Any Younger-Than-Average Brides Out There?

kelseydjames

We got engaged 6 months ago, at 19. We're getting married on May 22nd so we'll both be 20. And no, I'm not pregnant. Anyone else dealing with the "why are you getting married so young if you're not pregnant" crap?

LadyMadrid08

I was in the exact same boat.  I got engaged at 19 and now, at 20 I'm married.  My H is 26, almost 27 so he didn't really get those questions, but a lot of people would be surprised or express concern when they found out I was getting married.

I think the only thing I can say is that yeah, it sucks sometimes, but you need to realize that most people who say that have good reasons for doubting the success of such a young relationship.  Also, if it's your parents and close friends my advice would be to listen earnestly to their concerns and take the time to really think about what they're saying instead of just dismissing it as crap.

Also, pre-marital couseling is something I think is useful for every couple whether it be religious or not. Additionally, reading something like this (http://marriage.about.com/od/premaritaltests/a/questionstoask.htm) with your FI and answering the questions together would be a good idea.  

I was personally glad that people shared their concerns with me.  What I find to be crossing the line is when random people you've just met think they need to comment on it.  But there's nothing you can do about that other than ignore it with a smile.  

Young marriages CAN work, but both partners have to enter the marriage with the same ideas of marriage and committment.  And it's true that young marriages have a lower statistical chance of working out in the long run.  For those reasons I really do believe pre-marital counseling is a great idea.  For all couples, not just young ones, but young ones especially.  

I think I'm beginning to ramble.  Basically the point is this: It can be annoying, but take a moment and just realize that what they are saying is not just crap.

kedorsett

We are both 19...will both be 21 when married.

j&n3

we got engaged when we were 20 but we'll be married when we are 23 and a half. yeah i get those kind of things all the time, but you roll with the punches. it's annoying but no one but you understands your relationship. people want to throw their 2 cents in and they are just showing concern, but you have to know when they overstep their boundaries. 

kelseydjames

See, that;s the annoying part. Our family and friends are incredibly excited, it's the random people we hardly even know, the friends of friends, especially the lady trying to sell me my wedding dress!

We are doing pre-marriage counseling through our church, that was a must for both of us because we do recognize the statistics of young marriages.

It's nice to know we're not the only ones out there! Everyone seems to be waiting until there 30s to get married these days, we're just a little more old fashioned than that

LadyMadrid08

Yeah, I get you there.  Recently I was getting my hair cut and the stylist was making small talk.  He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said that I was actually married.  He literally started yelling at me about how terrible that is and how I should be out living life and partying. How to explain that I already had my partying phase and am very glad to have closed that chapter of my life...not to mention, who said you can't party with your husband?

That was grand.  It's not only the age, but a lot people in Spain, where I live, are not planning to marry ever.  Parejas de Hecho, which is basically like marriage, but without the ceremony, are becoming much more the norm.  And those couples that do choose to get married rarely get to the altar before 30.  I know it's a different culture, but getting those same looks and reactions every time someone found out I was getting married did get extremely frustrating.  

Sorry for the long posts, but I really can relate.    

BTW-- I think it's great that your families are so supportive.  That's really important.  

Candystar

I'm 21 and he's 20. We'll be married next year, so I'll be 22 and he'll be 21. My parents are giving me grief about "not being ready" not for any sane emotional reasons, no... their beef is this outdated sexist crap about how he's not ready to "provide" for me (*gag! vomit! hack!*). I graduated in May, but he will not be out of college until the December after our wedding. My mom is totally opposed to our wedding because she thinks he needs to have a job to "take care of me." Ugh. >:O

kelseydjames

That's so stupid! We get asked a lot if he's "ready to provide" and "ready to make a family", luckily we both work while going to school, and he's been working since he was 15 saving every penny, so we actually have more than enough going into the marriage. I just hate that they ask as if we're too stupid to have thought of that already. There's a big difference between being 20 and being 16. One set of my grandparents and his only living grandparents have all been married for over 50 years. His are going on 55. They got married at 18, mine were only 16 (it was legal back then of course), so clearly it can happen just fine.

