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Budget and DIY Weddings

Stag & Doe

Recently a BM told me that we should/could host a Stag and Doe a month or so prior to the ceremony/reception and invite EVERYONE that we couldnt afford to invite to the reception.

Since budgeting more, we were able to cut our wedding list in half - so we would be inviting the people we decided we couldn't afford at the actual reception, and then some.

Could you please comment as to the do's and dont's with this type of pre-celebration - as well as - is it possible to invite people to the CEREMONY only and only Family and very close friends to the reception???? It's really just how you word it on the invitations, right?  What am I missing?
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Re: Stag & Doe

  • 1) your wedding is a single event, anyone you invite to the event must be included in both the ceremony and the reception

    2) anyone invited to a pre-wedding party (i.e. a stag and doe) must be invited to the wedding

    3) asking your guests to pay for your wedding in the guise of a party is horribly rude
  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    3) asking your guests to pay for your wedding in the guise of a party is horribly rude
    Posted by ceh789
    Where did the OP say that?  I didn't get the impression she was trying to get her guests to pay for her wedding at all.
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  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe : Where did the OP say that?  I didn't get the impression she was trying to get her guests to pay for her wedding at all.
    Posted by ChristineNB
    A stag and doe is a fundraiser:
  • Thanks Christine :) I definitely am not getting my guests to pay for my wedding!!!

    I am planning to have a Stag and Doe as a fundraiser - there is nothing wrong with this where I'm from.

    We'd like to invite our other friends, hockey, school, etc because we are only inviting family and the bridal party to the reception.
  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    Thanks Christine :) I definitely am not getting my guests to pay for my wedding!!! I am planning to have a Stag and Doe as a fundraiser - there is nothing wrong with this where I'm from. We'd like to invite our other friends, hockey, school, etc because we are only inviting family and the bridal party to the reception.
    Posted by ambersthebride
    It made be common in your area, but it's still rude and tacky per etiquette, so just be prepared for more negative replies. 
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  • edited February 2012

    I don't think it's rude etiquette to have a Stag and Doe when half of your wedding guests have invited you to theirs.....

    In Toronto we have Stag and Does and we make them fun and the guests get lots of rewards and play games or gamble and the guests really do enjoy them.
     THere is free food, booze and even though you donate some money, you walk away with a lot too.

    Oh - and I would hope that if someone does not want to do something - or go somewhere - that they wouldn't!


    I suggest you try one:)

  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    I don't think it's rude etiquette to have a Stag and Doe when half of your wedding guests have invited you to theirs.....
    Posted by ambersthebride
    Two rudes do not make a polite.
  • Lol I like this.
    but in Toronto it isn't considered rude.
  • So why don't you take the money that you would spend on the free booze, food and prizes and put that in your wedding budget so you can invite these people to ALL parts of the wedding.  Tacky is tacky.  Rude is rude.  Making people pay for your wedding when you have no intention of inviting them is horribly, horribly rude.  Put your big girl panties on and pay for your own event entirely.  If you can't host your intended guests, they don't get an invite to anything.

    You may have been invited to tons of these crappy parties. That does not make them right.  You can stop the cycle of rudeness.  Don't have the party and move that money to your wedding budget.  If I got an invite to your fundraiser, I would judge you completely.  If I got an invite to your fundraiser and did  not get an invite to the wedding, I would re-evaluate our relationship and would come out at the end with one less friend.

    You asked for do's and dont's.  Stag parties are don'ts.  Making guests pay for your perfect pretty princess day is a don't.  Inviting guest to the ceremony only and not all parts of the reception equally is a don't.
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  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe : A stag and doe is a fundraiser: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe
    Posted by ceh789
    My bad, I was unaware of the concept.  I have never heard of these being done.  I understand how tightly budgeted some couples are, but I would never have a fundraiser party for people that aren't even being invited.  If you want to do something to make them feel like you care have a dinner, have a cook out, but don't expect them to pay. 
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  • It is considered very rude to only invite people to your ceremony and not include them in the reception. The point of the reception is to thank guests for coming. If you do not have the budget to feed everyone a full meal, it is ok to do cake and punch, but every guest should be given something to eat and drink.

