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Etiquette

Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!

My fiance and I have opted to have an adults only wedding. Absolutely no children will be allowed. We have chosen to do so for several reasons. One: While we love children, they are unpredictable, and we do not want to have to deal with the added stress of a tantrum or meltdown on our wedding day. Two: It is an evening wedding with an open bar, and we do not feel that is the right environment for children. Three: Allowing children would add 30+ people to our guest list. At roughly $100 a person, we cannot afford that added expense, especially since we are paying for the entire wedding without any help from our families.

The problem we are now having is that my fiance's mother doesn't agree with it and has said she is not coming to the wedding as a result. She has also taken it upon herself to call our guests with children to tell them we don't want kids at our wedding. This is something we had planned on doing before we sent out invitations, however, she has taken it upon herself to do this without getting our consent. We now have several people who are upset that we are not having kids at the wedding.

I really need some advice on how to handle this. This is a non-negotiable issue for us, so we will not be changing our decision, but I need some pointers on how to diffuse the situation, because what we have tried so far isn't working.

HELP!!!

Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!

  • Is your FMIL contributing to the wedding?  If so, she does have some say in the guest list.

    However, if she's not, stand your ground.  Call her bluff, I really doubt she'd miss her son's wedding over this.
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  • No, she is not contributing at all. As a matter of fact, she hasn't offered to help with anything at all but is being very quick to make demands. It's frustrating...
  • Thank you! I really appreciate the advice. I wish everyone could see it the way you do.
  • Is she helping financially at all? If she isn't, I'd ask your FI to sit her down for a "come to Jesus" talk. But please don't use the open bar as the reason you don't want kids. An adult reception is fine but using booze as the reason is a pretty BS one.
  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2012
    Tell your MIL that you'll miss her


    Unless she's picking up the bar tab, in which case she's just  being cheapo


    *damnit, edie always get in before me!
  • The open bar isn't the main reason, but it was a factor for my fiance. It didn't really matter to me, but that's his personal opinion.

    The come to Jesus talk idea might be a good idea. She's just a little difficult to talk to rationally, so I'm concerned about that as well :/

  • Stand your ground, since she's not paying.  As for the guests, also stand your ground, perhaps stress the "not right environment" if pushed for a precise reason, then politely tell them you understand if they can't make it and they will be missed.  Ruffling feathers is kinda part of the no kids wedding territory.  I'm having the same, with a single exception (his father is a single parent and is flying across country, and he's super quiet and mature).  I'm prepared for about ten guests to decline. C'est la vie.
  • In Response to Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!:
    Stand your ground, since she's not paying.  As for the guests, also stand your ground, perhaps stress the "not right environment" if pushed for a precise reason, then politely tell them you understand if they can't make it and they will be missed.  Ruffling feathers is kinda part of the no kids wedding territory.  I'm having the same, with a single exception (his father is a single parent and is flying across country, and he's super quiet and mature).  I'm prepared for about ten guests to decline. C'est la vie.
    Posted by likeadeadstar
    Don't do that.  It's patronizing.  I am perfectly capable of determining what is and is not an appropriate environment for my children.  If asked, simply tell your guests that you decided to have an adult only event, and if they can't make it, they'll be missed.  You don't owe them an explanation.
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  • Bleh, why do people have to be so meddlesome? I agree with the others, call her bluff. But I also don't think your FMIL needs to be calling people of her own volition and just spreading the information. If people ask, then fine. But if she's calling people up and saying, "Can you believe vgg isn't having kids?!" then that's just malicious and y'all need to talk with her.
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  • Sorry you're dealing with this. Stand your ground. You're perfectly in the right. I agree with others to call your FMIL's bluff. I'm sure that's easier said than done.
  • Everyone covered this. I just don't understand how so many brides know people who want to bring their kids to weddings. Never once have I been invited to an evening out and thought "this dress would look so much better with my toddler on my lap." Not once. That's my entirely unnecessary contribution to this thread.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!:
    Everyone covered this. I just don't understand how so many brides know people who want to bring their kids to weddings. Never once have I been invited to an evening out and thought "this dress would look so much better with my toddler on my lap." Not once. That's my entirely unnecessary contribution to this thread.
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show
    I can't think of one friend who even thinks their kids should be invited to a wedding (well, except if it's a sibling of the couple or something).   I would say it's regional (I grew up in the Delaware Valley), but DH is from NY and no one in his family assumes they are invited either.     

