What to do?! Kind of long...

jessevans

Hey everyone!

I have a serious issue on my hands.  I got engaged last June and immediately asked my girls to be maids.  Everyone seemed excited, and we've had a party or two to celebrate the wedding.  A few months ago, I gathered everyone to go get their dresses.  One of my maids couldn't come, saying she and her hubby had an obligation.  Ok, no biggie... I didn't mind too much.  That was in January.  I've been asking her repeatedly when she's going to get her dress (we're getting down to the wire and I really need to make sure she has it.) 
Well.
This morning I got an email (a freaking email!!) saying that she just has too much going on in her life right now to be a bridesmaid for my wedding.  Seriously?!  I'm stunned, hurt and confused... I thought she was a good friend and I can't believe she didn't even having the hutspa to call me.  Now I don't know what to do.

On one hand, I don't even want to invite her to the wedding (or the bridal showers, bachelorette party, etc)  I feel like she led me on with her false acceptance of being in the wedding.  On the other hand, I guess she does have a lot going on right now, and I'm unsure of how to handle the whole situation. 

So what to do? 
Also, now I'm short one girl in the bridal party.  Should I just ask another of my friends to 'fill in' for her?  Or have my FI delegate one of the groomsmen as an usher?  OMG!  So confused

TIA ladies, and thanks for reading this. 

Brit12

First, it does suck she waited this long to tell you AND couldn't even have the decency to call, so for that I understand why you're angry.

However not inviting her to showers/ wedding/ bach party ect may be a bit much. Invite her, and if she doesn't come to anything at all, then maybe I would start to think about having a discussion with her regarding your friendship in general.

As for your wedding party - they don't have to be even, and in fact more and more brides are having uneven wedding parties these days. No one is going to bat an eye, half probably won't even really notice. Either have the 2 groomsmen walk the recessional with one maid, or have a groomsmen walk himself.

Unless you have someone in the wings begging you to be in your wedding, I would just keep it as is. You run the risk of insulting someone you ask because they'll be the "back up plan" and weren't considered the first time around. Plus, as you said it's getting down to the wire and it would be a big inconvenience to suddenly have to plan on getting a dress ASAP, plus coming up with the funds to contribute to all the showers and parties.

Stackeye210

I would not recomment asking a GM to step down to usher, or asking another girl to "fill in" as BM.  I think that's rude.  Just have uneven sides, it's not that big of a deal. 

It's very sad that she can't be in your wedding, and yes she could have called.  But the fact remains that she was close enough to you to ask to be IN the wedding, the fact that just because she isn't in the wedding means you don't want to invite her at all now, well that seems pretty harsh. 

If you don't invite her, you'll have to assume the friendship is totally over (or at least that it will be).  Is that what you ultimately want?  If not, just accept hte fact that she really can't be in the wedding for legitimate reasons and include her in all wedding events.

I had a BM drop out (via text) for financial reasons.  I took it in stride, still listed her as a BM in the program, because to me, I still thought of her as that close of a friend and wanted her to have the recognition even though she couldn't afford to stand up there with me. 

nnoble4

I would suggest asking another to be a BM if you have someone in mind that is close to you (maybe more than she was a year ago when you originally asked), that you weren't asking because of the numbers.  Otherwise, have an uneven number.  You don't want to ask someone for the sake of having even numbers (unless you are really obsessed with the evenness) 

It is becoming more common for uneven sides, and if you worry about one man walking without someone, you could always have each person walk alone.  

Alko726

I'd just keep the uneven numbers.  No one will notice or mind, and it's better than asking someone to take a step down as a GM or asking for a "fill in " as a BM.  I know girls that felt obligated to say yes but then mention that they felt like a last minute replacement.  I'd just avoid that all together.  Our sides are uneven and one guy is just walking two girls down the aisle on each arm.  

DanielleD7782

I feel your pain...I had a BM drop out over an email as well. It took me some time to realize this myself, but your wedding is apparently not her priority. Really sucks, but you don't want a "friend" like that to stand up with you anyways. Please don't ask anyone else to "fill in"...it will only make someone else feel like a B Lister.

My friend claimed financial reasons for dropping out, I offered to pay, she declined. She then went to Vegas...she is still invited to all my wedding events, but who knows if she will even show up. We've pretty much stopped talking. Don't let this ruin a friendship like mine has!

BrittBritt22

I agree, keep the numbers uneven.  Nobody wants to be a second string BM.

E-mail is a reall crappy way to give you that news.  Maybe she really does have a lot going on though and was too emotional to tell you about it on the phone?  Maybe?

jessevans

Thanks everyone for all of the support and great advice.

I think it's going to take some time for everything to really sink in about this situation.  I feel like I don't want to be friends with someone who's going to back out on one of the most important days of my life.  I also don't see the reason to extend an invitation to her for the bach party or the wedding.  But maybe that will change with time.
I know she has a lot going on right now - nursing school, two small kids and a hubby to please... but it just irks me that she waited SO long to break the news.  I haven't responded to her email, and I don't know if I'm going to!
But at least I'm not the only one who's experienced something like this. 

I talked with my FI, FMIL and MOH and everyone agrees that we should keep the numbers uneven.  It's not that big of a deal like everyone's been saying, and it might make one special BM feel super lucky to have two GM on her arms!   

Thanks again ladies for listening (or reading!!) and offering such great insight.  I'll keep everyone posted with the news!