Wedding Etiquette Forum
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Guest List Etiquette?

I have a huge family. Lot's of aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, etc. My fiance has a very very small family that is distant and out of town so he will probably only have his parents and brother attend. Our reception venue, a picnic pavilion, has limited seating and we have a VERY low budget (hence the picnic pavilion!) We have a two year old, so we are having a very casual, low-key reception at a local park and want kids to be there as well. The struggle is, my family is very close and, for the most part, I visit with and enjoy the company of 6 great aunts and uncles and their spouses and kids and grandkids, etc. I just can't afford to feed all of them! My mother insists that you have to invite family in levels. So, if I invite one 3rd cousin, I have to invite them all. Is this the case? I play cards and talk regularly with one of my third cousins and his family, but not his brothers and sisters (who do live in town and attend all family functions, we just aren't close). I don't want to cause a family fued, hurt any one's feelings, or come across as rude. Do I just not invite my one third cousin to avoid the 50 extra people my mother insists have to come along with him? Please help!

Re: Guest List Etiquette?

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    Agree with PP.  Only you know your family and family dynamic well enough to tell if you can get away with inviting some, but not all, extended family members.  You don't say what type of reception you are planning to have, but you could always look into having a non-meal time reception and serving cake and punch, rather than having a full meal for all of your guests.  this might stretch your budget a bit more, although I know it doesn't help with the limited seating.  (But perhaps if you did a cake and punch reception you could rent some additional chairs?)
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    We didn't invite in tiers; we invited only people we see and talk to on a regular basis, even if they were family members. My husband and I are close with some family members and not with others, and we knew there would be no hurt feelings from anyone not getting invited, so that worked fine for us. Everyone's family is different, and only you know which kind yours is. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    In Response to Re:Guest List Etiquette?:[QUOTE]I think in this situation, the third cousins who are not local would understand.nbsp; I know I would. Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
    She stated that at least some of the other third cousins are local.

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    My family invites in tiers  up to first cousins.  So aunt,uncles,their children and spouses all get invited.  After that it's all on who you hang out with on a regular basis.  

    My family is huge also and it's never been an issue. We all know everyone can't be invited.  No one thinks twice about 3rd cousin who you play card with gets an invite when 3rd cousin who you haven't seen in years isn't.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    SJM7538SJM7538 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-etiquette-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:424f7b83-a7ad-4f11-8195-36d7be2c3503Post:e4d5460d-b9b2-48ec-9a3d-71d64a031933">Guest List Etiquette?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a huge family. Lot's of aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, etc. My fiance has a very very small family that is distant and out of town so he will probably only have his parents and brother attend. Our reception venue, a picnic pavilion, has limited seating and we have a VERY low budget (hence the picnic pavilion!) We have a two year old, so we are having a very casual, low-key reception at a local park and want kids to be there as well. The struggle is, my family is very close and, for the most part, I visit with and enjoy the company of 6 great aunts and uncles and their spouses and kids and grandkids, etc. I just can't afford to feed all of them! My mother insists that you have to invite family in levels. So, if I invite one 3rd cousin, I have to invite them all. Is this the case? I<strong> play cards and talk regularly with one of my third cousins and his family, but not his brothers and sisters (</strong>who do live in town and attend all family functions, we just aren't close). I don't want to cause a family fued, hurt any one's feelings, or come across as rude. Do I just not invite my one third cousin to avoid the 50 extra people my mother insists have to come along with him? Please help!
    Posted by cole2585[/QUOTE]


    I don't think you need to invite of all your third cousins. However, I wouldn't split up a family. If you invite the cousin that you play cards with regularly then I would invite his brothers and sisters as well.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-etiquette-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:424f7b83-a7ad-4f11-8195-36d7be2c3503Post:dadc2f0d-b29b-4b60-83cd-2363a601cbe2">Re: Guest List Etiquette?</a>:
    [QUOTE]How old are these cousins?  I think the not splitting up siblings rule pretty much goes by the wayside once they become adults, so assuming they are all grown ups, I'd just invite the cousin you hang out with and not worry about it.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    This may depend on family dynamics. Most of my cousins are grown but I know it would cause drama if I invited one but didn't include siblings.
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    I feel like this isn't a 3rd cousin this is a friend.  You're not inviting him because he's a distant relative you're inviting him because he's your good friend that you see and spend time with regularly.  To me that makes a big difference vs cousins you see equally but just like one more, or something.

    Like PP said - etiquette-wise it's fine.  Only you can know if there will be backlash with your specific family, but I'd hope if he's the only one invited they'd realize it's because you're very close.  And honestly I'd imagine there being LESS backlash if he's truly the only one vs inviting all his siblings but not all the other cousins on the same tier.
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    I wasn't thinking third cousin I guess.

    First cousins I could see there being backlash but not third.

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    Lot's for me to think about here. Thank you all so much for your opinions! I'm excited to at least show my mom that it isn't as cut and dry as she sees it.
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    I have 63 first cousins on my mother's side of my family.  Another 12 on my father's side and my fiancee has almost as big of a family.

    We're inviting whomever we want...and will probably have a total guest count around 200 (which includes our friends)  There's no way in our families that we could invite in 'tiers' and no go bankrupt or into debt and I refuse to go into debt for a wedding.

    Do what works for you and your fiancee.   Its your wedding!
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