Re: Young Love

celesteks99

Hello everyone, sorry i have not been on here.  To start off with, we are definetly not getting married for the sex. We are not that kind of couple;rather be spending quality time or going out somewhere. His parents are very negative towards the whole idea.  They are praying we brake up actuelly.  They believe were in it for the sex and that i am afraid he is going to leave me.  They believe that this is all my idea and it is only me who wants it (that im forcing him to get married to me?) Me and my fiance (Andrew) are getting threten by them now.  There saying they won't ever help us out with money, there not gonna co-sign for him on anything, that he has to pay back all the money they spent on him from the soccer; basically it is all bout money to them, although they say they are extremly religous.  They also think i just want to have wedding and plan a wedding/be a bride.  Me and Andrew have discussed how we would love to plan the wedding together and how the experience would be amazing but we always thought about having a really small wedding with just family and then having our vows renewed and have a larger wedding in the future.  My parents on the other hand, think we should wait but are very supportive and although they dont agree they still said they will support whatever decision we make.  The college part, we both like the same colleges, were very open and accepting with desicions like that.  i have not made a chioce of what i am goiing to do yet.  i will be gradueating highschool being a certified EKG technicion and also certified in phlebmoty and i am most likely gonna wait/debating on waiting going to college.  And please notice that the desicion is very up on the air, i honestly would like to take a break from school and just focus on work.  I am aware that people change but i believe two can change together, we have over the last 4 years. We went from being kids to teenagers and we believ we can change into adults together too. We have a very strong belief in god and have always been religous.  We go to church together every weekend and have been tlking to our preist bout the decision.  Going into the topic of getting in the same college, and if one doesnt get in, well we both have high gpa's and a lot of high qualifications so we know that will not be a problem.   The financial part is the only part we are iffy about but me leaving highschool certified i believe i will be able to make more money then useal, along with 6,000$ dollars i get when i gradueate/turn 18.  The main confusion we have right now is insurence issues and how that works. i have been contacting my moms insurence lady and going over all those rules how you get taken off when your independent, or the by the age 26, etc.  thanks guys for the comments and opinions, it is helping.  Give me some more opinions now that you guys know our cirumstances? Appreciate it greatly! We do not know for sure what we are doing yet, other peoples input helps alot. thanks!

becky659

I feel bad saying this, but...
Why are you getting married?  You are SO young and have experienced so little of life. 
You both obviously have no financial stability (you're worried about getting [monetarily] cut off, but that is absolutely a fact of being married, because being married = being an adult) and no set plan for how you will handle the hardships you’re taking on…. and I don’t think you realize exactly how hard it will be with no money, no plan, little parental support, no college, a terrible job market, high costs of living, no concept of what it’s like to live alone and manage your own household.

I kind of understand when somebody younger gets married to somebody older who is already set up in life (there are several successful marriages in my family that follow that model), but two people right out of high school? This might be a good time to listen to your parents.

My opinion? Just WAIT.  A few years, at least.  There is NO reason to be married at such a young age when even a couple years can radically change the outcome of your marriage. 

And just an FYI, if you are both very religious and your religion frowns upon divorce, you might get stuck in a terrible marriage simply because you couldn’t wait until you knew yourself and your FI better as an adult to get married

KatieLise1

I agree with PP. Why can't you just wait a few years? It doesn't mean that you won't end up getting married eventually (FI and I have been together since we were in highschool) but you never know, things might change. Being financially independent is hard, especially before you go to college and when you're in college, even if one of you is working full time. 

In the end it is your decision, but my advice is wait until you can afford the wedding and to live on your own.

I hope everything works out for you two either way

BunnyChii

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukJp87bRQGg&feature=my_liked_videos&list=LLKHiTIIWZIhuKvBtqiU71hw

I feel like this pretty much covers everything.

MMRoberts11

I agree with PP, I'd wait to get married.  People change in college so I'd wait until after at least a year or two in college.  

I think part of being married is being financially independent from other beyond yourself and your FI.  It sounds like you still are dependent on others in life for a lot of things.

