Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.

familystress

Groom here. How are you? This is a long story, so bear with me...

 

SHORT VERSION: Mother of bride is dating an abusive guy who has insulted/threatened the bride and groom just this year, therefore he is not invited to the wedding.

 

The sister of the bride has stolen thousands of dollars from the bride in the past, and claimed she didn't "owe a damn thing" to the bride, the bride even recently lent her under $200 for a bridesmaid dress that she said she would pay back by end of November, but now when asked politely about when to expect the money, the bride is told to "don't get an attitude."

 

The mother of the bride and the sister of the bride are now guilting the bride (and groom) because we are not inviting the abusive boyfriend guy to the wedding. It's adding a LOT of stress to what is supposed to be "our day." They're saying nasty things to the bride like the bride has "changed" or has been changed by me, the groom, or maybe even suggesting that I'm manipulating her or something, which is ridiculous.

 

We feel that it's at a point now where the mother is causing so much stress and heartache that the mother should be informed that if this doesn't let up soon and if she doesn't respect our wishes to not have her abusive boyfriend there, then they should BOTH enjoy the day together, away from us.

 

 

What should we do? The mother of the bride is causing so much stress with her drama and selfishness. I've had it.

thurmanpowell

Is he physically abusive? If there's a real threat of violence I understand why you wouldn't want him there, but in exchange for that safety you're going to put up with a lot of grief from your FMIL.

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

Is he physically abusive? If there's a real threat of violence I understand why you wouldn't want him there, but in exchange for that safety you're going to put up with a lot of grief from your FMIL.
Posted by thurmanpowell

So grief from FMIL > abuse?

Um, no.

AddieL73

I'm hesitant to respond b/c this account was created today, in the middle of a heated thread about inviting SOs. 

jcbsjr

In Response to Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

Groom here. How are you? This is a long story, so bear with me...   SHORT VERSION: Mother of bride is dating an abusive guy who has insulted/threatened the bride and groom just this year, therefore he is not invited to the wedding.   The sister of the bride has stolen thousands of dollars from the bride in the past, and claimed she didn't "owe a damn thing" to the bride, the bride even recently lent her under $200 for a bridesmaid dress that she said she would pay back by end of November, but now when asked politely about when to expect the money, the bride is told to "don't get an attitude."   The mother of the bride and the sister of the bride are now guilting the bride (and groom) because we are not inviting the abusive boyfriend guy to the wedding. It's adding a LOT of stress to what is supposed to be "our day." They're saying nasty things to the bride like the bride has "changed" or has been changed by me, the groom, or maybe even suggesting that I'm manipulating her or something, which is ridiculous.   We feel that it's at a point now where the mother is causing so much stress and heartache that the mother should be informed that if this doesn't let up soon and if she doesn't respect our wishes to not have her abusive boyfriend there, then they should BOTH enjoy the day together, away from us.     What should we do? The mother of the bride is causing so much stress with her drama and selfishness. I've had it.
Posted by familystress

I know that you aren't supposed to split up SO's but if this guy has physically threatened you and your FI, then I wouldn't invite him and do what you said above.

StephBeanWed61502

If you're concerned about physical violence, you're in the clear not to invite abusive b/f dude.  If it's just "he's mean and we don't like him and he said mean things to me," I think, if your FI's mother is important to her, you should suck it up and invite the guy, with the understanding that he'll be bounced immediately for any misbehavior.

As for your FI's sister, stay out of it (and stop lending this chick money!)  The sister sounds awful, but not if your FI isn't ready to end her relationship with her sister, there's not much to do there other than stop giving her the opportunity to steal from you guys.

Side note:  Excluding an abuser from family functions can actually be dangerous to the abuser's partner, because you place her in a position where she either attends an event without the abuser and is then abused for perceived transgressions resulting from her going somewhere without him, or you give the abuser an opportunity to drive a wedge between the victim and her family by making a big deal out of "look how they don't support you!  Your family doesn't love you!  I'm the only one who cares about you, I'm all that you have!," which strengthens the abusive relationship and weakens the victim's ties to the people who might eventually help her leave the abusive situation.  I completely understand not wanting this guy at your wedding, but really think through the consequences for your FMIL if you stick to this path.  Driving her mother into the arms of an abuser is probably not your FI's goal here.

