Wedding Etiquette Forum

Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!

I am the mother of the groom who is in the Navy. My son got engaged in January 2012, and wanted to get married by late April before he deployed in June 2012. The bride was stressing out over the wedding plans that had to be put together in a short amount of time. She is estranged from her parents, so was planning it with her aunt. 
In February I asked her how the plans were going and offered to help, as all my family would have to fly to the wedding in CA (from MN) and we needed to know the date as soon as possible to make airline reservations/hotel. 
She said that they were still planning, "and we're really not in a hurry".
My son and her eloped to Las Vegas on 3/2/12. 3 couples of "her" closest friends were invited to go to Vegas with them, and attended the wedding.
No family was invited.
I was very hurt! We felt like we had been lied to!
I also believe that my Ex-husband had knowledge of what was going on, and was their "wedding crashers" that she was so happy about having (this was posted on FB).

When they called and told me about the elopement, I told them congratulations.
Should I have sent them a card? A present?

As far as I know they aren't registered anywhere. They said that there would be a "small reception for select friends and family" at a later date, which has now been cancelled.

Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!

  • i'd wait and see what develops next
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:1e5f4d81-f937-4709-9f86-a42147875427">Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am the mother of the groom who is in the Navy. My son got engaged in January 2012, and wanted to get married by late April before he deployed in June 2012. The bride was stressing out over the wedding plans that had to be put together in a short amount of time. She is estranged from her parents, so was planning it with her aunt.  <strong>In February I asked her how the plans were going and offered to help,</strong> as all my family would have to fly to the wedding in CA (from MN) and we needed to know the date as soon as possible to make airline reservations/hotel.  She said that they were still planning, "and we're really not in a hurry". <strong>My son and her eloped to Las Vegas on 3/2/12</strong>. 3 couples of "her" closest friends were invited to go to Vegas with them, and attended the wedding. No family was invited. I was very hurt! We felt like we had been lied to! I also believe that my Ex-husband had knowledge of what was going on, and was their "wedding crashers" that she was so happy about having (this was posted on FB). When they called and told me about the elopement, I told them congratulations. <strong>Should I have sent them a card? A present?</strong> As far as I know they aren't registered anywhere. They said that there would be a "small reception for select friends and family" at a later date, which has now been cancelled.
    Posted by kareokequeen63[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I get that you're upset, and you have every right to be disappointed. Unfortunately, you really didn't have a say in it. A couple can get married however, whenever, and wherever they want, as long as it's legal.</div><div>
    </div><div>As for the bolded at the bottom, SERIOUSLY? You wouldn't even get your son and his new wife a card or a gift? Normally, I'd say the obligation to send a gift lies with the ceremony invitation, but he's your SON. Why on earth wouldn't you get him a gift?

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:1e5f4d81-f937-4709-9f86-a42147875427">Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am the mother of the groom who is in the Navy. My son got engaged in January 2012, and wanted to get married by late April before he deployed in June 2012. The bride was stressing out over the wedding plans that had to be put together in a short amount of time. She is estranged from her parents, so was planning it with her aunt.  In February I asked her how the plans were going and offered to help, as all my family would have to fly to the wedding in CA (from MN) and we needed to know the date as soon as possible to make airline reservations/hotel.  She said that they were still planning, "and we're really not in a hurry". My son and her eloped to Las Vegas on 3/2/12. 3 couples of "her" closest friends were invited to go to Vegas with them, and attended the wedding. No family was invited. I was very hurt! We felt like we had been lied to! I also believe that my Ex-husband had knowledge of what was going on, and was their "wedding crashers" that she was so happy about having (this was posted on FB). When they called and told me about the elopement, I told them congratulations. Should I have sent them a card? A present? As far as I know they aren't registered anywhere. They said that there would be a "small reception for select friends and family" at a later date, which has now been cancelled.
    Posted by kareokequeen63[/QUOTE]

    Do they have good silver flatware?  That's what my dad gave me.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:9ca6f6ac-a9fb-48d9-9ad2-29e887a4d942">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Mother of the Groom left out of wedding! : I get that you're upset, and you have every right to be disappointed. Unfortunately, you really didn't have a say in it. A couple can get married however, whenever, and wherever they want, as long as it's legal. As for the bolded at the bottom, SERIOUSLY? You wouldn't even get your son and his new wife a card or a gift? Normally, I'd say the obligation to send a gift lies with the ceremony invitation, but he's your SON. Why on earth wouldn't you get him a gift?
    Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

    He said that they were having a reception in December. I was going to bring a gift to the reception. They have now cancelled the reception, so I will send something, but when you are not told about anything, including where they are registered, it's kinda difficult to send a present.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:fdd66a26-591e-4029-82b1-45fbfc84cb92">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding! : He said that they were having a reception in December. I was going to bring a gift to the reception. They have now cancelled the reception, so I will send something, but when you are not told about anything, including where they are registered, it's kinda difficult to send a present.
    Posted by kareokequeen63[/QUOTE]