    I agree with pp's that a fundraiser isn't a good idea. Asking people to fund a charity shouldn't have anything to do with one's wedding. If you want to raise money for a cause you love, I'd have it as a separate thing.
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  • sparent2010sparent2010
    1000 Comments
    member
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    Thanks Christine :) I definitely am not getting my guests to pay for my wedding!!! I am planning to have a Stag and Doe as a fundraiser - there is nothing wrong with this where I'm from. We'd like to invite our other friends, hockey, school, etc because we are only inviting family and the bridal party to the reception.
    Posted by ambersthebride
    You are fundraising for what then? I mean if you are having a fundraiser then using the proceeds for your wedding ipso facto they are paying for your wedding.

    Your reception is a thank you to your guests. This is extremely rude. Reconsider, and here are some options

    1. Afternoon ceremony cake and punch reception
    2. Cut the guest list, and pay for the wedding you can afford. Not what your friends and family shell out to you at a stage and doe party.

    ETA: The dos and don'ts of this party would be a don't. Just don't do it. It is rude to expect others to pay for your wedding. Just like it is rude to expect them to pay for your honeymoon.

    Option 3: Look around your local area for cheaper caterers or a restaurant to cater and have your ceremony at a park or publicly owned building.
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  • ElleB87ElleB87
    1000 Comments
    member
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    Lol I like this. but in Toronto it isn't considered rude.
    Posted by ambersthebride
    I'm from Winnipeg so I know what you're trying to say but bottom line is they are still rude.  Fundraising for anything wedding related is tacky.

    Also, there were tons of people that tried to get H and I to throw a wedding social. We refused because the entire concept makes us both want to vomit.

    (edited)
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  • MadisonpennyMadisonpenny
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    member
    edited February 2012

    It's what's acceptable in your region.  I find some ladies on the etiquette board have something stuck up their a$$.
    Just because you read it on here once doesn't mean something is completely wrong it just may not be common in your area. It just might be "rude" from an etiquette stand point.

    We have stag and does here as well and I've never heard a negative comment about them. In fact I didn't realize until a few months ago that some areas don't do these.
    It's 100% completely acceptable in my area to have a cash bar.  I've never in my life been to a wedding where there hasn't been a cash bar and I've been to a whole lot of weddings across the country. It just might not be common in your area, it doesn't make it wrong.
    I'm Hungarian and we have a tradition that during the reception, male guests can pin dollar bills to the brides dress or put money in a jar for a dance does that make it rude? According to some ladies on the etiquette board it is because guests have to pull our their wallets.  Guess that make generations of people and whole country rude...

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  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    It's what's acceptable in your region.  I find some ladies on the etiquette board have something stuck up their a$$. Just because you read it on here once doesn't mean something is completely wrong it just may not be common in your area. It just might be "rude" from an etiquette stand point. We have stag and does here as well and I've never heard a negative comment about them. In fact I didn't realize until a few months ago that some areas don't do these. It's 100% completely acceptable in my area to have a cash bar.  I've never in my life been to a wedding where there hasn't been a cash bar and I've been to a whole lot of weddings across the country. It just might not be common in your area, it doesn't make it wrong. I'm Hungarian and we have a tradition that during the reception, male guests can pin dollar bills to the brides dress or put money in a jar for a dance does that make it rude? According to some ladies on the etiquette board it is because guests have to pull our their wallets.  Guess that make generations of people and whole country rude...
    Posted by Madisonpenny
    The whole point of the etiquette board and etiquette in general is to keep you from looking like an ass on your wedding day. The point of TK is so that you can ask questions and just b/c your family/friends are used to dollar dances or stage and doe parties does not mean they are any less rude.

    People might be more open to accepting them, but no one is going to say ALL HUNGARIANS ARE RUDE b/c where you are from a dollar dance is typical. This is a topic that has been discussed over and over again on E.

    My mom wants me to do drink tokens, my sister wants me to have a HM registry. I made the big girl choice and per etiquette refused. I told them thanks  but we would rather hosts x,y, and z for our guests, and I don't feel comfortable soliciting them for money.

    Before getting married I didn't think these things were tacky (my frined had an HM registry and we just bought her something off that. She didn't bother to write us a thank you either....hrm), but now thanks to insight from knotties I have a better understanding on how to be a better host.

