(Lack of) Family Support

ksbennett

My fiance (Rob) and I met in my Sophomore year of high school but became really great friends Senior year (09-10). I am currently 20 and he turns 22 in September. We began dating last April and were engaged in August. We knew right away when we started dating that we were going to get married. It's one of those when you know you know type of things.

That being said, being that I am "so young" and things did happen quickly, I feel as if my family does not even care that this is one of the biggest moments and days of my life. I get no support from them and feel as if this entire event is just an elephant in the room that no one wants to discuss. When Rob and I moved in together in January, my dad told me he could "no longer support your engagement", not that he had given much support in the first place being that we had planned our engagement party to be at his place and he was on board with it until I asked him to check out invitations I had made and he said "Oh, I forgot all about that."

All my sister cares to talk about is how expensive divorce is and how it would tear our kids apart if we had them and got divorced. She basically has set us up to fail from the beginning even if she thinks she's trying to help. That's not the kind of help ANYONE wants.

My mom loves Rob and couldn't wait until I was out of the house...but as for wedding talk, she always says I ask her questions at the wrong time and keeps putting it off.

My brother and his wife haven't even bothered getting to know Rob and as far as they're concerned, we don't exist. The only support, love, and excitement we get is from Rob's parents and all of our friends.

I'm sorry this is such a long post.

We picked our date to be 12-13-13 and although it is a ways away, we want to have the reception site and photographer booked by the end of the summer. We have the mentality that we are paying for the entire wedding ourselves but we want to know if that's the case or not but I feel as if my family is going to keep pushing it off and keep on with the "the weddings far away, we'll deal with it later" mindset.

Has anyone else ever gone through something like this or known someone in my position? Or has anyone done this to someone they love and later regretted it? Please, any help and/or advice is greatly appreciated. I will always cry about this issue but I don't want to stress about it anymore.

Thank you.

ksbennett

My parents are divorced and I was living with my mom, she's had kids in the house for half her life so I know she was mostly excited for me to leave (but I totally understand and it doesn't really bother me). My dad is a very controlling, "my way or the highway" type of person so his understanding and support are things I never fully expected. It's just a rude awakening when he blatantly proves it. And he gave Rob his blessing but after it happened (like I said above), it just became something that he never talked(talks) about. My sister is unmarried with two children and lives with her boyfriend (father of the children). They've been together for god-knows-how-long and I've always respected their relationship

As for the engagement party, if we don't throw it it'll never happen and around here it isn't an issue to host it yourself. It's not a big gift giving event for me and everyone I know so we won't have to worry about people thinking we're begging for gifts. We live in a big event city so nothing is too far-fetched. The party we're planning is basically a big picnic for all our friends and family to get together, very informal.

I'm very glad you mentioned the "don't plan for it until it's in your hands" point. I really need to drill that into my head to prepare for future issues we may have. And I definitely understand about people asking for invites to the wedding. I don't throw out too much of my planning on FB but I still get the most random people asking if they'll be invited just because they know I'm getting married. Plus, I want the details of the wedding to be somewhat of a surprise for our guests. If I give everything away then it won't be so exciting when the day comes!

I love your last point too! I've been telling everyone who asks that I'm not deciding my end of the bridal party until it gets closer. My fiance on the other hand has three super close best friends that he's pretty much known for life so I know they'll all be around for the big day.

I hope I was able to clear up everything for you!!! And thank you so much!

crnflkgirl75

I wouldn't call the engagement party an engagement party then. It is a major breach of etiquette to throw your own party. My guess is that your family doesn't think you two are old enough to be making such a huge commitment. They love you and worry about your happiness. I'd let it slide, and plan on paying EVERYTHING yourselves. I also wouldn't start planning yet. You have a year and 8 months to do it. I planned mine in 3. I wouldn't recommend that short a time, but you certainly don't need this long. Besides, you don't know where you'll be in a year. Better jobs? Moving? These are all possibilities. Don't rush yourselves to choose the venue.

travelerkris

Your family may come around when it gets closer to the date.  In the meantime, enjoy taking the time to plan your wedding, with a budget you two can manage on your own.  Your family probably thinks you're too young.  You'll be a couple of years older at the time you marry, and they will have had time to warm up to the idea by then.  They may get more comfortable with the idea as the event comes closer and they've had more time to be around you guys and to see that you're mature enough to make this kind of commitment.

