Old Classmate Assumes (Wrongly) That She's On The Guest List?

bumblebee1018

A junior high classmate of mine has asked several times (all via Facebook) when my wedding is so she can be sure to work out coming from UT to IL for it. She is not actually on the guest list, and I don't know how to tell her that. I went to her reception last year (one of several 200+ guest receptions), but my FI and I are paying for everything and have 100 people to invite just from our families. We simply don't have the room in our venue or budget to "just go ahead and add one more". How do I tell her she isn't invited when I haven't actually spoken to her since congratulating her at her own wedding a year ago?

DramaGeek

"Unfortunately, we won't be able to invite everyone we'd like to."

bumblebee1018

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-classmate-assumes-wrongly-that-shes-on-the-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39527bdc-f9ed-41db-b9ca-ac51090eb757Post:5090672f-1248-413a-a3dd-d08886dcdfba">Re:Old Classmate Assumes Wrongly That She's On The Guest List?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is why you don't talk about your wedding on Facebook.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I haven't been. My friends have been doing PLENTY of that for me..........

kmmssg

Well, first off, take DramaGeek's advice and use that phrase.  Second, talk to your friends and tell them their wedding chatter on facebook is causing problems and ask them to stop.  If they are your friends, they should understand.

freebread03

If people are posting things on your facebook page, you should be taking it down immediately, and if your friends are chatting about it somehow in their own status updates, then you should ask them to take it down.  There's no excuse for blasting facebook with wedding stuff.

Tell your friend that unfortunately, you are not able to invite all the friends you would have liked and you're looking forward to seeing her next time you're in UT.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-classmate-assumes-wrongly-that-shes-on-the-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39527bdc-f9ed-41db-b9ca-ac51090eb757Post:5464ca08-0ae7-4ee4-bbfa-c1ace2b59049">Re: Old Classmate Assumes (Wrongly) That She's On The Guest List?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's a simple conversation in which you tell her due to budget you are keeping the size of the wedding down. <strong>And as far as I'm concerned talk all about your wedding on FB. It's an exciting time. FB is a place where people share things about their lives.</strong>
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]


Kinda how I feel too. Plus, I assume everyone here changed their relationship status to "engaged" from "single" right? You put annoucements in the paper right? People are going to know you're planning a wedding wether you update about it everyday or not.

Just let people know they aren't on your guest list. For whatever reason you didn't feel like this friend needed to be there (and no judgement on that) while it seems like some mutual friends of you guys were invited (if that's truly how she's getting updates). Just stick to your decision and tell her politley she isn't invited.

MeganMichele1989

Totally agree with scribe... Don't taunt those people you're not inviting by talking to them about the wedding but just let her know (sooner rather than later) that's it's just going to be a small intimate family kind of thing. Blame it on the recession lol

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-classmate-assumes-wrongly-that-shes-on-the-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39527bdc-f9ed-41db-b9ca-ac51090eb757Post:01f7eeb7-e08d-47d4-82fe-5471284e8df9">Re:Old Classmate Assumes Wrongly That She's On The Guest List?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Old Classmate Assumes Wrongly That She's On The Guest List? : I haven't been. My friends have been doing PLENTY of that for me..........
Posted by bumblebee1018[/QUOTE]

Tell your friends to stop and monitor your page for further incidents of this.  And take them down yourself.

