How do I talk to him about proposing?

jesslbaker

I'm not sure how to approach my boyfriend about this...hoping I can get some advice / reassurance.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 years.  We've been very relaxed about everything, just letting things take their course and not forcing anything.  In the past we've talked about getting married; usually the subject comes up after we've attended a friend's wedding together and we discuss what each of us thought would be better for us as a couple when we are married.  Friends have joked with us light heartedly because we are the last of our group to be in a relationship without being married. So we are quite open and casual about the subject with each other and friends when it comes up, but that's not very often at all.  Usually when we talk about our future together, it's very matter-of-fact: "when we have kids" "once we're married" "when we buy a larger house" etc.

I don't like pressuring him about taking the plunge at all.  I always feel like I'm being "that girlfriend" because I'm prodding him about getting married, and I genuinely don't feel like I need to rush into anything at all.  However, my boyfriend is absolutely terrible at surprises, does not like planning surprises, and is not in the least creative.  I've joked with him before that I'll probably wake up one morning with a ring on my finger and he will be in the living room playing XBOX like nothing happened, and that will be that.

So here is my issue: how do I tell him that I don't expect a lavish and well-thought-out proposal, and quite frankly would prefer to go ring shopping together when he's ready and call it done? I don't want to bring it up out of nowhere because then it's obvious I've been thinking about it and could come off as pressuring if I don't word it right.  I'm just not sure how to approach it! Help!!

JordynLeighx3

I personally don't think you should approach it. He will do it when he's ready, how he wants. Though if you're set on bringing it up, you have been together 4 years...you should feel comfortable discussing what your future holds with him.

calliopeia2013

Why don't you propose to him?

I'm not just kidding around, I mean that seriously.  What's stopping you?

Also, I really, really don't think it's pressuring to check in with a guy you're in a LTR with to see if you're on the same page as far as marriage/kids/etc timelines.  And I strongly disagree with PP's first sentence (and agree with the second).  This isn't the 1950s; you don't just have to sit around and wait for your guy to bring up marriage- you're entering a partnership, and, as PP said, you should be comfortable honestly and openly discussing your future and what you want in it.

GoodLuckBear14

Here's how DH and I decided to get married:

Me:  Hey.  I just got a terrific job offer di be a department chair at a rival firm.  Do you see us married?

Him:  Uh, yeah, why?

Me: Just needed to know.  I'm turning down the offer then and moving to Philadelphia.

And before anyone asks, DH's job requires him to be on the east coast.  He commuted from Cleveland for 18 months and it resulted in a breakup.  I wasn't going to let that happen again.

RWS2011

For curiosities sake, how old are you and your BF?  Are either of you in college?  For some people, timing is essential, as in it is important to finish one important life event before embarking on another.  I only ask because that can be a factor for many couples.

All that aside, I agree that you should be able to bring this up with your BF.  Why not ask out of the blue?  Just as he doesn't need to have a "perfect moment" to propose, you don't have to wait for the "right moment" to bring up your future.  Just know there is a big difference between pressuring/ultimatums (bad), and open communication about your timeline (good).

Find a relaxed time in the day to say, "Honey, I wanted to talk about something with you to make sure we are on the same page.  I am (just throwing random numbers out) 25.  We have talked about having a family and I would like to start by the time I am 28.  We have both agreed we want to be married first, so that gives us a few years to get engaged, plan a wedding and get settled into our married life before we have kids.  Does that sound like a timeline you are on board with, or do you have another idea in mind?"

Obviously this needs to be adjusted for your personal communication style, but it can be as simple and matter of fact as that!  Don't be afraid to communicate your wants and needs.  But, once you have had that discussion and know where each other stands (as long as it sounds agreeable to you), then you back off, enjoy your relationship as is and let things take their course.

audrewuh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-do-i-talk-to-him-about-proposing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:0b8ba1e7-b058-4e78-80e1-c7f3b138fb5bPost:16c8fe93-d953-44f1-b134-66f69dbe2ec4">Re: How do I talk to him about proposing?</a>:
[QUOTE]For curiosities sake, how old are you and your BF?  Are either of you in college?  For some people, timing is essential, as in it is important to finish one important life event before embarking on another.  I only ask because that can be a factor for many couples. All that aside, I agree that you should be able to bring this up with your BF.  Why not ask out of the blue?  Just as he doesn't need to have a "perfect moment" to propose, you don't have to wait for the "right moment" to bring up your future.  Just know there is a big difference between pressuring/ultimatums (bad), and open communication about your timeline (good). Find a relaxed time in the day to say, "Honey, I wanted to talk about something with you to make sure we are on the same page.  I am (just throwing random numbers out) 25.  We have talked about having a family and I would like to start by the time I am 28.  We have both agreed we want to be married first, so that gives us a few years to get engaged, plan a wedding and get settled into our married life before we have kids.  Does that sound like a timeline you are on board with, or do you have another idea in mind?" Obviously this needs to be adjusted for your personal communication style, but it can be as simple and matter of fact as that!  Don't be afraid to communicate your wants and needs.  But, once you have had that discussion and know where each other stands (as long as it sounds agreeable to you), then you back off, enjoy your relationship as is and let things take their course.
Posted by RWS2011[/QUOTE]