Chloeagh

If it's not about sex, his parents disapprove and will cut you off, and you are worried about being financially independent, then I see no reason for you to get married. Yes, people can change together; FI and I are living proof of that (although we're only 20 and will probably change more before our wedding day). But not all people do and a lot of changing happens after high school graduation.

My opinion is that you should wait at least a couple years. If you aren't getting married to have sex, then that excuse is thrown out the window. What you have left is wanting to spend time and your life together because you love each other. You can still spend time and grow and change together without getting married. You will still love each other in a few years. You don't want the stress of adapting to life after high school coupled with the stress of a new marriage coupled with the stress of family disapproval coupled with the stress of being financially independant for the first time.

As PPs have said here and in other threads, there's no harm in waiting, but there could be harm in not. If you will love each other forever, you will still love each other forever in a few years.

Crissy949

I know you dont want to here this but i agree with all PP

Let me start off by saying i do belive young love is possible and you can marry your highschool sweetheart but the truth is marriage isnt solely based on love

Soo you dont want to go to college..ok...but when you do get a job with your current qualifications how will you progress in the company?

Soo youve never lived together? How do you know you can live with him? no matter how long youve been together, its hard to know all aspects of a person without living with them.

Have you ever had another relationship? how do you know hes really "the one"if you know nothing else?

You cant depend on your parents. You will need stable jobs and a place to live. Youll have bills like rent,electricity, heat, phones,cable etc...

Do you even have cars?are they in your name? How will you pay for insurance,gas, payments?

Do you know what eachother wants out of life? Children?do you want to travel? does he?Where do you both see youselves in 10 years?

My advice?

Please wait, at least until youre financially independent, and have either been in college or on your own for a few years. Your going to change alot and you may change together but please try to get to know yourself first before you make this big descion.

WeatherGirl2013AHK

I seriously agree with the PP also. I believe you guys are in love but you also expressed that you MIGHT be pushing him into marrying you. When your fiance pops the question, all of those doubts should disappear. You should talk to him about this.

As for the college issue: I am graduating from college in one week and it is such an amazing experience to be accomplished with something. College DOES change you and it makes you mature and allows you expeirence some great things in life. You will be working for the rest of your life, go to college its a blast!

 I think it is very wise to talk to your priest and perhaps you should do premarital pastor care, my fiance and I just finished it and it was a great way to open up communication barriers and to make sure we were on a level playing ground.

 You are still in high school and you have the rest of your 90 years to live with this man of your dreams, 2-4 years to go to college will not change anything but can give you a chance to have fun with each other, make new friends, and expierence something great together. Also it is very different living with someone that you are not related to, college has taught me that and I think that is one of the things people enjoy in college. You really learn a lot about people. Please keep up posted and God's Blessings! 

If youre still Romeo and Juliet and want to still get married right away have a longer engagement and prove to your family that you can handle all of the issues that arise in the engagement process, like paying for things, finding jobs, and being together for a long amount of time. Good luck!

dragontrainer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_re-young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:b18791e3-8253-43f3-bd1e-5b26103a2a8bPost:cc89f7a3-b772-4bef-b916-10ddfc09c62f">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]I know you dont want to here this but i agree with all PP Let me start off by saying i do belive young love is possible and you can marry your highschool sweetheart but the truth is marriage isnt solely based on love Soo you dont want to go to college..ok...but when you do get a job with your current qualifications how will you progress in the company? Soo youve never lived together? How do you know you can live with him? no matter how long youve been together, its hard to know all aspects of a person without living with them. Have you ever had another relationship? how do you know hes really "the one"if you know nothing else? You cant depend on your parents. You will need stable jobs and a place to live. Youll have bills like rent,electricity, heat, phones,cable etc... Do you even have cars?are they in your name? How will you pay for insurance,gas, payments? Do you know what eachother wants out of life? Children?do you want to travel? does he?Where do you both see youselves in 10 years? My advice? Please wait, at least until youre financially independent, and have either been in college or on your own for a few years. Your going to change alot and you may change together but please try to get to know yourself first before you make this big descion.
Posted by Crissy949[/QUOTE]

THIS!

