Can I buy my own ring?

kpetrechko

My fiance and I got engaged a year ago - almost accidentally actually. We were laying in bed just talking and I asked if he was ever planning on asking me to marry him... Long story short, basically I asked him on a whim. I know he is not in a position to afford a ring having just had to pay for serious surgery (cornea transplant) as well as some car repairs. I have money saved up in a house/wedding fund, but I don't know if its just too out there to buy my own ring. I know it would be awkward to explain to people and I would miss out on any possibility of an "actual" one-knee, romantic proposal that I know my fiance wants to do. But after almost a year it gets kind of old to have people constantly looking at my hand asking where the ring is.

emarston1

Of course you can buy your own ring!  There really are no rules, just what the wedding industry tells you that you need.  But I would definitely speak to your fiance about his wishes--I know it was a huge sense of pride for FI to pick out and purchase my ring.  However, if he is okay with it, there is no reason why you couldn't.

If you are uncomfortable telling people you paid for it, just don't include this info.  It's really no one else's business but your own.

MsRachelT

A ring is supposed to be a symbol of your commitment to each other so why not if you're commited. It doesn't matter who initiates it.

You can also buy him a mangagement ring which are rings for women to propose to men with. Everything goes today, it's great!

Do what feels rght for you and don't worry about what he is supposed to do and what you are supposed to do. Just go with your heart!

future-mrs

Agree with PP, if you do happen to live together, finances usually come from mostly the same spot anyways.  You should definitely talk to your FI first to make sure he's ok with it.  If so, ask him to come with you, make him a part of the experience.  You can pick it out together which will be fabulous.    Congrats btw!

Julz629

I don't think there's anything wrong with buying it if that's what works for you.  Perhaps your FI could pick it out and surprise you so he is still a big part of the ring experience.

Jenni.Adams

I think its perfectly ok..its actually what I did lol. My fiance and I had been talking about marriage for a couple of years and I'd been looking around for an idea of what I want and found the perfect ring on ebay. Well I'm the one that had a ebay account so I bought it. I'm not really one for surprises and we have pretty much combined finances anyway so.

What I told my fiance is even though I have the ring if he still wants to do the down on one knee proposal he can snag my ring when I'm not wearing it ( I take it off when I'm louging around the house) or he can buy one of the cheap 5 dollar rings from claires and do the down on one knee thing at his discretion, just because I have the ring doesn't mean he can't do a romantic gesture.

It is a bit awkward to explain to people, my family got a kick out of it though, but they care about me and are happy for me and I think your friends and family will feel the same

LuluP82

I think if he wants to propose,  just let him do it. I know my fiance would have been really disappointed if he hadn't gotten a chance to propose with the ring he picked out for me. We had many discussions about marriage and had decided we wanted to get married, but it took some time for him to buy the ring and actually propose.

You can talk to him about it and ask him how he feels, but I think if you know he wants to propose with a ring...it would be pretty selfish to take that away from him.

future-mrs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_can-buy-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c0b66428-deef-4300-97bc-4d28e57eecffPost:88592dfb-cd44-49e2-bb70-90c8ad171ad0">Re: Can I buy my own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]i tend to think that a man buying his woman an engagement ring is a sign of not only commitment but also that he can provide and care for her.  he really can't take a few months to save a down payment?  come on.  i just see that as lazy, to be honest. but if you want to buy your own ring, that's your prerogative and i guess a great way to get exactly what you want. 
Posted by dwebster02[/QUOTE]

I completely disagree with you.  In today's world, finances are VERY hard for a lot of people.  I think as long as she discusses with her FI about the situation it's their choice.  If he's ok with it, I see nothing wrong with it, at all.

A ring is a SYMBOL of commitment that does not HAVE to be bought or even worn.  It has nothing to do with whether or not he'll care for her or not...if he didn't care for her, pretty sure he wouldn't be wanting to get married to her.

On top of all that, if they live together, most likely finances are coming from the same place....

Grow up.

spinner84

I think it's okay but not super romantic but hey, that's life. I'd talk it over with him.

Other options are one of you buying you a cheaper ring, with the expectation that you get a "real" ring when he has more money.

