So what do we think about this?

matuofm

I'm curious what you guys think of this situation.  Maybe I'm judgmental AND etiquette-impaired.  Lemme have it. 

DH and I got married in September.  His twin brother got married a month before that.  Their older brother was a groomsman in BOTH their weddings. 

The older brother (OBIL) is getting married next year.  Right before DH and I got married in September (actually, at his bachelor party), OBIL told DH that neither he nor his twin will be one of OBIL's groomsmen.  His statement is that it sucks to be separated from your significant other during the wedding (because the brothers would have to be up at the head table), and he doesn't want that for them.  So instead, he's going to have his brothers be ushers.

There is a certain logic to this because we had just experienced BIL and SIL's wedding, and HAD been separated, and it HAD sucked hardcore.  In my opinion.  However...if you're so concerned about separating people, it seems that you could have a sweetheart table or some other situation, rather than NOT having your brothers in the wedding party.  In addition, it seems to work against what you claim your reasoning is since you're willing to separate the people who ARE in your wedding party from THEIR significant others.

SIL and I talked about this at length and agree that we don't buy the story.  We think he'd just rather have his friends be in the party than his brothers but made this reasoning up in order to come off looking like he's doing them a favor.  Which we find manipulative/offensive.  I know that etiquette-wise, he's allowed to pick whatever wedding party he wants, but it still seems a little craphole to me that you stood up in BOTH your brothers' weddings within the previous year but don't put them in your party.   Especiall when it seems like it's going to be a fairly large party.  DH doesn't really care one way or the other, but BIL is apparently VERY hurt about the situation.

Then there's the "usher" part.  This part DH DOES have a problem with.  All four of us (me, DH, BIL and SIL) feel that asking his brothers to be ushers is kind of offensive.  Like "all the work of being a groomsman, but none of the honor."  Besides that, it means we WILL be separated from them, at least for the period of time while they're taking OBIL's guests to their seats so that his chosen groomsmen don't have to lift a finger.

Okay, so that last bit sounded a little bitter.  Reeling it back in.

Basically, DH really doesn't want to be an usher.  He doesn't want to have to pay to rent a tux for the privilege of working at this wedding.  How would you feel about this?  (If you were in this position, or your FI/DH was?)  Would you just do it?  Would you decline the ushering position?  Do you think it's crappy not to have your brothers in your party in this situation?

emarston1

I do think it's shiity that he didn't ask his brothers to be groomsmen.  Other than this, are they generally pretty close?  Are there any issues between OBIL, BIL, and your DH that could possibly explain his decision?  How did the best man situaiton play out between your guys' weddings?  Was he left out of being BM so he felt slighted?

If I were your DH, I would probably suck it up and be an usher as to not cause any more drama within the family.  How does BIL feel about being an usher?

But I don't get why the ushers have to be in tuxes.  We had two ushers (DH's cousins) and they just wore suits, no need to have them in tuxes IMO.

Allycat11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_think-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:304ff3ac-69fe-4e5e-9f1c-ce9dcb168222Post:7a01ebe6-6570-44ac-a65b-157941bbafdb">Re: So what do we think about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I do think it's shiity that he didn't ask his brothers to be groomsmen.  Other than this, are they generally pretty close?  Are there any issues between OBIL, BIL, and your DH that could possibly explain his decision?  How did the best man situaiton play out between your guys' weddings?  Was he left out of being BM so he felt slighted? If I were your DH, I would probably suck it up and be an usher as to not cause any more drama within the family.  How does BIL feel about being an usher? <strong>But I don't get why the ushers have to be in tuxes.  We had two ushers (DH's cousins) and they just wore suits, no need to have them in tuxes IMO.
</strong>Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]

This part 100%.  I think it is ridiculous for an usher to rent a tux.  We didn't have ushers.  The men who are closest to us were in the wedding party and the rest got to attend as guests.