    <div>I completely understand that you're pissed. I would be, too. You have every right to be. </div><div>
    </div><div>I think my mom would at least have sent me a card. As for presents, many people don't have registries, and people still manage to buy for them. Is there anything they need? Sheets? Towels? Garden hose?</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:fdd66a26-591e-4029-82b1-45fbfc84cb92">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding! : He said that they were having a reception in December. I was going to bring a gift to the reception. They have now cancelled the reception, so I will send something, but when you are not told about anything, including where they are registered, it's kinda difficult to send a present.
    Posted by kareokequeen63[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's your son.  You don't need a registery.  None of the gifts we got from our moms were from the registery.  Unless you don't know them well enough to go off registery, which might explain things.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:dcdaf591-0bb5-41d1-a5f3-71b00d801c30">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding! : It's your son.  You don't need a registery.  None of the gifts we got from our moms were from the registery.  Unless you don't know them well enough to go off registery, which might explain things.
    Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is what I was trying to say before TK ate my post. </div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I understand you're pissed. You have every right to be.</div>
  • I don't think you have a lot of say in this situation. You are talking about two adults. They can get married however they choose and invite whomever they choose. I get this wasn't what you had hoped for, and as a mom, you are sad you didn't get to see your son get married, at least that's what I think you were trying to get at. However, they didn't do anything wrong by eloping in Vegas. Your son is leaving for deployment in I'm guessing less than a month since you said June 2012. Instead of being angry, take this time to let him know what he means to you and be happy for him and his new wife.

    If they did lie to you, that I would say you can be angry about. The lie itself, not what they lied about.

    Unless you have offered to host (and pay for) the reception, you also have no right to say anything about them cancelling it. Do you know why? Was it for financial reasons? Maybe things are tight for them, or maybe your new DIL has plans to move with your son wherever he is stationed. I think you could maybe approach this subject with them, however, if you are not in the position to host it, you can't really argue it either.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:dcdaf591-0bb5-41d1-a5f3-71b00d801c30">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding! : It's your son.  You don't need a registery.  None of the gifts we got from our moms were from the registery.  Unless you don't know them well enough to go off registery, which might explain things.
    Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

    <div>TK keeps eating my post. This is what I was trying to get at.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I really get that you're pissed. You have every right to be. </div>
  • mica178mica178 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Presents are never necessary.  

    I get that you are upset.  And I don't blame you.  Hopefully, your son and daughter-in-law know better than to expect a gift from you since they didn't invite you to the wedding.  But if you want to send them a gift for their nuptials, it's never wrong to do so.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:61c40fba-74c3-4c7a-b3fc-f030b36f00fb">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Presents are never necessary.   I get that you are upset.  And I don't blame you.  Hopefully, your son and daughter-in-law know better than to expect a gift from you since they didn't invite you to the wedding.  But if you want to send them a gift for their nuptials, it's never wrong to do so.
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    Our family has always celebrated and rejoiced at weddings, and we all were looking forward to going to the ceremony. We feel like we were slapped in the face when "her friends" were invited to see the cerremony, and we weren't.
    All they would have had to say was that the plans weren't coming together, and they were going to Vegas, just the two of them.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:9351e370-9cfe-4f71-8029-2b5b98672bcf">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding! : Our family has always celebrated and rejoiced at weddings, and we all were looking forward to going to the ceremony. We feel like we were slapped in the face when "her friends" were invited to see the cerremony, and we weren't. All they would have had to say was that the plans weren't coming together, and they were going to Vegas, just the two of them.
    Posted by kareokequeen63[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm on side MOG here, for this very reason.  Yes, we're all entitled to marry exactly how and when we see fit because we're adults.  But we also all came from a family and when we purposely choose our friends over our families, we are quite clearly telling our families where our priorities are.</div><div>
    </div><div>This couple told their families there would be a wedding to which family and friends would be invited. The couple then decided to marry in a way that excluded their families and didn't tell the families until after the fact, while letting their friends in on the big secret and actually inviting some of them.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • OP, my heart goes out to you. I understand why you would be so hurt and sad by their choice, but it was exactly that, their choice. I would try your best to move on and not strain the relationship too much.

    As for a gift, I think you should do what you feel comfortable with, but I wouldn't not give them a gift just to be spiteful. 
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:9351e370-9cfe-4f71-8029-2b5b98672bcf">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding! : Our family has always celebrated and rejoiced at weddings, and we all were looking forward to going to the ceremony. We feel like we were slapped in the face when "her friends" were invited to see the cerremony, and we weren't. All they would have had to say was that the plans weren't coming together, and they were going to Vegas, just the two of them.
    Posted by kareokequeen63[/QUOTE]

    I get it.  To me, eloping is really just the couple running off and getting married.  Your son and daughter in law eloped but invited others to witness their marriage, so I can understand why you are hurt.  I would never choose friends over family.

