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+1's getting out of control!

jenvalverde0580jenvalverde0580
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Help!  We have already sent out our save the date cards and they were written out to the exact people we intent to invite to the wedding.  A co-worker who has made it well known in the office that he and his wife are separated (have been now for about 2 years and live in separate homes but still have, uh, visits to put it politely) said he received the save the date card and called his to-be-ex and told her about it and is having her come with him to our wedding.  My fiancée and I budgeted according to our guest list and we are only allowing a +1 for guests with spouses or engaged.  What would the etiquette be in this case since he clearly didn't understand that seeing only his name on the save the date means that only he is invited?

Thanks!
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Re: +1's getting out of control!

  • adamar15adamar15 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:66437367-1e5b-44f7-bc83-7b05d9fd4d44">+1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Help!  We have already sent out our save the date cards and they were written out to the exact people we intent to invite to the wedding.  A co-worker who has made it well known in the office that he and his wife are separated (have been now for about 2 years and live in separate homes but still have, uh, visits to put it politely) said he received the save the date card and called his to-be-ex and told her about it and is having her come with him to our wedding.  My fiancée and I budgeted according to our guest list and we are only allowing a +1 for <strong>guests with spouses or engaged</strong>.  What would the etiquette be in this case since he clearly didn't understand that seeing only his name on the save the date means that only he is invited? Thanks!
    Posted by jenvalverde0580[/QUOTE]

    Or anyone in a relationship, right? 
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  • jenvalverde0580jenvalverde0580
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    Oh wait, I left out the best part....

    When they were getting married a few years back they invited all of the office co-workers.  Then after we all sent back the RSVP cards they un-invited all co-workers because of the cost.
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Setting such hard-line rules such as engaged or married isn't a very good plan because you get into "judging your guests relationship" territory, which no one takes well to. What about couples who are serious but for whatever reason choose not to be married? What about same sex couples who can't legally get married?

    Anyone in a relationship should be invited with their significant other. When you are in a "steady" relationship you are a social unit, and social units should not be split up.

    You should budget for your single guests to potentially all be in relationships by the time your wedding invitations go out, because you just never know.
    Lizzie
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:ff72ed1f-bf37-4f9c-b684-15d8a02c1294">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh wait, I left out the best part.... When they were getting married a few years back they invited all of the office co-workers.  Then after we all sent back the RSVP cards they un-invited all co-workers because of the cost.
    Posted by jenvalverde0580[/QUOTE]

    That was beyond rude of them, but two rudes don't make a right.
    Lizzie
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    2 wrongs don't make a right.

    He is married.  Invite her.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • jenvalverde0580jenvalverde0580
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:5ddf6994-9b65-4691-bafd-5b16f51433a9">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to +1's getting out of control! : Or anyone in a relationship, right? 
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

    Thanks - but we are only inviting the other half of the pair if they are engaged or married (in one instance been together for a long time and living together) because we can't have a bunch of extra seats for "flavor of the week" dates.  As much as we would love to be able to allow everyone to bring a date, we just don't have it in the budget.
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  • MyUserName1MyUserName1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Significant others are not +1s. Social units should always be invited together. 

    Plus ones are random dates.  
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  • LaBellaVita23LaBellaVita23 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:3117f072-d649-42e2-833b-4878fbcdc7d7">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1's getting out of control! : Thanks - but we are only inviting the other half of the pair if they are engaged or married (in one instance been together for a long time and living together) because we can't have a bunch of extra seats for "flavor of the week" dates.  As much as we would love to be able to allow everyone to bring a date, we just don't have it in the budget.
    Posted by jenvalverde0580[/QUOTE]

    So the fact that I lived with my husband for 3 years before getting engaged would classify me as a "flavor of the week"?

    Classy.
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  • adamar15adamar15 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:3117f072-d649-42e2-833b-4878fbcdc7d7">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1's getting out of control! : Thanks - but we are only inviting the other half of the pair if they are engaged or married (in one instance been together for a long time and living together) because we can't have a bunch of extra seats for "flavor of the week" dates.  As much as we would love to be able to allow everyone to bring a date, we just don't have it in the budget.
    Posted by jenvalverde0580[/QUOTE]

