Etiquette

How to tell people they are not invited

Re: How to tell people they are not invited

  • Ditto Duds - spread the word that you're having a small intimate ceremony.  Leave it at that.  Don't justify who's paying what, or anything.  Just tell anyone that what you've always dreamed about is a small intimate ceremony and repeat as often as necessary.

    The reception is actually a thank you to the guests for attending your ceremony.  It is very rude to invite people to the ceremony and not the reception.  It's like saying "hey, come watch me get married, and probably bring me a gift, but I can't even be bothered to host you for a meal - thanks a bunch".  

    Popular opinion here is that it is also rude to invite a bunch of people to a reception (where they probably will bring a gift) but not invite them to see the ceremony that the reception is in honor of unless the reception is truly private - immediate family (parents and siblings only).  Really, the two parts - ceremony and reception - should be together with the same people invited to both.  For the larger party at home, I'd plan it more like a party and less like a wedding.  I woudln't wear the white dress again, or do any first dances or bouquet tosses or anything.  You could have a table with wedding pictures for people to peruse if they so choose, but I'd downplay the "wedding' aspect and play up the "party" aspect.

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    In Response to How to tell people they are not invited:
    We have decided together that we are having a small ceremony of only 20 people (our immediate family and a few of our closest friends). We aren't inviting any extended family. My side is not an issue but my fiancee's side I know will put up a big stink. He comes from a very wealthy and affluent background. His parents have offered to help pay for the wedding. We have talked at length the type of wedding we want and it comes down to we want a small wedding destination wedding. We are both private people and don't want to say vows infront of 50 or more people. We want it to be personal and intimate so we can really have fun with those invited rather than a lot of small talk with x amount of people. breaking the news that we are not having a big wedding is going to cause a huge stink on my fincee's side of the family. His extended family and we are not talking second and third cousins we are talking first cousins and aunts and uncles makes about 70 people and then if you include my family it's well over 100 people. We are anticipating alot of well aren't your parents paying, or I'll pay my own way im not going to miss out on this wedding, and or just alot of blacklash and angry emails. Oh and I forgot to mention my fiancee is the first of all the children to be getting married. I know that no matter what type of wedding you have not everyone is happy. Oh and we are throwing a reception when we come back home for everyone but it's the ceremony that is the "important" part which people are not being invited and I know it's generlly the other way around invite tons to the ceremony but not all to the reception.  HELP!!!
    Posted by kailleet13
    Uh no, it's not generally that way.  That way is extremely rude and inappropriate.



  • Because you're saying that his family will raise a stink, aren't you kind of sending a double message by doing the private ceremony and then inviting them to a large celebration after you excluded them from the "most important part"?   And this part  We want it to be personal and intimate so we can really have fun with those invited rather than a lot of small talk with x amount of people doesn't really make sense to me.  You're still going to have to make "small talk" with them at the celebration.   IDK, it just kind of comes across as rubbing it in since you KNOW they're going to be upset about the ceremony anyway.   Personally, I think you're better off keeping your intimate ceremony and an intimate reception dinner for all the people at the ceremony and then ending it there.  I wouldn't do a wedding celebration on a different day.

    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

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  • So you are planning a small destination wedding, and are wanting to have an AHR later, correct?  Are you hosting a small reception immediately following your ceremony for those at the DW (even just taking everyone out for dinner)?

    Typically, an AHR is for people who were invited to the wedding, but couldn't make it due to expenses/time off/etc.  Inviting people to an AHR who are not invited to the wedding comes off as gift grabby because it says "hey, I didn't want you at my wedding, but here's a consolation price party where you can still bring me gifts".  Even if that's not what you are intending by it, that's how some people may interpret it.

    Honestly, I'd just go with the DW, skip the AHR, and just (have him) tell his family "we've decided on a small destination wedding, I know you'll understand and we look forward to seeing you at (next family get together after the wedding)" and leave it at that.  It's none of their business who is paying, why you want a small wedding, etc. and giving them 'excuses' usually opens you up their suggestions on how they can be included anyways.
    Anniversary
  • I would skip the AHR unless his family truly insists on it and you have to compromise.  Otherwise it sends mixed messages about wanting a private affair and can come off as gift grabby.
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