    Keep the peace, however, and buy them a gift.
  • I don't think you're giving your son enough credit. Without more details, I think it's unfair to say the couples were all "her" friends. Do you think your DIL called all the shots? Refused to let your son have a say in the wedding? Refused to let him invite "his" friends? While these couples, or members of these couples, may have started as "her" friends, it's also likely that over the course of your son's relationship with DIL they became "their" friends.

    I wouldn't be so quick to absolve your son of his decision. He, along with his wife, decided on who to invite and who not to invite. He okayed those guests too.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:f1914902-1d45-42c5-a1c9-5b5d2f52bc94">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think you're giving your son enough credit. Without more details, I think it's unfair to say the couples were all "her" friends. Do you think your DIL called all the shots? Refused to let your son have a say in the wedding? Refused to let him invite "his" friends? While these couples, or members of these couples, may have started as "her" friends, it's also likely that over the course of your son's relationship with DIL they became "their" friends. I wouldn't be so quick to absolve your son of his decision. He, along with his wife, decided on who to invite and who not to invite. He okayed those guests too.
    Posted by cpblanco[/QUOTE]

    <div>I was thinking the same thing.  You seem to have a lot of anger toward your DIL.  Is there something else going on?  Did you not like her before?  Or maybe I'm just reading into it because for years my MIL blamed me for "corrupting" my H.</div><div>
    </div><div>I get being hurt, I really do, but you sound very spiteful and as if you are out to get her/them. </div>
  • eoreaeorea member
    First Comment
    edited May 2012
    In Response to Re:Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!:In Response to Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!:I don't think you're giving your son enough credit. Without more details, I think it's unfair to say the couples were all "her" friends. Do you think your DIL called all the shots? Refused to let your son have a say in the wedding? Refused to let him invite "his" friends? While these couples, or members of these couples, may have started as "her" friends, it's also likely that over the course of your son's relationship with DIL they became "their" friends. I wouldn't be so quick to absolve your son of his decision. He, along with his wife, decided on who to invite and who not to invite. He okayed those guests too.Posted by cpblancoI was thinking the same thing. nbsp;You seem to have a lot of anger toward your DIL. nbsp;Is there something else going on? nbsp;Did you not like her before? nbsp;Or maybe I'm just reading into it because for years my MIL blamed me for "corrupting" my H.I get being hurt, I really do, but you sound very spiteful and as if you are out to get her/them.nbsp; Posted by DramaGeek This! I am right there with both of you. You also mentioned she is estranged from her parents. My mom and most of my immediate family passed away when I was still a teenager. I have no relationship with my father. All I have are a few close friends. I don't consider them "friends". They are my family. My H also considers them family. My MIL was really bitter I invited my "friends" while leaving some of her family off the guest list. Maybe I'm reading too much into this too because of my situation but it really hurt when she told H family is more important than her friends. My friends are all I have because my family is gone. Maybe her and your son feel the same way. I'm probably just getting sensitive because of my situation but you really seem to blaming your DIL when it was your son's decision too. It's time to get over it. Wish them well and move on. I know it hurts. I'd be upset if my daughter eloped without telling me too but I'd get over it if she was truly happy. My MIL stayed bitter about that and other things. She hates me and blames me for everything. She is no longer in our lives because of it. Don't let that happen to you.
    image
  • I'm sorry your feelings were hurt when your son eloped to Vegas.  If my daughter had done that, I'd be beside myself until the shock wore off.
    That said, it's been almost three months since the wedding and you have as yet to send them so much as a card?  That does not bode well for a good relationship with your son and DIL.   Even though you weren't at the wedding, they are still married, and she will be your DIL from now on whether you like it or not.

    The gracious thing to do would be to host a party in their honor in your home town for your friends and relatives before your son deploys.  This would go a long way toward putting the whole relationship on a better footing.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-groom-left-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36883d6b-4cb2-48e6-9e68-189dabef20aePost:8e8e85e2-6c54-4ce8-ae4f-047f29731298">Re: Mother of the Groom left out of wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry your feelings were hurt when your son eloped to Vegas.  If my daughter had done that, I'd be beside myself until the shock wore off. That said, it's been almost three months since the wedding and you have as yet to send them so much as a card?  That does not bode well for a good relationship with your son and DIL.   Even though you weren't at the wedding, they are still married, and she will be your DIL from now on whether you like it or not. <strong>The gracious thing to do would be to host a party in their honor in your home town for your friends and relatives before your son deploys.  This would go a long way toward putting the whole relationship on a better footing.</strong>
    Posted by weddingmuse[/QUOTE]

    <div>I completely disagree. She does not have to throw them a party. I think that is extreme given that she didn't attend their ceremony. Though, OP, I do have to say I think you're letting your son get away with his part and you're blaming DIL. </div>
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