    Oh, I didn't realize it was OK to judge the seriousness of your friend's relationships.  My bad.
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  • arrestclementinearrestclementine member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:3117f072-d649-42e2-833b-4878fbcdc7d7">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1's getting out of control! : Thanks - but we are only inviting the other half of the pair if they are engaged or married (in one instance been together for a long time and living together) because we can't have a bunch of extra seats for "flavor of the week" dates.  As much as we would love to be able to allow everyone to bring a date, we just don't have it in the budget.
    Posted by jenvalverde0580[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry but this is extremely rude to judge someone's relationship like that.... How would you like it if your FI was invited to a wedding but you were not because you were not yet engaged. 
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  • lbarr088lbarr088
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited April 2012
    If someone is in a serious relationship then technically that isn't a "flavor of the week."  Hell, I'd be pissed if after being with FI for 5 years before getting engaged made me a flavor of the week.  I consider flavor of the week like "Hey I have this wedding to go to and I'm going to go with this super hot chick I met one time."  That type of person doesn't need a +1 to begin with.  Serious relationships should have a +1.  

    Also, if they are living together but not engaged would you not invite them?  That's weird. 


    ETA:  I use the term "serious" relationship as in someone who is actually dating someone.  I don't mean it in a judge the level of seriousness of your friends because that is wrong.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:3117f072-d649-42e2-833b-4878fbcdc7d7">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1's getting out of control! : Thanks - but we are only inviting the other half of the pair if they are <strong>engaged or married</strong> (in one instance been together for a long time and living together) because we can't have a bunch of extra seats for <strong>"flavor of the week" dates</strong>.  As much as we would love to be able to allow everyone to bring a date, we just don't have it in the budget.
    Posted by jenvalverde0580[/QUOTE]

    So when my H and I were not engaged and had been dating for 9 years, would you have considered that "flavor of the week"?

    If a person is in a commited relationship then the SO needs to be invited.  If a person is single and just dating around then you do not have to give them a plus one.

    You should not judge someone's relationship according to what you believe is commited and not commited.  Even if a person has only been going out with someone for a few weeks but they consider themselves in a relationship their SO needs to be invited.

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  • Meegles4Meegles4 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:3117f072-d649-42e2-833b-4878fbcdc7d7">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1's getting out of control! : Thanks - but we are only inviting the other half of the pair if they are engaged or married (in one instance been together for a long time and living together) because we can't have a bunch of extra seats for "flavor of the week" dates.  As much as we would love to be able to allow everyone to bring a date, we just don't have it in the budget.
    Posted by jenvalverde0580[/QUOTE]

    So you're telling me that if my H and I were on your guest list 1.5 years ago, I would have been considered a "flavor of the week" and not been invited? Because, see, I'd been dating my H for nearly 4 years by that time, but we weren't engaged, nor were we married or living together.

    You may not have meant that offensively, but that's what it is. You shouldn't be judging your friend's relationships by stipulating that they must be living together/engaged/married to invite their bf or gf to your wedding.

    As for your specific question. Proper etiquette would have been to ask the CW whether he wanted to be invited alone or with his wife. I had a similar situation. A good friend was planning to divorce her husband. They weren't yet separated, and I debated over how to address her invitation. Eventually I asked and she said I should include both of them but likely she'd come alone. They ended up reconciling and both of them were at my wedding.

    Obviously, it's too late for this course of action. So now, you should make room for the wife. They're not divorced yet, who cares if they're separated. They're still technically married and thus a social unit if they want to be. Only they can judge the nature of their relationship and you need to stop doing that.
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    FI and I have been together 8 years and lived together for 7. That is not a flavor of the week.

    You need to greatly rethink this plan or you will have some very hurt family and friends.
    Lizzie
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Come on people everyone knows you are not serious until you are engaged or married. 















    /sarcasm






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • arrestclementinearrestclementine member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:df7d592d-69ff-4789-b6d3-f51d0b85556b">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]threadjack/ Amber- that bouquet is AMAZING!!! /end threadjack.
    Posted by Beaniebeach[/QUOTE]

    Thank you!  I was so proud of myself to have made it... not really a DIY'er
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  • Habs2HartHabs2Hart member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:3117f072-d649-42e2-833b-4878fbcdc7d7">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1's getting out of control! : Thanks -<strong> but we are only inviting the other half of the pair if they are engaged or married (in one instance been together for a long time and living together</strong>) because we can't have a bunch of extra seats for "flavor of the week" dates.  As much as we would love to be able to allow everyone to bring a date, we just don't have it in the budget.
    Posted by jenvalverde0580[/QUOTE]

    So anyone who isn't married, engaged or living with someone is a "flavour of the week". 

