Help :-/

christineh13186

Hello fellow brides. I'm having a bit of difficulty beginning my time as a soon-to-be bride.

My FH and I have been together for seven years, and got engaged on New Year's Eve. My parents, who weren't very open to the idea at first, are now a little better. The thing that bothers me is that they (meaning my mother) feel that FH and I should live together first before we set a date for the wedding. She said that if we don't, that I shouldn't expect any kind of help from them for the wedding. FH's parents are quite the opposite. They were thrilled when we got engaged, and I talk to FMIL a lot about what I want to do with the wedding. It's very very hard for me to talk to my mom about ANYTHING wedding related, even when it doesn't pertain to me.

IMHO, I really don't see any real reason for us to live together first. We've been together SEVEN years. What else is there to figure out about each other?? Both of us are working, and I am starting nursing school in September and the wedding wouldn't be until at least next summer or following graduation in 2013.

So I'm asking for some advice. Do I go with my parents' wishes and try to live together? Do I follow my gut instinct and risk not getting anything from my family? I feel like this is just so unfair. HELP!

[Deleted User]

I think you and your FI need to do what you want to. You need to put your foot down on this one. Plan and pay for your own wedding that you can afford. Don't accept any money from anyone else. Because remember whoever pays has the say. Money = strings attached. And it will likely create more problems for you guys.

And it seems so silly that your Mom thinks you should live together before getting married. Most parents and family members are the exact opposite. Does she just like confrontation or like to be different?

redheadfsu

That is a very personal decision. But I agree with your mother. I think living together is very different & you find out things that you don't know otherwise (no matter how long you have been together). However, I'm not religious. My mother wanted me to live with FI before we set a date too. I don't think your mother is just being difficult, she just thinks it will help you.

If your wedding isn't until 2013, I would just tell your mother to let it go for now. When you get closer you just need to explain your position to your mother as an adult. Something like ...."Mom, I appreciate your advice, but because of X unfortunately I disagree. Hopefully you can still emotionally support our choice to get married."

jessie4747

I can truly say that with out a doubt in my mind, you should live together before do the big walk.  I have been on and off with my FI for 9 years and we have been back together for over a year now and just got engaged on thur.  When we got back together this last time we moved right in with each other, and though you think you know EVERYTHING about someone... living with them is a whole different animal.  There are so many things good and bad you learn about the other person you could have never imagined about them when you live with someone.  There is a saying 'never live with your best friend' for a reason.  Seeing someone day in an out changes the whole dynamic of a relationship.  If your not getting married this 2013 you don't rush in to it, but do it! Really that should be exciting, that you get to spend every minute you want to with each other.  Its really a wonderful thing! I promise, if you do you will be so much happier and ready for the bid day.   Hope this helps.

desertmomnm

That seems different advice from most parents.  We didn't live together and I'm glad.  I have a daughter whom I adopted as a single mom and I didn't want to set that example for her. 

meganb1977

Ditto pp's that living together before the wedding is a very personal choice.  Personally, I'm glad I had the opportunity to find out some of my fiance's quirks (i.e. which way he puts the toilet paper on the roll, the fact that he empties his pockets on the kitchen counter and uses the chair as hat racks, and little things like that which can get annoying over time).  Like you said, you've been together long enough that you likely know many of each other's quirks, but if neither of you has your own place yet, neither of you has had a chance to see how the other would keep house once freed from your mother's rules/standards, but you can certainly grow together if you can be patient with each other.  If you choose not to live together before marriage that is a fine choice and one that, as an adult, you don't need to allow your mother to manipulate you into changing.

