Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding

lilmisstex

I am confused.  Why is it considered acceptable to exclude children from being invited to a wedding by not listing their name on the invitation envelope but it is considered rude to put “Adult Reception” on the reception card? 

 

I have been told that its rude to put “Adult Reception” on the reception card because it defines who is and isn’t invited to the reception.  Well not listing children’s names on the wedding invitation also defines who is and isn’t invited. 

 

Why is it considered such a faux pas to list “Adult Reception” on a reception card but considered perfectly acceptable to exclude children by just not listing them on the invitation envelope?  Not listing the children’s names on the invitation envelopes AND putting “Adult Reception” on the reception cards would make it clear to parents that their children are not invited.  Just leaving the children’s names off the invitation envelope and then saying nothing about an “Adult Reception” on the reception card will lead many people to think that the entire family is invited which then warrants a phone call from the bride or groom to uninvite the children which is far more rude in my opinion than doing what I described above.

 

Also why is it considered rude to invite some children but not all children?  Isnt it up to the bride and groom who they want at their wedding?  Everything I have read regarding the etiquette surrounding the children being invited/not invited situation says that you cant exclude some children and not others unless you exclude all children except those who actually take part in the wedding.  Why is that? 

KatyRoseM

Stating "adult reception" is showing who isn't invited.  Writing names on invitations shows who is.  Its the difference between not inviting someone, and telling someone, your not invited. 

As for the inviting some children but not all, I think that is a stupid rule.  You should be able to chose who to invite and children are people too.  I like some children but not others.  However, the amount of anger I would get from people if I said, I'm sorry I don't like your child is just not worth it.  I think the rule comes from the fact that parents are not willing to hear that someone doesn't like their kid. 

[Deleted User]

I agree with you on both counts. I think the invitation rule is stupid. And I agree that children aren't an all or nothing category.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:244ba64a-97f8-4893-9938-60f1fcfc94cf">Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I am confused.   Why is it considered acceptable to exclude children from being invited to a wedding by not listing their name on the invitation envelope but it is considered rude to put “Adult Reception” on the reception card?     I have been told that its rude to put “Adult Reception” on the reception card because it defines who is and isn’t invited to the reception.  <strong> Well not listing children’s names on the wedding invitation also defines who is and isn’t invited.</strong>     Why is it considered such a faux pas to list “Adult Reception” on a reception card but considered perfectly acceptable to exclude children by just not listing them on the invitation envelope?   Not listing the children’s names on the invitation envelopes AND putting “Adult Reception” on the reception cards would make it clear to parents that their children are not invited.   <strong>Just leaving the children’s names off the invitation envelope and then saying nothing about an “Adult Reception” on the reception card will lead many people to think that the entire family is invited which then warrants a phone call from the bride or groom to uninvite the children which is far more rude in my opinion than doing what I described above. </strong>  Also why is it considered rude to invite some children but not all children?   Isnt it up to the bride and groom who they want at their wedding?   <strong>Everything I have read regarding the etiquette surrounding the children being invited/not invited situation says that you cant exclude some children and not others unless you exclude all children except those who actually take part in the wedding.   Why is that?  </strong>
Posted by lilmisstex[/QUOTE]
No, it actually doesn't at all. It mentions who is invited and makes absolutely zero reference to anyone that's not invited.

Then do whatever the hell you want. It's not like there's an etiquette task force that will descend upon you and beat you about the head and shoulders or something. Don't come here looking to change people's minds. I think it's rude to put Adult Only Reception, you don't. So do it. But do it knowing that you may piss people off.

