Children?

BeabullMom

So my FI and I have reached our first standstill...deciding on if we are having children at the wedding or not.  Obviously we ARE having the ring bearer and junior bridesmaid (his niece and nephew) but beyond that is where we differ.  I have no children in my family, but my friends have children.  He has a large family with lots of cousins who have children.  He is afraid that they will not come if we do not invite their children (this has happened in the past).  He suggested that we just allow his family members to bring their children, but I said that that isn't right, because I have very close friends with children who are traveling far who would be upset that some were allowed and others weren't.  In his family, there are 15 children ranging in ages from toddlers to 12.  If we had everyone who has kids bring their kids, we'd be up to 40 (!!!) kids.  This is just out of control.  I say it's all or none.  Help us solve this arguement!  What would you do?

banana468

Personally, we allowed the children of our cousins but we didn't invite the children of friends unless they were nursing.  For us, it was an arrangement that worked out well.

I think it's  fine to make a cutoff like the above and stick to it.  You really can't say all kids or no kids in your situation since you're having a FG and a RB. 

alexismurda

I agree it's all or none. 

We did not want small children so weeven opted out of a flower girl and ring bearers even thought my FIs brother and sister both had children 2 years ago. We also had other family members with small children but on our RSVPs we put "please no guests under 21" and even had our parents reach out to those with small children and explained that since our wedding is a formal evening wedding we did not want small children there (our wedding is 5:30-11pm) and then added in that we wanted them to enjoy themselves at an "adult party" and take a night off from parenting. 

We've only had a couple people have issues with attendance and finding babysitters but most of our guests completely understood and made arrangements for their children for 1 night since we gave them a far enough in advance notice that we did not want children.

Though, since it sounds like you have FAR more children than we did in our family, maybe you could hire some kind of babysitting program for that evening for the kids, not far from your reception site. I've heard of some people doing that, even having a babysitter/kids room at their venue, so the kids are close by but not all over your reception.

Vanessa630

The only children we invited were my husband's first cousins (prob ranged in age from 8-15).  But we didn't invite children who were more distantly related or who were our friends' kids.  And we're pretty close with the kids we did invite. At first we weren't going to do any kids but they were all really excited and it was their first wedding so I knew they really wanted to be there (plus, all their parents were travelling from Boston so it was easier). 

At least by inviting your family's kids, you're saving yourself the frustration of receiving RSVPs in which the children are just added on (if that helps at all). 

Good luck!

banana468

Be careful with writing phrases indicating who you wish to exclude.  They're incorrect etiquette and some might take offense.

bmetz34

We are only having our ring bearer and flower girl.  It's not uncommon in our family to have no kids invited.  Our ring bearer and flower girl are my niece and nephew.  I think we'll put something on the invites about "Adult reception to follow"  or something like that.  Neither of us is a huge kid person and there will be drinking and dancing and formal wear so it was kind of never an option that we'd have kids there.  My niece and nephew will be around for ceremony and pictures and they'll stay for dinner, but then we'll have arrangements for them to go with a baby sitter so my sister and brother in law can enjoy the night. 

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:65Discussion:888553ad-72f3-47e9-808c-050c5d851c5bPost:b4095076-7d8f-4705-8d8a-8a9b00b9a542">Re: Children?</a>:
[QUOTE]We are only having our ring bearer and flower girl.  It's not uncommon in our family to have no kids invited.  Our ring bearer and flower girl are my niece and nephew.  <strong>I think we'll put something on the invites about "Adult reception to follow"  or something like that</strong>.  Neither of us is a huge kid person and there will be drinking and dancing and formal wear so it was kind of never an option that we'd have kids there.  My niece and nephew will be around for ceremony and pictures and they'll stay for dinner, but then we'll have arrangements for them to go with a baby sitter so my sister and brother in law can enjoy the night. 
Posted by bmetz34[/QUOTE]

Please don't do the bolded.  It's really incorrect to write this on your invitations.  Just address the invitations to those you wish to invite and leave it at that.  If people respond for more than who was invited, you can call and correct them.

And just FWIW,  if someone is bold enough to ask, please don't say that there will be drinking and dancing and formal attire as the reasons that children aren't welcome.  Plenty of parents can find something formal for their kids to wear and unless your dancing is grinding, that's not really inappropriate for kids.  When it comes to drinking, every single event in DH's and my families has alcohol.  Even a 5 yo's birthday party has booze available for the adults at a family event.  The adults know how to control themselves and the kids know not to drink the adult beverages.  You're more than fine to keep the event at just the adults but if you start to create reasons, your guests will poke holes in them.

calindi

I'm definitely having children at my wedding, I can't imagine it otherwise.  A few people have already told me that they plan to get a babysitter or leave their children with family, but that's their choice - I'm not choosing for them.  We will have a babysitter on site so that if parents want to check a child in for a few hours, they can do that.  We're going to have pizza, kids' movies, games, and activities in that room to keep them busy, as well as some wet wipes, blankets & pillows to clean up children and let them sleep if they get tired. 

We'll invite about 130 adults (21+), 10 young adults (13-20), 10 children (5-13), and 6 toddlers/babies.  Our caterer is charging 1/2 price for children 5-13 years old and no booze costs for anyone under 21 obviously, and children under 5 years old are free (we'll also supply pizza and chicken nuggets and apple juice in the babysitting room).  It's well worth it to us.

KellyJayD

We had a fairly small wedding of 60 people and if we invited all of our friends and families children that would add another 25 guests so that really wasn't and option for us financially. We had our RB and FG there though. We spread the word throughout the family and I went against etiquette and put something on my invite I know I know,  but I really had to. Weeks before the wedding people on DH's side of the family mentioned something about bringing their kids and he had to say something people just don't get it sometimes.
Good luck!

[Deleted User]

We have the same issue!  FI has tons of nieces and nephews and I only have one niece (who is our flower girl).  I'm not a fan of having kids at the wedding either.  I think we may be doing a cutoff...no kids under the age of 18.  I have a few cousins who I'm close with but they are in college so I didn't want to make it 21+ or they'd be excluded.  We won't write anything on the invitation...I'm hoping my FMIL will spread the word and people will understand when the invite is only to Mr.&Mrs. 

Carebear62584

Everyone will be 18+ with the exception of our RB's, FG's and my 2 cousins who are doing the blessing.  I gave them a job because they would be devastated if they couldn't attend.  With giving them something to do I am able to include them without including others.  FI has one cousin who will be 13(?) but she's the only child not in the wedding party on that side so we made that exception.  My side has many kids (12 I think) so that is how we drew the line.  We have many friends with kids as well.  We also have a 7pm wedding so most people with small kids don't want to take their children anyway.

jdboden73

Could you gently let your friends and family know that due to budget restrictions you can't have chidlren at the wedding? People might understand that a little better.

bmetz34

Yeah I don't plan on handing out reasons or excuses to guests on why their children aren't invited.  Those are just our reasons for not having kids there.  It's just what we'd prefer, that being an adults only party.  Plus we're only having 100 guests and our venue and budget just doesn't accomodate more than that.  If people ask or rsvp with kids, we'll just let them know in a polite way that it's an adult only reception.  We won't be launching into a list of reasons.