StageManager14

What does the sister stealing money (or not paying back loans, which sucks but isn't quite the same as taking the money from Bride's purse without her knowing, not sure which is the case here) have to do with whether or not to invite mom's BF?

cmgilpin

In Response to Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

Groom here. How are you? This is a long story, so bear with me...   SHORT VERSION: Mother of bride is dating an abusive guy who has insulted/threatened the bride and groom just this year, therefore he is not invited to the wedding.   The sister of the bride has stolen thousands of dollars from the bride in the past, and claimed she didn't "owe a damn thing" to the bride, the bride even recently lent her under $200 for a bridesmaid dress that she said she would pay back by end of November, but now when asked politely about when to expect the money, the bride is told to "don't get an attitude."   The mother of the bride and the sister of the bride are now guilting the bride (and groom) because we are not inviting the abusive boyfriend guy to the wedding. It's adding a LOT of stress to what is supposed to be "our day." They're saying nasty things to the bride like the bride has "changed" or has been changed by me, the groom, or maybe even suggesting that I'm manipulating her or something, which is ridiculous.   We feel that it's at a point now where the mother is causing so much stress and heartache that the mother should be informed that if this doesn't let up soon and if she doesn't respect our wishes to not have her abusive boyfriend there, then they should BOTH enjoy the day together, away from us.     What should we do? The mother of the bride is causing so much stress with her drama and selfishness. I've had it.
Posted by familystress

No one here can tell you what to do.  You either want to include her family, or you don't.  If you don't, tell them they aren't invited and move on.

I'm not sure why you loaned money to a sister who has stolen thousands frm you in the past.  That was an error in judgment on your part.

thurmanpowell

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress. : So grief from FMIL /> abuse? Um, no.
Posted by Edie Bee

No, no, that's not what I meant at all, sorry. If the guy's violent I wouldn't invite him either. I just meant that I don't have an answer for how to get FMIL to leave them alone.

Edie Bee

Oh okay.  Sorry, I misunderstood.

thurmanpowell

It's cool, I wrote that pretty poorly. I understand where OP is coming from, but I don't have any clue how to make it less stressful =(

OliveOilsMom

As PP said, if it was physical violence you are well within your rights to not invite this guy.

As for mom & sister of the bride.  If they are like this with the bride all the time and the bride is finally fed up.  I would suggest some sort of counseling or therapy for the bride on how to deal with people like this in her life.  A good therapist should be able to help the bride learn how to keep these people in her life and devise a plan to not let mom & sister walk all over the bride.

And stop giving any sort of money to FSIL.

Lastly, take StephBean's advice about an abuser separating his partner further from their family.  Best to make sure mom always knows that bride is there for her.

stantokm

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

I'm hesitant to respond b/c this account was created today, in the middle of a heated thread about inviting SOs. 
Posted by AddieL73

I wouldn't worry about that so much in this case; I often come up with questions based on reading other threads because maybe my situation IS different enough to get a different answer (just like advice given here is different than the other thread because this one involves a possibly abusive person and the other one doesn't).

familystress

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

What does the sister stealing money (or not paying back loans, which sucks but isn't quite the same as taking the money from Bride's purse without her knowing, not sure which is the case here) have to do with whether or not to invite mom's BF?
Posted by StageManager14

I suppose I should have detailed that - After the sister stole money and refused to pay loans back, she ganged up with the mother to guilt the bride. My fiancée simply asked one day when she should see the cash back, and her reply was, "I don't think it's fair that you're not inviting (the mom's boyfriend.)."

It is fair.

To answer other questions about the guy: He is/was physically violent towards the bride's mother. He pushed her around, threw things at her including a glass of tea, he's attempted to run her off the highway with his car (He was chasing her with his car) TWICE... Two separate times. Two times he tried to run her off the road.