As far as this old classmate goes, DramaGeek has a good line.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-classmate-assumes-wrongly-that-shes-on-the-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39527bdc-f9ed-41db-b9ca-ac51090eb757Post:f489464e-3246-4538-93dd-f74ae93262cb">Re:Old Classmate Assumes Wrongly That She's On The Guest List?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Old Classmate Assumes Wrongly That She's On The Guest List?: Actually, no we didn't put anything in the paper, though I fail to see how that is the same. <strong>It's the same in that people who aren't invited will see you are planning a wedding. </strong>Announcing you are engaged is fine, because telling people not invited to the wedding is fine. But you, hopefully, wouldn't sit and talk about all of your wedding plans with someone who wasn't invited to it over lunch, so why would you do it online?<strong> I dunno about you, but plenty of people have asked me things like "How's the wedding planning going?" as a form of small talk and they know they aren't invited. I'm not going to respond with "you don't need to know because you aren't coming." Making small mentions of whatever I'm planning when asked has helped me out a ton as far as local vendor recommendations. </strong> For whatever reason, people don't seem to get that posting on Facebook is the same as making whatever comment you type directly to every person you are "friends" with. Simple rule of social networking, if you wouldnt say it at a dinner party with all your "friends" there in attendance, don't post it. <strong>See, you WOULD mentioned something about your wedding at a dinner party with all your friends attending. </strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I'm not advocated for daily updates or for facebook polls about what dress you should buy, but I see no harm in a BM leaving an occasional message on your wall about it.

All your FB friends KNOW you are getting married already.

Lisa50

Don't tell her.  When she does not receive an invitation, she'll figure it out.  BUT ... stop communicating re: the wedding on FB.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-classmate-assumes-wrongly-that-shes-on-the-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:39527bdc-f9ed-41db-b9ca-ac51090eb757Post:fb221d53-13cd-4c6e-be2c-c934c334e317">Re: Old Classmate Assumes (Wrongly) That She's On The Guest List?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think most adults understand when I post on FB about finding a great florist etc. that I'm not invited all 500 of my social media friends. Jeez.
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

I bet you're right, most adults have that understanding.  Unless you're inviting all 500 of your social media "friends," I bet there are one or two of them who want an invitation that are not on your guest list.  And, whether you intend to or not, you're encouraging that desire by posting wedding updates to all 500 of them.

StephJean83

I know someone that simply by me changing my relationship status to "engaged" thought it was an invite. In all honestly, had I gotten married 8/10 yrs ago, I might have invited him. At that time we both were actively involved in a young adult church group and saw each other regularly. Now that I'm planning my wedding, only the people I still maintain relationships with IRL vs social media from that group will be invited. My FH has a rather large family and was in a Fraternity in college and still maintains close relationships with his fellow brothers whereas after the group disbanded I lost contact with many of them. I think FB is a doubleedge sword, some see relationship status change and assume its an invite. Others see it, congratulate their friend and go on with their own life. Some BG's post a lot and others post next to nothing, I think most people who share do share the same info IRL, they just might forget they have the odd friend from the past they never see but still like to catch up them occassionally.

Summer2011Bride

To me, if you insist on posting a ridiculous amount of wedding info on a social networking site, then you can't complain about people getting hurt by it (this is not directed at OP but anyone doing this). Why do people feel the need to put EVERY little thing happening in their life on places like FB? Changing status to engaged? Sure, I get that. Maybe posting the day you buy your wedding dress? I can see that.

But seriously. I have friends posting multiple reminders on FB to have their guests RSVP on time, going even so far as to hand out threats to these guests via FB. That is so tacky and rude. Not only does it emphasize the people you are NOT inviting but it is just never a proper way to handle communicating about an issue like this, which could be done via phone, text, or private mssage on FB if nothing else. Why does every thought in someone's head need to be published to a news feed on FB?

Also, sometimes you need to think about those people you are hurting by doing stuff like this. They are not "idiots" just because you're blasting your wedding info all over FB and they like you, are friends with you, and wish they were invited but are not. Every single time you post an update about your wedding, it emphasizes that they aren't invited. How does that make THEM the idiot? Just like I wouldn't walk up to a group of people and start talking about a party I'm throwing that they're all not invited, so too I wouldn't rub it in on a social networking site. That's just courtesy.

wawbrey

I am on the "posting a couple things is no biggie, posting weekly countdowns, polls, etc. is a big NO" bus, but I get why not posting anything is helpful. A fb friend got married several months ago, and the ONLY post she made was about getting their marriage license. At that point, her friends obviously knew whether or not they were invited. She still had three women joke that their invite must have got lost in the mail. So... Know your friend lists before you post!

sparkles776

I think other ladies have given you good advice, but I would tell her sooner rather than later so she doesnt go ahead and arrange anything and I think it would be better for you to tell her in advance instead of just not sending her an invite. I also completely agree with not posting a lot of wedding related stuff on facebook, honestly, no one give an f if you found your florist.