    Another example: my cousin's wedding. We had mass then a 5 hour gap... so she could take pictures. There were not enough apps and we had a limit of a bottle of wine per table... everything else was cash. I didn't expect this and was a little miffed at whipping out my wallet to get a soda. Also that the bar tender looked at his tip jar waiting for a tip. O.o

    So, yea I side eye her now when she tries to tell me how classy and amazingly awesome her wedding was. If you don't mind people talking about your poor etiquette behind your back later on in life then do whateverthefuckyouwant.
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  • MadisonpennyMadisonpenny
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    member
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe : The whole point of the etiquette board and etiquette in general is to keep you from looking like an ass on your wedding day. The point of TK is so that you can ask questions and just b/c your family/friends are used to dollar dances or stage and doe parties does not mean they are any less rude. People might be more open to accepting them, but no one is going to say ALL HUNGARIANS ARE RUDE b/c where you are from a dollar dance is typical. This is a topic that has been discussed over and over again on E. My mom wants me to do drink tokens, my sister wants me to have a HM registry. I made the big girl choice and per etiquette refused. I told them thanks  but we would rather hosts x,y, and z for our guests, and I don't feel comfortable soliciting them for money. Before getting married I didn't think these things were tacky (my frined had an HM registry and we just bought her something off that. She didn't bother to write us a thank you either....hrm), but now thanks to insight from knotties I have a better understanding on how to be a better host. Another example: my cousin's wedding. We had mass then a 5 hour gap... so she could take pictures. There were not enough apps and we had a limit of a bottle of wine per table... everything else was cash. I didn't expect this and was a little miffed at whipping out my wallet to get a soda. Also that the bar tender looked at his tip jar waiting for a tip. O.o So, yea I side eye her now when she tries to tell me how classy and amazingly awesome her wedding was. If you don't mind people talking about your poor etiquette behind your back later on in life then do whateverthefuckyouwant.
    Posted by sparent2010
    But thats the point. If its custom where a person lives IT DOESN"T MAKE IT RUDE just because it isn't socil acceptable somewhere else.   For example, I might be seen as rude to have a cash bar in NYC but in a small town in the middle of say Ontario where I am it might be part of a typical wedding and no one will think that the hosts are being rude.
    It's actually expected.

    To the OP- Don't invite ppl to your stag and doe that your not inviting to the wedding, but go ahead and have a stag and doe. I'm in northern Ontario and I know all about the stag and doe's.  Their common and socially acceptable here too.

    ETA: Also if I didn't mention that it's a Cultural tradition to do dollar dances I'd be raked over the coals from ladies on the baords for thinking of doing such a thing but because I mentioned this it's okay?
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  • Well - some of y'all from the south have a bit different etiquette style than us here in Toronto, or wherever.

    Yes - Torontonians are rude. I will vouch for this.

    However - if everyone here has a stag and doe, and everyone (friends ) keep telling me to have one... does everyone in Toronto consider it rude?

    I'm confused. I totally do not want to have a stag and doe now.

    But we are sticking to keeping our list cut in half for just very close family and friends. 
    Is there no other way to "involve" other friends at all?
  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe : The whole point of the etiquette board and etiquette in general is to keep you from looking like an ass on your wedding day. The point of TK is so that you can ask questions and just b/c your family/friends are used to dollar dances or stage and doe parties does not mean they are any less rude. People might be more open to accepting them, but no one is going to say ALL HUNGARIANS ARE RUDE b/c where you are from a dollar dance is typical. This is a topic that has been discussed over and over again on E. My mom wants me to do drink tokens, my sister wants me to have a HM registry. I made the big girl choice and per etiquette refused. I told them thanks  but we would rather hosts x,y, and z for our guests, and I don't feel comfortable soliciting them for money. Before getting married I didn't think these things were tacky (my frined had an HM registry and we just bought her something off that. She didn't bother to write us a thank you either....hrm), but now thanks to insight from knotties I have a better understanding on how to be a better host. Another example: my cousin's wedding. We had mass then a 5 hour gap... so she could take pictures. There were not enough apps and we had a limit of a bottle of wine per table... everything else was cash. I didn't expect this and was a little miffed at whipping out my wallet to get a soda. Also that the bar tender looked at his tip jar waiting for a tip. O.o So, yea I side eye her now when she tries to tell me how classy and amazingly awesome her wedding was. If you don't mind people talking about your poor etiquette behind your back later on in life then do whateverthefuckyouwant.
    Posted by sparent2010
    Exactly this! The whole point is to be the best host that you can be. Why adulterate or compromise on that? I'd rather have my guests feel completely taken care of and happy than anything else.
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  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe : But thats the point. If its custom where a person lives IT DOESN"T MAKE IT RUDE just because it isn't socil acceptable somewhere else.   For example, I might be seen as rude to have a cash bar in NYC but in a small town in the middle of say Ontario where I am it might be part of a typical wedding and no one will think that the hosts are being rude. It's actually expected. To the OP- Don't invite ppl to your stag and doe that your not inviting to the wedding, but go ahead and have a stag and doe. I'm in northern Ontario and I know all about the stag and doe's.  Their common and socially acceptable here too. ETA: Also if I didn't mention that it's a Cultural tradition to do dollar dances I'd be raked over the coals from ladies on the baords for thinking of doing such a thing but because I mentioned this it's okay?
    Posted by Madisonpenny

