Wedding Etiquette Forum

Fueding parents

My parents are divorced and I have been dreading wedding planning because of their attitudes about eachother.  Much to my surprise my father has offered to fund my wedding, the exception being the cost of my mother and her guests.  Thus we would figure out a price per head and he would want my mother to pay that for herself and anyone else she wants to invite. 
Since my parents are in extremely different financial situation's I find this fair- my wedding it a year and a half away which will give my mother time to save and I'm also trying to save a bit to pay for "the essentials" and any guests she can't afford.  Is it totally out of line to tell my mother that she can only invite the number of guests she can help pay for?  (These being outside of my immediate family which I'm willing to take care of such as my brothers, grandmother), speaking more along the lines of her friends.
I'd like to add that my mother, while in a different financial position, is not bad off.  She takes several vacations every year, has a new car, owns a home, etc. 

Re: Fueding parents

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fueding-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:029c7815-bbc3-47ff-890e-e93bd57243cbPost:ac0011e5-a3b6-4241-b1d5-1745fea1325d">Fueding parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents are divorced and I have been dreading wedding planning because of their attitudes about eachother.  Much to my surprise my father has offered to fund my wedding, the exception being the cost of my mother and her guests.  Thus we would figure out a price per head and he would want my mother to pay that for herself and anyone else she wants to invite.  Since my parents are in extremely different financial situation's I find this fair- my wedding it a year and a half away which will give my mother time to save and I'm also trying to save a bit to pay for "the essentials" and any guests she can't afford.  Is it totally out of line to tell my mother that she can only invite the number of guests she can help pay for?  (These being outside of my immediate family which I'm willing to take care of such as my brothers, grandmother), speaking more along the lines of her friends. I'd like to add that my mother, while in a different financial position, is not bad off.  She takes several vacations every year, has a new car, owns a home, etc. 
    Posted by JKronzek[/QUOTE]

    What your father is doing is petty.  Money generally comes with strings, and THESE strings will tear you apart like a cat disembowling a marionette.  Decline his "offer," host a wedding that you and your FI can afford on your own, and enjoy it with both of your parents. 
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  • I would explain to her your father's offer (which I think you should accept because that is a lot of money and I know I couldn't host a wedding on my own at this point in my life).  Come up with a price per head and see how she reacts.  It is your wedding and she isn't actually obligated to help pay for anything, you know that right?  Helping pay for the wedding is a gift from her to you and she doesn't have to offer.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fueding-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:029c7815-bbc3-47ff-890e-e93bd57243cbPost:6ef67430-c3e0-4573-87dd-9eba102b0e6c">Re: Fueding parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would explain to her your father's offer (which I think you should accept because that is a lot of money and I know I couldn't host a wedding on my own at this point in my life).  Come up with a price per head and see how she reacts.  It is your wedding and she isn't actually obligated to help pay for anything, you know that right?  <strong>Helping pay for the wedding is a gift from her to you and she doesn't have to offer</strong>.
    Posted by SCogs18[/QUOTE]

    But, if OP accepts father's offer, then she is essentially telling mom that she IS obligated to pay, if mom wants any of her friends/family there.

    A lot of people pay for their own weddings.  It may not be one's dream wedding, but it's a lot better than having conditions placed on your wedding planning.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fueding-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:029c7815-bbc3-47ff-890e-e93bd57243cbPost:2ee68994-62b5-43c9-a33b-6bf02e178553">Re: Fueding parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fueding parents : <strong>If the OP's father was fine with the OP and her FI paying for her mother's guests, would you change your opinion</strong>?   I initially thought that the OP should just accept the money from her dad for "his" guests, and then she and her FI would be responsible for the balance (unless mom offers  to contribute).  However, if dad is insistent that OP's mom pays for anything , then I'd agree with this advice and turn down any money from dad.
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    To me, it's a slippery slope.  My father tried to do a similar thing (I'll give you X amount of money, but your mom has to give you that much, too).  I would worry that it would turn into a competition where he would invite a bunch of "his people" because he could, and make mom feel like crap if she couldn't afford to invite her people. 

