Etiquette

how do say no children

my family is huge, we have 25 children ranging from newborn to 18 yrs. including three of my own but their in the wedding as well as my neice.  my mother has gone off at the suggestion of no kids. is there anyway to allow immediate family to bring children and not allow the guest to bring theirs????.  I am having a 6 hrs. open bar i dont want to step on kids.   i dont want to hurt anyone feelings and i know some family members wont be able to attend if they cant bring their children what do i do?
in case anyone was wondering its per plate flat rate, no children plate

Re: how do say no children

  • It's not even 2012 yet and your wedding is near the end of 2013.  I think I would relax and enjoy being engaged for awhile before I started worrying about too much just yet.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
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  • You can do that.  Immediate family only is a good cut off.  You will need to be firm with relatives that play the "if we can't bring honeybuns we won't be able to attend" card.  That is when you say "I'm so sorry we won't be able to see you but we'll get together after the wedding."
  • How does an open bar  =  stepping on kids?   Are you planning to be so intoxicated that you think you're going to lose one of them in your dress?
  • When you send your invites, just write the names of the people invited on the invitations (meaning, if the kids aren't invited, don't include their names on the invite).  It's not appropriate to write any version of "no kids" anywhere on an invitation.

    PPs are right that it's very early to even be thinking about this.  Also, as someone who was once excluded from my uncle's wedding as a kid, some of the kids are going to be hurt that they're not invited to your wedding, especially if they're family.  Be prepared for that.
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  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    Also, as someone who was once excluded from my uncle's wedding as a kid, some of the kids are going to be hurt that they're not invited to your wedding, especially if they're family.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502
    Tough.

    OP, I hope you're ESL.
  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    In Response to Re: how do say no children : Tough. OP, I hope you're ESL.
    Posted by daffodil_jill
    What's ESL?
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  • English as Second Language


    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    English as Second Language
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007
    That was the only meaning I knew, but I couldn't tell if that's where she was going.  I guess it makes sense though.  Thanks.
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  • You put on the invitation who is invited. We had only nieces and nephews at our wedding (although we have 18 between the 2 of us). Also, the kids were better behaved than some of the adults.
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  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    In Response to Re: how do say no children : I wasn't invited to a cousin's AHR when I was in high school.  I got over it because NONE of the other cousins were invited either (my cousin is 20 years older than me).  Even as a kid, I understood that some things were for adults only. OP - everyone here has given good advice.  Your wedding is pretty far off (like mine).  Specifics about who is being invited don't need to be figured out for a long time.  I have a general number that we plan on inviting (because we have our venue booked, and we need to reach a minimum number of guests) but the actual guests, including any kids, may change up until 6-8 weeks prior - when we send out invites.  
    Posted by yaga13
    Of course the kids will get over it, but judging by the OP this is already creating problems in her family.  I was warning her to be prepared for the repercussions, that's all.
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  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    In Response to Re: how do say no children : Of course the kids will get over it, but judging by the OP this is already creating problems in her family.  I was warning her to be prepared for the repercussions, that's all.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502
    This is what I was going ot bring up. I didn't care either way about having kids at our wedding, but my family would have had a holy conniption had the thought of a no kids/family kids only wedding. If this is something that's going to cause huge problems, and you don't want kids just because you think you're going to step on them, just think carefully.
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  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    In Response to Re: how do say no children : This is what I was going ot bring up. I didn't care either way about having kids at our wedding, but my family would have had a holy conniption had the thought of a no kids/family kids only wedding. If this is something that's going to cause huge problems, and you don't want kids just because you think you're going to step on them, just think carefully.
    Posted by whitsy
    I'm not a proponent of indulging this type of entitlement. Someone thinking that their kids must be invited everywhere oughtn't make it so.
  • This is also a serious concern for myself. I would like to provide a nice evening for my adult guest, so I thought offering a room with child care provided would permit people to still attend the wedding. A co-worker of mine commented that it would be nice, because then the parents could still go get the children to "show them off". The purpose of the child care was to keep children out of the reception, not provide venue to "show them off". I'm not really a person who enjoys children being around, how do I politely tell people that they must drop them off at childcare and leave them for the evening?
  • :( I thought I was doing a good thing by providing childcare. Do you think a better option is not providing the childcare, which may limit the people who attend?
  • Depends how much you want them to attend, I guess. I'm of the opinion that childcare is the responsibility of parents, not that of event hosts that don't wish to invite the children.
  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    Depends how much you want them to attend, I guess. I'm of the opinion that childcare is the responsibility of parents, not that of event hosts that don't wish to invite the children.
    Posted by daffodil_jill
    This.  I'm more likely to go and find my own sitter for DD rather than use one that is provided.  When I'm in charge I know who will be taking care of my child vs. using someone who may not have training.