    Hi Madison I like you.
  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    It's what's acceptable in your region.  I find some ladies on the etiquette board have something stuck up their a$$. Just because you read it on here once doesn't mean something is completely wrong it just may not be common in your area. It just might be "rude" from an etiquette stand point. We have stag and does here as well and I've never heard a negative comment about them. In fact I didn't realize until a few months ago that some areas don't do these. It's 100% completely acceptable in my area to have a cash bar.  I've never in my life been to a wedding where there hasn't been a cash bar and I've been to a whole lot of weddings across the country. It just might not be common in your area, it doesn't make it wrong. I'm Hungarian and we have a tradition that during the reception, male guests can pin dollar bills to the brides dress or put money in a jar for a dance does that make it rude? According to some ladies on the etiquette board it is because guests have to pull our their wallets.  Guess that make generations of people and whole country rude...
    Posted by Madisonpenny
    Here's the problem with your logic.  So, you are having a money dancef, which is very customary and expected in a hungarian wedding.  What else are you doing that is traditional?  Are you playing nothing but traditional Hungarian music?  Are you serving all traditional Hungarian dishes?  You can't pull the "It's my heritage and tradition" card if you only selecting the traditions that put money in your pocket.  If you were having a traditional Hungarian wedding in every aspect of past customs, I would not have a problem with it.  When you hen-pick certain traditions that only benefit you, then a money dance is rude. 

    Guests should not pay for your perfect princess day in any capacity.  Period.
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  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    Is there no other way to "involve" other friends at all?
    Posted by ambersthebride
    No, there is no polite way to involve people in your wedding other than inviting them to the wedding.  The fact of the matter is that very few people in the world are wealthy enough to host everyone they know for their wedding.  Every single bride has people they'd like to involve and can't.  Not everyone you know will invite you to their wedding - you'll get over it just like they will.
  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe : But thats the point. If its custom where a person lives IT DOESN"T MAKE IT RUDE just because it isn't socil acceptable somewhere else.   For example, I might be seen as rude to have a cash bar in NYC but in a small town in the middle of say Ontario where I am it might be part of a typical wedding and no one will think that the hosts are being rude. It's actually expected. To the OP- Don't invite ppl to your stag and doe that your not inviting to the wedding, but go ahead and have a stag and doe. I'm in northern Ontario and I know all about the stag and doe's.  Their common and socially acceptable here too. ETA: Also if I didn't mention that it's a Cultural tradition to do dollar dances I'd be raked over the coals from ladies on the baords for thinking of doing such a thing but because I mentioned this it's okay?
    Posted by Madisonpenny
    In the same stream I don't think customs = etiquette. Where I am coming from is the greater etiquette rules. People can do what they want no one is actually going to stop you, but if you want advice on being a good hostess then TK can help you out.

    People don't all hate on dollar dances- and it is not b/c of the culture. It is a big thing in the midwest just like wishing wells ( for cash) are big in certain areas. It  requires you to think about it. If I were a guest in this situation how would it make me feel? If I saw a blatant gift grab and tiered reception invitation would I go? Then make some decisions based off that.

