So what's in a name anyway?

rachellola77

Celebrating one week of marriage today and am still on the fence about what to do with my name. During the engagement I felt quite strongly about keeping my name and H was adamant that I change it. Several arguments happened due to this and this has been one of our major disagreements. His side was that he wouldn't feel married without it and that's what a wife does. My side was well it's my name and I like the one I've had for the past almost thirty years. Plus that's a shiitload of paperwork. Also my first name with his last name just didn't sound right this is a quick synopsis of several points on both sides

About a week before the wedding H resolved his feelings about the issue and told me he would accept whatever I decide. He's even spoken up afterwords when people ask telling them that I am keeping my name.

Now that we're married and all the wedding stress is gone I could see myself being happy either way. Been thinking about this strongly the last couple of days and am hoping to cure my indecisiveness before I go back to work in two days. Don't want to bring it up to H until I've finalized my decision since its been such a point of contention. While this isn't an etiquette question generally the ladies on this board give the best feedback.

Avion22

First of all, it's YOUR name and you should do what YOU want to do.  It sounds like you've been having a good think about it, and it's fine to take some time to decide what you want to do.   That way, once you've made your decision, you'll know it's the right one.  Even if it takes you years to decide, it's NEVER too late to decide to change your name.  So if in a month or a year or ten years you decide you want to, then you should have no problem doing it.

Also?  It's kind of a pain, but it's not really THAT bad, and it isn't a "mountain of paperwork" like a lot of people make it out to be.  One visit to the SS office, one to the DMV, phone calls to your banks/credit cards (maybe fax or scan/email your marriage certificate), and a trip to the HR office where you work, a form to ammend your passport.  IF/WHEN you decide to change your name, the paperwork really isn't that bad, so you can stop worrying about that part and focus on what is right for YOU.

AdeleDazeem

I chose to keep my name.  I can't shake this image of my parents thinking about my name, giving up names they loved because they didn't flow with my last name, and finally asking my older sister to make the final decision from their choices.  My middle name means something to me and I'm quite attached to my last name.  Legally changing it to something else filled me with dread.

Instead, I chose to be socially my husband's last name.  I happily answer to both.  HisLastName and MyLastName are definitely parts of who I am.

I'm not bothered that legally my husband and I don't share a name because socially I'm called that.  Some people know, some people don't.  Whatever.  I'm also not bothered by my children having his last name and me being the oddball.  Again, because socially I happily answer and will use his last name. 

cookie0803

Have you thought about taking on your maiden name as a middle name? If you can see yourself being happy with his last name, but still like yours, maybe that would be a good compromise.

HockeyFan4

When I applied for our my marriage license, I had to put what my name was going to be after the wedding.  I guess your state is different.

Anyway, I changed my name...it was pretty darn easy.  I have sort of slacked about getting some bills changed over, but pretty much everything was changed in a matter of a day or two.

JessAndTrav

Changing your name is a lot easier than you think. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to take his name, but I put it off for forever (like, maybe even a whole year) because everyone made it seem like it's SUCH a PITA, when it's really not.

Change your name only if you want to, as it's your choice, but if you're willing to change your name at all and you're planning to have kids, think about how if you don't change your name, you and your H will have to figure out which name they get.

You can always consider a hyphenated last name, or If your name is Susie Jones and his name is Bob Smith, then you can do the standard Susie Jones Smith, that way your name is still a part of you.

getaclue44

I guess I don't see a reason not to change my name. Technically...it's my father's name and wasn't my decision to begin with...but now that I get to choose I am going with my FI's name. I also don't feel like it is a decision that is mine alone. My FI's opinion is important and should be taken into account.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-whats-in-a-name-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20278367-3dd8-4b4e-8fda-08ab42d8aadePost:043a45f8-bc9d-4857-85ea-5881a83af6bf">Re:So what's in a name anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I don't see a reason not to change my name. Technically...it's my father's name and wasn't my decision to begin with...but now that I get to choose I am going with my FI's name. I also don't feel like it is a decision that is mine alone. My FI's opinion is important and should be taken into account.
Posted by jdandrea[/QUOTE]