So, I suppose my advice would be, don't let your mother manipulate you.  If you're enough of an adult to get married, you're enough of an adult to pay for your own wedding.  (I presume you're talking about financial help).  Most brides on TK will tell you not to count on anything until you have the money in hand.  So I'll ditto redhead that when you start planning you can tell your mother "I have chosen to do X and hope you can support me."

callalily13

I have always been a firm believer that I was going to live with my fiance before we got married (we will be living together about 3-4 years before we get married) and we actually just recently moved in together after over six years of being together. We thought we know everything about each other. We were actually able to frequently know what the other one was about to say and exactly what the other person wanted. But there are some things you really cannot know about someone until you live with them. (ie. he does not wear the same pair of pants more than one day, he wakes up very early and constantly watches CNN).

It took us several weeks to understand what was expected and what we expected of the other person. We had a huge fight about a week and a half after he moved in and it helped us to realize what the other person truly needed and how we needed to be less selfish so we can live peacefully together. When you live on your own you get in a schedule that is pretty selifsh for the most part, but when you live together it becomes necessary to think about what both individuals need and wants.

If you do not want do so, then it is your choice not your mothers. You are adults and just need to sit down with your mother and explain that you do not want to live together before you are married whether it is for religious reasns or not.

mdeidre

I completely disagree with living together before getting married.  For me, as a Christian, I am taught that you aren't supposed to have sex before marriage or put yourself in temptations way, as living together would.  If this isn't your belief set, obviously, you weren't taught the same. 

I do find fault in the school of thought that living together is somehow a "natural" next step.  It's a set up to fail, because you're entering living together with a different set of expectations and a different mindset than you would if you were moving in as husband and wife.  All it shows is that you can cohabite, not that you can be married; a husband and wife have a different relationship than roommates do.

I will say that since you don't want to live together, then don't. You feel that way for a reason.  If your mom won't help you financially, then plan your wedding without her money.  You are an adult, obviously intelligent since you've gotten this far and are getting yourself through school, so make the decision that's right for you and your FI.

lavenderfields13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_help-?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:4e3f1b58-9e0e-4364-9702-422dec2ee9d3Post:21569547-ff5c-4e7d-b985-43c81140db38">Re: Help :-/</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto pp's that living together before the wedding is a very personal choice.  Personally, I'm glad I had the opportunity to find out some of my fiance's quirks (i.e. which way he puts the toilet paper on the roll, the fact that he empties his pockets on the kitchen counter and uses the chair as hat racks, and little things like that which can get annoying over time).  Like you said, you've been together long enough that you likely know many of each other's quirks, but if neither of you has your own place yet, neither of you has had a chance to see how the other would keep house once freed from your mother's rules/standards, but you can certainly grow together if you can be patient with each other.  If you choose not to live together before marriage that is a fine choice and one that, as an adult, you don't need to allow your mother to manipulate you into changing. So, I suppose my advice would be, don't let your mother manipulate you.  If you're enough of an adult to get married, you're enough of an adult to pay for your own wedding.  (I presume you're talking about financial help).  Most brides on TK will tell you not to count on anything until you have the money in hand.  So I'll ditto redhead that when you start planning you can tell your mother "I have chosen to do X and hope you can support me."
Posted by meganb1977[/QUOTE]

This!

snwilson0416

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_help-?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:4e3f1b58-9e0e-4364-9702-422dec2ee9d3Post:8e8296e8-ab6e-44a6-a89e-ebe66caab08c">Re: Help :-/</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely disagree with living together before getting married.  For me, as a Christian, I am taught that you aren't supposed to have sex before marriage or put yourself in temptations way, as living together would.  If this isn't your belief set, obviously, you weren't taught the same. <strong> I do find fault in the school of thought that living together is somehow a "natural" next step.  It's a set up to fail, because you're entering living together with a different set of expectations and a different mindset than you would if you were moving in as husband and wife.  All it shows is that you can cohabite, not that you can be married; a husband and wife have a different relationship than roommates do.</strong> I will say that since you don't want to live together, then don't. You feel that way for a reason.  If your mom won't help you financially, then plan your wedding without her money.  You are an adult, obviously intelligent since you've gotten this far and are getting yourself through school, so make the decision that's right for you and your FI.
Posted by mdeidre[/QUOTE]<div>How is it a set up to fail? And I'm curious to know what you mean by  'a different set of expectations'. And knowing if you can cohabitate is a very important thing to know before you get married. I'm not saying that OP is wrong for not wanting to live together, they should do whatever they want, I'm just saying I think it certainly helps. I think this paragraph comes off as a little judgmental.