    Your theory sucks and is offensive.  
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  • lbarr088lbarr088
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    Also, being on the other end... it really is sucky when one person out of the couple is invited and the other isn't.  I went to plenty of weddings when FI and I were in a so-called "serious" (at least together for a year if not more) and it was only me that was invited.  It's really super sucky.  Don't do that to people.  If you can't accommodate people's relationship statuses cut your list down a bit so you can.
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  • LaBellaVita23LaBellaVita23 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I have a feeling we've heard the last from OP.  There is no way she can come back and defend her offensive "flavor of the week" statement.
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  • lbarr088lbarr088
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    What's your flavor, tell me what's your flavor...

    Ugh, get that out of my head please.
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  • adamar15adamar15 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:dc409ce3-e463-4994-abf3-b10420d0c07e">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a feeling we've heard the last from OP.  There is no way she can come back and defend her offensive "flavor of the week" statement.
    Posted by LaBellaVita23[/QUOTE]

    Shucks.
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  • Habs2HartHabs2Hart member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    The engaged, married or living together thing really pisses me off.

    What about the people who are dating and never live together because it goes against what they believe?  I think it's bullshit to have that category and keep people who are committed and serious off because they choose to live separately.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:89f39d41-7e3d-41b5-be33-cf5a7b5b44ff">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The engaged, married or living together thing really pisses me off. What about the people who are dating and never live together because it goes against what they believe?  I think it's bullshit to have that category and keep people who are committed and serious off because they choose to live separately.
    Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

    <div>::golf claps::</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • midgetthemightymidgetthemighty
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Guests wanting to bring their significant others? Oh the humanity!
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    True story: I had been dating my husband for about a year and a half when a wedding rolled around for my husband's friend.  My husband was the best man.  I was not invited because "we weren't engaged or married."

    I was pissed.  My husband was pissed. We were serious (we eventually got married), but our relationship was totally judged.

    Oh, and that wedding he was a Best Man for?  The couple divorced a year later.  My husband and I have been together for ten years.  Way to judge and have that backfire.

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  • amyelise25amyelise25 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    The co-worker is seperated and NOT in a serious relationship with the estranged wife.  So technically the estranged wife is currently the 'flavor of the week'.   If they are just hooking up at the time that the invitations go out, I would agree with the OP and NOT add a +1.  I agree in inviting +1's if there is a relationship established.  The current situation is a hook-up and not, IMO, a relationship.

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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:f100e094-75bd-4b48-84fe-8bf6a3ec1ce6">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The co-worker is seperated and NOT in a serious relationship with the estranged wife.  So technically the estranged wife is currently the 'flavor of the week'.   If they are just hooking up at the time that the invitations go out, I would agree with the OP and NOT add a +1.  I agree in inviting +1's if there is a relationship established.  The current situation is a hook-up and not, IMO, a relationship.
    Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]

    They were/are <em>married</em>.  I don't think you ever go back to being "flavor of the week" status if you currently are or ever were married to the person. 

    Also, who is to say that they aren't serious?  Maybe they are trying to work things out?  Maybe they want a certain relationship without the status of marriage?  Who the hell cares?

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  • Habs2HartHabs2Hart member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    Seperated = still legally married.  Often seperations do not end in divorce.  If he's still seeing his wife, I'd say that they aren't exes yet. 
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  • AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:f100e094-75bd-4b48-84fe-8bf6a3ec1ce6">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The co-worker is seperated and NOT in a serious relationship with the estranged wife.  So technically the estranged wife is currently the 'flavor of the week'.   If they are just hooking up at the time that the invitations go out, I would agree with the OP and NOT add a +1.  I agree in inviting +1's if there is a relationship established.  The current situation is a hook-up and not,<strong> IMO,</strong> a relationship.
    Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, well, IMO, and everyone else's opinion - they are <em>married, </em>so, they get invited together.  Plus who the hell are you to know what's happening behind closed doors?  Maybe they are reconciling.  FFS.  You suck.
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  • lbarr088lbarr088
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1s-getting-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:10a3731d-beb5-4d2d-bde5-c599f5f5bcc6Post:f100e094-75bd-4b48-84fe-8bf6a3ec1ce6">Re: +1's getting out of control!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The co-worker is seperated and NOT in a serious relationship with the estranged wife.  So technically the estranged wife is currently the 'flavor of the week'.   If they are just hooking up at the time that the invitations go out, I would agree with the OP and NOT add a +1.  I agree in inviting +1's if there is a relationship established.  The current situation is a hook-up and not, IMO, a relationship.
    Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think that is incredibly rude to call someone's separated wife "flavor of the week."  They are still married.  Just because they are separated does not mean that the relationship is over.  Sometimes people need that space to realign and get everything in order to save a relationship.  Separated =/= divorced. </div>
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