Married = Adult.

Also, next time you post use paragraphs. It is easier to read....and spell check would be great too. I have a very dyslexic sister, so I was able to read through the many spelling errors.

Annas2013

Coming from someone who's actually getting married young, please wait.  If you're worried about getting cut off financially, there's a huge issue.  I will be financially independent from my parents after graduating college whether I'm married or not, so getting married right after isn't a huge deal for me.  But you guys aren't even in college.  I know college isn't for everyone, but if you are just out of high school you're still really young.  

Young love can work, don't let people tell you it cant'.  But you guys really seem to be rushing it.  Go either to college or live on your own and work for a year or two (or more).  I've changed in college more than I ever thought I would.  Most people do.  You can grow together if you work at it.  Or you could realize if he's not the one.  I went into college with the whole "I'm going to graduate and marry this guy".  We both changed.  It gave me a chance to learn how to find the right guy, and now I have.    

Also as non-romantic as it sounds, love is not the only reason for marriage.  There's a lot more to marriage than just "I love you".  It's hard, and it's something you both have to be willing to work on every single day, whether you're happy with each other or mad or whatever.  If you aren't getting married for sex, then waiting a year or two more for sex won't make a difference.

Bay21

I know a woman who met this guy in sophomore year of high school, they dated through high school and have been during college, just last friday got engaged. They did find their one in high school but they choose to wait, not for faith, not for any other reason than the fact that it was the. right. thing. to. do. They knew they loved each other, and that on the otherside of college when they were ready to financially independent, they would still love each other.

The point that I hope is obvious with that story is: Waiting just works. The questions that Crissy949 has posted are ones that you need to be able to answer, and if you can't, well, again, waiting will answer them either way. 

Love is wonderful and amazing and can see you through tough times but it sure as hell won't pay the bills. 

Please go home and re-think your life, and this idea of getting married with your bf before the two of you leap into something that you may regret.  

These are probably not the replies you want, but they are what you need to hear, I hope you listen. 

calliopeia2013

Look, PPs have said it all already, but really, just think about it this way.  There are a bazillion reasons to wait that have already been articulated, both by PP and by you.  In that entire post, and in your original one, you didn't articulate a single reason for rushing into the marriage.

Honestly, I also think your attitude towards sex is a big red flag (frankly, the idea that having sex within marriage isn't "quality time" is either really immature or really offensive, I'm not sure which) - it's fine to wait if that's your religion/belief, but if you think that a healthy sex life isn't important to a healthy marriage, you are really setting up for failure.  I do think it's good that you're not rushing into marriage because you want to have sex...but then that brings me back to the question above, why ARE you rushing into marriage?

Bay21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_re-young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:b18791e3-8253-43f3-bd1e-5b26103a2a8bPost:4b974e1a-e0ed-400a-98eb-1d54055b7dca">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, PPs have said it all already, but really, just think about it this way.  There are a bazillion reasons to wait that have already been articulated, both by PP and by you.  In that entire post, and in your original one, you didn't articulate a single reason for rushing into the marriage. Honestly, I also think your attitude towards sex is a big red flag (frankly, the idea that having sex within marriage isn't "quality time" is either really immature or really offensive, I'm not sure which) - it's fine to wait if that's your religion/belief, but if you think that a healthy sex life isn't important to a healthy marriage, you are really setting up for failure.  I do think it's good that you're not rushing into marriage because you want to have sex...but then that brings me back to the question above, why ARE you rushing into marriage?
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]

<div>This! I really didn't want to go there but I couldn't agree more: the fact that she's sort of obsessed  over emphasizing sex makes it a huge red flag.Thank you for saying it, you've said it better than I could.</div>