Annas2013

I got engaged fairly young and after a fairly short relationship too.  But then again my parents were happy.  My fiance actually asked my dad's blessing before asking me to marry him so my parents were definitely involved in that whole process.  Maybe your dad doesn't feel that it's appropriate to live together before marriage?  A lot of people feel that, and it's a personal opinion.  I think it's good that y'all made a longer engagement, and we did the same.  You can wait to plan for a little bit too, don't stress about that.  Your family will come around in time.  Just stay positive and try to maybe bring your fiance around your family.  Give them a chance to get to know him.  Also about your sister?  Some people are just going to be negative.  There's not really anything you can do, but be nice to her.  Maybe she'll come around eventually.  Good luck with everything!  It'll all work out in the end.

calliopeia2013

So, you're definitely pretty young (young enough that I admit I would probably disapprove at least a little if you were my sister/daughter), but that doesn't seem to be the real problem here, at least from what I can see.  You're waiting a reasonable amount of time to get married, you knew your FI for a while before you started dating, your dad approved at least at first, etc.  It sounds like there's something your family disapproves of beyond just the fact that you got engaged young.  Is it the living together so soon after you started dating?  Is it the living together, period?  Is it something about how he treats you? Is it something about Rob's behavior or personality?  I feel like I'm not getting the whole story here.

Look, I don't mean to be doom and gloom-y.  I know nothing about your relationship other than what you've posted here.  But a guy rushing a woman into living together and marriage is a huge red flag for potential abusers.  (Don't mean to say that every guy who rushes into marriage is an abuser- but guys who want to rush into marriage are, statistically, way more likely to be controlling or abusive than guys who don't want to rush into marrage.)  I don't think it's a problem on its own, but that in combination with your family's disapproval for unexplained reasons suggests to me that there may be something more going on here.  Can you fill in a bit more?

firsttimersluck

I was engaged fairly young (was married at 22) but my husband is older (29) and we own our house and cars jointly, have each  other in our wills, PoAs, joint investments, bank accounts etc. He has a degree and a 100% solid career that's not going anywhere, and I am finishing up my degree now (I was supposed to have it down by our wedding date but that didn't happen, thank you budget cuts), we had talked about things like kids, money, religion, death, divorce, horrible tragedies,  "what if"s , etc. 

My point is that we were 100% financially stable as a couple. We didn't depend on any family support at the time of engagement, and planned the entire wedding with our own money. 

If you are those things, then your family has no place to judge you. But even so, they may.. And if that's the case, welcome to grown-up life. People judge, but it's YOUR life together and YOU have to be confident in what that is and WHEN that is. Marriage doesn't stop the judgement, but you have each other and need to lean on each other for support. No one else in those situations. 

May I ask what makes you want to get married so soon ? I mean.. What are you GAINING from getting married soon and not waiting until you're older or done with college and in careers ? 

ksbennett

@crnflkgirl75 Anyone who has anything to do with the event industry down here (New Orleans) books up very quickly any time of year. Most brides in this area book at least one year in advance. Plus, I want to be able to lock in this years prices as soon as I can!

@travelerkris Thank you so much! I'm hoping everyone will jump on board by the time the wedding comes around. I've supported my family through anything and everything no matter what so it hurts when you don't get that in return. But I'm hoping things will get better.

@annas2013 Some people really are just going to always be negative. I've had people tell me "Oh, I thought the same things you did when I was your age and look at my life!" But I'm not them and they're life is not mine. I've learned to just ignore comments like that. And as for my dad, pretty much nothing is perfect for him. My brother and his wife waiting to do everything until they got married and he's still not happy with them for some reason.