<div>RWS has learned many things at NEY. ;)</div><div>
</div><div>Seriously though, just talk with him. It shouldn't be a big deal, just a convo to have while you're watching tv or whatever. You may be surprised at how willing he is to talk. Just go for it. Say something like, hey, do you see us getting married and by what time? Then share your own idea of a timeline. You both have reasons for waiting or not waiting, so hear each other out. </div><div>
</div><div>Effective communication, the stuff good relationships are made of.</div>

FreeSpirit666

I have the exact same thing save for we've been together for 3 years. I'd love to get engaged but theres no romance in frogmarching him to the proposal lol. Personally, I'd drop a few suble hints, like ohhing over a jewellery store or sending hints about rings u like lol. Just a thought.

audrewuh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-do-i-talk-to-him-about-proposing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:0b8ba1e7-b058-4e78-80e1-c7f3b138fb5bPost:f99b8137-1a62-433e-9c93-26076fb53e08">Re: How do I talk to him about proposing?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have the exact same thing save for we've been together for 3 years. I'd love to get engaged but theres no romance in frogmarching him to the proposal lol. Personally, I'd drop a few suble hints, like ohhing over a jewellery store or sending hints about rings u like lol. Just a thought.
Posted by FreeSpirit666[/QUOTE]

<div>Yea, just use your words. They're a lot more effective than oohing and ahhing. And ring emails can be scary. </div><div>
</div><div>Just say hey love of my life, I'm really curious where you see us at in 2 years, 5 years, etc. Then listen to him. </div>

FreeSpirit666

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-do-i-talk-to-him-about-proposing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:0b8ba1e7-b058-4e78-80e1-c7f3b138fb5bPost:c51e4752-ccb6-4d93-aef6-baaeb1c22650">Re: How do I talk to him about proposing?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I talk to him about proposing? : Yea, just use your words. They're a lot more effective than oohing and ahhing. And ring emails can be scary.  Just say hey love of my life, I'm really curious where you see us at in 2 years, 5 years, etc. Then listen to him. 
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]

Maybe your right , my bad lol

Sassenach1743

Whatever you do don't come out and say: "when are you going to propose to me?" 

Communication is definitely key and if you've been together for 3 years then you should be able to find a way to comfortably have a conversation with him where you can express your desire to take the next step.

However, do not talk to him about proposing. That is not for you to do. He will propose when he is ready. All you can do at this point is be clear about your intentions for your relationship so that he knows what you want. If he already knows and you've talked about getting married then maybe you should just find a way to relax about this and let it come together on it's own... 

Just focus your thoughts on what you would like (i.e. getting engaged and married) and pray on it (or meditate), whatever method suites you best, and then just let it come to you naturally. In the meantime, don't let your angst interfere with your relationship. Enjoy your happiness with your man and things will start to evolve on their own. You never know, he may already be planning to propose. So try not to worry or stress or manifest negative thoughts on "why isn't he proposing." 

Don't dwell on what he's not doing. Instead continue to be happy and loving.

Hope this helps

abwatts

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-do-i-talk-to-him-about-proposing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:0b8ba1e7-b058-4e78-80e1-c7f3b138fb5bPost:c51e4752-ccb6-4d93-aef6-baaeb1c22650">Re: How do I talk to him about proposing?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I talk to him about proposing? : Yea, just use your words. They're a lot more effective than oohing and ahhing. And ring emails can be scary.  Just say hey love of my life, I'm really curious where you see us at in 2 years, 5 years, etc. Then listen to him. 
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]

THIS. I was in a similar position. We talked about the future, babies, etc.. and one day I just came right and asked what his timeline for all this glorious future talk was! I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page time line was. It doesn't have to be too intense. When we would have those conversations i would joke with him that he can talk about all the babies in the world, but he's not getting any from me without changing my last name first.