For what it's worth, my fiance bought my engagement ring, but I bought both of our wedding rings. After all, once you get married, it's mostly shared money, right?

dwebster02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_can-buy-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c0b66428-deef-4300-97bc-4d28e57eecffPost:fda0fb56-d0e1-474c-99db-ef4c1f480414">Re: Can I buy my own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can I buy my own ring? : I completely disagree with you.  In today's world, finances are VERY hard for a lot of people.  I think as long as she discusses with her FI about the situation it's their choice.  If he's ok with it, I see nothing wrong with it, at all. A ring is a SYMBOL of commitment that does not HAVE to be bought or even worn.  It has nothing to do with whether or not he'll care for her or not...if he didn't care for her, pretty sure he wouldn't be wanting to get married to her. On top of all that, if they live together, most likely finances are coming from the same place.... Grow up.
Posted by future-mrs[/QUOTE]


...do you really have to be snooty to me because we have different opinions on this subject?  i agreed with no one here and i wasn't condescending to anyone.  furthermore, i added that if she wanted to buy her ring, that was her choice.  i was just offering my opinion.

i guess i'll consider this my warning: if i don't agree with the original poster, i'll keep my mouth shut - so as not to be chewed out by a mod.  grow up?  i'm plenty grown up, thanks.  just because i didn't agree here doesn't mean i'm immature.  i don't think i deserved to be talked down to.

MrsG2B83

Sure! Why not? You already know his intentions ande a ring is a symbol of that. Who cares who bought it?

You could also just spot him the money he needs to get the ring. That way he could give it to you on his terms and you can get the whole bended knee proposal (I thought I had my whole proposal mapped out and my fiance completely turned my plan upside down). I know some brides-to-be who have done that and the groom just either paid the bride back or put them pay back toward the wedding to offset what the bride was going to pay for (if she pays), like "I'll give you that money when it's time to buy your dress".

nebbiolo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_can-buy-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:c0b66428-deef-4300-97bc-4d28e57eecffPost:c7bf60d1-ee9b-42fc-817f-149f127747bc">Re: Can I buy my own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can I buy my own ring? : ...do you really have to be snooty to me because we have different opinions on this subject?  i agreed with no one here and i wasn't condescending to anyone.  furthermore, i added that if she wanted to buy her ring, that was her choice.  i was just offering my opinion. i guess i'll consider this my warning: if i don't agree with the original poster, i'll keep my mouth shut - so as not to be chewed out by a mod.  grow up?  i'm plenty grown up, thanks.  just because i didn't agree here doesn't mean i'm immature.  i don't think i deserved to be talked down to.
Posted by dwebster02[/QUOTE]

I just wanted to add in a vote for NOT buying your own ring (since this poster was apparently alone in that opinion). All judgement aside, my question would be - what's the rush? Why buy your own ring? I think it's important to give him the opportunity to step up, be a man, and propose to you! You deserve it - don't sell yourself short girl!

MandyLovesMarc

I can tell you that my fiance would have had an absolute coronary if I would have bought my own ring.  Actually, I didn't even pick it out.  Everything was a total surprise.  Yes, we had discussed getting married, and yes, I was starting to get antsy, but no...i would have never, in a million years, considered buying my own ring. 

i guess to each his own, but in my mind, if you want to be engaged, and he wants to be engaged, have him actually propose WITHOUT a ring, until he can afford one.  It's just a ring, but it's not important enough to make me ever think I would buy it myself.

future-mrs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_can-buy-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c0b66428-deef-4300-97bc-4d28e57eecffPost:73897d93-b6b7-4cae-a6b3-ee04d035edcc">Re: Can I buy my own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can I buy my own ring? : I just wanted to add in a vote for NOT buying your own ring (since this poster was apparently alone in that opinion). All judgement aside, my question would be - what's the rush? Why buy your own ring? I think it's important to give him the opportunity to step up, be a man, and propose to you! You deserve it - don't sell yourself short girl!
Posted by nebbiolo[/QUOTE]

But if they want to get engaged and start planning the wedding and they BOTH are in agreement...why does it matter?  The finances probably come from the same place anyways.

dw-This is an excellent example of how to politely disagree and not be completely rude about it.

K.Pakka

I, like a couple girls here, paid for my own ring.  In the end, I got the perfect ring for me and no one knows that I paid for it.  No one asks about that part of the ring or engagement (usually) so go for it, girl!!  I do agree with the others, though...you might want to speak with you FI about it first. I bought mine after having shown it to my FI and when it was time to pick it up, he went to the store, picked it up, and kept it for a time when he was able to propose.  That way he felt more a part of the whole thing. Congratulations on the engagement!  

