Time & Family...& drama

Whitnie09

I've been engaged for almost two months, we would like to marry this august (may sound soon, i dont think i like the sound of a long engagement). my parents however, have the opion that we should wait a year (after we graduate from a local bible college). We are both 20, and that may be young but its something we've decided we want to do. I know in order to have a wedding this year, i must get the ball rolling, and i know it can be done. I just worry about my side of the family and how to get them to accept & possibly be happy for me. (His family by the way is ALL for us getting married. Any advice out there? (please lol) 

LadyArkham

Long engagements aren't that bad. It gives you time to really work through premarital counseling and any issues you might have, and figure out what you're going to do once you're married.

Will it hurt you guys to wait a year to make your family happy? Do they have any reasons for wanting you to wait other than to make sure you both graduate? I know that's not what you want to hear, but every once in a while your family can have a better perspective on your relationship than you do.

My sister is 21, her boyfriend is 20, and they're talking about engagement and marriage. The rest of the family sees this relationship as kind of questionable - he doesn't know what he wants to do after college (with a voice major), he's kind of impulsive, he's not really as mature as her, and they have very different families - his mom is kind of the house servant to Dad and sons, while my mom is very independent. We're really encouraging her to wait, wait, wait, and I know it's stressful for her, especially because he wants to GetMarriedRightNow. But I hope that looking back, she'll realize that we were looking out for *both* of them, and not just trying to stand in their way. (Even though his family is eager for them to get married and start having kids!)

Whitnie09

Okay, here's the story:  (sorry if its tmi)

We've known each other since highschool, our junior/senior year we really started getting to know one another and both ended up going to the same college (not because of each other, just where we ended up) and we've continued to grow closer since then. Im not going to say we've done everything the right way as far as the traditional "how to get engaged"  I come from a christian home and as such i believe in no sex before marriage. He (my fiance) has a had somewhat of a past; and we talked about it when we started dating (offically about a year ago). Probably the biggest down fall we've had was when we got engaged. i left it up to him how to handle my family. (he thinks they dont like him) and so he asked me to marry him and then we told my family (ill admit, not they way to do it, but whats done is done.) 
In the uproar, my dad said that if we had it this year, he would not attend (he was blowing steem) but that if we waited a year, he would be there with bells and thistles to give us his blessing (his 'blessing' went from meaning a lot to me to meaning just a meaningless word). Since then things have gotten a little better, my dad isnt mad anymore. We had planned on paying for the wedding ourselves. Ive talked to my family about the possiblity of getting married this year and it seems as though its a footnote to them. My dad, about a week ago asked if we had come up for a budget for the wedding so we (he would like to contribute) could be saving, he would like to be a part of it (still i believe in reference to next year).

To answer the question of would it kill us to wait? no. I do, however, like the idea of being around people I know my first year of marriage, as after school there is a possiblity of moving ( and i prefer to avoid the situation of: newly wed, new place, new people, new job, etc and put even more pressure on our first year together). 
  And i dont want to get married just for sex, because i know thats not a reason to get married. i just want the joy of growing closer as a couple and being there for each other and not risk messing something up in the meantime.

sorry, thats probably a lot of info to just put out there. (i am new to all this..posting)

jagore08

Who all is paying for the wedding?  If your parents offered to pay for it you may have no choice.  Have you guys dated for a while?  They may think you're rushing it to get married in such a short period of time.  

You and your FI should sit down with your parents and openly talk about the wedding and why they think you should wait a year.  I can understand why your parents would want you to wait until you're out of school, which doesn't seem like it would be that far away.  What's the worst thing that would happen if you two did wait until you graduated? 

