Just Engaged and Proposals

Breaking the News Dilemma

Hi there,

So I'm in a particularly sticky situation. My fiancé and I have been together fiancé October, living together since November, and engaged since January. I am 18 turning 19 in June. He is 21 turning 22.

My parents are divorced. I live with my mum, step dad, and both siblings. They are all very aware of my engagement and the entire progression of my relationship. I wouldn't say they were excited, but they all support my fiancé and me. This side of my family is very open minded and non-traditional. They also know that I did decide after applying to college and seriously considering going due to my other side of my family pressuring me, I have withdrawn and have no intention of going to post-secondary. It has nothing to do with my engagement.

My father's side however, is extremely traditional, pushing for me to go to college, and are completely unaware of the whole situation. They all have been introduced to my fiancé, but do not know that we are engaged, or have been living together, or that I decided that i wasn't going to school. They don't know the age of my fiancé either.

I have not told them any of this information because I feel they will disapprove. I have had a very rough patch with them, I had not spoken to them for six months before December because of them pressuring me about school. They don't take my job seriously because I'm classified as part time, even though I get consistent raises and work a minimum of 30 hours a week, every week, and work 39 a week from May to September. I want to tell them about my decision, my relationship situation, and my engagement as soon as possible.

How do I go about this without offending any of them or having them blame my fiancé for my decisions?

Re: Breaking the News Dilemma

  • I think you have two choices

    1) Since you clearly think you are mature enough for marriage, you should be mature enough to accept that your family may not always approve of your choices. Tell them and be prepared that they will voice their concerns, or even get very upset about this news. If you are so sure that these decisions (moving in together, getting engaged, and not going to school) are absolutely the RIGHT choices for you, then you should be okay with moving forward with those plans without your family's approval.

    2) Realize that they are so upset because they have valid concerns, and reevaluate whether these are the right decisions for you to make right now.

    In my opinion, I'd be on your dad's side. I think your relationship is moving way too fast and there is no need to get engaged now. I also think you are really limiting your career options for your future by not continuing with your education. I don't know you, but I can make those conclusions without all of the details of your life/relationship and be pretty confident that I'm right.
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  • edited March 2013
    I would sit down and have an open conversation with them. Before you go into details tell them you know they have concerns and are more than willing to address them, but for the next (5, 10, however long) minutes, you just want them to listen. Make sure you follow through and address the concerns, don't just brush it off or say "it's my decision!"

    Since you're expecting them to react, go with an open mind and open heart. Addressing their concerns, talking it out and knowing when to calmly say that's enough and to remove yourself from the situation if need be will help you. Don't be defensive or feel like they are attacking you. I'm sure they mean well, and try to see it from everyone's perspective.

    Best of luck, keep us posted!
  • tiny specktiny speck member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2013
    PPs have given you some good advice and things to think about. I'd seriously consider your family's concerns and think about having a long engagement. Congrats!
  • Thanks everyone for your feedback. I appreciate it.

    I do agree, we aren't planning to jump up and get married right away, I was looking at probably at least 4 years engagement. I have been at my job for a long time and it does offer training programs which I've been accepted to several of them, but again my father's side don't believe relevant (i.e. CPR First Aid level C) But I will take all of your advice and let you know how it goes. :)
  • I'm in this camp: realize that they are so upset because they have valid concerns, and reevaluate whether these are the right decisions for you to make right now.

    You have all the time in the world.
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    You've only been together since October? As in less than 6 months ago?  And you are only 18??

    Um...yeah, I think they have valid concerns.  I would approach it from the standpoint that you are planning to wait several years before you get married, but even then, they probably still won't be too excited, so you are just going to have to suck it up and understand that and work towards proving your relationship to them.  