<div>As I said, I was always down to change my name---and my reasons were similar to yours--it was my dad's last name, and I didn't have an attachment to it, and I felt like it was a way that I could honor our relationship.</div><div>
</div><div>A lot of people <em>don't</em> feel that way---but that was and is how I feel.</div><div>
</div><div>FTR, I dropped my last name all together. I was more attached to my middle name than my last name. </div>

NOLAbridealmost

I love Louisiana.  Here, either spouse can legally "use" either spouse's last name for legal documents, drivers license etc.   No paperwork. No fuss. If you get a divorce you can switch back to your maiden name. Again, no paperwork.   (The US SS administration is obviously different for passports, SS cards, etc). 

I use my husband's last name socially and I use mine professionally. I use my husband's name on FB so clients can't find me.  For separate property I use my name.  For joint property I use his name.  I happily answer to both.   

I guess not all states are as loosey-goosey as mine, but I just don't see the need to choose one.   I feel like both names are me. 

MyUserName1

It was super, super, super important to H that I change my name.  He said that's something he's always looked forward to.  I moved my maiden name to a second middle (I'm very attached to both).  I use just his last name officially, but at work and for theatre things, I use MaidenLN HsLN as if it were double barrelled. 

My first husband didn't care, so I kept my maiden name then.  People liked to argue with me about that fact.  I had a whole speech about how I wasn't property and the patriarchal society and everything.  One time I was so good that I got someone who thought it was dumb that I wasn't changing my name to decide that he didn't want his hypothetical future wife to change hers.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to Re:So what's in a name anyway?:[QUOTE]I guess I don't see a reason not to change my name. Technically...it's my father's name and wasn't my decision to begin with...but now that I get to choose I am going with my FI's name. I also don't feel like it is a decision that is mine alone. My FI's opinion is important and should be taken into account. Posted by jdandrea[/QUOTE]

I agree that the husband gets an opinion that should be considered, but ultimately it's MY name. I make the final choice.

mandi921vh

It is YOUR name and you should do with it what you want to. Originally I was going to keep my last name and DH really wanted me to take his (even though back when we were friends before we were dating we had a conversation about this and I was clear I was not going to change for my future husband). He eventually came around realizing it was MY name and he couldn't ask me to do something he wasn't going to do himself.

In the end DH and I both hyphenated out last names with mine first. It was the perfect compromise for us and our original plan in keeping our own last names resulted in our children having a hyphenated last name.  

Think about it for as long as you need to, wouldn't you rather wait 10 years to decide rather than make a quick decision and then regret it later? The paperwork isn't as much as people make it out to be, all paperwork can be found online and filled out beforehand. 

mbaete

Glad I found this thread, because I was planning on having this talk with FI on our 12 hour drive to Florida later this afternoon.

I am planning on making my maiden name my second middle name. I feel very attached to my current lastname, and I'm not sure that I am completely willing to give it up.

Summer2011Bride

Well I think you should do what you are comfortable with because it is your name. I have known some people who  legally change their last name but still use their maiden name professionally, especially if they've built up a following or clientele with that name, and then use their married name socially and for everything else. LIke a PP said you could always take your maiden as your middle name if you wanted a middle ground.

FWIW I didn't have a hard time changing my name either. After the SS office and DMV, it was just a lot of changing things as they came up. I changed work, our utilities, our cable, our bank and my major credit card right away. For other things, I kind fo changed when I used it. Like the first time I used my Gap CC and realized it was in my maiden I called up and got it changed, etc.

lyndausvi

I decided to add DH's name to my name without hyphens.  What a PITA that is.  I found out a lot of companies databases do not allow for that.  Now I have to check the following ways to see how I'm in the system

Mine His (the correct way)

Mine-His

MineHis 

Mine

His

It's gotten to the point that I just started dropping mine altogether and just use his unless it's something legal.   I always thought if anything I would drop his, but I found with time I actually like his last name.     

It's your name, do what you want.  If you are on the fence just keep your name and go by his name socially.  I know a lot of women who do that.   I even know a few men who go by their wife's names socially.

