Massachusetts-Boston

VENT: Bridesmaids...

ok, so I am so sick of people complaining.  I really do not want to hear it!!!  Like a month ago a couple of the bridesmaids were complaing saying it is costing too much. I picked a color at DB and said get what ever style you want.  There was even some on clearance.  1 of them got a dress for $40.00. Same for shoes, I said get whatever ones you want, they just have to be dyed.  They could of gone to payless or walmart for white shoes for all I care and then had them dyed at DB for $3.00. The shower gone and past (which was wonderful), but my mother threw it (one of my sisters helped out a ton).  None of the other bridesmaids offered to pitch in or do anything for it.  Isn't it supposed to be the bridal party throwing it!!!!  Why am I even giving them gifts...they have not done anything for the most part.  I have done everything alone, invitations, favors, programs...all the stuff people can help with....Then more complaints about money.  So hair and make-up $75.00, I am paying the tip...I don't think that is a bad price at all!!!The icing on the cake...now complaints the Bachlorette party is too much...to my FI...I asked the one sister what we were doing and she said what we were doing is costing $100.00 each girl.  Are you kidding me...really....I am just so sick of it all.  When asked to be in a wedding you know there is a cost involved.  I could see if these girls were struggling, but it really does not seem like it considering they got out all the time.  I know I don't know peoples personal situations, but I just really do not think I am asking too much from this wedding.$120.00 Dress$40.00 Shoes$75.00 hair and make up$100.00 Bachlorette partyLess then $350.00 at MOST!!! (like I said 1 of them got a dress for $40.00)Am I crazy..are your girls complaing about how much it is?  How much are your girls putting up for the day?

Re: VENT: Bridesmaids...

  • edited December 2011
    Do the bridesmaids need to travel to your shower, bachelorette party and wedding? That would add to their expenses, especially if they have to pay for flights and hotel. They may also have to pay for any shower or wedding gifts, alterations for the dress, baby-sitter to watch any kids, rental car, meals while they're in town, etc.Not saying they should be complaining because it certainly takes away from your enjoyment but those are some extra costs they may be facing. It would be ideal if your friends could be fully supportive because how often do you get married? Unfortunately, it's financially tougher for some. I reduced some of my maid's money issues by keeping it simple. Fiance and I paid for all of our bridal party's attire (dresses and suits), paid for the girl's hair and makeup, told them to wear any silver sandals they already owned, and to forget about showers or parties as long as they could get to Boston for the wedding. I heard no complaints.
  • edited December 2011
    I personally don't think you're asking too much from your BMs.  However, I wouldn't confront them about their behavior.  A few hundred dollars is not worth ending a friendship.  If  matching dresses/shoes and hair and makeup means that much to you, pay for these items yourself. 
  • edited December 2011
    They all live in the same town as me!!!  We had the shower in the same town, the ceremony is in the same town and the reception is about 20 mins away.No travel....The kids came and are coming, so no babysitters!!!  I should of picked up some of their cost rather then purchasing gifts!!!
  • edited December 2011
    I should of picked up some of their cost rather then purchasing gifts!!!Can you return the gifts and offer to pay for hair/makeup instead?
  • edited December 2011
    I don't think I can.  I got really good deals at the Coach outlet, I think it was no return and then I got them all the jewlery, which they need and then a couple small things not worth returning. I would never say anything to them, I just assumed people knew there was a cost when you accept the invitation to be included in a wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    From what I remember, you can return the outlet items to any store, retail or outlet.  Their return policy is very relaxed.
  • edited December 2011
    I hate to return things.  I really want to give them their gifts...but I may look into it.  I am going to try to pick up some of the cost for hair and make-up.With only 18 more days remaining, dresses and shoes are already paid for...but I am going to see what I can do.
  • edited December 2011
    You actually may not be able to return the items to Coach - I got my girls these great clutches at the outlet, and the lady told me specifically that they were final sale and could not be returned. Your slip might say on there... Personally, I've never complained to the bride (or anyone else related to the wedding) about associated expenses. I knew when I accepted the invite that there would be a dress to buy, shoes, and hair - but I know not everyone is like that. I've been blessed with my girls - not a single complaint from them, and they really helped out my mom with my shower (my mother and my aunt threw mine). I got them nice goodie bags for the shower as a thank you in addition to their clutches/jewelry they'll be getting at the RD. That being said - originally my sister's bachelorette was going to be $100 a person, and since my wedding is a month from hers, and I have a staunch moral stance against strippers - I spoke to the MOH about just going to dinner with them and calling it a night (turns out FI's grandmother passed away and we were at a funeral that weekend anyways). So, I guess I have been a complainer in the past ;) Have all the girls complained? Or is it just a couple? Are they all complaining about the same thing? For example, if none of them want to buy something - and it's a consensus - then maybe you could get that for them?