But you  need to have the conversation before the wondering consumes you to the point that one day you just run into his office a la Kate Hudson in Bride Wars!  But everyone is right, if you are in a relationship and want to spend the rest of your lives together, don't be too afraid to talk about it! GOOD LUCK!

mbrischoux

After 5 years of dating, I was having a really hard time with the fact that my now husband wouldn't discuss marriage seriously.  I finally told him that if he couldn't manage to talk seriously about marriage after 5 years, then we needed to move on because it shouldn't be that hard to discuss it after that much time.  'Course, I didn't realize he had bought a ring the day before:-P

Just be honest.  Not that you should say "When are you going to propose to me?" or drop ultimatums, just discuss your concerns.  In my case, it made him realize that if we were going to have the future he bought a ring for, he was going to have to be able to have serious conversations about our future throughout our marriage.  It not only changed the course of our relationship (not that my conversation with him made him run out and get a ring...like I said, he had already bought it), but set a tone for our marriage that helped our relationship mature.

Good luck!

Lisa50

If you are not comfortable proposing to him, don't force it.  But ... you owe it to yourself to have an open, frank discussion about the likelihood of marriage.  And that is a conversation you may need to initiate.  Honestly, it's easier to make off-hand remarks about what might be in the future than it is to have a conversation about the reality.

In all honesty, how long are you willing to wait for a proposal from your boyfriend before moving on?  Another 2 years, perhaps another 5?  Would it bother you to think of the two of you together in 10 years, yet still unmarried?  Why or why not?  If, as you answer those questions, you discover you have a time limit -- you need to find a way to communicate that to your boyfriend. 

RussoWill

I knew my now husband and I were getting married eventually, I just didn't know when.  When we were on a cruise with his parents, we went into a jewelry store and I pointed to things I liked and didn't like as a joke. He was listening, because he picked out something I love and we were engaged a few month later.  I knew money and timing were major issues for us, and we already had lived together for 4 years, so there really was no rush.

cwaggoner07

I have NO idea how your FI is, but after we got engaged, my FI reminded that a guy thinks about and plans out a proposal the way a girl plans out the wedding. You only get one, and you want it to be special and meaningful. That being said, I think you really need to be sure of your guy's approach before proposing to him.
But seriously, I knew the time frame we were going to be engaged. Not the exact day, but we had conversations about our careers and our futures. Being long-distance probably necessitated those conversations more than other couples, but our future is just that... OURS. WE decide when to get married, WE decide when to have kids, and WE decide when/if to move. It shouldn't be just his decision or just yours.

librababy

Just have an open and honest conversation with him, just like what you typed up here.  Maybe leave out the proposal part as you can't dictate how and when he can propose.  But just talk about marriage and see where his head is at.

Listen I feel your pain.  Fi and I have been together 13 years and 3 kids later, we still weren't talking marriage seriously.  After his high school 'proposal', which was more like a promise, he hadn't proposed again.  We went through a rough time last December and came out of it wanting to get married so we set a date and started planning.  I just picked out the ring and he has it hidden somewhere waiting to give it to me 'properly'.  It took that talk though for both of us to get on board about a marriage... an open, honest heart to heart.  Good luck.

FutureHutto

If it makes you feel any better, my fiance' and I talked so certain of the future. We knew we wanted to get married. So I was patient. Mind you, I am not a patient person whatsoever. You should be able to talk to him about this, doesn't always mean you should. Don't oooh, or awwww. T told me he looked at rings in November. I was engaged in June. It takes time. There is a time and a place for everything. He wants yours perfect. Patience is a virtrue. 

Summer2011Bride

I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing MARRIAGE with him; in fact, I think it's vital if you're in a serious LTR. Getting on the same page about marriage, jobs, money, kids, etc. is all important. I think asking him, "Do you see us married someday?" is perfectly valid to ask.

However, if he does in fact say he wants to get married, I would not pressure him about the PROPOSAL. That's different than getting on the same page about marriage. H and I decided years ago we would get married; he proposed when the time was right. So I do think there's a difference and besides asking maybe ONCE right after the marriage discussion how you want to do the ring (shop together, etc), I would not constantly bring it up.

FutureHutto

If it makes you feel any better, my fiance' and I talked so certain of the future. We knew we wanted to get married. So I was patient. Mind you, I am not a patient person whatsoever. You should be able to talk to him about this, doesn't always mean you should. Don't oooh, or awwww. T told me he looked at rings in November. I was engaged in June. It takes time. There is a time and a place for everything. He wants yours perfect. Patience is a virtrue. 

jesslbaker

Wow! Thanks for all the encouraging responses!  To answer some questions:

I'm 28, he's 31.

He's only been in one other serious relationship, and his ex GF gave him the marriage ultimatum after 3 years of dating ("either we're getting married or you're leaving") and he left. I, on the other hand, have never been one to give ultimatums and quite frankly if it means we're BF/GF for the rest of our lives then I'd rather be his lifelong GF than his ex.

We own a house, 2 cars, and other financed things together--it's all in his name only because my credit isn't so hot right now, but we bought everything knowing that neither of us can afford it on our own.

