Married at the court house then church wedding later?

skye83

Ok, so my daughter and I have no health insurance... My fiance has health insurance through his work but in order for him to add us to it we have to be married. I have an operation on my eye that's going to be pretty expensive. Last night my fiance suggested we go ahead and get married at the court house and then have the ceremony as we already planned in june. Logistically it makes sense but I don't know how I feel about it. It seems like a ceremony would be superfluous if we're already married but i don't want to not have a ceremony either. Also I don't know if our pastor would be willing to do the ceremony if we were already married. Any thoughts?

kaederose

If you've ever read the Etiquette board, you know this is a bad idea.  Not getting married now, but doing so then having, as you said in the title, "a church wedding" is rather frowned upon by a lot of people.  That's for a couple reasons: 1) if you get married in a courthouse, that's your wedding.  No other ceremony is your wedding, and you don't get redo weddings with the same person - they're called vow renewals; 2) a lot of your guests might frown on being invited to something like a staged ceremony because it's...well, staged.  You can come off as not wanting them to share your day with you when you get married; 3) your particular issue with your pastor potentially not doing your ceremony.

I'm not saying all of the above applies to you, by any means.  My advice would be, number one, have the wedding you want since you do only get one.  If you do decide to go the courthouse route, could you do a low-key party immediately after if you keep the courthouse wedding limited to just family?  If there's any way to transition the reception to follow the JOP wedding, that would be my preference.  If not, I'd hold off on the vow renewal until your 1 year anniversary, call it a vow renewal with anniversary party to follow, and leave it at that.

No matter what you decide to do, good luck with wedding planning, your surgery, and everything.  You have to do what's best for you, so take what I (and everyone else says) from that perspective.

skye83

Thank you. I was leaning in that direction anyways. As a matter of fact I instantly said no but then my logical side kicked in and I started thinking well why not? Am I just being silly? So I wanted some advice. I think it's worth it to me to pay for the surgery out of pocket and then get to have the ceremony I want. Sorry about not having read the etiquette board. I'm pretty new at this and haven't really read many boards at all but thank you for your feedback.

kaederose

Don't apologize for not having read a board!  Actually, they respond rather poorly to this type of question (they get a lot of variants of "but I'm soooo special and my circumstances are soooooo unique so it would be ok for me to have a white wedding later, right?!?!?!).

I completely understand the logical side of it - not having health insurance myself, I know how hard it can be.  For what it's worth, if there's any way you can put off the surgery until after you're covered, that would be awesome.  If not, and it's a huge amount of money, I see no problem with doing a more casual reception after the JOP ceremony.  No one will have hard feelings if it's limited to just immediate family as witnesses, and then you can have something in a park, or a backyard BBQ, or even in a restaurant, depending on what you were orginally planning.  So maybe it's something to think about?  Re-envisioning your whole wedding is hard, but that's the closest I can think of to having your cake and eating it too.

skye83

Yeah I suppose it's at least something to consider... We have a formal event planned which I'm really excited about but as you suggested we could always do a vow renewal next year....

soontobemrs2

I am sorry, I know I will be odd man out here, but I think it's much more important to get health insurance for you and your daughter than to adhere to etiquette! What if you or your daugher get sick in the mean time and can't get help? You would never forgive yourself

I would get married at the courthouse, not make a big deal out of it and then do a renewal of vow ceremony.

I know, I know. I am going to get nailed with negative comments. But you asked for an opinion, and I am giving you one

K Byte

Having a "real wedding" isn't a right or a necessity, you know. It's up to you if you want to forego your formal wedding plans in favor of a quick legal ceremony for insurance purposes. It happens a lot these days and no one will think badly of you for it (and if they do they're stupid!) But don't lie to your guests or your families about the fact that you're already married. I think it's ok to have a legal marriage at the courthouse then go ahead with your reception plans AS LONG AS you're open with everyone about it. Can you imagine how horrible your family would feel if they found out you had already been married for 6 months, or a year, or whatever?