And LAdyMadrid08; Don't worry about the long posts, I like them. Helps me realize I'm not alone in all of this.

stephdonjon

@ Lady Madrid- He yelled at you like that? The nerve of some people...

We've been engaged for a little over 3 months now. We were both 21 at the time, but we turned 22 two weeks later. We'll both be 23 by next August, when the wedding is. I haven't faced too much opposition - my parents aren't against our age (we're 6 days apart). My dad thinks we should wait until we're both long into our careers, but when you're both PhD track, we'd be damn near 30 by then, haha. My mom actually really supports us getting married so young, because she thinks we'll really be able to grow together, whereas sometimes you meet someone who is already so set in their ways and its harder to deal with conflict. She was only 20 when she married my dad, so I think that helps. I remind myself a lot that the average marrying age is 24 or 25 nowadays, so I'll only fall short a year. :P Nah, it really doesn't bother me, and our friends and families are very supportive.

san.marie

I'm 20, will be 21 next year when we get married.  FI is 25, will be 26.  I don't really worry about what other people think.  We've been together over 3 and a half years, and all of my family and friends were supportive, so everyone else is out of line to say anything anyway.

jesselyn&k

I'll be 22 and FI will be 24 when we get married. And what makes it worse is that I look really young. I've been mistaken for a 16 year old I don't know how many times.

But I'm okay with that.

FI's parents got married when they were 18, after dating for only a few months, so it's kind of hard for them to say anything to us since we've been together for over three years.

LauraT25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_younger-average-brides-out-there?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:35122349-0b03-4e49-9a9b-d47b776eeccaPost:8d5655e0-66f2-44d1-b27f-a751ae751d14">Re: Any Younger-Than-Average Brides Out There?</a>:
[QUOTE] I think the only thing I can say is that yeah, it sucks sometimes, but you need to realize that most people who say that have good reasons for doubting the success of such a young relationship...  Basically the point is this: It can be annoying, but take a moment and just realize that what they are saying is not just crap.
Posted by LadyMadrid08[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  The fact is, you ARE very young.  People are just showing their concern, and you need to be gracious about it (not saying that you're not).  Sure, random people saying stuff is somewhat rude and overstepping their bounds, but since you don't know them it doesn't hurt you to just listen politely and thank them for thier advice.  If someone really gets rude, ignore them and change the subject or walk away.    If it's someone close to you, just listen to what they have to say.

Getting married so young, you have to know that this is something you will deal with often, but all that matters is that you think you're making the right decision.  FWIW, I am always shocked when I hear that a 19 year-old is engaged, though if it's someone I care about I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, and if it's a stranger I realize it's not my business and leave it alone.  My point is, you shouldn't be surprised that people have comments.

kdm06c

I am 22 now, we got engaged when I was 18, been dating since I was 16. Both our families were really happy and excited for us even though we are so young. 

However, we did get the major side eye from people that don't really know us. And when we did find out we were pregnant, people who didn't know us assumed our engagement was from that, even though we have been engaged for years. Our families, his family in particular, tried to push us to go ahead and get married because I was pregnant to which wasn't cool with us either!!

It is hard but I have just learned to ignore it!!

Good luck!

rkjensen

My fiance and I are both twenty, we'll both be 21 by the time we're married. People that don't know us well always comment about how we are young, but the people that know us are excited. We've been together for two years and eight months already, I have my Associates of Art and I am currently working on a BA, while my fiance will graduate with a BS next spring. I have no problem getting married young, I've always thought it sad that people would wait so long just to have all their ducks in a row. I'd rather build my life with them, rather than try and fit them in later.