If you invite Susie's kids, but not Jane's kids, and you have basically the same relationship with both Susie and Jane, don't you think one of them will get pissed off?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:244ba64a-97f8-4893-9938-60f1fcfc94cf">Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I am confused.   Why is it considered acceptable to exclude children from being invited to a wedding by not listing their name on the invitation envelope but it is considered rude to put “Adult Reception” on the reception card?     I have been told that its rude to put “Adult Reception” on the reception card because it defines who is and isn’t invited to the reception.   Well not listing children’s names on the wedding invitation also defines who is and isn’t invited.     Why is it considered such a faux pas to list “Adult Reception” on a reception card but considered perfectly acceptable to exclude children by just not listing them on the invitation envelope?   Not listing the children’s names on the invitation envelopes AND putting “Adult Reception” on the reception cards would make it clear to parents that their children are not invited.   Just leaving the children’s names off the invitation envelope and then saying nothing about an “Adult Reception” on the reception card will lead many people to think that the entire family is invited which then warrants a phone call from the bride or groom to uninvite the children which is far more rude in my opinion than doing what I described above.   Also why is it considered rude to invite some children but not all children?   Isnt it up to the bride and groom who they want at their wedding?   Everything I have read regarding the etiquette surrounding the children being invited/not invited situation says that you cant exclude some children and not others unless you exclude all children except those who actually take part in the wedding.   Why is that?  
Posted by lilmisstex[/QUOTE]

Mrs.B6302007

You should always state an invite in the positive fashion. By listing out the names of those who ARE invited on the envelope, it's politely postitive.  The invite itself is not the place to say who is or isn't invited (that's the purpose of the envelope) so putting AO on there is not only negative, it's not supposed to be there at all.

lyndausvi

I guess it depends on your social group.  In my social group ONLY the names that appear on the envelope are the ones invited.  If your kids names are not there, they are not invited. 

 It's pretty simple if you think about it. If your child gets an invite from a schoolmate to their b-day party you do not assume the whole family is invited do you?    Same thing for a wedding IMO.

Putting adult reception sends a message that your guests do not know who is actually invited.   

I get some circles might actually need the adult reception, but not in my world.  For the record it's not the biggest faux pas you can make.

eta -  kids are not all or nothing in my book.  I do, however, find it's easier to invite/not invite kids bases on a category (ie... nieces/nephews and not friend's kids) 

Habs2Hart

I see it kinda like announcing grades at school.

The following people passed: and list the names.  It's better than listing those who failed.  Not that that happens at school, but it's more positive that way. 

scottswife1106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:244ba64a-97f8-4893-9938-60f1fcfc94cf">Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I am confused.   Why is it considered acceptable to exclude children from being invited to a wedding by not listing their name on the invitation envelope but it is considered rude to put “Adult Reception” on the reception card?     I have been told that its rude to put “Adult Reception” on the reception card because it defines who is and isn’t invited to the reception.   Well not listing children’s names on the wedding invitation also defines who is and isn’t invited.     Why is it considered such a faux pas to list “Adult Reception” on a reception card but considered perfectly acceptable to exclude children by just not listing them on the invitation envelope?   Not listing the children’s names on the invitation envelopes AND putting “Adult Reception” on the reception cards would make it clear to parents that their children are not invited.   Just leaving the children’s names off the invitation envelope and then saying nothing about an “Adult Reception” on the reception card will lead many people to think that the entire family is invited which then warrants a phone call from the bride or groom to uninvite the children which is far more rude in my opinion than doing what I described above.   Also why is it considered rude to invite some children but not all children?   Isnt it up to the bride and groom who they want at their wedding?   Everything I have read regarding the etiquette surrounding the children being invited/not invited situation says that you cant exclude some children and not others unless you exclude all children except those who actually take part in the wedding.   Why is that?  
Posted by lilmisstex[/QUOTE]

PP has stated about the invitation/RSVP cards and I agree.