    As a parent, childcare is my responsibility.  And when we're going to an adult event, I'd rather not even have to worry about having my kid know I could be in the next room.   We both need our time away from each other from time to time.
  • Lurker here...felt I had to respond, because I have a baby and a toddler and I would not leave them with a sitter I didn't know and I would find it rude if my kids were invited to a wedding and I were forced to leave them somewhere else for the reception.  If I encountered that situation, I'd leave. 

    I think it's fine to want an adults-only wedding, so if that's the case, just don't invite kids.  You'll just have to accept that some people will not be able to attend because they can't or don't want to find a sitter.  If you really want certain people to come who wouldn't be able to leave their kids at home, I think your only alternative is to invite the kids and know that they won't ruin your wedding and most parents have the sense to remove their kids if they're causing a problem.  We attended a family member's wedding this summer and one of the cousins who was a year old started wailing during the ceremony and her mom promptly left the church with her.  As for us, we were the first to leave the reception because eventually my older one's bed time rolled around and he was nearing meltdown mode.  That was the compromise for us.  We were able to bring the kids, but we knew we'd have to leave early. 

    Instead of hiring sitters, I'd put your money and energy into making your kid guests (and by extension, their parents) more comfortable.  If there's a nursery available at the ceremony site or another spot where kids can go, have the ushers let parents know that when they arrive.  My son spent the entire ceremony at the church's playground and had a blast.  Have booster seats/high chairs at the tables where babies and toddlers will be seated.  See if the caterers can bring the kids' meals our first or let the kids go through the buffet line first. (Kids who are well-fed are happy and better-behaved.)  You could have crayons or markers and something to color on at the place settings of the little kids.  Kids can participate in a lot of the extras people have at their weddings, like a photo booth. 
  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    If you really want certain people to come who wouldn't be able to leave their kids at home, I think your only alternative is to invite the kids and know that they won't ruin your wedding and most parents have the sense to remove their kids if they're causing a problem.  We attended a family member's wedding this summer and one of the cousins who was a year old started wailing during the ceremony and her mom promptly left the church with her.  
    Posted by hansa11
    That most parents have the sense to remove their problematic children is a ludicrous assertion. Many parents these days do not have the sense. I've read countless stories on here about parents who let their child scream through a wedding ceremony. Hell, just go out in public and you'll see ample evidence of parents not "having the sense".

    Furthermore, once the wailing begins, even if the child is immediately removed, the disruption has already occurred. I don't understand why people seem to miss this point.
  • Yes, the disruption occurred, but do the situations where a child is acting his age (like a baby starting to cry because she's hungry) ruin a wedding?  In the example I mentioned, it was the minister who drew attention to the crying baby by making a funny comment, which made everyone laugh, and then the service proceeded.  It was a disruption, but was it a big deal?  Should the mom not have attended the cermony in case the baby started to cry?

    My point is, I think you either don't invite kids or you invite them and know you won't be able to control how they behave, how the parents respond to them, or whether the parents will want to leave them with an unknown sitter because you want a kid-free reception (as a parent, I'm saying I don't think many people would be comfortable with that).
  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    Yes, the disruption occurred, but do the situations where a child is acting his age (like a baby starting to cry because she's hungry) ruin a wedding?  In the example I mentioned, it was the minister who drew attention to the crying baby by making a funny comment, which made everyone laugh, and then the service proceeded.  It was a disruption, but was it a big deal?  Should the mom not have attended the cermony in case the baby started to cry?
    Posted by hansa11
    Hansa, you were addressing jw's question. She stated very clearly that she does not enjoy being around children. Whether or not the wedding would be "ruined" by a crying baby is immaterial. Call it whatever you want. She doesn't want children there. The correct response is not "invite them and accomodate them in every way you can" (your answer).
  • edited January 2012
    In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    In Response to Re: how do say no children : Hansa, you were addressing jw's question. She stated very clearly that she does not enjoy being around children. Whether or not the wedding would be "ruined" by a crying baby is immaterial. Call it whatever you want. She doesn't want children there. The correct response is not "invite them and accomodate them in every way you can" (your answer).
    Posted by daffodil_jill
    I feel like Hansa's answer is maybe more appropriate for people who are on the fence.  I know for me, we don't have too many kids in the family, and we were on the fence about whether to invite them or not.  Not inviting them will create drama (and will make it nearly impossible for one of the GMs to attend), so we opted to invite children and accommodate them as Hansa has suggested.

