Inviting a potential problem guest...

Eliz77

This is the only disagreement FI and I have really had during the wedding planning (I mean aside from silly stuff, like wedding toppers!). I have an aunt and cousins who are known for causing drama at family events. I already have said my aunt will be invited, and that I will not be inviting her son, who has done some really bad stuff (stole money and jewelry from my parents while they attended a funeral, got arrested for swinging at a cop at another cousin's wedding). I'm unsure what to do about her daughter. She sent me a message on FB this morning asking when the wedding is and how she can't wait to come. Personally, I am concerned inviting her will open up the potential for drama, but I feel I should invite her. I do not want her fiance there though. He is a disaster. I presume it is bad ettiquette to invite her without him. I was wondering if I invited my Aunt and +1, then letting her decide whether to bring my cousin, if that would be ok. 
The dilemma is FI is adamant I not invite cousin and wants Aunt's invite to only be addressed to her. My parents who are paying for the wedding says it's up to me, that I should at least invite the Aunt. I know I am opening myself up to hurt feelings regardless of what I do-and to add to it, there are five girl cousins, and she is the only one not in my WP, so I'm sure it will be hurtful either way.
I do love my cousin and constantly worry about her-she's a mom of two, lost both to foster care recenlty, no job, in and out of drug rhab, asks me for money all the time. But she's still family. Ugh. Kinda hoping they both move out of state soon as they have been planning and that pretty much takes care of the issue.
WWYD???

BeachLover2885

This is tough... I think your cousin would be upset if you invited her without her fiance. Imagine if this situation was reversed.. I know I would be really hurt if my cousin didn't invite my FI to her wedding.  How bad is the fiance? Do you think you would even notice him there? Does your aunt like your cousin's fiance? Are you close with her? Maybe you can talk to her about the siutation? I guess the best scenario for you would be inviting your aunt with a plus one and she brought your cousin. I'm just thinking that I would personally be hurt if I were your cousin. I would want my own invitation, etc. 

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_inviting-a-potential-problem-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f0b54469-72e0-4016-9608-6c989181c9a2Post:e92ae0a6-8b82-4db1-b2a5-ef9dc5550410">Inviting a potential problem guest...</a>:
[QUOTE]This is the only disagreement FI and I have really had during the wedding planning (I mean aside from silly stuff, like wedding toppers!). I have an aunt and cousins who are known for causing drama at family events. I already have said my aunt will be invited, and that I will not be inviting her son, who has done some really bad stuff (stole money and jewelry from my parents while they attended a funeral, got arrested for swinging at a cop at another cousin's wedding). I'm unsure what to do about her daughter.  She sent me a message on FB this morning asking when the wedding is and how she can't wait to come.  Personally, I am concerned inviting her will open up the potential for drama, but I feel I should invite her. I do not want her fiance there though. He is a disaster. <strong>I presume it is bad ettiquette to invite her without him.</strong> I was wondering if I invited my Aunt and +1, then letting her decide whether to bring my cousin, if that would be ok.  The dilemma is FI is adamant I not invite cousin and wants Aunt's invite to only be addressed to her. My parents who are paying for the wedding says it's up to me, that I should at least invite the Aunt. I know I am opening myself up to hurt feelings regardless of what I do-and to add to it, there are five girl cousins, and she is the only one not in my WP, so I'm sure it will be hurtful either way. I do love my cousin and constantly worry about her-she's a mom of two, lost both to foster care recenlty, no job, in and out of drug rhab, asks me for money all the time. But she's still family. Ugh. Kinda hoping they both move out of state soon as they have been planning and that pretty much takes care of the issue. WWYD???
Posted by Eliz77[/QUOTE]
Yes, you're correct. You shouldn't invite the cousin without her fiance. Unless he's a threat to guests (or some other extenuating circumstance) he has to be invited if you invite cousin. You can invite aunt with a +1 and hope that she will use her +1 on cousin, but there is no guarentee that plan will work. What if your aunt chooses to bring someone else? Or just RSVP 1? And honestly, I think it would be tacky to tell them what you're thinking because clearly, you've gone out of your way and thought long and hard how not to include cousin's FI. Know what I mean?