As far as some children being invited and some not, I would think that there would be some hurt feelings, of your guests, if they found out that you invited some children and not theirs. I doubt that you would want to have guests question your love/like for their children if they were not invited, and yet you invited other children who were not in the wedding party or a family member. JMO

Milsey32

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[QUOTE]You should always state an invite in the positive fashion. By listing out the names of those who ARE invited on the envelope, <strong>it's politely postitive.</strong>  The invite itself is not the place to say who is or isn't invited (that's the purpose of the envelope) so putting AO on there is not only negative, it's not supposed to be there at all.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>THIS.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:6d8350dd-5a61-4785-bc83-f97def4692eb">Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding : As far as some children being invited and some not, I would think that there would be some hurt feelings, of your guests, if they found out that you invited some children and not theirs.
Posted by scottswife1106[/QUOTE]
These are probably the same idiot parents who insist on bleating, "my kids are people too! They have a right to go anywhere!" But then don't want them treated like regular people when it comes to stuff like this. Damn hypocrites.

lilmisstex

Thanks for the responses.  I never thought about excluding names on a wedding inviation as being something positive but I do see y'alls point now that y'all have pointed it out. 

LoveMuffins

I put on "adult reception" on my invites before i knew it was 'wrong'. Meh. I defintely don't think it's that big a deal, and im not going back and changing them.

i disagree that saying 'adult reception' is saying 'you're not invited' more than not putting someone's names on the invite. if you said "no kids at the reception", THAT's saying who's not invited. by saying 'adult reception' it's more of a gray area, which is why i think some etiquette books/websites say it can be used. because it still only refers to the people who are invited and doesn't say "no".

I agree with PPs about the groupings of kids... if you invite one best friend's kid, your other best friends will probably be upset. if you invite one sibling's kid and not the others, they'll be upset. you don't have to invite ALL kids if you've invited some family member's children that aren't in your WP, but usually picking and choosing without consideration of the groupings is going to lead to some hurt feelings.

DNAtime

I agree with PPs.

I think with inviting some people's children but not others, its rude to select the kids on an individual basis.  If your friend Jane's little toddlers are demons from hell and not invited. While another friends kids are fine so they are invited, I think Jane is going to feel pretty upset when she gets to the wedding and finds out other people's kids were invited.  She will feel singled out, which she was. Thats rude. 

You can invited children who are family and not invite children who are not. Thats okay because there is a clear line.

FutureMrsTR

Is today the day of questioning etiquette?

jcbender0

My FI and I completely disagreed on this one.  I told him that it was rude, but he insisted on Adults Reception... he wanted to put No Children (which I absolutely refused).  When all was said and done, his family is the one that is more affected by having no children, so I figured it was just easier to put it on the response card.  I still don't like it, but I guess it is the begining of our compromises!

mica178

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[QUOTE]Is today the day of questioning etiquette?
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

Today and yesterday. 

FutureMrsTR

I am way too fuucking cranky for this shiit.

Bkseller13

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[QUOTE]I am way too fuucking cranky for this shiit.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

And I'm TOTALLY disappointed.  On the main board, you were listed as the last poster, but it stopped at the T.  I was hoping for a FutureMrsTayPrince gem...damn. 

hlq2011

It's been a trend lately, TR.  All damn week.

lilmisstex

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:8866ccdd-3b79-4094-9d26-8295258efc14">Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]eta -  kids are not all or nothing in my book.  I do, however, find it's easier to invite/not invite kids bases on a category (ie... nieces/nephews and not friend's kids) 
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
This is where Im at.  I do want the few children that Im related to at the wedding/reception.  The reception venue only holds 150 people though and if every person that we invite to our wedding brought their children we would have 63 children there and our guest total would be over 200.  That means that not everybody would have a place to sit.  Even if the venue held 500 people and my projected "adults who will attend" guest list was 150 I still wouldnt want 63 children at my wedding and reception though...   

lilmisstex

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[QUOTE]Is today the day of questioning etiquette?
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

As you can see based on my profile Ive been a member since 8/2010 and I rarely post here.  I wish I had time to hang out on theknot all day everyday so I could count how many threads are started regarding certain topics each day but I dont so it would be impossible for me to answer your question. 