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_time-family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e29e579e-dc20-4497-983d-9f6bad479e51Post:56903a82-8daa-4a4f-9373-49895999fc0e">Time & Family...& drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been engaged for almost two months, we would like to marry this august (may sound soon, i dont think i like the sound of a long engagement). my parents however, have the opion that we should wait a year (after we graduate from a local bible college). We are both 20, and that may be young but its something we've decided we want to do. I know in order to have a wedding this year, i must get the ball rolling, and i know it can be done. I just worry about my side of the family and how to get them to accept & possibly be happy for me. (His family by the way is ALL for us getting married. Any advice out there? (please lol) 
Posted by Whitnie09[/QUOTE]

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_time-family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e29e579e-dc20-4497-983d-9f6bad479e51Post:7f99ad9f-3ba2-4390-92d1-e91465644e0b">Re: Time & Family...& drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, here's the story:  (sorry if its tmi) We've known each other since highschool, our junior/senior year we really started getting to know one another and both ended up going to the same college (not because of each other, just where we ended up) and we've continued to grow closer since then. Im not going to say we've done everything the right way as far as the traditional "how to get engaged"  I come from a christian home and as such i believe in no sex before marriage. He (my fiance) has a had somewhat of a past; and we talked about it when we started dating (offically about a year ago). Probably the biggest down fall we've had was when we got engaged. i left it up to him how to handle my family. (he thinks they dont like him) and so he asked me to marry him and then we told my family (ill admit, not they way to do it, but whats done is done.)  In the uproar, my dad said that if we had it this year, he would not attend (he was blowing steem) but that if we waited a year, he would be there with bells and thistles to give us his blessing (his 'blessing' went from meaning a lot to me to meaning just a meaningless word). Since then things have gotten a little better, my dad isnt mad anymore. We had planned on paying for the wedding ourselves. Ive talked to my family about the possiblity of getting married this year and it seems as though its a footnote to them. My dad, about a week ago asked if we had come up for a budget for the wedding so we (he would like to contribute) could be saving, he would like to be a part of it (still i believe in reference to next year). To answer the question of would it kill us to wait? no. I do, however, like the idea of being around people I know my first year of marriage, as <strong>after school there is a possiblity of moving ( and i prefer to avoid the situation of: newly wed, new place, new people, new job, etc and put even more pressure on our first year together). </strong>   And i dont want to get married just for sex, because i know thats not a reason to get married. <strong>i just want the joy of growing closer as a couple and being there for each other and not risk messing something up in the meantime.</strong> sorry, thats probably a lot of info to just put out there. (i am new to all this..posting)
Posted by Whitnie09[/QUOTE]<div>I understand wanting the comfort of having family and friends nearby but you shouldn't make that the reason to get married sooner.  There are many, many reason to have stress in a marriage but if you two have a strong relationship you should be able to talk through problems.  And if you need friends and family they will be a phone call away.  </div><div>
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LadyArkham

Is your FI a Christian? Are you? Have you guys prayed about getting married? Asked your pastors? Are you planning premarital counseling?

Are you sure that you're past the "infatuation" stage and really into the part of your relationship where you understand each other? Gary Chapman, the Christian marriage counselor who wrote the awesome book "The Five Love Languages," suggests that it takes two years to work through the initial "high" of being in love and to settle down into the work that a loving relationship is.

Whatever the answer to those questions, and whenever you get married, your fiance needs to work at making things right with your family. Whether that means apologizing for not asking your dad first, or just listening seriously to their advice, he needs to show them respect. I can understand why your dad would feel disrespected. This is a break in your relationship with him that needs healing.

I think being newlyweds after you graduate isn't as bad as you fear. You'll have each other, and you can keep in contact with people. I'm not much of an expert on what it's like to be newlywed, but other people are - ask people that you know who are married what they think of that situation.

mandi921vh

I suggest waiting until you have finished with college, a lot can change during those years. I thought I wanted to marry the guy I was with when I was 20, so glad that didn't work out. 

meganiobe

I think that there is no point to rush into things. I don't see why waiting would really be that bad.  If you rush and things aren't as peachy as you think they are going to be then what are you going to do?

artbyallie

A lot of ladies here advocate having a life of your own (finishing an education, holding a job, paying your bills) for at least a little while before getting married, and I strongly agree. Sure, I would've liked to get married a year or two ago (I'm 23) but I see now that it would have been a bad idea. Maybe not marriage-ending-bad, but rocky nonetheless. I hate being independant, but it was good for me in the long run. So, even though it's not what you want to hear:

Finish college. Find a job and a place to live that's not with mom and dad. Pay your own bills. Then get married. It's worth it. Promise. And we're also waiting for marriage to have sex, for what that's worth.

kgettingmarried

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_time-family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e29e579e-dc20-4497-983d-9f6bad479e51Post:f86eb73c-f7fa-43a5-8ddf-ab4e3e02a43f">Re: Time & Family...& drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I suggest waiting until you have finished with college, a lot can change during those years. I thought I wanted to marry the guy I was with when I was 20, so glad that didn't work out. 
Posted by mandi921vh[/QUOTE]


I do too.  I was with someone from 18-23, and I am so glad I never married them.  I couldn't honestly see myself living the lifestyle that person was living forever, and they didn't want to change, and to be honest, I met FI afterwards and knew that he was the one.

So, I agree that a lot can change - my entire life changed from 18 to 25.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_time-family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e29e579e-dc20-4497-983d-9f6bad479e51Post:7f99ad9f-3ba2-4390-92d1-e91465644e0b">Re: Time & Family...& drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, here's the story:  (sorry if its tmi) We've known each other since highschool, our junior/senior year we really started getting to know one another and both ended up going to the same college (not because of each other, just where we ended up) and we've continued to grow closer since then. Im not going to say we've done everything the right way as far as the traditional "how to get engaged"  I come from a christian home and as such i believe in no sex before marriage. He (my fiance) has a had somewhat of a past; and we talked about it when we started dating (offically about a year ago). Probably the biggest down fall we've had was when we got engaged. i left it up to him how to handle my family. (he thinks they dont like him) and so he asked me to marry him and then we told my family (ill admit, not they way to do it, but whats done is done.)  In the uproar, my dad said that if we had it this year, he would not attend (he was blowing steem) but that if we waited a year, he would be there with bells and thistles to give us his blessing (his 'blessing' went from meaning a lot to me to meaning just a meaningless word). Since then things have gotten a little better, my dad isnt mad anymore. We had planned on paying for the wedding ourselves. Ive talked to my family about the possiblity of getting married this year and it seems as though its a footnote to them. My dad, about a week ago asked if we had come up for a budget for the wedding so we (he would like to contribute) could be saving, he would like to be a part of it (still i believe in reference to next year). To answer the question of would it kill us to wait? no. I do, however, like the idea of being around people I know my first year of marriage, as after school there is a possiblity of moving ( and i prefer to avoid the situation of: newly wed, new place, new people, new job, etc and put even more pressure on our first year together).    And i dont want to get married just for sex, because i know thats not a reason to get married.<strong> i just want the joy of growing closer as a couple and being there for each other and not risk messing something up in the meantime</strong>. sorry, thats probably a lot of info to just put out there. (i am new to all this..posting)
Posted by Whitnie09[/QUOTE]

This sentence really jumped out at me.  You two will continue to grow closer every day you're together; whether dating, engaged, or married.  If you're worried that something could 'mess it up in the meantime' it sounds like you're not ready... like you're afraid if you don't do it now the relationship will fall apart, which isn't how you want to start your life together!  If something 'messes it up' it would have done so whether you are engaged or married at the time, and I personally would rather it fall apart during an engagement.

My FI and I have been together since just before I turned 20.  I knew at 20 that I wanted to marry him, and he felt the same way - we've been talking about our future and kids, etc. ever since then.  But we waited until we had both finished school, had jobs, and were settled before getting engaged.  I'm now 23,  I have a career and a nice little savings account and I am SO glad we didn't rush into it.  My love for FI is stronger now than it was 3 years ago.  Our relationship certainly wasn't diminshed by waiting and we are both stronger as individual people for holding off.

MissOwl

my so and i have been together since we were 15(me)/16(him). We are 26(me) and 27 (him) now and are still not engaged. we are also abstaining until marriage. we live together. it can be done. use the next year to strengthen your relationship rather than rushing into marriage.