</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_help-?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:4e3f1b58-9e0e-4364-9702-422dec2ee9d3Post:8e8296e8-ab6e-44a6-a89e-ebe66caab08c">Re: Help :-/</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely disagree with living together before getting married.  For me, as a Christian, I am taught that you aren't supposed to have sex before marriage or put yourself in temptations way, as living together would.  If this isn't your belief set, obviously, you weren't taught the same.  I do find fault in the school of thought that living together is somehow a "natural" next step.  It's a set up to fail, because you're entering living together with a different set of expectations and a different mindset than you would if you were moving in as husband and wife.  All it shows is that you can cohabite, not that you can be married; <strong>a husband and wife have a different relationship than roommates do</strong>. I will say that since you don't want to live together, then don't. You feel that way for a reason.  If your mom won't help you financially, then plan your wedding without her money.  You are an adult, obviously intelligent since you've gotten this far and are getting yourself through school, so make the decision that's right for you and your FI.
Posted by mdeidre[/QUOTE]

I respect you for living by Christian beliefs, but your mindset that "being roommates" before marriage is setting couples up to fail is unfair.

Being married is about sharing a lot of things: money, children, sex, home.  Compatibility and communication are essential for a successful marriage.  Many feel that they can achieve success in these things even if they don't live together before marriage.  I was not one of those people.

I'm thrilled that I learned about my fiance's habits before the law told me we were bound forever.  It was practice as man and wife for us.  It went well, so we're making it legal.

OP, this is a personal decision.  My parents were against us moving in together, but I just ignored them.  I was 28 and paid all my own bills - they could have opinions, but I was not bound to live by them anymore.  If your mother is going to hold the wedding over your head like this, though, I'd start saving up to pay for things yourself.  There's a difference between offering advice and blackmailing you.

jrkjpf

As much as i agree that you and your FI should do what you want, let me express to you that it is very hard to live with someone else when you have been used to your own ways. I've lived alone, besides my cats, for 6 years, last September FI finally moved in together, and it was a culture shock. Not only was i having to share all my belongs, food, space, etc. But I was not having to accept his ways as well, ie. using the toilet with the door open...ick.
Not that i am saying you should move in before you get married, but won't you need to find a place to live together once you do tie the knot? Maybe finding a place together a few months before the wedding wouldn't hurt anything, to start to get you accustomed to living with him, and making compromises.

giggleflirtz

I think that there is a very diverse and wise group here.  I just wanted to say that my Mother was NOT for me and my boyfriend to move in together at all, even though at the time we had been together for almost two years and we were talking about getting engaged at that time. My mother was afraid since I live in a different part of the state, that if it didn't work out I would be homeless.  She really wanted us to be engaged first and have a level of commitment to each other that we would work it out.  I am very stubborn and bull headed and haven't listened to her regarding the situation (and neither has my brother for that matter).  I felt that in signing a lease we have agreed to be financially responsible for each other and care for each other in our day to day lives.  We even signed it on paper! (Hey, sounds a lot like a marriage certificate doesn't it? Which is how I explained to my parents-- It is still a commitment to each other) We have been living together for 3 years and really we live together more as roommates (we actually sleep in seperate rooms) and not because of any sort beliefs, but because in living together we have found that our sleep schedules and the way we sleep in bed is completely different (and we actually need a large bed between us and the dog). I am not saying that any way is right or wrong because I think it largely depends on the couple and what they think will work for them.  I even know couples who got married and they were in college so they still didn't live in the same state for the first year or so.  My suggestion is just find what works for you and stick with it... it is your wedding and your relationship!!