    If you really hate children and their mere presence is going to ruin your day, then by all means, don't invite them.  Just be prepared that friends and family with kids may not be able to be a part of your day.
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  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    In Response to Re: how do say no children :  If you really hate children and their mere presence is going to ruin your day
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502
    This is hyberbolic and unnecessary. The preference to not be around children is in no way related to hate.

    Also, the person hansa was addressing was clearly not on the fence, so her response was inappropriate.
  • To clarify, I was responding to jw317901 who does seem on the fence regarding children at her wedding.  She does says she's not a person who enjoys being around children (her words), but because she's worried some people won't come if their kids aren't invited, wanted to know how to let her guests know they must use the childcare she provides.  In my opinion, she can't force people to use the childcare.  Like others have mentioned, children are their parents' responsibility and parents aren't always comfortable with sitters they don't know.  I did not say "invite them and accomodate them in every way you can" as daffodil_jill implied. My suggestions of how to make children more comfortable was not a declaration that children must be invited or must be accomodated at all costs, but merely, my opinion of what might help if couples do decide to invite children.  Again, I'm totally cool with an adult-only wedding and don't think it means you hate children.  I'm not offended when my children aren't invited to a wedding (or anything else for that matter) and if I can find a sitter, I'll happily go.  It's just if my children are invited to a wedding, then I'm assuming you're going to going to let me judge whether it'd be appropriate to bring them, trust that I'll supervise them, and understand that kids will cry or get rambunctious or whatever else kids do and that is not a reflection of whether parents are good parents are not .   

    Also, I do think OP is on the fence with the issue of children at the wedding since she posted an earlier message about sitters and then this one about inviting kids of family members but not other kids, while mentioning that her mom suggested no kids at all.  She also mentioned the open bar and not wanting to step on kids as her reasons for not wanting kids.  But since it seems like there are kids that will have to be included, I was just trying to assure her that minor "disruptions" from kids won't ruin a wedding.  And frankly, you'll notice them less at a large reception where there's room for them to move around than at the ceremony where they're confined to their seats. 
  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    In Response to Re: how do say no children : I'm not a proponent of indulging this type of entitlement. Someone thinking that their kids must be invited everywhere oughtn't make it so.
    Posted by daffodil_jill
    I don't see it as indulging the behavior, and when I wrote that, I wasn't even thinking of anyone in particular that had children and would have been expected to be invited. I was just thinking in more general terms of family disbelief that children aren't invited to the wedding. I don't see that so much as a sense of entitlement as just the family being unaware that the bride would even think about not inviting the kids. Weddings are family events in my area (and perhaps in the op's since family is expressing anger), so that's just what I was thinking about when I responded. I'm on your side jill :-) I don't think kids need to be invited to everything.
    image
  • In Response to Re: how do say no children:
    In Response to Re: how do say no children : I'm not a proponent of indulging this type of entitlement. Someone thinking that their kids must be invited everywhere oughtn't make it so.
    Posted by daffodil_jill
    I agree with this! 

    OP, if your wedding is at the end of 2013 there is no reason to worry about this now. Enjoy being engaged. You have a lot of time. 
    image
  • this will be my last post bc of ppl esl rude as comments!  too all that shared honest advice thank you.  1st my wedding date is not set in stone and would be moved up if we didnt include kids to this summer.  This is the reason i am worried about it now.
    2nd when i write on these board i am trying to express my thoughts and am usually venting at the time so sorry if i dont follow the webster dictonary last but not least to the rude ass people who responded why did you bother to take the time if all you had to add was negativity i can ask someone at work for that type of repsonse. thank you for making the only wedding community i decided to joining a pleasure. p.s. i will be having children at the wedding thanks
  • Who exactly was so rude and awful?  No one went after you in their responses, they did, however, bring up some pretty good things for you to consider.
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