what's in a name

TopSecret12

I am so unsure what to do about my last name when I get married.  I've had the same last name for 41 years and it is a real part of me, BUT I want to be mrs. hislastname.  I really do not want to hypen my name and have thought about using my maidenlastname as my middle name.  I think what's really hanging me up is that I just discovered that I don't change my name on the marriage license and that when we get married although the will pronounce us mr and mrs hislastname, legally I still have my maiden name and the change would only really be something to report to ss, dmv, the bank etc... so I dont know why I can't use my last name on ss, dmv and other documents but socially go by mrs. hislastname.  any ideas, opinions or just want to add your .02 cents.

Lisa50

Okay, I'll jump in late on this one ... my experience is that, socially, there will always be people who assume your last name is HIS last name, whether you change it legally or not.  So, I guess the real question is ... What do you want people to call you?  Let them know and, luckily for you (since it seems you really want to be Mrs. HisLastName), most people will abide by your wishes.

I did not change my last name the first time I married, nor did I change it this time around.  My son's last name (ex hubby's last name) has, by default, become my last name to all of his friends and many of his teachers.  That's fine.  My new hubby's family sends mail to us with his last name.  Whatever.  He has not corrected them, neither have I.  They should start to figure it out if they notice the names on return address labels on the Christmas cards.

None of my friends, however, would ever refer to me by any last name other than the original.

Go with what you feel passionate about.  Based on what I've read, it seems you are (or were) on the fence.  And remember, there is no expiration date on when you can change legally your name to his ... if that's what you decide to do. 

retz62

I do not want to give up my name   It's a cool name, and my father has been dead for a very long time, and it's sometimes my only connection to him.. but I am getting married, and my fiance really wants me to take his name... so I'm going to do that.  My fiance doesn't ask for much, and when his heart is really into something, I can tell.  He wants us to be Mr. and Mrs x... and that's what we're going to be... the first of many sacrifices I'm sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonder28

I can totally understand this! When I got married the first time, I HATED giving upo my last name, but being a daddy's girl, when dad said that's what I should do, I did. When we seperated 9 years later, I changed my name back quicker than quick. Now I am about to walk down the aisle again and am faced with the same thing. Not too mention that my son, who'c 14 has told me that when he turns 18, he wants to take my maiden last name as his last name (he really does not like his father). If I change my last name and then later my son changes his, we STILL won't have the same last name, lol I have thought of just merging it into a second middle name though. I really love my last name. At least either way, both me and my fiance have the same first letter, so my monogram won';t change, lol

shannonisms

I don't see any reason why you can't keep your name and just answer to his last name socially, if that's what you'd prefer. I'm in Human Resources and it doesn't create that much of a problem. It's really no different than having a nickname, or going by your middle name. You may have to explain it every now and then but with so many people keeping their names, divorces, etc. it's really becoming a non-issue.

I changed my name with my first marriage and while I was excited to I wasn't ready for the sense of loss I felt when it was finally changed legally. I waited almost a year after the divorce was final to finally change it back. I had built a career with my married name and I wanted to make sure I was solid with how I felt about the impact on that too. Once I changed my name back I immediately felt liberated - I finally felt like myself again. I realized then that my birth name held a strong sense of identity to me and I felt it was something worth paying attention to. I didn't lose myself in my marriage or become another person but when it came to my name, I felt like I had.
 
Now I'm once again facing this decision and I'm thankful my FI is supportive and understanding of my feelings about this. His mom remarried and kept her maiden name and his dad's wife kept her children's last name so it wouldn't be strange. My family no doubt will disagree but then again it's not their decision. I do want to be Mrs. FIsLastName but I think I'll keep my name legally for a while at least - until I am ready to do differently.

I think you have to do what feels best for you. It's my opinion that the tradition is outdated and as wives are no longer considered the "property" of our husbands, nor are we reliant on them for survival or status, it's entirely up to you. Of course your FI should have an opinion as well but if he's marrying you for the right reasons it shouldn't be about the name. If it is, he should be just as willing to take yours.

Best!