    This might sound cruel, but statistically it's true, but I wouldn't expect a warm welcome from them regardless because they are probably banking on the fact that your relationship won't work out anyways.  The only thing you can do is prove them wrong, and keep communication open in the very real chance that they won't be.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_breaking-the-news-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:6b150e00-b9b1-4c96-bfea-92d62bb8725fPost:9ea594b5-aab8-4a05-b529-616e50dc64a9">Breaking the News Dilemma</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi there, So I'm in a particularly sticky situation. My fiancé and I have been together fiancé October, living together since November, and engaged since January. I am 18 turning 19 in June. He is 21 turning 22. My parents are divorced. I live with my mum, step dad, and both siblings. They are all very aware of my engagement and the entire progression of my relationship. I wouldn't say they were excited, but they all support my fiancé and me. This side of my family is very open minded and non-traditional. They also know that I did decide after applying to college and seriously considering going due to my other side of my family pressuring me, I have withdrawn and have no intention of going to post-secondary. It has nothing to do with my engagement. My father's side however, is extremely traditional, pushing for me to go to college, and are completely unaware of the whole situation. They all have been introduced to my fiancé, but do not know that we are engaged, or have been living together, or that I decided that i wasn't going to school. They don't know the age of my fiancé either. I have not told them any of this information because I feel they will disapprove. I have had a very rough patch with them, I had not spoken to them for six months before December because of them pressuring me about school. They don't take my job seriously because I'm classified as part time, even though I get consistent raises and work a minimum of 30 hours a week, every week, and work 39 a week from May to September. I want to tell them about my decision, my relationship situation, and my engagement as soon as possible. How do I go about this without offending any of them or having them blame my fiancé for my decisions?
    Posted by Laura2513[/QUOTE]

    <div>Question: Who will be paying for this wedding? If you expect your father to foot the bill, then you're probably in for a rude awakening. Does your fiance have a steady job or is he in school? </div><div>
    </div><div>I got engaged when I was 20 and my fiance 18, and my father was less than happy about it. He refused to pay unless I wanted until I graduated college, so we decided to pay for the wedding ourselves. I hadn't expected my dad to pay anyway. I repeatedly kept telling him this was going to happen, and if he didn't stop fighting it, our relationship was going to suffer. Keep in mind this was a year ago, so he's had some time to think it over. Now, my mother is more than supportive, and she's been helping me with favors, ideas, and is planning my shower. My dad eventually accepted the fact that I am an adult in an adult relationship, no matter how young we are, and our relationship actually got better over this time. He has since been extremely generous and paid for my wedding dress, my invitations, and our honeymoon. </div><div>
    </div><div>My advice to you is to tell them NOW so that he has time to think about it. Yes, he is going to be angry and fight it at first, but if you are mature about the situation and prove to him that you are ready for marriage, he will probably come around.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_breaking-the-news-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:6b150e00-b9b1-4c96-bfea-92d62bb8725fPost:8a61bc89-4eda-427d-ade8-f54a99e37dbf">Re: Breaking the News Dilemma</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Breaking the News Dilemma : Question: Who will be paying for this wedding? If you expect your father to foot the bill, then you're probably in for a rude awakening. Does your fiance have a steady job or is he in school?  I got engaged when I was 20 and my fiance 18, and my father was less than happy about it. He refused to pay unless I wanted until I graduated college, so we decided to pay for the wedding ourselves. I hadn't expected my dad to pay anyway. I repeatedly kept telling him this was going to happen, and if he didn't stop fighting it, our relationship was going to suffer. Keep in mind this was a year ago, so he's had some time to think it over. Now, my mother is more than supportive, and she's been helping me with favors, ideas, and is planning my shower. My dad eventually accepted the fact that I am an adult in an adult relationship, no matter how young we are, and our relationship actually got better over this time. He has since been extremely generous and paid for my wedding dress, my invitations, and our honeymoon.  My advice to you is to tell them NOW so that he has time to think about it. Yes, he is going to be angry and fight it at first, but if you are mature about the situation and prove to him that you are ready for marriage, he will probably come around.
    Posted by jackiebrim[/QUOTE]

    <div>My fiancé and I are planning on footing the whole thing. He's finishing school this year and has just a part-time job on the side, but I have a full-time job. I would never expect any of our parents to put a cent into anything (but if they do, bonus!). I'm glad that you mentioned your own experience, hopefully my father will take it in stride as well. We did just tell his side of the family we've been living together, and there was no issues. I'm sure he will come around. :) Thank you!</div>
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