Annas2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_re-young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:b18791e3-8253-43f3-bd1e-5b26103a2a8bPost:4b974e1a-e0ed-400a-98eb-1d54055b7dca">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, PPs have said it all already, but really, just think about it this way.  There are a bazillion reasons to wait that have already been articulated, both by PP and by you.  In that entire post, and in your original one, you didn't articulate a single reason for rushing into the marriage. Honestly, I also think your attitude towards sex is a big red flag (frankly, the idea that having sex within marriage isn't "quality time" is either really immature or really offensive, I'm not sure which) - it's fine to wait if that's your religion/belief, but if you think that a healthy sex life isn't important to a healthy marriage, you are really setting up for failure.  I do think it's good that you're not rushing into marriage because you want to have sex...but then that brings me back to the question above, why ARE you rushing into marriage?
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You made a very good point there.  Sex is part of marriage.  It's healthy and a bigger part of the relationship than the OP seems to realize.

</div>

JaniV123

Please wait. Go to college and enjoy it. I have been with my FI since high school and we (especially me) have changed SO much. We have been through so much sh!t i cant begin to explain. And let me tell you sex is a HUGE part of a relationship and a marriage. Please listen to all the thing the PP have said. If you love each other just have a long engagement, and go through the next few years together.

snuff9861

Take it from someone who found "the one" in highschool. Yes it can happen, but like everyone else said, please WAIT.

If you're meant to be you will be in 2 or 3 years. We both changed over the years. I went to university and had to learn to handle my own money, live on my own and learn to be an adult. When we moved in together there was a lot of kinks to work out. Please get some life experience before tying yourself down.

FI and I actually broke up for about 6 months a couple of years ago because I wanted to travel and he didnt, so I left him and the country. When I came home we realized we wanted to be together and so were were. 18 Months later we were engaged and will be getting married 2 weeks after our 8 year anniversary.

We did not rush into anything, we waited until we were somewhat financially stable. I've gone back to school and we still make it work on 1.5 salary. It takes planning and work. We have lived together for 6 years, and yet we still argue about household things. Relationships take work, and at 18 I don't know that you have the skills to plan and realize how much work a marriage is.

calliopeia2013

Since several people have commented to agree with my post about the OP's attitude towards sex above, I do just want to say one more thing for the OP's benefit.

It is absolutely 100% okay to not be ready to have sex at age 17.*  If you think about having sex as something where "you're not that kind of couple," or, as I said, something that's distinct from "quality time," you're not really mature enough to have sex, and that is absolutely fine when you're 17.  The thing is, if you're not ready to have sex, you are not ready for marriage.  Marriage is, almost by definition, about sex.  Don't get me wrong; it's about a lot of other things too.  But historically and still today, it's about sex (both in the context of having children and in the context of pledging sexual monogamy to someone else) as much, if not more, than it is about any one other thing. 


*It is also 100% okay to be ready to have sex at age 17.

WeatherGirl2013AHK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_re-young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:b18791e3-8253-43f3-bd1e-5b26103a2a8bPost:f724bff9-679e-4a62-aabf-ef083601c5b8">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Since several people have commented to agree with my post about the OP's attitude towards sex above, I do just want to say one more thing for the OP's benefit. It is absolutely 100% okay to not be ready to have sex at age 17.*  If you think about having sex as something where "you're not that kind of couple," or, as I said, something that's distinct from "quality time," you're not really mature enough to have sex, and that is absolutely fine when you're 17.  The thing is, if you're not ready to have sex, you are not ready for marriage.  Marriage is, almost by definition, about sex.  Don't get me wrong; it's about a lot of other things too.  But historically and still today, it's about sex (both in the context of having children and in the context of pledging sexual monogamy to someone else) as much, if not more, than it is about any one other thing.  *It is also 100% okay to be ready to have sex at age 17.
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>I completely agree

