DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding?

jCoakley

I am a bridemaid in a DW in Mexico in September. The bride has been dealing with lots of drama with her sisters regarding the shower.

Her sister keeps telling her that with a DW, etiquette says that you have to wait until after the wedding to have the shower. I told her that I didn't think that that was right but that I would check on here first.

What do you think?

Simply Fated

I think her sister is wrong. I could be wrong, too, though lol.

Maggie0829

A shower is a pre-wedding party event.  Thus is should happen before the wedding.  It really can't be called a bridal shower anymore after the fact since the bride will no longer be a bride.  I would like to know where she got that piece of "etiquette" advice.

Also, make sure that anyone invited to the shower is also invited to the wedding.

misshart00

Showers are supposed to happen before the wedding. It's wht it's called a pre wedding party. Same rules apply though, no one can be invited that's not invited to the wedding.

daveANDkristen

I've never heard of that either. I don't think this is an etiquette "rule".  I think the bride's sister has probably been invited to a shower after someone's DW and now thinks that is the protocol. 

Peledreamsofrain

Showers are 'pre' events by nature.  Just as you throw a baby shower before the baby is born, so too do you throw a bridal shower before the wedding.

That being said though, if life circumstances nixed the shower happening before the wedding, it won't cause deaths or hurricanes or anything to move it after the wedding.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-etiquette-shower-after-the-actual-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ef7384f-861d-4cac-96ca-7c893a0d9dfePost:e6e8052b-6ef5-4af8-be51-0a561d831da1">Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Showers are 'pre' events by nature.  Just as you throw a baby shower before the baby is born, so too do you throw a bridal shower before the wedding. That being said though, if life circumstances nixed the shower happening before the wedding, it won't cause deaths or hurricanes or anything to move it after the wedding.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

I know it won't cause all of those things, but if crap happens and a shower can't be held till after the wedding then it just shouldn't be held at all.

KatWAG

Its a "bridal shower." She isnt a bride after the wedding. She is a wife.

So, no having a shower after the wedding is wrong. Ihave never heard of a "Wife shower"

jCoakley

Thanks Ladies!

I would like to see where her sister is getting her information from too!

She knows that all the people invited to the shower had to be invited to the wedding and that isn't a issue.

Her sister is telling her that it would be rude to have the shower before the wedding! My head almost exploded when I heard that!!

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-etiquette-shower-after-the-actual-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ef7384f-861d-4cac-96ca-7c893a0d9dfePost:0aa60ad3-9e4e-4b60-bc76-f445046139d8">Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding? : I know it won't cause all of those things, but if crap happens and a shower can't be held till after the wedding then it just shouldn't be held at all.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
<div align="left">
<div align="left">I don't agree with this completely.  Say if you had a shower planned, everything ready to go, everyone's invited, etc, and a major accident with one of the attendees happened, or the wedding date changed, or something like that, there's no harm in having the shower afterwards.  You'd have to be pretty cold-hearted to sneer at a bride and take it away "because it's only for before the wedding . period."  That's adhering to ettiquette to the point of cruelty, which ceases to be etiquette.

</div><div align="left">Now if it's because nobody could agree on a date, nobody wanted to host it, the timing is inconvenient, etc.  Don't bother having one.</div></div>

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-etiquette-shower-after-the-actual-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ef7384f-861d-4cac-96ca-7c893a0d9dfePost:07812753-81b3-4f60-b90c-795366db1834">Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding? : I don't agree with this completely.  Say if you had a shower planned, everything ready to go, everyone's invited, etc, and a major accident with one of the attendees happened, or the wedding date changed, or something like that, there's no harm in having the shower afterwards.  You'd have to be pretty cold-hearted to sneer at a bride and take it away "because it's only for before the wedding . period."  That's adhering to ettiquette to the point of cruelty, which ceases to be etiquette. Now if it's because nobody could agree on a date, nobody wanted to host it, the timing is inconvenient, etc.  Don't bother having one.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

As the bride in that situation, I would realize that I just wouldn't be getting a shower.

You aren't taking it away from her like she is a 5 year old with a doll.  Sometimes things are overcome by events and cannot go on like planned.  Does it suck? Yes.  But if I were the bride I certainly wouldn't throw a hissy fit or feel like something was taken away from me because the planned shower that unfortunately had to be cancelled because of out side circumstances can never come to fruition since I am already married.

Same goes with a bach party.  If something was planned but a monsoon came swooping through and it couldn't go on as planned would you still expect to have a bach party after you were married?