joannerryan

I was 22 when I got engaged, and I'll be 24 by the time the wedding rolls around...so pretty average in my city. Since I had been finished university for two years, and since my fiance is 28, nobody seemed shocked. I do have one family member, (my uncle) who believes that I'm far too young. He and his wife didn't get married until their late 30s, and MAN oh MAN has it been rocky for them! So I had a lot of resentment getting advice from two people who can barely keep it together...even though they DID wait a long time before getting married. My mom simply reminded her brother: "As you know, marriage is a huge risk, no matter what age you are."
So, yes, it is risky, and if I was to marry the man I was dating at age 19, I'd be in a whole lot of trouble today!!
If you guys have been dating long enough and have your lives organized, then that's your decision, no one else's.
I do recommend having some alone time together before having children. Most of my fiance's friends have celebrated their first wedding anniversaries with a new baby. I would like to spend a couple more years snuggling up to watch movies and sleeping in on Saturdays, thanks! You two deserve the alone time! So congratulations on your engagement...just don't jump on the baby train just yet!

kelseydjames

We've set a "no baby until after college" goal. If we prevent it and it happens anyways, we do have a plan set just to be safe, but we're in no hurry.

@ rkjensen: I completely agree! We knew that we wanted to get married someday, so we planned on doing it after college was over. But when we learned that both of our majors  had excellent programs at the same university, we decided to go to the same school. However we both refuse to live together until after we're married for religious reasons, so we figured what's the point in paying for two seperate apartments? And why sit there and watch the other one experience one of the most eventful times in a persons life instead of being married and experiencing it all together?

jess0617

I'm 20 and my FI is 23. I am still in school and my FI is done. We got the whole "no marriage til i get a degree" from his parents but ultimately it's our decision. I can understand peoples opinions about being young but people don't have to come right out and say you must be pregnant. I've had actual vendors ask me that, almost slapped a woman in the face. Just because you are doing something that isn't the "norm" anymore doesn't make it wrong! Best of luck and remember there are tons of younder than usual brides, haha! And statistically, my priest was saying that the average age of marriage is getting younger and younger every year.  I would agree 100% on marriage counselling, you learn amazing things about eachother and it can be an eye opener for sure. All the best!

babygoat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_younger-average-brides-out-there?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:35122349-0b03-4e49-9a9b-d47b776eeccaPost:505255a7-da65-4a51-b766-b15beda16ece">Re: Any Younger-Than-Average Brides Out There?</a>:
[QUOTE]My dad thinks we should wait until we're both long into our careers, but when you're both PhD track, we'd be damn near 30 by then, haha.
Posted by stephdonjon[/QUOTE]

I totally hear you!  I was unsure at first about being engaged before I'm done with college, but since both FI and I are on the medical track, we have so many years of school left that it doesn't really matter...

Anyway, OP, I know a little bit of what you mean - I was 21 when FI proposed in June (just turned 22 this month) and I think people have their doubts about that.  Mostly I detect it in the way that they ask "so... have you set a date...?" with so much hesitation, I can tell they're thinking "I sure hope it's not soon, you crazy young girl!"  But once I knew that my parents approved, there wasn't anyone else that really mattered.  Good luck dealing with the grumps, though - maybe they're just jealous! ;)

coleandalexia2010

I just turned 20 and we're planning our wedding in two months. So not only do I get crap about being young, I get accused of being pregnant as well! We have our reasons for doing it sooner than the norm, but it bugs me every time people ask.

jmh01777

I just got engaged - I'm 20, he's 21, I'll be 22 and he'll be 23 when we get married - right after I finish my BA. We have already been dating for four years, and he just graduated from college. I know exactly how you all feel, although for the most part people have been very supportive. Some family members are slightly in shock but they haven't said anything to me yet. By the way they were talking to me, I can just tell how they feel =P I really do WANT to finish school before I start this next chapter of my life with my fiance, but hopefully we will be living together soon enough. Everyone's just kind of surprised right now. "Why did you get engaged so young" - well, why not? =P I know he's the one I want to be with.

drawnhearts

We just recently got engaged - I'm 21 and he's 23. I'll be 23, and he'll be 25 when we're married. I have much support from my family, but they all said "don't get married until after you're done with school!". That makes much sense, and I was planning on doing that anyway - I graduate next Spring, so having our wedding in Summer '12 will give us a whole year to plan.