@calliopeia2013 I definitely need to clear some of that up. I definitely understand that I am on the younger side of the marriage spectrum. I've never been a party animal or completely immature...I go to school, I have a great position at a great job, I do everything a stay-at-home wife would do in the household. We are both pretty old-fashioned in the sense that he's going to work and I'll take care of the home and children. I've never wanted much more than that. Although we did find a place to live and sign the lease all within a few days, that was the only rushing that really happened. It was time for both of us to leave our parents' homes. We got really lucky in the entire situation to be able to find a great place for a very good price at the perfect time. He has never done anything to hurt me, physically or emotionally. He's never even yelled at me...we're very good about giving each other space and talking things through when issues arise. No one in my family has ever said anything bad about Rob or ever seemed concerned for my safety. I guess I just feel like by now everyone would be able to put their first reactions aside and be able to be supportive. I don't know how long this is supposed to last for.

@firsttimersluck First of all, your signature photo is so cute!!! Within a few months of dating and knowing that we wanted to spend our lives together, we opened up a joint savings account and we have an equal budget that goes into that account every month. That was almost a year ago so when the opportunity came up to move in together, we were ready to go. We are pretty much set for the wedding, everything we've planned so far is very budget friendly. I just don't want to do everything on our own and then have anyone in my family feel like we didn't want to include them in the planning process...but I guess since they're not getting involved at the beginning they don't really have a place to complain...As for getting married young..I feel like it's indescribable. I, personally, have never felt my age. I was never the party animal, or one to go out and be crazy. I have always felt older than my real age and feel that I see most things/issues on a more mature level. Rob is the most responsible person I have ever met, especially for being 21. He has a good job and is very good with his money. We're not big spenders so I know money won't be an issue. Back to marrying young...another big mindset that Rob and I share is that we want to be as young and active with our children for as long as we can. There's never been an issue on how we plan on raising children...I just feel like I have had my soulmate handed to me and although we took some time to realize the love we had for each other, we know now. And we want to start this adventure and figure out what life is going to throw our way and make it through any storm with our heads held high.

I sound so soppy and lovestruck but that's the best explanation I can come up with about why we want to get married and spend our lives together.

firsttimersluck

No, I get it. It sounds like you are 100% confident in your relationship. Ultimately, that's what counts. 

Don't let your family bring you down. H and I moved in together at abotu 2.5 weeks into our relationship, knew we were going to get married after a couple months, but still wanted to wait it out a bit (mainly because we wanted to experience one deployment first as he is in the military and that's an important aspect of a military couple). 

We all have our own priorities, and if settling down and starting a family is that for you, then that's what it is. That's not for  my H and I as a couple, but we just have different priorities as does everyone ) 

Your wedding is for you two. You are having guests join in and thanking them for joining by holding a fun reception and giving out favors, etc. You do not need their approval or anything. If you want them to be involved, invite them along for things or ask them what they think of colors, but expect for the worst from them as they seem to be negative nancys as is. 

GL with the planning OP! 

eirwyn

Congratulations on your engagement!

Don't feel too sad. When my friends announce an engagement, I'm super-happy-excited, but then it dies down as they get into their planning, especially if the wedding is a couple years away. It's not that I'm not excited for them; it just doesn't make sense to talk about nothing but the wedding for the next two years. 

Once it gets closer, about six months away, I start to get super-omg-excited again. I'm sure people will start to come around once you two are closer to your wedding date. I'm sorry it feels like you're getting the brush-off, and it really is too bad your father got grumpy about you two moving in together. Sometimes it's hard for fathers to let go. Mine was pretty upset when I moved in with the guy I was dating when I was 22. Once I was closer to 30, he didn't give a rat's ass who I lived with.

mparkes

I'm also a young bride. I got engaged at 20 and I'm currently 22 getting married this June. I dont need to get into the whole argument of why I believe I am old enough. I hate when people make me have to justify myself.

I'm sure you've heard all the lectures so I would assume you are mature enough to know what you're doing.

Its something you are just going to have to sit down with your family and discuss. Discuss it in a way in which you are seeking to understand, not seeking to make them join your team.

Hope this helps!