    Also, it's difficult to determine where the line for paying per person is; dinner may be $20 per person, but there are a lot more expenses that go into a wedding than just dinner, which greatly inflated the pp cost.  What happens if mom decides to invite 50 people (and pays for 50 plates); dad is still technically footing the bill for the "extras" - ceremony/reception venue space, chairs,  tables, centerpieces, flowers, cake, etc... so it increases HIS overall cost, which could bite OP in the ass. 
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  • Yeaht his sounds sticky.  I always find it extremely lame when a parent is more concerned with their feud with their ex than keeping their own children sane.  It sounds way too sticky with too many strings, there is no way you are going to get out of this with your sanity intact.  I honestly recommend sitting your dad down and explain, while you appreciate is generous offer, those strings aren't something you can work with, so you will be paying for a small wedding on your own.  It is completely unacceptable for you to go to your mom and say that the only way her friends/family can come is if she pays for them.  It's like selling tickets to your wedding.  Tacky.
  • Stuff like this just peeves me right the heck off.  I'm a divorced MOB and I had every reason to hate my ex.  An hour and half after deciding to get a divorce we made a solemn promise to never put our girls in the middle of our issues.  We went to conferences, Christmas programs, graduations, weddings, g'kids bday parties together.  At no time would our girls every have to deal with uncomfortable issues of choosing one over the other.

    Any parent can make that choice because that is what it is, a choice. 

    What your father is doing is incredibly petty and is opening the door for problems in this wedding that will haunt you and make you want to walk away from it.  I would not take the money with those strings attached.  OP - I really encourage you not to take this offer.

    And, what your mother spends her money on is completely irrelevant to your wedding.  It is up to you and your FI to pay for the wedding - any offers of help are wonderful as long as they don't come with strings.

    Man, I'm ticked off for you.
  • Personally I would sit down with mom and she if she intends to help pay for the wedding. She is definitly not required to. If she is willing I would discuss what she is comfortble contributing. Once you have that information I would go back and re-evaluate the situation.  After contributions you would simply have to make up the difference. Since they are in fact divorced how would your dad know what your mom is or is not contributing unless you tell him?
  • Also - don't count your money until it's in your bank account.  Many, many, many times over, we see brides here that had been given promises of money from one or both parents, and when the time comes to actually collect on the promise, the money is no longer available (job loss, medical issues, parents change their mind, etc).  Best advice is really to plan the wedding that you can afford on your own.  Any gifts of money from either parent can be considered extra.

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  • I would talk to your dad about the situation again. I was in a very similar boat where he initally was going to pay for everything, and then decided he, mom and Fi's family would have to contribute equal amounts or else he wouldn't help (mom and FI's family hadn't offered!). I told him we didn't need his money if it came with so many conditions. We didn't talk for 3 months during the planning process. He eventually came around and decided to pay for the catering, which was a big help.
    No on is obligated to pay for your wedding except you and your fiance. You can tell your mom that your dad has conditional used for his money, and discuss your optinos. She may offer to help pay and she may not, but she is not obligated in any way to spend her money on the wedding. We paid for 75% of our wedding ourselves, and in the end, it felt great to know we did it together. We may have had to cut back on our lifestyle to pay for it, but it was worth it (and we were both on restaurant wages, not "dream jobs" so it IS do-able. And we had 125 guests)

