked of having a BBQ for ONLY his side of the OOT family the day after the wedding, and I was really hurt.  It doesn't seem fair that my parents, siblings, etc. don't get to join in the fun.  Its a chance for them to meet and talk more w/ FI's family and for everyone to celebrate together.  I'm hoping that they end up extending the invitation out to more people, otherwise I will def be saying something in a nice way.

hrparker

DudeYour FILS actually said that?  Wow...I still say you're doing the right thing by inviting everyone, but your resistance to the idea suddenly makes A LOT more sense....

Debbydew

I like the idea of a restaurant where everyone pays for their own food if they wanna come. We went to a wedding in Chicago, and we did this. We just went to a Cracker Barrel, but the restaurant didn't really matter, it was just nice to see everyone before we left, since they live in Wisconsin and we live in cincy and we don't see them often. This would give your mom a break, and if his family really doesn't care, then oh well, they don't have to come. GL!