VeggieLove1022

I also pushed my maiden name to my second middle name and have found that it's been quite adventurous with some companies such as Lynda mentioned. My DL could only hold 3 names so my maiden got left out, another place pushed my maiden with my new last name, and quite a few have been hyphenating them. To me it's worth the trouble because I know that I still have my maiden, but just know sometimes it causes a headache.

J&K10910

As Joy did, I kept my maiden name and go by his name socially, sort of.  People call me by both, and neither bothers me (except for the people who refuse to acknowledge that I didn't legally change my name, and insist upon writing checks to Jessica H'slastname, etc).  People had way more of an issue with it than I expected, but most of them have since gotten over it.  I like it this way, and my H didn't care.  He was a little hurt at first when I told him I wasn't changing my name, but he agreed with my reasons and got over it. 

nextrightthing

Like PP, I agree that it is your decision.  What your H thinks matters, but it is ultimately your choice and he should learn to be okay with it.  FWIW, I totally understand the indecisiveness.  I can't decide at ALL....luckily we have a lot of time, but I still see myself struggling with this decision up until our marriage and after.  To add to the complications, I have a son whose last name is My Last Name hyphen His dad's last name.  So I don't really see tossing my name out altogether as an option at all. 

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-whats-in-a-name-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20278367-3dd8-4b4e-8fda-08ab42d8aadePost:746e3573-14e1-4eb2-b9bb-965b6ffec867">Re: So what's in a name anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]I decided to add DH's name to my name without hyphens.  What a PITA that is.  I found out a lot of companies databases do not allow for that.  Now I have to check the following ways to see how I'm in the system Mine His (the correct way) Mine-His MineHis  Mine His It's gotten to the point that I just started dropping mine altogether and just use his unless it's something legal.   I always thought if anything I would drop his, but I found with time I actually like his last name.      It's your name, do what you want.  If you are on the fence just keep your name and go by his name socially.  I know a lot of women who do that.   I even know a few men who go by their wife's names socially.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This, except when I started dropping, I dropped H's last name.  Also, while I changed mine with DMV and the bank, I never changed with SS so legally my last name is still just mine.</div><div>
</div><div>I dropped H's name once and for all about a year ago, maybe longer now, and couldn't be happier.

</div>

TheBaney

For me, with my estranged father and screw ups on his side of the family, I can't wait until I have a different name. But if circumstances were different, if I was actually invested in my name, then no way would I change it "because that's what a wife does." I remember one day at work, a girl was getting married and I asked if she was going to change her name and she said of course she was. For her husband, it was a sign of respect. So, I asked if it was a respect issue, then was he willing to take her name, to show respect for her? She was very confused. This saddens me.

gymchick05

I had a really hard time with this as well. We just had our 1st anniversary and I still go back and forth with it. I legally hypenated to add his name to mine. Socially I go by his last name and professionally by mine. The problem is I do a lot of media work, and since they use only my last name in publications/appearances, most people think I didnt change at all. My main reason for doing this was so that I could have some anonymity between my private life and work, but now I am feeling bad about it that no one thinks I changed it privately. H has never cared and was the one who wanted me to keep it the same. And I basically had to since I have name recognition in my field w my name.

So I think I will officially change to having it hypenated for my professional life too, because I now feel that it leaves him out a bit. In my state, you cant add a second middle name and I didnt want to change my middle name (its my mom's name) so this was kinda my only option.

But take your time. Im still unsure haha

Lisa50

Why the rush?  You seem to be putting pressure on yourself to make this decision right now.  Honestly, if it's not something you already knew before you met your H (I decided what I was going to do by the time I was 13 or 14), giving yourself one week after the wedding doesn't seem fair.

Give yourself a nice long timeline ... say, five years, and let simmer.  In the meantime, some people will call your Mrs. HisLastName whether you legally change your name or not.  As well, social letters and invitations will, more often than not, be addressed to Mr. & Mrs HisFirst HisLastName, so you'll definitely know what it feels like to hear that name.