Most of our friends are married, and I've dropped hints here in there... I've mentioned that I'm the last one in my graduating class to not be married, etc.

I guess I'm just nervous about getting a direct answer from him because I don't want him to feel pressured like he was with his last GF. He's told me before that he values our relationship much more than his previous one (and anything else for that matter), and given the fact that we've talked about marriage and kids and such (and supposedly they never did talk about it), it really shouldn't be that terrifying...but I'm just thinking about it way too much  I'm not above proposing, though it would probably be when we're laying in bed in the morning and me just saying, "let's get married." Nothing magical, yadda yadda.

j-harvey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-do-i-talk-to-him-about-proposing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:0b8ba1e7-b058-4e78-80e1-c7f3b138fb5bPost:d50a4dec-c280-4b82-a5bc-13edef8db70a">Re: How do I talk to him about proposing?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! Thanks for all the encouraging responses!  To answer some questions: I'm 28, he's 31. He's only been in one other serious relationship, and his ex GF gave him the marriage ultimatum after 3 years of dating ("either we're getting married or you're leaving") and he left. I, on the other hand, have never been one to give ultimatums and quite frankly if it means we're BF/GF for the rest of our lives then I'd rather be his lifelong GF than his ex. We own a house, 2 cars, and other financed things together--it's all in his name only because my credit isn't so hot right now, but we bought everything knowing that neither of us can afford it on our own. Most of our friends are married, and I've dropped hints here in there... I've mentioned that I'm the last one in my graduating class to not be married, etc. I guess I'm just nervous about getting a direct answer from him because I don't want him to feel pressured like he was with his last GF. He's told me before that he values our relationship much more than his previous one (and anything else for that matter), and given the fact that we've talked about marriage and kids and such (and supposedly they never did talk about it), it really shouldn't be that terrifying...but I'm just thinking about it way too much :)  I'm not above proposing, though it would probably be when we're laying in bed in the morning and me just saying, "let's get married." Nothing magical, yadda yadda.
Posted by jesslbaker[/QUOTE]
If you're 28 and 31 and have been together for 4 years, you are entitled to know whether he sees you two actually getting married.  Talking about hypothetical futures together is different than planning to get married.  It seems like you're also in a situation in which some people might think marriage is irrelevant (own a house together, live together.)  Instead of dropping hints, at a non-threatening time (i.e., not when you're walking back from a dance floor having just caught the bride's bouquet) open a conversation.  Ask him how he's feeling, ask him where he sees the two of you in the future, etc.  You should start talking with him before you get to the point where you giving him an ultimatum.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_how-do-i-talk-to-him-about-proposing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:0b8ba1e7-b058-4e78-80e1-c7f3b138fb5bPost:d50a4dec-c280-4b82-a5bc-13edef8db70a">Re: How do I talk to him about proposing?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow! Thanks for all the encouraging responses!  To answer some questions: I'm 28, he's 31. He's only been in one other serious relationship, and his ex GF gave him the marriage ultimatum after 3 years of dating ("either we're getting married or you're leaving") and he left. I, on the other hand, have never been one to give ultimatums and quite frankly if it means we're BF/GF for the rest of our lives then I'd rather be his lifelong GF than his ex. <strong>We own a</strong> <strong>house, 2</strong> <strong>cars, and</strong> <strong>other financed things together--it's all in his name only</strong> because my credit isn't so hot right now, but we bought everything knowing that neither of us can afford it on our own. Most of our friends are married, and I've dropped hints here in there... I've mentioned that I'm the last one in my graduating class to not be married, etc. I guess I'm just nervous about getting a direct answer from him because I don't want him to feel pressured like he was with his last GF. He's told me before that he values our relationship much more than his previous one (and anything else for that matter), and given the fact that we've talked about marriage and kids and such (and supposedly they never did talk about it), it really shouldn't be that terrifying...but I'm just thinking about it way too much :)  I'm not above proposing, though it would probably be when we're laying in bed in the morning and me just saying, "let's get married." Nothing magical, yadda yadda.
Posted by jesslbaker[/QUOTE]

As an aside - the two of you don't own any of this.  HE owns it all and you would likely have no legal recourse to make a claim to any of it.

JaniV123

Dont pressure him in any way just sit down and talk to him. Tell him like " hey, where do you see us in x amount of time?" and get the convo started. My FI and I had a huge fight because I was naive and stupid and was pressuring him for a 2014 wedding. Few weeks after the fight, he called me one day asked me what year would I start medical school, I amswered 2014. He then said, ok well we are getting married in summer 2015. He will give me my e- ring about a year out, and i even told him i didnt need one, that we could get a complimentary one at an anniversary. About 3-4 weeks ago, I proposd, more like aske him if he would marry me on the date we had chos and gave him a watch he had been wanting.