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-etiquette-shower-after-the-actual-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ef7384f-861d-4cac-96ca-7c893a0d9dfePost:07812753-81b3-4f60-b90c-795366db1834">Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding? : I don't agree with this completely.  Say if you had a shower planned, <strong>everything ready to go, everyone's invited, etc, and a major accident with one of the attendees happened, or the wedding date changed, or something like that,</strong> there's no harm in having the shower afterwards.  You'd have to be pretty cold-hearted to sneer at a bride and take it away "because it's only for before the wedding . period."  That's adhering to ettiquette to the point of cruelty, which ceases to be etiquette. Now if it's because nobody could agree on a date, nobody wanted to host it, the timing is inconvenient, etc.  Don't bother having one.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

I can't think of a single circumstance that would make me say "oh yeah let's do it again after"  If there's a major accident with the bride or someone close enough she feels the need to be next to their hospital bed during the scheduled shower time (b/c otherwise why would one attendee not coming affect the shower at all?) you'd just cancel.  If it was so close to the wedding it couldn't be re-scheduled I'd imagine attendees would just ship the gift or give it to them at the wedding.  If the wedding date changed that's the bride's own fault - consequences for your actions and such.  If you chose to move the wedding up to before the shower was scheduled then you chose to not have that party.

daveANDkristen

I agree with Maggie and Kate, if a bridal shower was cancelled for some reason, I wouldn't think it was appropriate to have after the couple was married.  Like Kate said, anyone who planned to attend the shower would probably send the gift anyway.  Once you're married, you're no longer a bride.

I do think it's different for a baby shower though, assuming the shower was planned well before mom's due date and baby had other plans.  That happened to both my step-sister and one of my BMs.  SS was due on Feb 2nd, and her shower was planned for Jan 8th, but she went into labor on the 7th and ended up having the baby on the 8th.  The shower was postponed for a few months, and even though it was not typical, everyone really enjoyed getting to meet the new baby, as he was just about at the age that mom was comfortable bringing him in public.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-etiquette-shower-after-the-actual-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ef7384f-861d-4cac-96ca-7c893a0d9dfePost:2ceb9eac-b1f8-4795-9600-3f45b5e3ed6f">Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Maggie and Kate, if a bridal shower was cancelled for some reason, I wouldn't think it was appropriate to have after the couple was married.  Like Kate said, anyone who planned to attend the shower would probably send the gift anyway.  Once you're married, you're no longer a bride.<strong> I do think it's different for a baby shower though, assuming the shower was planned well before mom's due date and baby had other plans.  That happened to both my step-sister and one of my BMs.  SS was due on Feb 2nd, and her shower was planned for Jan 8th, but she went into labor on the 7th and ended up having the baby on the 8th.  The shower was postponed for a few months, and even though it was not typical, everyone really enjoyed getting to meet the new baby, as he was just about at the age that mom was comfortable bringing him in public.
</strong>Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

I don't agree with this either.  I think it falls into the same boat as the bridal shower thing.

I am not saying that these people couldn't come by and see the baby and give their gifts but to have an actual shower is a bit odd to me.

I kind of comparing it to a birthday.  Say you have big birthday plans and something happens and you couldn't go through with them.  Then 5 months later after everything has settled down you decided to do the big birthday blowout that was already planned.  That would be weird becaues it is no longer your birthday.  Same goes for a bridal shower after a wedding and a baby shower after a baby is born.

I could see how you can rearrange the baby shower into a "Meet Janice's New Baby Girl" party but it shouldn't be the same as a shower.  KWIM?

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-etiquette-shower-after-the-actual-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ef7384f-861d-4cac-96ca-7c893a0d9dfePost:de887e42-3414-4159-a713-7213c7d06c2f">Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding? : I don't agree with this either.  I think it falls into the same boat as the bridal shower thing. I am not saying that these people couldn't come by and see the baby and give their gifts but to have an actual shower is a bit odd to me. I kind of comparing it to a birthday.  Say you have big birthday plans and something happens and you couldn't go through with them.  Then 5 months later after everything has settled down you decided to do the big birthday blowout that was already planned.  That would be weird becaues it is no longer your birthday.  Same goes for a bridal shower after a wedding and a baby shower after a baby is born. I could see how you can rearrange the baby shower into a "Meet Janice's New Baby Girl" party but it shouldn't be the same as a shower.  KWIM?
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

I get what you're saying.  If the host of that shower had wanted to cancel it, that would have been fine, but she still really wanted to have it so she did.

I don't think showers should ever be <strong>scheduled</strong> for after the event - wedding or baby.  Rescheduling just feels more okay in the case of baby.  I'm probably wrong.  It's the end of the day and I am not feeling bright enough to form a good reason why <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />  Margaritas after work!

Kate61487

I also think the baby shower's a little different.  We had a baby shower for my aunt and cousin after he was born b/c he was adopted and she didn't know she was getting him until like a week before.  Pretty sure we still called it a baby shower and I didn't think much of it.  I wouldn't intentionally plan one for after the baby was born, but in the case of a premie or adoption I think it's fine.

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-etiquette-shower-after-the-actual-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ef7384f-861d-4cac-96ca-7c893a0d9dfePost:abe9cdc7-b5b0-4fd7-ad25-125aeed1c2c1">Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding?</a>:
<div align="left">[QUOTE]In Response to Re: DW etiquette: Shower after the actual wedding? : I get what you're saying.  If the host of that shower had wanted to cancel it, that would have been fine, but she still really wanted to have it so she did. I don't think showers should ever be scheduled for after the event - wedding or baby.  Rescheduling just feels more okay in the case of baby.  I'm probably wrong.  It's the end of the day and I am not feeling bright enough to form a good reason why   Margaritas after work!
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

That's where I'm coming from, rescheduling because life is being a jerk isn't a gasp-worthy etiquette violation.  I just think a little leniency and compassion can be called upon in some situations.

But, we don't all have to agree on everything.  Otherwise we'd be creepy clones.</div>