lilmisstex

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[QUOTE]In Response to Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding : No, it actually doesn't at all. It mentions who is invited and makes absolutely zero reference to anyone that's not invited. Then do whatever the hell you want. It's not like there's an etiquette task force that will descend upon you and beat you about the head and shoulders or something. <strong>Don't come here looking to change people's minds.</strong> I think it's rude to put Adult Only Reception, you don't. So do it. But do it knowing that you may piss people off. If you invite Susie's kids, but not Jane's kids, and you have basically the same relationship with both Susie and Jane, don't you think one of them will get pissed off?
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]
How and I trying to change the mind of anybody?  This is simply a discussion...  I was under the impression that this is a <em>discussion</em> board. Is it not?

SpokenVows

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:c8a54d0d-4767-4a3b-9d83-5d69158336a2">Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I am way too fuucking cranky for this shiit.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]


I'll spare you and not post a topic <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />


I was originally not going to invite kids, except those in the WP. I have younger cousins I adore, but others I can't tolerate. Same for FI's side of the family. We decided not to invite any because we "didn't want them to be loud, annoying, and in the way." This board definitely changed my mind, though, and now I would love to have kids there. I want to be able to look back at pictures and remember how adorable and funny some of the younger ones were, hehe.

lilmisstex

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding : I'll spare you and not post a topic I was originally not going to invite kids, except those in the WP. I have younger cousins I adore, but others I can't tolerate. Same for FI's side of the family. We decided not to invite any because we "didn't want them to be loud, annoying, and in the way." This board definitely changed my mind, though, and now I would love to have kids there. I want to be able to look back at pictures and remember how adorable and funny some of the younger ones were, hehe.
Posted by SpokenVows[/QUOTE]
For me its not a matter of not wanting children there.  I do want some children there (the few children that I'm close to) but if every person that we invite (who is likely to attend) brings each of their chidlren then we will end up with 63 children and over 200 guests.  The reception venue only seats 150.  Even if we were having our reception at a venue that would seat 500 I still would not want 63 children at my reception though.  This is a formal evening wedding and reception and not a childrens party.

lilmisstex

And for the record, I wasnt planning to put "Adult Reception" on my reception cards...  I will be leaving off the names of many children on the invitations though.  I was curious about why people considered it rude to put "Adult Reception" on reception cards and not rude to leave children's names off invitations though since are both are excluding children and that is why I started this topic. 

lilmisstex

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:8866ccdd-3b79-4094-9d26-8295258efc14">Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess it depends on your social group.  In my social group ONLY the names that appear on the envelope are the ones invited.  If your kids names are not there, they are not invited.   It's pretty simple if you think about it. <strong>If your child gets an invite from a schoolmate to their b-day party you do not assume the whole family is invited do you?   </strong> Same thing for a wedding IMO. Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
I have a 12 year old child and in the past there have been parents that have assumed that all their children were invited to her birthday parties when the invitation was only addressed to one of their children.  I havent encountered this problem since I moved away from the military community though.

Kate61487

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding : For me its not a matter of not wanting children there.  I do want some children there (the few children that I'm close to) but if every person that we invite (who is likely to attend) brings each of their chidlren then we will end up with 63 children and over 200 guests.  The reception venue only seats 150.  Even if we were having our reception at a venue that would seat 500 I still would not want 63 children at my reception though.  This is a formal evening wedding and reception and not a childrens party.
Posted by lilmisstex[/QUOTE]

No one on here is telling you that you have to invite these 63 children, so I don't know why you keep bringing this up.  Everyone agrees it's fine to not invite the kids if you don't want to.  It seems everyone is also in agreement (including you) that the proper way to do this is to NOT put 'adult only' on the invite and to instead list the names of only those who are invited on the envelope

Your question's been answered, so why are you arguing and getting defensive?