And, I will tell you this, whether you change your name legally or not, you will find yourself being called Mrs. HisLastName.  Good luck with your decision.  Congratulations on your newly minted marriage.

tlc35

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-whats-in-a-name-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20278367-3dd8-4b4e-8fda-08ab42d8aadePost:1b94b6e8-1f79-471b-850c-d1c010d88b95">Re: So what's in a name anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]I love Louisiana.  Here, either spouse can legally "use" either spouse's last name for legal documents, drivers license etc.   No paperwork. No fuss. If you get a divorce you can switch back to your maiden name. Again, no paperwork.   (The US SS administration is obviously different for passports, SS cards, etc).  I use my husband's last name socially and I use mine professionally. I use my husband's name on FB so clients can't find me. =)  For separate property I use my name.  For joint property I use his name.  I happily answer to both.    I guess not all states are as loosey-goosey as mine, but I just don't see the need to choose one.   I feel like both names are me. 
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]
Well that is great info to know.  I'm feeling very indecisive about the whole think partially because of professional issues and my FI doesn't care anyway.  I think I may keep my maiden name legally and go by his name socially but still not really sure

becky659

I have kind of a cool situation which ended up making me feel fine about taking my H's last name.
His name is:
Pete Thomas Jones

And mine was Becky MyMiddle Thomas

Since my last name was the same as his middle name, we had natural representation of both names.  We're putting in the middle initial whenever possible.

We're going by Pete T. Jones and Becky T. Jones, and I'm going to attempt to keep my original middle name as well, but we'll see how that shakes out this week.  If it isn't too much of a pain,we'll likely do the same for our kids.

But OP, do whatever you feel best doing! My H was also touchy about the whole thing... although it turned out that he legitimately didn't realize that by taking his name, I might have to drop one of my names. After he knew that, he was a LOT more understanding.

MissRutig

This was also a big challenge for me. I am very proud of my last name and did not want to drop it completely. I come from a generation of all girls, so sadly our family name ends here when we marry off and change our names. I am taking my name as a second middle name. I know it wont be on a lot of my documents, but i still have the satisfaction of knowing it is still mine. My FI didn't care either way what i decided to do. He was very supportive of my choice, and even offered me a second born son with my last name if that's what i needed to be happy. lol.
Like PPs said, do what makes YOU happy. It is YOUR name and you should be called what you feel comfortable with.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-whats-in-a-name-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:20278367-3dd8-4b4e-8fda-08ab42d8aadePost:cfa2159e-be26-48a8-8ac4-7b9ef02f67e1">Re: So what's in a name anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you thought about taking on your maiden name as a middle name? If you can see yourself being happy with his last name, but still like yours, maybe that would be a good compromise.
Posted by cookie0803[/QUOTE]


So it's a compromise for her to... change her last name? Yeah, no.



Joy, I had the same issue. My first, middle and last names flow REALLY well together, and I know that was important to my parents when they chose my name. (And my middle name is a family name.) when I was born they weren't thinking, "Eh, she might change one or two someday, anway." That's a big reason I've always felt attached to my name. My parents did a good job. :)

scstar17

I'm excited to change mine, because I will finally have a last name people can pronounce! 

mizutamababy

Like PPs has to be your personal decision.

I changed my name and it was a PITA because I live overseas and had to have my mother file all the SS/DL paperwork for me.  Then I did a passport at name change at the embassy overseas which meant paying and submitting a bunch of documents for a new one since they the U.S. government no longer makes name addendums for free.  I also had to travel 6 hours round trip and make an appointment months in advance for it.  I've got the new passport and I'm now in the process of changing the name on my visa and green card.  Once I get that done I can finally change the name on my bank accounts/credit card.  So far it's been almost a year and I still don't have it all sorted.

As for changing your name domestically, I think it's pretty easy and quick.

I decided to change my name because I've never liked my last name and it's the last name of the family who adopted my grandfather, so not even a biologically related one.  It also makes life a little easier since my last name was a difficult for native English speakers- even more so for non-native speakers.  I don't his last name and my first name flow as well together, but it doesn't sound as strange to me now as it used to.