    Best of luck to you. I really think that you should talk to your dad and say you would really appreciate his financial help, but you can't afford to have it create a rift on the day where you family should be coming together.  My dad is very stubborn, but in the end, he was all giddy and excited and very happy to participate (all foreign attributes for him!)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fueding-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:029c7815-bbc3-47ff-890e-e93bd57243cbPost:ac0011e5-a3b6-4241-b1d5-1745fea1325d">Fueding parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents are divorced and I have been dreading wedding planning because of their attitudes about eachother.  Much to my surprise my father has offered to fund my wedding, the exception being the cost of my mother and her guests.  Thus we would figure out a price per head and he would want my mother to pay that for herself and anyone else she wants to invite.  Since my parents are in extremely different financial situation's I find this fair- <strong>my wedding it a year and a half away which will give my mother time to save and I'm also trying to save a bit to pay for "the essentials" and any guests she can't afford.</strong>  Is it totally out of line to tell my mother that she can only invite the number of guests she can help pay for?  (These being outside of my immediate family which I'm willing to take care of such as my brothers, grandmother), speaking more along the lines of her friends. I'd like to add that my mother, while in a different financial position, is not bad off.  She takes several vacations every year, has a new car, owns a home, etc. 
    Posted by JKronzek[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Has your mother offered? If not, assume you are paying for anything your father isn't.</div><div>
    </div><div>Your father's offer is sort of gross. I'm not sure that I'd accept it.

    </div>
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  • edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fueding-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:029c7815-bbc3-47ff-890e-e93bd57243cbPost:3efee7f5-b268-4e32-9465-baf4da319020">Re: Fueding parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fueding parents : In Response to Fueding parents : <strong>What she spends HER money on is none of your business</strong>.  Then you don't get married yet or scale back the wedding. Money often has strings and her dad's seems to have a lot of them and it's petty.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    I think that's a bit harsh. I agree that her mom needs to <em>offer</em> the money, not be asked for it, and that her dad is being petty, but to say her mom's finances are none of her business? Why not? I live hundreds of miles from my parents, but I know a lot about their finances b/c they openly share with me so I can learn from their example. Am I supposed to tell them, "don't tell me about your finances because it's none of my business?" That doesn't make sense. We don't know how the OP came across the information she shared, but it's not fair to assume that she went snooping in her mom's business. It's her mom, she's bound to know <em>some </em>things about her finances.

    I think the main issue here is that what her mom does with her money shouldn't affect what she is expected to give or not give toward the wedding, but it doesn't mean that the OP isn't allowed to know about her own mom's finances at all. I think what the OP was getting at is that b/c her mom is not dirt poor, she (her mom) <em>might</em> be willing and able to give in to her dad's requirements.
  • Accept Dad's money, then pay for Mom's guests yourselves.  It doesn't sound like Dad is saying "Mom has to contribute the same amount," only that he doesn't want his money used for her guests. My dad said the same thing, so the "overage" is going toward the DJ, photographer, etc through direct checks from Dad.  Consider the cost of Mom's guests as your and your FI's costs, and let that be that.  Dad's money didn't cover Mom's guests, Mom still got to invite people.  If Mom offers money down the line, cool, if not, no need to single her out.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fueding-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:029c7815-bbc3-47ff-890e-e93bd57243cbPost:f117b90d-beed-49e1-b7a3-b41dc7e7191b">Re: Fueding parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Accept Dad's money, then pay for Mom's guests yourselves.  It doesn't sound like Dad is saying "Mom has to contribute the same amount," only that he doesn't want his money used for her guests. My dad said the same thing, so the "overage" is going toward the DJ, photographer, etc through direct checks from Dad.  Consider the cost of Mom's guests as your and your FI's costs, and let that be that.  Dad's money didn't cover Mom's guests, Mom still got to invite people.  If Mom offers money down the line, cool, if not, no need to single her out.
    Posted by jeslm[/QUOTE]

     I agree. This is excellent advice.
  • This is ridiculous.  Either accept your dad's money and tell him "We have x amount of guests."  You can include in that total your mom and who ever else you want to invite.  How's he going to know that the x total includes your mom?  Is he going to ask for a detailed guest list?  OR...don't accept his money and tell him his conditions are not good for your stress level.  Wedding planning is tough enough without the added drama.
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