Carlydl

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[QUOTE]<strong>I guess it depends on your social group.</strong>  In my social group ONLY the names that appear on the envelope are the ones invited.  If your kids names are not there, they are not invited.   It's pretty simple if you think about it. If your child gets an invite from a schoolmate to their b-day party you do not assume the whole family is invited do you?    Same thing for a wedding IMO. Putting adult reception sends a message that your guests do not know who is actually invited.    <strong>I get some circles might actually need the adult reception</strong>, but not in my world.  For the record it's not the biggest faux pas you can make. eta -  kids are not all or nothing in my book.  I do, however, find it's easier to invite/not invite kids bases on a category (ie... nieces/nephews and not friend's kids) 
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I think this is an interesting point.  In my area, everyone is usually invited to weddings because they are basically just 2 hour long receiving lines with snacks or dessert.  Since the hosts aren't paying per person, everyong just shows up, whether their names were on the invite or not, just because it's assumed the whole family is invited.  "Oh, and meet our foreign exchange student and next door neighbor who we decided to bring along!"

I was going to go the route of "__ seats have been reserved in your honor" because we're doing a dinner reception, but my mom insisted that if we aren't incredibly specific about who is and is not invited, we're going to end up with tons of extra kids and family members who are not invited (i.e., her side of the family just wouldn't get it).  So, we ended up putting "Respectfully, an Adult only ocassion" on the RSVP cards.  I wasn't too thrilled about it since I'm a frequent E lurker, but she who holds the purse strings gets the final say.

I can see where she is coming from though, because it is a very common assumption in my area that "John and Jane Smith" just means, "Hey John and Jane, since you're the grown-ups we're addressing this to you, but it's for the whole family." 

I can understand where you're coming from, OP.  I have 30 first cousins on my mom's side alone who are all older, married, and have between 1-5 kids.  We just didn't have the space or the budget to accommodate them, it's not like we don't want them there.  It's just a matter of finances and ability to comfortably accommodate the people we want to celebrate with.

lilmisstex

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:ad1ef8f7-5309-4d3d-8701-ae1bee78358a">Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding : No one on here is telling you that you have to invite these 63 children, so I don't know why you keep bringing this up.  Everyone agrees it's fine to not invite the kids if you don't want to.  It seems everyone is also in agreement (including you) that the proper way to do this is to NOT put 'adult only' on the invite and to instead list the names of only those who are invited on the envelope Your question's been answered, so why are you arguing and getting defensive?
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

How am I arguing or being defensive?  Im not.  Im simply responding to posters in a thread I started. How is that being defensive or argumentative? Am I not allowed to respond to posters?  I wasnt aware that theknot locked down posts once the question the topic was started over had been answered or forbid people from responding past that point.  I was under the impression that this was a DISCUSSION board.  As for the 63 children point, I keep bringing it up because perhaps there are people like myself who dont read every single entry in a thread before posting...  So what if I bring it up in response to a another persons comment?  If you dont want to read what Ive written then block me or dont read what I post.  Its simple really.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-way-acceptable-vs-unacceptable-ways-exclude-chidren-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:035be6fe-6b50-4f4f-8ea5-5c95e124119fPost:187c758f-7950-4d70-b616-e4e1037f87fc">Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Is It This Way? Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Exclude Chidren at Your Wedding : How am I arguing or being defensive?  Im not.  Im simply responding to posters in a thread I started. How is that being defensive or argumentative? Am I not allowed to respond to posters?  I wasnt aware that theknot locked down posts once the question the topic was started over had been answered or forbid people from responding past that point.  I was under the impression that this was a DISCUSSION board.  As for the 63 children point, I keep bringing it up because perhaps there are people like myself who dont read every single entry in a thread before posting...  So what if I bring it up in response to a another persons comment?  If you dont want to read what Ive written then block me or dont read what I post.  Its simple really.
Posted by lilmisstex[/QUOTE]

I'm just sayin, your posts come across pretty aggressive.  And now that I saw the others on the 'already married' thread it seems pretty obvious that you are, in fact, getting defensive.  take a chill pill.