    Everyone I know books the babysitter before the invites even come out.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I believe that I brought ootdaught to one wedding.  She was not invited to the ceremony though.  She was 3
  • I swear I've read these posts before, like a month ago. Not in an "everyone always asks the same questions and gives the same responses" kind of way, but in a serious word-for-word, post-for-post, serious deja-vu kind of way! Am I losing my marbles?? Or is there any way possible this is some strange technical glitch? Serious question, but snark responses welcomed. :-D
  • I guess a lot of people run into this issue when they decide to not have kids at their wedding and a lot of people take that very personally. It makes no sense to me. I think you should just respect the couple's decision. Especially if you aren't footing any of the bill.
  • In Response to Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!:
    Everyone covered this. I just don't understand how so many brides know people who want to bring their kids to weddings. Never once have I been invited to an evening out and thought "this dress would look so much better with my toddler on my lap." Not once. That's my entirely unnecessary contribution to this thread.
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show
    For some people weddings are "family" events, and that includes family children.  There was actually a massive blow-out in my dad's family when I was around 5 because my uncle didn't allow children at his wedding.  It was viewed as an insult and a slight to the family.  Frankly, I think they just didn't like the woman he was marrying (she's now his ex, and she WAS a witch, in fairness) so they vented their anger on the kids issue, but at the time, the kids thing was a big deal and the entire family did, in fact, boycott my uncle's wedding.  OP, definitely call FMIL's bluff - you are well within your rights to exclude kids from your guest list - but be prepared that she might actually be dumb enough to choose this hill to die on.

    I don't mind kids at weddings, and there will probably be some at ours, but I don't really get why people completely lose their sh!t over their kids not being invited to things.
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  • WOW that was really rude of her!!  I would talk to her and tell her one that it was not her place to call all the guests with children and tell them that there are not going to be any children at the wedding.  I would let her know that since you decided upon the rule, you were going to call all the people with children and let them know yourself so it would seem more personal and less offensive than the whole "adults only please," line on invitations.

    I would also inform her of why you are doing this in a very nice way.  Just tell her that there is no way you can afford to pay for all the guests AND their children.  Also tell her about the fact that it is an evening event and there is an open bar.  If she seriously chooses not to come because of it that is just sad and petty and I am sure she will regret it for the rest of her life!!
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  • I was thinking the same thing Steph. I've never been to a wedding where kids weren't invited. I didn't even know people did that until I started posting here.
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  • I'm blunt, if people REALLY got in my face about their kids I would tell them if they are willing to pay for the kid at $100 a pop fine.
  • In Response to Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!:
    In Response to Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice! : I can't think of one friend who even thinks their kids should be invited to a wedding (well, except if it's a sibling of the couple or something).   I would say it's regional (I grew up in the Delaware Valley), but DH is from NY and no one in his family assumes they are invited either.      Everyone I know books the babysitter before the invites even come out.
    Posted by lyndausvi
    Parents thinking their precious little snowflakes are the center of everybody's universe definitely isn't regional.

  • If she is not helping to pay, then she has no say in the guest list.  It sounds like you and your fiance are on the same page about not wanting children at the wedding, so stand your ground.  I really doubt that she would miss her son's wedding day, so I would call her bluff and tell her that you two will miss her at the wedding.  I'm sure that she will come anyway.
  • In Response to Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!:
    I'm blunt, if people REALLY got in my face about their kids I would tell them if they are willing to pay for the kid at $100 a pop fine.
    Posted by mollyehren
    100% agree. If they were invited to a dinner banquet or lavish award ceremony they wouldn't bring the kids.
    Wedding date July 7, 2012
  • In Response to Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!:
    I was thinking the same thing Steph. I've never been to a wedding where kids weren't invited. I didn't even know people did that until I started posting here.
    Posted by whitsy

    Like you, the only weddings I've been to had every guest bring their kids.  So there were as many kids as adults. Holy hell. One wedding specifically the kids were running around the dance floor and even between the bride and groom during their first dance. They didn't seem to care at all, so to each their own I guess. The parents thought it was adorable.  
  • In Response to Re: Our "No Kid" Wedding Causing Drama. Need Advice!:
    Is she helping financially at all? If she isn't, I'd ask your FI to sit her down for a "come to Jesus" talk. But please don't use the open bar as the reason you don't want kids. An adult reception is fine but using booze as the reason is a pretty BS one.
    Posted by banana468
    This.  I'm okay with my kids not being invited, but i HATE that excuse too
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