I think BIL is just making excuses when really he doesn't want them in the wedding for some other reason, what that is, I have no idea.  I don't think it would hurt for DH to ask what is going on, but for the sake of the relationship it is probably best for him to suck it up and be an usher.

matuofm

I hadn't thought about it (I suppose because I've been to very few weddings as an adult), but I think the tux thing is pretty ridiculous also.  It certainly wasn't DH's idea - it was brought up as an expectation.  OBIL said something a few weeks ago about "Yeah, I went in for my tux fitting.  It's at X place.  Mine will look like a, and you guys's will look like b.  You have to order yours by x date." 

I'll admit that I'm also a little annoyed just because it doesn't sound like they were actually asked.  It was just like "yeah, you'll be doing this."  Which just rubs me the wrong way in general, and makes me feel even more like he's just putting them to work. 

As far as I know, there's no issues going on between them.  They're not an amazingly close family, but they're by no means estranged and never have any drama.  I honestly think it's probably just something like FSIL chose 6 bridesmaids, and told him he got 6 groomsmen, and he already had 6 friends he wanted to have take part, so he cut the brothers out of the picture so there'd be matching sides. 

He's a very nice and personable guy, but he's also sort of the issue-maker of the family (always some kind of legal trouble, several engagements before this one, always has some emergency need for money, etc.).  I think DH just doesn't expect considerate behavior from him any more, which is why he's not upset about this.  But it's all new to me, and I think it's crappy.  And last we spoke about it, SIL was nearly rabid over the situation, since BIL was so hurt about it. 

acaponi87

I think you're probably right about him just wanting his friends being GM over brothers, which is fine. But yeah, there's no way that I would make "ushers" rent tuxes. Your H should say no to that.

rcj2rcd

I'm not buying what he's selling on the whole separation thing. If he wanted his brothers to be GM, then he would have asked them and everyone would have dealt with being separated for a few hours. I don't understand why the ushers have to rent tuxes, mine just wore suits, but every wedding is different. Yes, it's sucky that he is picking his friends over family but this is one where you are the better person, rent the tux, be an usher, and then thoroughly utilize the open bar at the reception.

Sue-n-Kevin

Yes, it's sucky that he is picking his friends over family but this is one where you are the better person, rent the tux, be an usher, and then thoroughly utilize the open bar at the reception.

LOL........I'd say "abuse" the open bar, but utilize is much nicer.

I think with age comes wisdom. Your hubby's brother will probably wake up some day later in life and ask himself "How could I have been such an ass?". Based on your additional posts, he's probably a self-centered, immature child in an adult's body. He's made this clear apparently throughout his life as the family trouble maker. Your hubby's take on it is spot on: he should not (nor should you) expect anything else from this guy. People do change, but sometimes boorish behavior does not.

You say nothing about his fiance, so that part is still unclear.

I've never thought wedding party personnel are "tit for tat". However, when it comes to family, I have also felt that family should be considered over friends. In your situation, it sounds as though his immaturity (for whatever reasons) is making him choose his "friends". My guess is that his friends are more like him: party animals or immature types that he can get crazy with and don't judge him. This may not be true, but if it is, it says a lot more about your hubby and the other brother: they've grown up and don't fit into his picture of what groomsmen are.

My entire life I've been "Switzerland".........you know, the country that always stays neutral in wars. I don't gossip, I don't create or react to drama. I allow people to put their best (or worst) foot forward, and just go with the flow. It sounds as though you and your SIL need to adopt some sort of mind set that it is what it is, it's not going to get better, and try to move on. We all encounter situations in our lives that make us totally berserk or crazy. Except when it involves my kids, I ignore anything I cannot accept. Your silence does not hint at acceptance or agreement with the situation: it just says you are taking the high road and keeping your opinions to yourself. There are days I just want to SCREAM about something that is driving me crazy and I wish I could change. But then reality sets in and I realize I'm making a bigger deal out of in the entire picture of what's important.

I'll share my death bed theory with you (as my kids can attest to, it's one of my favorites): WILL THIS MATTER WHEN I'M ON MY DEATHBED? If the answer is "no", I move on.

Good luck with this.

entropicbeauty

Sounds like the groom is expecting his brothers to be ushers whether they want to or not...incredibly rude. I guess to avoid drama I'd suck it up and just not say anything, but I definitely call BS on it all.

Goodluck!