Summer2011Bride

And OP: Definitely start getting rid of friends' posts about your wedding. You can remove any post on your wall and untag yourself in any post where you are tagged. Beyond this, definitely explain to these friends that, while you're flattered they are so excited about your wedding, to please refrain from talking about it on FB because not all your FB friends are invited, and you don't want hurt feelings.

arco13

I agree with all those who say not to spam facebook with wedding news, but the very act of changing the relationship status can sometimes be enough to draw lots of these types of people, mostly just because facebook makes such a BFD about it. These days, when someone gets engaged, it takes up the full page on their timeline, and facebook has started adding an announcement saying "so and so got engaged" where it puts birthday announcements. Even if someone isn't AWing all over the place, Facebook kind of does it for you.

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-classmate-assumes-wrongly-that-shes-on-the-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:39527bdc-f9ed-41db-b9ca-ac51090eb757Post:153c1705-7497-490e-8f01-2880eb482718">Re: Old Classmate Assumes (Wrongly) That She's On The Guest List?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with all those who say not to spam facebook with wedding news, but <strong>the very act of changing the relationship status can sometimes be enough to draw lots of these types of people, mostly just because facebook makes such a BFD about it. These days, when someone gets engaged, it takes up the full page on their timeline, and facebook has started adding an announcement saying "so and so got engaged" where it puts birthday announcements</strong>. Even if someone isn't AWing all over the place, Facebook kind of does it for you.
Posted by arco13[/QUOTE]

I have many people on my friend list that as soon as my status went from "in a relationship with FH to engaged to FH" people were posting on my wall, on his wall about when it would be and if they would be invited. I had someone tell me that if I want some people to come, that I have to hold the wedding in a IL because it would just be easier for them to come vs coming to WI(where I live) because of child care and driving. I had one person send me HER guest list of who I have to invite(her mom, brothers and SILs, her nieces/nephews and some good friends of hers that I've never meet because she wants all these people to see her as my MOH which I ignored her saying that because I don't plan on asking her to be in my wedding but I have heard from mutual friends that she took me not replying as yes she is my MOH and all those people will be invited).

I changed my status pre timeline of FB but I noticed that when a friend of FH and mine had gotten married a couple months ago, for about 2/3 weeks where it says birthdays and all, they had "G and T got married, write their walls and congratulate them". He had 4 friends get married and 2 or 3 get engaged and at least 1 friend start a relationship around the same time so for about 2 months he had a rolving door of "relationship announcements" by his birthday announcements.

But I'm totally on the bus of "posting somethings are ok but spamming your wall with posts daily/hourly/as you do them" seems to AWing and just setting yourself up for drama/hurt feelings. I'm totally the person who ON my friend/family member's wedding day is like, "Going to chapel and they're gonna get married. Going to the chapel and they're gonna get married. Going to the chapel of love!! Congrats to the new Mr and Mrs Lastname of their marriage. Can't wait to celebrate with you later!" At that point, the guest list is determined for that couple and their friends/family usually know they are getting married.

As a PP said about someone talking about needing RSVP's and by what date, I know someone who did the same thing. She had a courthouse wedding on a Friday and apps and drinks at her mom's house on Saturday during the day. She kept posting for weeks about needing to know and so many people were like, "I'm coming send me the address" and she was like, "I sent the people invites, it's not an open invite to everyone we know!"