bridesmaid ditching bachelorette party

ashleyremocupolo

Short and sweet, after booking my bachelorette party around my BM's schedule (who happens to be my future sister-in law), rather than when the rest of us wanted to go (She decided to book her own sister's bridal shower that weekend, so we changed dates)...little annoyed but okay.  Then I get a phone call that she can only come one night.  Fine, no big deal...Saturday will be the more exciting evening.  Now this is where I am at a loss and don't know what I should do...
My brother (her future husband) called me to tell me that she is uncomfortable with me and doesn't feel like she knows me well enough to go altogether, but will pay her share.  So, why did she say Yes to being in the wedding party.  I already changed the date to accomodate her, bring a friend (the more the merrier) but she is not coming.  My other bridesmaids aren't very happy because trying to keep track is not only annoying, but they have to lay out her portion and get it back.  I don't feel that this is a very fair situation, not only did she have my brother call me, but she is bringing up her own wedding constantly (it's over a year away), has not spoken to me since my brother called me and I feel like the bad guy.

I'm not sure how or if I should approach this matter.  I am working on re-building my relationship with my brother and do not want to rock the boat over her.  He has asked me to try and work on things with her, but how can I when she can't even talk to me.  Ever since they got engaged she has portrayed me as being an evil person, which I am not. 

Any advice????

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-ditching-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42df3c17-d1a4-44ca-94ea-d749a0155b6aPost:433f84d0-3212-4f37-a0b0-f3390e8efbd9">bridesmaid ditching bachelorette party</a>:
[QUOTE]Short and sweet, after booking my bachelorette party around my BM's schedule (who happens to be my future sister-in law), rather than when the rest of us wanted to go (She decided to book her own sister's bridal shower that weekend, so we changed dates)...little annoyed but okay.  Then I get a phone call that she can only come one night.  Fine, no big deal...Saturday will be the more exciting evening.  Now this is where I am at a loss and don't know what I should do... My brother (her future husband) called me to tell me that she is uncomfortable with me and doesn't feel like she knows me well enough to go altogether, but will pay her share.  So, why did she say Yes to being in the wedding party.  I already changed the date to accomodate her, bring a friend (the more the merrier) but she is not coming.  My other bridesmaids aren't very happy because trying to keep track is not only annoying, but they have to lay out her portion and get it back.  I don't feel that this is a very fair situation, not only did she have my brother call me, but she is bringing up her own wedding constantly (it's over a year away), has not spoken to me since my brother called me and I feel like the bad guy. I'm not sure how or if I should approach this matter.  I am working on re-building my relationship with my brother and do not want to rock the boat over her.  He has asked me to try and work on things with her, but how can I when she can't even talk to me.  Ever since they got engaged she has portrayed me as being an evil person, which I am not.  Any advice????
Posted by ashleyremocupolo[/QUOTE]
Whatabitch.  And, I'm not referring to your FSIL.

baystateapple

Shrug it off.

I realize that it's irritating, but your BMs aren't required to go to your bachelorette party (two of mine couldn't go to my party) and she's even going for one night.  Smile, be gracious, and don't let it bother you.  It's especially not worth getting upset about if she's going to be marrying your brother.  She's going to be a part of your life for a long time; even if she insists on making waves with you, smile and ignore it.  Be the bigger person.

lyndausvi

It seems like you asked her to be a BM because she is your FSIL, not because she is your friend.

If I were you I would just let it go and not push the subject.

opalsky007

Not cool, Tide.

OP, it sucks that she's not interested in being involved. But some people, myself included, take a long time to warm up to new people, or to the thought of social situations where they won't know anyone. Enjoy your bachelorette party, with your friends who ARE excited to be there. 

As for why she agreed to be in your wedding party, well, you asked, and she is about to become your brother's wife as well. Perhaps she really was doing her best not to rock the boat, and the bachelorette thing was just too much for her.

Moneypenny424

I also find it annoying that the bachelorette party was scheduled around what dates worked for her and now she won't go (and not because something came up, she now just doesn't want to go).  I agree to shrug it off and move on.  Be cordial to her and enjoy the bachelorette party, with or without her there.

I don't think she said she planned her bachelorette party, but certainly the bride has input on when it will happen, right?  She didn't say that she booked things herself.

jemmini6

It sucks, but she's not obligated to go.  I would probably feel uncomfortable going OOT with a bunch of girls I didn't know that well either (I would have been upfront about that from the beginning, but still, it's not like she's wrong to not want to go).