</div>

Chloeagh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_re-young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:b18791e3-8253-43f3-bd1e-5b26103a2a8bPost:f724bff9-679e-4a62-aabf-ef083601c5b8">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Since several people have commented to agree with my post about the OP's attitude towards sex above, I do just want to say one more thing for the OP's benefit. It is absolutely 100% okay to not be ready to have sex at age 17.*  If you think about having sex as something where "you're not that kind of couple," or, as I said, something that's distinct from "quality time," you're not really mature enough to have sex, and that is absolutely fine when you're 17.  The thing is, if you're not ready to have sex, you are not ready for marriage.  Marriage is, almost by definition, about sex.  Don't get me wrong; it's about a lot of other things too.  But historically and still today, it's about sex (both in the context of having children and in the context of pledging sexual monogamy to someone else) as much, if not more, than it is about any one other thing.  *It is also 100% okay to be ready to have sex at age 17.
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]This is a very, very good, fantastic point. And I know I was certainly nowhere near ready for sex at OP's age.

ravenray

Op as someone waiting to have sex till marriage and being a high school sweet heart I have a few words for you.

Really waiting isn't that bad. I meet my FI in high school and I was in love.  I had the maturity of a 17 year old.  I knew I wanted to marry this guy but I wasn't ready at 17.  I wasn't ready at 18. I wasn't ready at 19.  But you know what I did?  I went to college, worked a 40 hour work week, learned how to be mature, grew in my faith, tried not to pressure my FI about marriage, living in Europe for 4 months, and learned a lot about myself and my FI. I am getting married in one month and I couldn't be happier.  But I am so glad we waited.  We wouldn't have lasted.  One of the main reasons we are getting married now is because we can afford to support ourselves.  Do you really want to be living in your parents’ house after you get married?  Or even worse his parents? NO.  So go to college together, my FI and I did.  It helped us grow together.  Get a job or a summer job if you can't juggle both school and work.  Learn how to manage money and live on your own.  But you need to wait.  High school is nothing like the real world.  The real world doesn't give you breaks and neither does marriage.  It's constant work all the time, every day, 24/7.  I know you love him but you need think about these things before you jump into something that at this age you have no business getting into.  Just some thoughts that I hope you will listen to.  GL

egeurts

People underestimate just how much a person (and relationship) can change during college. I've been with my FI since high school, and we're getting married a week after our seven year anniversary. But in that time- mostly during college- we've dealt with near homelessness where we had to move back into my parent's basement and lost all of our stuff, infidelity and trust issues, serious illness to the point where we thought I was going to die, we've done long distance relationship multiple times because even though we're both A students we didn't get in to the same school... the list goes on. Put yourself in each of those situations and think of how much it changes a person, and wonder, if you were STUCK in a marriage, would you want to be there? There were plenty of times we almost didn't make it. Luckily, we grew and changed together, and now are happier than ever. BUT, the years between 18- 25 are huge for growth. I don't know what I'd do without my FI (in fact, I wouldn't be alive, but that's a long story), but I know that we would probably hate each other if we had gotten married right out of high school instead of just engaged and waiting until now to get married.  

FaithCaitlin

Ditto the ladies..

Please wait. We aren't saying this to be mean but for your sake and benefit.

kellyt89

Please learn to spell correctly. There are so many spelling/grammar errors in this post that it makes me wonder how you have such a high GPA. 

I'm usually not snarky like this, but seriously.

kdm06c

I posted here a while back, and am mostly a lurker now but I wanted to share my personal experience with you.

I was 16 when I met my FI. A year and a half later I graduated high school and we made the decision to move out of state, get an apartment together, and for me to go to college. We wanted to live together for a while and then when I graduated we were going to get married. 

We have been together now for 7.5yrs (will be 8 in October) and we still aren't married even though I graduated almost a year ago and we have a son and are expecting aother boy in Aug. I am 24 and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and him with me,and while we do want to get married, we don't feel like we have to prove it to everyone by going ahead and getting married till the time is right for us.

My advice is to take it slow. Live together if you want, whatever, but don't rush into marriage. You are young and a lot of stuff can happen.

gatorrgirl

Without restating all the PP I will just ask, what is the dang rush?! Slow down and enjoy not only yourself but each other as well. I have been together with my fiance for over two years and won't be married for another year. Being in love and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone are two totally different things, especially at your age. People change drastically in college and those years are meant for finding out who YOU really are. Slow down and enjoy life!