  • edited December 2011
    I don't think you are overreacting at all! I was in a tough financial situation for on of my best friends weddings, but I knew what was expected and saved for as long as I could. If you can not afford it, you do not agree to be a bridesmaid. It is difficult but sometimes you have to say no. A friend of mine got married last year and put all cost out there from the get go. She said $200< for the dresses, hair free, make up $35 and then what ever shoes they wanted. None of them had kids, some did have to travel but not all. They all agreed so she hired the make up artist. Flash forward to wedding day and all but ME backed out of the make up, leaving the make up artist VERY upset that she traveled for 2 people. Bride ended up having to pay for all of the girls makeup so they would get it done. They alos had open bar for the bridal party and she spent about $300 on each girl for attendants gifts. The reason for them not wanting to pay for their make up? They all went out the night before and spent too much $$ on drinks. WTF?!?!  Keep in mind I was not the MOH but I (along with the bride and groom which is really sad) paid for the shower with the help of a $25 check from her MOH/Sister and a $30 check from one other BM (she had 7 bms). Some people hate to part with their money if it doesn't benefit them. I am not judging anyone and certainly understand hard financial times but I gave all of my bms the option to decline because I didn't want anyone to feel pressured.
  • edited December 2011
    FWIW - to add - I think you are being generous picking up the things you are!
  • edited December 2011
    I think that $350 is the minimum I would ever expect to pay to be a Bridesmaid... My girls paid $140 for their dresses (i paid the $95 deposits on top of that), they are all paying to travel to Boston from FL for the wedding and stay at least Thursday through Sunday which I'm assuming is ~ $1000 for them and a guest, they all went to South Beach for my bachelorette which was ~ $500 per girl. I am paying for hair and make up for them and also told them to choose any gold shoes (so they may already own them or may purchase a pair). I bought jewelry for day off too.
  • edited December 2011
    Not all of them complained...I have 5 1. Has not complained at all and even mentioned this is the cheapest wedding she has ever been in and she has been in at least 10 wedding that I know of. 2. and 3. Complained about the dress and shoes (mind you...one of them complained is the one that got it for $40.00)4. and 5. are now complaining about the backlorette party.  Which includes...Gypse rose pole dancing, mani, pedi, and facial.  I was told when it was planned that people had the option for the spa...but they all said yes.2, 4, and 5 complained about hair and make-up.  1 opted out of hair the other 2 just said that was crazy for hair and make-up.  I got quotes from a bunch of people...it is not crazy!I guess it is one complaint per person, so hopefully I am done!!!
  • edited December 2011
    Yikes, it seems like the key is to make sure that the BM knows the costs involved going into it.  I heard just recently that FI's sister, who's going to be her friend's MOH, is upset about the cost, but that is only because the bride is demanding that she buys a $500 BM dress that she hates.  I already have a MOH and told her that she can pick any style of dress she likes, as long as it's a color of my choice.  I am also planning on paying for her hair, but I haven't told her that, yet.  She knows what the position entails because she was BM for other people..   I am planning on asking another girl, though, and you've got me thinking about how I need to make sure that she understands that there will be money involved...  So sorry you are going through this.  :(
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    $75 for hair and makeup is a deal. In any case, are you requiring it? Since one girl opted out, can you suggest they each have hair & makeup done where they prefer (or let them do it themselves) so they can stop complaining to you? You were offering it to them as a convenience option but you really don't need complaints 18 days before your wedding.Btw, a $40 bridesmaid dress is a steal.
  • EmstarmeEmstarme member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am so sorry! If you are giving them the option of doing their own hair and makeup (which it sounds like you did) I don't know what else they want!I asked two friends to be bridesmaids and am already getting "suggestions" for a different color, a different weekend, a different month, other friends to invite, and other friends that could be bridesmaids. I think weddings make people crazy! If my friends continue I will have to talk to them about it.I might try talking to them about it. Do they know that it is stressing you out? They might not.
  • edited December 2011
    I think that all of this complaining is ridiculous and rude, especially 18 days before your wedding!  Everyone knows that it is expensive to be a bridesmaid so presumably they knew this before accepting your invitation.  Plus, what you are describing is not even expensive for being in a wedding!Posts like this make me so happy that I decided against a bridal party even though this is not why I made that decision.  My only BM/MOH will be my sister who will be 16 at the time of my wedding.  Clearly mom and dad will be paying the expenses so there will be no complaining!