He later physically threatened to fight me (Detail: I don't even know this guy, nor do I interact with him ever. He's that much of a bad apple that he threatened to fight me. The reason he threatened me is because my fiancée respectfully said that after the treatment of her mother that he would not be welcome at a graduation party we were throwing for her college graduation. He said, "Oh I'll be there." She said, "No, please stay away from us." He continued, "I will be there alright." I told him very plainly "Please leave us alone. If you try to get into my house I will call the police." And he said, "Then I'll kick your f___ing a__." He tried pushing around me at one point too.

We're uncomfortable around him because he mistreats her mother and has essentially tried to kill her by trying to run her off the road.

Her mom is apparently crazy because she wants to stay with this guy. Alright, more power to her, she's an "adult" and can make decisions. We, on the other hand, are not required to support abusive people by acting like it's all okay and spending time with that person.

familystress

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

I'm not sure why you loaned money to a sister who has stolen thousands frm you in the past.  That was an error in judgment on your part.
Posted by cmgilpin

I completely agree. The money loaned to her was loaned to her by my fiancée independely from her own income. The reason it was loaned was because the sister didn't have the money to pay for her gown, and the other girls had already paid, but the bridal store would not give the girls their gowns until ALL had paid for them.

The irresponsible sister made the other girls wait for well over a month until my fiancée finally "had it" and for the sake of the other bridesmaids "loaned" the money to her sister in order for all girls to get their dresses.

cmgilpin

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress. : I completely agree. The money loaned to her was loaned to her by my  fiancée independely from her own income. The reason it was loaned was because the sister didn't have the money to pay for her gown, and the other girls had already paid, but the bridal store would not give the girls their gowns until ALL had paid for them. The irresponsible sister made the other girls wait for well over a month until my  fiancée finally "had it" and for the sake of the other bridesmaids "loaned" the money to her sister in order for all girls to get their dresses.
Posted by familystress

Well, your FI should have probably realized at that point that wasn't a loan, and she was buying the dress for her sister.  That aside, it doesn't make any sense that the bridal salon would hold the other dresses hostage.  I would have challenged that.

As far as FMIL's abusive boyfriend, no one can really tell you two what to decide there. If it were me, I'd give FMIL some pamphlets about domestic violence, make sure she knows she can call you when shitt goes down, and call their bluff.  Either mom wants to come, or she doesn't.  No amount of guilt in the world would make me allow someone who had recently threatened me with physical violence come to my wedding. 

RetreadBride

Everything that Steph said.

Abusers take EVERYTHING out on their victims.  He will accuse the mother of "bad-mouthing" him to other people, whether she did or not.

The LAST thing you want to do is shut down communication between yourself and your mother.  It's not just a line of communication.  It may well prove to be a lifeline.

Abusers isolate their victims from friends and family, and reinforce feelings of guilt and shame.  Shame is another reason women avoid leaving abusive relationships.  They're already being blamed for everything else that goes wrong in their lives.  The last thing they want to hear is more of "We told you so...." or "well, WE knew there was something wrong with him...." (in other words, more of You Are Stupid. Abusers love to use that one.)

Please call your local Battered Women's Shelter for advice on how to deal with this louse, and how to help your mother.

MORE contact with them is better, not worse.  She may need a witness down the road.

This is the cold, harsh, cruel, ugly truth, honey:  Do you want the next time you see your mother to be your wedding, or her funeral?

familystress

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

Everything that Steph said. Abusers take EVERYTHING out on their victims.  He will accuse the mother of "bad-mouthing" him to other people, whether she did or not. The LAST thing you want to do is shut down communication between yourself and your mother.  It's not just a line of communication.  It may well prove to be a lifeline. Abusers isolate their victims from friends and family, and reinforce feelings of guilt and shame.  Shame is another reason women avoid leaving abusive relationships.  They're already being blamed for everything else that goes wrong in their lives.  The last thing they want to hear is more of "We told you so...." or "well, WE knew there was something wrong with him...." (in other words, more of You Are Stupid. Abusers love to use that one.) Please call your local Battered Women's Shelter for advice on how to deal with this louse, and how to help your mother. MORE contact with them is better, not worse.  She may need a witness down the road. This is the cold, harsh, cruel, ugly truth, honey:  Do you want the next time you see your mother to be your wedding, or her funeral?
Posted by RetreadBride

So we are to be held hostage by her POS boyfriend who has threatened me?