Just brush it off and have a good time with your friends that are going.  I would try to improve your relationship when it's not wedding related (yours or hers).  You guys are going to be family for the rest of your lives and that should superceed your one-day party.

GeauxTigers17

I'm with moneypenny. I can completely see why this is irritating - maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I took it as the other BMs planned the party around her, then she only wanted to come for one night, then she decided she wasn't coming at all because she's suddenly realized she's uncomfortable with it. She should have turned down the invitation to begin with.

While the FSIL is of course entitled to her feelings, I'd be irked too. OP, I'd just be absolutely sweet as pie to her. If she is really portraying you as "evil" (not sure how she's doing that) then she'll just end up looking stupid if you are always nice to her. Giving her absolutely nothing to go on is the best way to diffuse her. 

If you are really interested in trying to fix the relationship, I'd call her and tell her that you talked to your brother and the party is no big deal, and that you'll miss her, and you hope she has fun with her sister's bridal shower. 

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-ditching-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42df3c17-d1a4-44ca-94ea-d749a0155b6aPost:6b7bdc31-ef58-4895-b814-30b8b5a8b440">Re: bridesmaid ditching bachelorette party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to bridesmaid ditching bachelorette party : First of all, you shouldn't be throwing your own bachelorette party. A b-party is a gift for you, so it should be thrown by someone else FOR you. Second -- That sucks that the date had to be changed, but if she really doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to go. A bridesmaid is only required to show up the day of the wedding and wear the dress. She also is being generous enough to help pay for the party, even though she isn't going. I think that is very nice of her, considering she doesn't have to do that at all. I don't get why your bridesmaids are annoyed. She isn't going. Big whoop. And she is going to help pay. What is the problem? And of course she is talking about her own wedding. It's her wedding. She is excited about it. And what do you mean, you aren't sure how to approach the matter? There is nothing to approach. Well, I suppose it would be nice to call her up and just talk with her. Or invite her our to a no-wedding-talk lunch to get to know each other. If she refuses to do these things, then the loss is on her.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Ditto cfaszews25. I would call your FSIL and ask to take her out to lunch/for coffee so you can get to know each other.

LemonMeringue

This is speculation but I might wonder if something happened to change her mind, ie the plans changed to include something she's not comfortable with, and rather than voice her opinion she decided to just back out.  Even if it's just dancing or bar-hopping, that might be something that she's not comfortable doing with people she doesn't know.  ETA: Either way I'd just appeciate the honestly and move on. At least she gave you advance notice. 

polichik

I can see why you'd be annoyed, but I feel like there's more to the story here. Did something happen between the two of you since you asked her? Asking her FI to call you instead of calling you herself indicates either a serious discomfort with you (which presumably wasn't there before, assuming you've spoken on the phone before) or a personal issue that she hasn't dealt with yet.

Have you asked her if something changed? If she absolutely won't speak with you, I know it's kind of 6th grade, but I'd ask your brother. She's his future wife, but you're his sister. Something needs to be addressed here.

Btw, I wouldn't even really mention the b-party issue. I'd focus on the central issue of the relationship between the two of you.

ashleyremocupolo

Thank you for the advice.  I was involved in picking the weekend.  Nothing more, nothing less.  And yes, I DID re-arrange the weekend for her, due to her lack of communication with my group of girls.  It then went from the weekend, to one day to no days.  I offered for her to bring her sister or a friend, so I really don't think she has an excuse. 
I'm just curious why do I need to be the one to extend the invitation to do something together when I find her "i don't feel comfortable" thing to be an excuse.  Up until she got engaged to my brother things were fine, we would talk on the phone, bbm email but ever since then I suddenly make her uncomfortable.  Now she has my brother calling me.  She should be a grown up and should have called me herself, that would have made things a lot easier and quite frankly to me makes her look extremely immature.  To be nice, my brother chose her....I would not have chosen her for him, but that's not my call.
I will be having a great time with my other girls and friends, no doubt about that....I just feel as though she is going to be my future SIL, that should should be putting more of an effort in as well.  What happens next year with her wedding when all of these issues will suddenly be solved....I find what she is doing to be beyond selfish and (I really don't need her money to cover her share, but my MOH will take it).
Thanks again all

lyndausvi

I have very little relationship with my SILs.   It's not that I don't like each other, we just run in different crowds.  It's okay, no hard feelings.  Just because they are married to my brothers or I'm married to their brother does not mean we have to be best buddies. We get along fine, we just do not hang out outside of family functions.