NWR - Family Communication

MoonlightSilver

My H and I rent from my family (parents, two uncles and their wives), whom all live on the same large property. As a now married adult, living "on my own" so to speak, I'm having trouble getting them to treat me (and my H) as contributting adults when it comes to family events/activities.

For instance, my aunt invited everyone out to see a play her daughter was in last weekend. I didn't even know about it until I overheard my cousin (not her daughter) talking about it. I had the day off, so cousin asked my aunt to secure two more tickets for H and I. Cousin also mentioned a get-together after the play, but H and I had plans so we didn't go. Aunt never actually invited me to the get-together. Three days later now, my mom is upset I didn't go to the get-together. I know we're close enough that I don't need a formal invitation in the mail, but I was never actually invited and I already had plans- why should I have gone? 

There are three different parties planned for Christmas, and I only know about them because I asked my mom. I haven't been called or texted an invitation to any of them (though one IS at my mom's, so I'm not expecting an actually invite from her). People usually bring food, and no one has asked me to contribute a dish. My mom said that the family still treats me as a "kid" because all the other counsins (who are at similar ages to me) live at home / aren't married. So the family expects me to get information from my parents, and still sort of be a family unit with them. 

H has the same problem with my uncles/dad when they work around the property. He'll offer to help and ask them to text or call him whenever they're out working (which is at random hours, so they can't just set something up ahead of time). A few days later we'll hear through chatting with my dad that they went out and did a number of things without asking H for help, even though he was home. Later still my mom/dad/uncle will be upset that H isn't "helping out" around the property. 

Sorry this is long. I'm sure the answer to my problems is "just ask them to contact you," but I feel like that would be rude- to point out that they're not treating me as an adult. And obviously, that isn't working with H and the uncles, who just do things without him. I don't want to keep making excuses why I'm not attending events or why H isn't helping when it's not actually our fault- but I also don't want to say they're totally to blame. 

Any ideas to change the situation? 

Edie Bee

This doesn't directly answer your question but could they be under the (mistaken) impression you don't want to be invited to these events?

MoonlightSilver

In Response to Re: NWR - Family Communication:

This doesn't directly answer your question but could they be under the (mistaken) impression you don't want to be invited to these events?
Posted by Edie Bee

I doubt it. Things like Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving day, Thanksgiving leftovers, etc. I'm noticing it a lot more now during the holidays. My aunt invited all the family to the play, as far as I know, and my mom claims she mentioned it to me during Thanksgiving but I don't remember the conversation. 

mcda04

Miss the next event and when they ask you about it "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't even know about it until yesterday/today/few days ago but i thought i wasn't invited"

Something i would say at least.

jlm9113

I can sympathize -- I live across the country from my family and never get invitations or notifications of big family events until a couple of weeks before it takes place.  Unfortunately, I can't drop everything and get overpriced plane tickets at that point.

I figure they either don't really want me there (but feel obligated to invite me) or are under the mistaken impression that I own a private jet.

coopsbaby

My ex-H's family is this way. He was in his 30s before they invited us. We never knew when anything was and they always thought his mom would tell him. And then they would be mad that we missed Christmas or something. Now they tell him, but he doesn't tell our children who are 20, 17 and 15 and are plenty old enough. Somepeople are just that way.

I do think you need to point out that you aren't being told, but it doesn't have to be in a "blaming" sort of way at all. When they mention that you missed something, that's the perfect time to point out that they need to tell you and you aren't "skipping out", you just didn't know.

MoonlightSilver

In Response to Re: NWR - Family Communication:

Miss the next event and when they ask you about it "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't even know about it until yesterday/today/few days ago but i thought i wasn't invited" Something i would say at least.
Posted by mcda04

I sort of tried to do this with the get-together for the play... but no one mentioned I was missing except my own mother. 

My aunt even talked to my mom about paying for my tickets to the play... instead of contacting me. I can't figure that out.

Edie Bee

Maybe you could ask your mom to say something like, "Oh that sounds great!  Can you call Moonlight and her H to see if they want to come?  Here's her number/email", when a future invitation comes up.

strlzfan11

I think you just need to straight up tell your family that if they want you to participate in family events/help out around the property that you need to told/asked about them in advance so that you can fit it into your schedule.  Part of being an adult is having adult conversations with people.

jcbsjr

I agree with Stlz on this. My mom used to be notorious for being like, Hey, can you come to dinner right NOW (slight exaggeration) and I finally had to straight up tell her that if she'd like us to attend something, then it either needs to be planned in advance or she needs to get over being butt hurt about us not being there.

MoonlightSilver

Strlz & Jcbsjr -

Would you just bring it up randomly next time you see them? Call them up specifically to bring it up? Or wait until someone tries to ask why you missed an event? 

strlzfan11

I'd probably call and get it done and over with and just say something along the lines of "It's come to my attention that you've been upset when we haven't participated/helped out.  We're more than happy to do so, but we need to know in advance so that we can plan accordingly."  A great way to approach it might be to call whoever's hosting one of the Christmas parties and ask what you need to bring and then it's easier to flow into it from there.

Edie Bee

Logical Steez is logical.

jcbsjr

When I addressed it, it was one of those times when she invited us for the same evening and we couldn't attend. I just told her flat out that we have a lot of friends and need, at the very least, a few days notice for anything. She acted kind of butthurt, tbh, but it's helped tremendously.

MoonlightSilver

I will attempt these things. Thank you. 

zantster

In Response to Re: NWR - Family Communication:

I think you just need to straight up tell your family that if they want you to participate in family events/help out around the property that you need to told/asked about them in advance so that you can fit it into your schedule.  Part of being an adult is having adult conversations with people.
Posted by strlzfan11

Also, to piggyback on this, it might take a minute for them to come around and realize you're serious.  So when you do what strlz says you've got to stick to your guns and not let them make you feel guilty if they try to fall back to their old ways.  If they try to blame you again, you can kindly remind them that you told them about needing to be asked in advance and that's the best you can do.  Then don't stress over it because you've done all you can.

stantokm

I started going through something similar when I first moved out of my parents' house a few months after graduating college.  Invitations would still go to my parents' place and they were not always great about telling me.  I thought that it was particularly unfair because the family had no problem thinking of my 6-months-older cousin as an adult with her own residence because she'd just gotten married.  Married 23-year old > 23-year old with a job and Masters degree.

I said something to a couple of my aunts, like, "I almost wasn't able to make it today because I just found out about the party.  Mom didn't call me until a few hours ago."  After that, they started making an effort to call me themselves.  Now everyone just uses e-mail so there's no problem.

egeurts

This might be a long shot, but since you're also newly married, could you're family deliberately be leaving you out of things in order for you to be adjusting to newlywed life? Kind of a "Well we don't want to disturb them..." thought process? That would explain why no one invites you to anything. It doesn't explain why they're upset when you don't show up, but it would explain why you don't get invited.