Would you rather leave cousin out or invite cousin and her FI? FWIW, I'd just invite cousin and her FI. I'd rather not cause hurt feelings and I wouldn't really notice her FI there too much. You can be coridial when you see him and just spend the majority of your time with all your other guests.

Eliz77

My Aunt has a restraining order against the FI, or so she claims. Which may be my only saving grace here, if it is true. That whole family has serious issues, I have no idea what is true or not. My Aunt also has had a lot of drama/family feuds, and is pretty much the "black sheep" of the family.

My cousin is very used to her FI not being included in family functions. I'm not talking just little,"Oh we don't like him because he's not worthy." I'm talking in and out of jails, fights, drug use, etc. They've been together for 10 years and I think I've seen him drop her off/pick her up at a couple family functions, but have never had a conversation with him except for one time he called me to ask for money. 

I just feel there is no way to handle this situation without hurting/offending someone. Of course if the situation were reversed, I'd expect FI to be invited. But then again, it's far from the same situation.

mbody

Yes, the restraining order can help you here, if there is one.

Do you consider cousin's FI a threat to guests? If so, then I think you're well within your rights not to invite him. It would be unfair to your other family and friends to invite someone who you think can potentially hurt them.

butterflyjumper1

I have a cousin who sounds REALLY similar to your cousin....his claim to fame is rifling through his grandmother's jewelry box during family events and stealing from her (his grandma is my great aunt who I am very close with). it's so sad! He is the only cousin I am NOT inviting to my wedding, and I am not worrying about it because I would honestly be worried about him stealing from guests or getting in a fight or bringing in drugs. If someone is seriously a threat to other guests, I think that rules of etiquette do not apply to them.   

Eliz77

^^^That's why I won't be inviting the son. His presence has directly affected family members in negative ways as well as disrupting events. The daughter has issues and her choices have hurt her and her sons, but she hasn't caused harm to other family members. I do think she has "sticky fingers" and wouldn't trust her in my home. As a matter of fact, I ordered one non-addressed envelope for my Aunt in which I will put my parents' address on (my mom suggested we do this). I prefer she and her kids not know where I live. My Aunt has also caused harm and no one trusts her, but I think everyone expects her to be there and is OK with it. Going to make seating arrangements a...fun...task.

I was told the FI was recently in jail due to violation of the restraining order, but also was told Aunt had dropped the RO. No idea which (or either) is true.

bridetobe71412

You're right that this is a tough situation.

If I were in your situation, I would invite Aunt +1. Feelings are going to be hurt either way, and I know you care for your cousin, but the TRO may be able to save you (as PP said). TROs have to be affirmatively dropped, rather than just the person for whom they were ordered saying "nah, it's cool now". This is a court thing. So, if you are unsure whether it's been actually dropped, I would err on the side of not inviting the fiance or the cousin, because both need to be invited together. If your cousin is upset about it, just say you weren't sure what the TRO situation was and hopefully she'll understand.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help!

Eliz77

You actually HAVE been very helpful. That is exactly what I will do and I will fill my mom in so when her sister calls her, she can explain my reasoning. Thanks all! I actually feel better about how I have to handle this.

BeachLover2885

After reading all of this I wouldn't even worry about not inviting the cousin's FI! I think there are times when etiquette can be forgotten and this is definitely one of them. I'm sure your cousin would understand the problems it would cause, especially if she's had so many problems between him and her own mother. GL!!

Melissa.hylton

I would speak with your aunt. Give her a heads up and tell her your concerns. Maybe she can actually give you advice since its HER kids. 

We are kinda in the same situation. My FMIL brothers and my FMIL are in a dispute and have been since before FI and I started dating. Along the lines of their fathers trusts after he passed away. His mother didnt feel comfortable inviting them but said it was up to us. I told FI we can just invite them and if they dont come they dont come. BUT my family is all in law enforcement and corrections so I know there wont be any problems. We have already discussed with my aunts and uncles who would possibly be trouble. I feel like people would and should be on their best behavior considering its a wedding.