The situation and our response to it are very clear. The boyfriend is not invited, and we are going as far as informing the ushers to watch out for him and to quietly remove him if he shows.

What the question here is, how do we deal with this undeserved stress from the FMIL and the sister? It's like we the bride and groom are being made into the "bad guys."

I imagine there were discussions like this in the 1930s, "But Uncle Hitler will be mad at Aunt Eva if he isn't invited to the baby shower too! He'll take it out on her!"

StephBeanWed61502

You can't do anything about the "unnecessary stress" from the sister and mom over not inviting the abusive b/f. You guys are free not to invite him, and they're free to speak up and give you crap about it. Do you honestly think we were going to have some sort of magic way to make them stop talking about something? Your FI can stop speaking to them if she can't handle what they're saying, but they're going to say whatever they want, and there's nothing you can do to make them stop talking. And no one is suggesting you need to be "held hostage" by the b/f. All I was trying to communicate to you was that an abusive relationship creates unique problems that your FI may want to think about (or may already be thinking about). Take the advice of other posters and contact your local domestic abuse hotline to get some education about your FMIL's situation and the most effective way to limit your own contact with the b/f while making sure FMIL doesn't feel stranded or abandoned by her daughter.

zitiqueen

If my sister stole thousand of dollars from me I wouldn't even consider asking her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress.:

In Response to Re: Help! Mother and sister of the bride causing all kinds of unnecessary stress. : So we are to be held hostage by her POS boyfriend who has threatened me? The situation and our response to it are very  clear. The boyfriend is not invited, and we are going as far as informing the ushers to watch out for him and to quietly remove him if he shows. What the question here is, how do we deal with this undeserved stress from the FMIL and the sister? It's like we the bride and groom are being made into the "bad guys." I imagine there were discussions like this in the 1930s, "But Uncle Hitler will be mad at Aunt Eva if he isn't invited to the baby shower too! He'll take it out on her!"
Posted by familystress

She needs to stop talking about the wedding with FMIL and sister.  If they bring it up in anyway, she should change the subject.  "We have that covered, isn't the weather outside crazy lately?" or "I'll discuss this with FI, thanks for the idea.  Have you tried this bean dip, it's delicious!" 

If they refuse, then your FI, needs to let them know, she will not tolerate being spoken to in the manner they do.  When they start up, if changing the subject doesn't work, she should say "I cannot speak to you when you are like this.  If you do not calm down, I will leave/hang up."  If they continue, then you FI says "I cannot speak to you until you calm down.  See/Talk to you later."  Then she either leaves or hangs up.  If she can continue to act this way towards FMIL & sister, they should begin to change how they approach FI.

Or as I said before, a good therapist will help your FI find ways to deal and cope with her overbearing mother and sister.

Peledreamsofrain

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a really tough situation, and I bet it scares your fiance.

I have to agree with the others' advice, but also slightly disagree.  I do not think that keeping the boyfriend out of the wedding, and keeping communication/support open to the FMIL is mutually exclusive.  Honesty is the best policy here.  Your fiance should be very frank with her, but non-judgemental. 

Keep contact with FMIL, keep her engaged, talk to her, invite her to wedding-related things that mothers normally attend.  Just don't invite the boyfriend to the wedding.  If she asks about it, be honest:

"Ms. X, we love and support you and want you to know that if you ever need us, we are there for you and support you.  No questions, just reach out to us.  But we do not love and support Mr. S or what he does to you." 

As stated above, if it turns into an argument, be gentle but firm, and disengage.  Call the next day with a new topic as if the argument never happened.  Show her that no matter what, you will always be available to her, hard feelings about disagreements or no.