    People make the mistake that the wedding is about what she wants. But once you start involving other people then it becomes about more than yourself. If you want it all about you, you should probably elope.
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  • MadisonpennyMadisonpenny
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    member
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    Madison, I suggest you re-read The Knot's rules, and then edit your post.  If you were on my board I'd be hitting the ban button. I reported your post to the moderator of this one. Moving right along. Sure some people have these tacky fundraisers.  Some people pick their noses at the table, too.  Does that mean you should? Any party that parts your friends from their money doesn't "include" them in anything.  Do you think giving you THEIR money is some sort of honor for THEM???? If it's such an honor, then please send me some of your cash so that I can "honor" you. Think about it. There are lots of ways to "include" your friends in your joy that do not involve separating them from their hard-earned salaries. They'll probably purchase shower and wedding gifts.  Why gouge them more?
    Posted by RetreadBride
    Well I would hate to be able to express my opinion but apparently the word "a$$" is not acceptable (although I've seen much more vulgar language through out the boards) so I will iterate. I think that some ladies on various boards are a little anal about how etiquette is viewed, even though, and as one PP mentioned apparently it is a majority view.  I would love to know how many people this supposed survey was polled to come up with this "majority" or if it was simply read in "Emily Posts" or "Dear Ann" and since they said it, then it must be written in stone.
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  • I generally feel local custom trumps etiquette in books and other nation or continent-wide publications. Etiquette is about making people feel good, and some people are hurt when denied an opportunity to give to friends.

    But if the OP wants a party for bunches of people, not on her wedding day, she can just throw a party after the wedding. Just like with weddings they don't have to be big and fancy, and you don't have to include every possible "tradition," you don't need a reason or theme to throw a party. You just need friends, food, drinks, and a location.
  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    I generally feel local custom trumps etiquette in books and other nation or continent-wide publications. Etiquette is about making people feel good, and some people are hurt when denied an opportunity to give to friends. But if the OP wants a party for bunches of people, not on her wedding day, she can just throw a party after the wedding. Just like with weddings they don't have to be big and fancy, and you don't have to include every possible "tradition," you don't need a reason or theme to throw a party. You just need friends, food, drinks, and a location.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne
    She's not throwing the stag and doe, her BM is. OP was simply asking if she should invite only invited guests to her wedding since it is a wedding related event or every and anyone she wants...
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  • If you are having a pre wedding party, those people invited to that party need to be invited to the ceremony AND reception.  If you cannot afford to host everyone, cut back the guest list or make other cuts.
  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    [QUOTE]I generally feel local custom trumps etiquette in books and other nation or continent-wide publications. Etiquette is about making people feel good, and some people are hurt when denied an opportunity to give to friends. But if the OP wants a party for bunches of people, not on her wedding day, she can just throw a party after the wedding. Just like with weddings they don't have to be big and fancy, and you don't have to include every possible "tradition," you don't need a reason or theme to throw a party. You just need friends, food, drinks, and a location.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    Local custon does not trump etiquette.  You have it reversed.  Etiquette always trumps what you think is a local custom.  The reason etiquette exists is so people are treated fairly and properly when they go to an event. You may choose to not follow proper etiquette, but there are consequences to that decision.  People will side-eye you.  People will judge you.  People will not come to another event that you host.  People will not invite you to their events.  People will have a terrible time and talk about it behind your back.  If you are OK with these things happening, then break etiquette. 

    I am curious.  For the Toronto brides, what is the history of the Stag and Doe.  You say it is custom, but where did the custom start?  What are the roots? 
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  • MadisonpennyMadisonpenny
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    member
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    In Response to Re: Stag & Doe : Local custon does not trump etiquette.  You have it reversed.  Etiquette always trumps what you think is a local custom.  The reason etiquette exists is so people are treated fairly and properly when they go to an event. You may choose to not follow proper etiquette, but there are consequences to that decision.  People will side-eye you.  People will judge you.  People will not come to another event that you host.  People will not invite you to their events.  People will have a terrible time and talk about it behind your back.  If you are OK with these things happening, then break etiquette.  I am curious.  For the Toronto brides, what is the history of the Stag and Doe.  You say it is custom, but where did the custom start?  What are the roots? 
    Posted by vsgal
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe
    although the link doesn't really mention the history of it it does clarify the whole stag and doe party and its intent.
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  • In Response to Re: Stag & Doe:
    [QUOTE]I generally feel local custom trumps etiquette in books and other nation or continent-wide publications. Etiquette is about making people feel good, and some people are hurt when denied an opportunity to give to friends. But if the OP wants a party for bunches of people, not on her wedding day, she can just throw a party after the wedding. Just like with weddings they don't have to be big and fancy, and you don't have to include every possible "tradition," you don't need a reason or theme to throw a party. You just need friends, food, drinks, and a location.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]
    /
    Yes we know... it still doesn't make it right. Etiquette is about being a proper host. 

    Madison from how I read it she (OP) and the BP would be co-hosting the party. Which opens up a whole other can of worms 
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