Just Engaged and Proposals

Parents hate the idea of a wedding.....?

Hi, I'm new to The Knot so I'm sorry if I sound like a total dork here, but I'm kind of at a loss. My boyfriend and I have seriously been talking about marriage and stuff for quite a while now, but this post really isn't about that. My parents and I have never really been 'close'. Not that we are distant from each other, but we don't trade secrets and they have never been my shoulder to cry on. They are very suck it up kind of people and often when something is wrong, it is my fault. Not joking here. Anyways, I've always over looked this, but whenever I bring up the topic of a wedding my parents SCOFF at the idea and say that we should just go to the court house (Like they, my brother, and sister all did) and not 'blow' the money for a one day thing. And I could see how they view it that way, but since I was a little girl, like most of you here, I've DREAMED of my wedding. Even now, I can't even go on pintrest without looking at wedding things. So the problem? I really want my parents to be a part of this without treating it like some stupid affair. I know because they don't agree with it, they will not finacially support the wedding at all and if they did, they would want to control EXACTLY how the money was spent, so I'd rather just pay for it on my own. The reason I know is because when my sister got married the first time they did that to her. Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for advice here from women with experience. I am kind of young (21), but this is a very real problem to me. I know I won't be judged here, so I wanted to ask you lovely ladies this question for advice. A little background: I have VERY low self value when it comes to my parents. I'm a first generation college student and I've tried VERY hard to make my parents proud, but they always make it a point to say what I do is never good enough or  it's stupid. They've never really encouraged anything I do, unless it's what they want. Has anyone else faced this problem? I could just say screw off and I usually do because I get tired of constantly feeling terrible about myself, but they're my parents and I really want them to be there when I pick out my dress and stuff. I really want them to support me and not mock my choices the whole way. So what do you guys think? Thanks girls! 

P.S. Sorry this was so long!Embarassed

Re: Parents hate the idea of a wedding.....?

  • I have a poor/minimal relationship with my highly critical and controlling parents. Here's the best advice I've ever received: You can only control your behavior, can't do a thing about theirs or their attitudes or make them into the parents you want them to be. 

    You can't make your parents be part of the planning if they don't want to, and really if they are hyper critical and controlling you don't want them to be. Plan on paying for everything without their help and only involve them on things you know they will either agree with you on or you can handle the worst case scenario criticism from them. Build your own support network of other family and friends that will help you meet whatever emotional needs you have that won't be fulfilled by your parents. 
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  • My mom and dad couldn't have cared less about my wedding. 
    Neither helped with a single thing regarding the planning/finances. 
    It sucked because it would have been nice to have that mom-daughter time at least, but it just wasn't there. 
    Ultimately they coudl suck it. 
    The wedding was for H and me, and we were thrilled with everything we decided to do for it, regardless of my/his family/friends. 

    It's part of growing up. Remember that you only control your behavior and your emotions, and that you're marrying a man that won't make you feel the way your current family is making you feel. It's for the two of you and no one else. If they don't like it, they don't need to attend. 
  • I agree with the PP, it's your day & I know you really want them to be there but in all honesty, I don't think thye care one way or the other. You only do it once and it should  be a happy, wonderful day you'll both remember  for years to come. So, do it your way & hv no regrets because, the way u desribe them, they don't
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    I think you received good advice on this question when you posted it on the other board.
  • It's your special day and you should make it how the two of you want it to be, if your parents don't like it that to bad it's not their day, they already had their day.

    I just recently got engaged and my family was happy and excited about it. When we told my fiance's famliy about it they were less than thrilled.  His mom wants him to be 30 (we are both currently 23) before getting married and is concerned that we don't have our exs "out of our system yet".  I've also been hearing a lot of people saying things like "well.. your life has just ended", "why do you want to get married, married life is just hell", and "once you get married all the fun is over".  It's my personal opinion that if you aren't enjoying married life then it's your fault. It's your job to make it fun.
  • You got great advice already.  

    I think for me, I would just not include them in the details.  Go dress shopping with a close friend or other supportive family member.  Talk wedding with people who will be happy for you and support your decision.  You can still have your parents in the 'traditonal' roles at the wedding if you would like, but I think it's best not to involve them in any of the planning.  Why put yourself through that when this should be one of the happiest times of your 'new' life?  Happy planning.
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  • I recently just went through a very similar situation. I am EXTREMELY close to my mom (I'm an only child) and when I would bring up the topic of marriage or a wedding,or even the possibility of me getting engaged for that matter, my mom freaked out. (I'm 21 as well & my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years) 
    My mom is very stubborn and set in her ways, so talking with her about something she doesn't agree with is like talking to a wall. :)
    Anyways, I wrote my mom a letter. (In your case, I'd write one to your parents.) I know it sounds silly, but it empowered me to say everything I needed to, without the arguing and she had no choice but to hear me out. After I explained to her why I want to get married and that I intend on a 2 year engagement..and just how much I wanted her to be a part of my day, she jumped on board. Don't get me wrong, she was very insistent that I finish my Bachelors first (I'm 12 credits shy right now) & she still has concerns, but at least we're on the same page now. I think you should do the same with your parents. If it doesn't work, then I agree with the other girls that you should plan anyways, but if there's a way to get your parents involved, do it. It's a special time and experience. If they don't come through for you, it's on them. If you don't make an effort, it'll end up being your regret. I hope it all works out. I know it's tough, but in the end all of this will be worth it and I'm sure you'll have a beautiful big day. happy planning! :)<3 
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