SarahSmile23

personally, i'd express my desire for a ring and let him buy one. i know a guy whose ex proposed to him and bought her ring with his credit card and he felt emasculated. he always resented her for it and wished she had let him be more involved in the process. i'd express my wishes and then i'd be patient. a ring does not an engagement make.

ggmae

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_can-buy-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:c0b66428-deef-4300-97bc-4d28e57eecffPost:fda0fb56-d0e1-474c-99db-ef4c1f480414">Re: Can I buy my own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can I buy my own ring? : I completely disagree with you.  In today's world, finances are VERY hard for a lot of people.  I think as long as she discusses with her FI about the situation it's their choice.  If he's ok with it, I see nothing wrong with it, at all. A ring is a SYMBOL of commitment that does not HAVE to be bought or even worn.  It has nothing to do with whether or not he'll care for her or not...if he didn't care for her, pretty sure he wouldn't be wanting to get married to her. <strong>On top of all that, if they live together, most likely finances are coming from the same place</strong>.... Grow up.
Posted by future-mrs[/QUOTE]

I notice that you have used this argument several times now. Not all couples who live together have joint finances. My best friend and her fiance split everything 50/50 each month. The same goes for another 2 couples that I know. So, while some couples do join their finances, it's not a strong argument because there are plenty of people out there who keep their money completely separate while living together.

saradoolittle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_can-buy-own-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:c0b66428-deef-4300-97bc-4d28e57eecffPost:88592dfb-cd44-49e2-bb70-90c8ad171ad0">Re: Can I buy my own ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]i tend to think that a man buying his woman an engagement ring is a sign of not only commitment but also that he can provide and care for her.  he really can't take a few months to save a down payment?  come on.  i just see that as lazy, to be honest. but if you want to buy your own ring, that's your prerogative and i guess a great way to get exactly what you want. 
Posted by dwebster02[/QUOTE]

I personally totay agree wit the above to a certain degree minus the lazy part. I think that went a bit too far. I thnk that somewhere down the road your fiance might resent it. It really depends on how honest and open he is now about his feelings. Another idea if he really agrees would be to go pick out the engagement ring together, but he does the wedding ring. Give him big hints though! You know men don't always get it right.
Best wishes and congratulations.
Sara

saradoolittle

Wow, it seems wherever I go on here, people are very snippy with each other. I guess planning a wedding brings on the stress, and the stress brings out the biotch? I dont know, but I am new as today and almost every thead has drama.

marinabreeze

I would, for the most part, agree with dwebster, minus the "lazy" part (because the OP did say her FI had just had major surgery, etc., and that can drain one's finances even if one has been responsible with money).  I'm a little old-fashioned, but my opinion is that if a man truly wants to marry you and he is in a position to do so, he will ask you.  The impression I got from the OP is that she was kind of bugging him about it, and he capitulated.  That makes me question if they are truly engaged at all in the guy's mind, or if he's going along with it to placate the OP.  I don't think it's snark, I think it's a legitimate question to ask.

As far as the ring, I think a lot of guys want to be able to do that themselves.  My FI, for example, is somewhat of a quiet person and kind of shy, but when he felt he was ready, he proposed, ring and all.  It sounds like in the OP's case, there's more going on than "he can't afford the ring"...an e-ring doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive.  Maybe he's just not ready.  My suggestion would be to lay off, don't get the ring, and let him get the ring and propose on his time (within reason).

future-mrs

While I may have been a little harsh with dw, she has a lot of responses all over this forum that are really snarky and un-necessary.  This board is definitely not one that needs/requires snarky replies. 

It's for congratulations to the new engagements and whatnot.  Happy stuff, ya know?  It's my understanding I've been brought here to help Sarah out and keep positive things going (i.e. keep a lot of negativity out.)  There's certain places on TK where it's ok to say certain things and others where it's not ok.  And I feel this board doesn't need some of it.

This is where a lot of newbs post first and this is board sets the tone for the entire community.  I'm just trying to keep everything kosher.  I respect everyone's opinions but like I said, this board doesn't need some of them.

As for a ring, an engagement can go with or without one.  And I don't think it symbolizes whether or not a couple is going to make it, someone is lazy or someone is un-caring, etc.  In all reality, it's just a piece of jewelry, while the symbolization for some, is nice, it definitely isn't a have-to to seal the deal.

My FI and I do our bills together but have separate checking accounts and whatnot, it's a personal choice.  Whether a ring comes from a couple with combined finances or separate, the above still applies as far as meaning goes, etc.  Just depends on what the couple agrees on together.  There's really no "right" way so-to-speak.

Now that I feel like I've beaten a dead horse too much, I'm stepping out of this thread.