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Jeni - you are getting good deals - are they just unaware of what things cost? For example, my BM dresses were $210 each (with the JH trunk show discount), hair is $85, makeup is another $45 I think? It's expensive. So maybe they don't know how much this stuff actually costs? (Except for #1, who is a wedding pro and knows a deal when she sees one!) And if you gave them the option to not have their hair/makeup professionally done - they shouldn't complain! The last two weddings I've been in the brides gave us that option and it saved me - I'm crazy allergic to makeup and products, so I always find it best to use my own. (Plus, admittedly I'm a makeup wh*re...)
  • edited December 2011
    I think that what you are asking of your BM is CHEAP! Ive been a BM in about 10 weddings (always a BM FINALLY a BRIDE!)..every time Im asked to be a BM I open up a sep. acct solely for BM costs!! I plan on spending around $1000 which includes dress, shoes, hair/make-up, engagement party, shower, bach party, gifts, travel costs, hotels, etc...it is NOT cheap to be a BM and everyone knows that..if you cant afford it, voice it..otherwise, be quite, smile and be happy for your friend who's getting married bc you know she'd do the same for you! :)
  • robinmswrobinmsw member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I seem to be in the minority here--which, frankly, surprises me--but, yes, I think you are crazy.A bridesmaid is supposed to stand next to you at your wedding as an important person in your life, and to show their support of your marriage.  Anything else is bonus.  Yes, many people may do that, but it's by no means a requirement.  They don't have to throw you a shower, do your invites, programs, etc.Also, you don't get your bridesmaids a gift because they do things for you; you get them a gift as a thank you for being a part of your wedding and for showing their support.Did you require they get their hair/makeup done?  I don't even want to spend $75 on my own hair!  It may be a good price, but that doesn't mean it's how people want to spend their money.$100 is a lot to spend for one night for a bachelorette party.  You say that your friends aren't "struggling" but you don't know that.  And people don't want to spend their money on the same kinds of things.  Even if they're well off, they may find it ridiculous to spend $100 on a night.Your question, are my girls complaining?  No.  They're buying a dress and that's it.  I'm not asking them to spend any of their time or money on my wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    thank you for saying that robin. I told my bridesmaids how much it would cost them for hair and makeup but left it completely up to them if they wanted to get it done. If you are requiring them to get their makeup and hair done, this is something you should consider paying for. why are they complaining to your FI about your bachlorette party? They are the ones who plan it so if they think it's too costly they can come up with something less expensive for them. this should be something they should be discussing amongst themselves and not to your FI.
  • edited December 2011
    I never required them to get their hair and make-up done with who I am going with.  I gave them the option and only 1 opted out. So if they had issues with it, then they should of said no I will do it myself.  $100.00 for a manicure, pedicure, facial, gypse rose and a night out in Boston is not alot!!!  Manicure, Pedicure and facial alone can be $100.00.   
  • edited December 2011
    I tried really hard to make sure any costs were ok'd by all 3 bridesmaids before making any decisions or asking anything of them.  I had them pick out dresses on a price range they were comfortable in.  I did not care who did their hair or make-up, or what shoes or jewelry they wore.   That being said my bachelorette was a nightmare because they decided to go way overboard and then complained about the cost of it... to me... during the event.  Talk about a downer.  So I get how you feel.I would expect some costs involved with being a bridesmaid but I would want to have a clear understanding of what exaclty is involved.  Keep them updated and let them have input before you decide on anything that could be sot related to them.  If they haven't been in a wedding before they may not have a clue.  It might not be that they are trying to be rude but rather they had different expectations.  I probably wouldn't discuss anything that has already happened but I would try really hard to be clear and upfront about any other costs they might be expected to incurr.  Also, if you want help with other wedding tasks, just ask them.  They may want to be involved but think you are really busy getting ready for your big day and don't want to intrude.  Good luck! 
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  • edited December 2011
    you're right, for all that you guys have planned to do, that is not alot. however, if they feel that is a lot of money to spend-cut stuff out. Just do a mani & pedi and a night out in Boston or some thing like that.
  • edited December 2011
    i personally dont think thats alot, esp. since you allowed the girls to opt out of hair and make up ( even though thats a great price for both!)  weddings are super expensive for everyone involved.  i have some girls complaining about cost...my bm dress is around $200 before alterations, hair is $60 (im paying the tip..although some girls chose to opt out) and they will need to buy a gold shoe..plus shower (which my family will help with) and the bach. party and hotel for the night of wedding (if they choose)....im paying for make up, jewelry and wristlets/clutches as their gifts....what makes me upset is certain ones gripe about the cost..but then some of them want to take me to vegas for my bach party...? uh?i think the thing to realize is that your BM may not realize that their complaining about money at this stage is doing no good, if there is a serious issue they should speak to you privately...or if there was they should have brought it to your attention so maybe something could have been donei tried that with one of my girls and gave her a full oppurtunity to tell me there was something going on and she completely blew me offtry not to let it ruin your time these last few weeks ..this time is about you and DF!
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