I get some comments about the age, but it's from random people so I don't let it get to me. They don't know our situation (a very positive one at that), so it's none of their business. I'm just curious as to what my friends and classmates will say when I go back to college next week, haha.

aleighk1

I'm 19 and FI is 22, we just got engaged a month ago. Although I'd like to get married next year, I want to wait until I turn 21 so I can drink at my own wedding haha. FI will be 24. My family thinks I'm crazy for wanting to wait two years.

kristinrotondo

I planned on waiting until I was done school to get married. Then I gave up on that, because we have a ten-month-old, and I am ready now. The other day, I realized I'll be done my Master's program a month and a half before the wedding! I didn't realize I'd be done so soon, but it looks like my plan worked out after all!

As for the "you're too young!" I say - they're too crazy! We know when we're ready.

Manwaithiel

We got engaged right after I tuned 20. We were already talking about it when I was 19. I'll be 21 (days away from 22) and he'll be 24 when we get married. Obviously he's a few years older and as we're both very mature for our ages (or so we're told) most people haven't said anything. My dad of course hemmed and hawed b/c he's set on me making of millions of dollars before marriage, but I don't see why that can't happen with FH.

jaynechelsea

well we are both nineteen and we will be gettign married shortly after our 22 birthdays. i havent gotten anything like that yet. I have been engaged once before and when i told my mother she wasnt thrilled but she supported me. I think that because my mom was married at sixteen she is a bit more understanding to what she had to hear and stuff

llmw07

I was engaged when I was 20 and will be getting married when I am 22.  FI was 22 and will be 24 when we get married.  We have been together for 5 years so neither of our families really questioned it or pressured us not to get married. 

I do get those comments asking us why we are engaged but many of those concerns are from ppl on my summer softball teams that don't know me too well.  After I tell them I have been dating the guy for five years...they are like ooo..ok that makes sense....

bpagevanderburg

I'm 19. It's odd, because I don't get any odd remarks, and I almost feel like people forget that I'm only 19. He's already 24, and his family had been dropping the "So, when are you two getting married?" hints for a while. And my family and the other people we care about have been nothing but supportive.

I think it's probably because we've been together for 2.5 years now, which is apparently (according to our families) is the appropriate about of time to be together before everyone expects a wedding.

callalily13

My fiance and I got engaged at 21. We had been dating for over 5 years when we got engaged. I ended up going away to college and everyone figured that we would break up and now nearly six years into our relationship, we have dealt with being long distance, him getting sick and nearly dying, and many other things all coming out the other end. Especially after he got sick, people began taking our relationship seriously and understanding like we did that little things (which usually ruin young relationships--sorry but its true) wont kill us if the big things cant.

Miremberebecca

I'm currently 19 and will turn 20 the month of the wedding. I've had several people ask me to my face if I am pregnant (which I find highlarious because my fiance and I are both still virgins and are saving our first time for our wedding night). The other day on my first day in my ceramics class, a woman that I just met asked me why I am bothering getting married if I'm just going to end up divorced in a few months. I also have a coworker who refuses to refer to my future husband as my fiance and will only call him my boyfriend.  It sucks. People are extremely rude and judgemental. It's funny though. We've been together for almost four years now and I know that we are more ready for marriage than many older engaged couples that I know. Don't let people discourage you. If you're ready, you're ready. My mother and father were married at 19 and have been together for over 25 years now. My grandparents were also married at 19 and are going on almost 50 years together.

brilibby4

When we get married we will be 22 and 23. However, we both live together and are completely financially independent.  We will have graduated college and had a year of full time working before our wedding.

JSummer

We haven't set a date yet so I'm not how old we will be. It depends on if we can afford to do it June of 2011 or have to wait until 2012..... But currently we are both 21. We are about to have a baby though. Everyone just assumes we will get married. Actually I have had a lot of people be really rude about the fact that we haven't gotten married yet because of the baby. Why do people just assume that baby=marriage?? We've been together for 2 years now already.

I had one lady tell me that I had no right to have a "big fancy church wedding" and that I need to just go to the court house now. Who says that to a hormonal preggo?? I wanted to cry!