XP - When and how to follow-up with financial promises?

mdupon70997

About two months ago my dad and step-mom told us that they would be funding about half of our wedding budget (and they didn't act llike it would be a problem for them financially). My dad usually follows through with his promises, and I have no doubt that they'll give us the money before our wedding. But, it's already December and we haven't seen any money! And we're getting married in April. I've brought it up (in a pretty roundabout way) twice to my dad and step-mom, but both times they sort of seemed aggrevated. I've told them that we need to secure dates for our vendors, but I still don't think they get that we need the money pretty soon. We planned for a wedding that we could afford with the financial help we were told we would be getting, and my fiance is getting pretty aggrevated with this (and with me for not being aggressive enough). What should I do? Is there a way that I can casually suggest that we need the money without sounding greedy or pushy? Help.

kmmssg

I'm a 3 time MOB.  Since THEY told you they would help pay for the wedding there is nothing wrong with you sitting down with them and frankly discussing this.  That discussion should be thoughtful and done with a lot of gratitude.

I do have a few questions:

1.  Was a budget set and a definite amount promised by them?

2.  Was there any kind of timeline set for when you would need this money?

You need to drop the idea of casually mentioning this and be honest with them.  Show them a list of your vendors and the deposits needed, along with when the deposits are required.  Show them the same thing with final payments.  Can you even get the vendors/venues you want at this late date?  Are they still available?

One thing is going through the back of my mind.  I am wondering if  there has been a major change to their finances and this will be too hard for them to do.  If we have been hit with some major unexpected bill/expense/etc we don't necessarily chat about that with our kids as it is our private business.  Sometimes something like that can make one feel ashamed if it interferes with promises made to others.

Another little thing going through the back of my mind is that they just have no idea how far in advance weddings need to be contracted.  When DD #3 got married back in '09 her ILs said they wanted to "help with the wedding."  That was about 17 months out.  Around here you contract venues and vendors asap.  We contracted her photographer in Feb '08 for a May 09 wedding.  At that time they only had two '09 dates left available!  We were struggling to decide on a budget and what we could contract because they had not defined what their "help" would be.  Her FI and his parents had no idea you needed to contract the venues/vendors so early.  She had her FI ask his parents to define exactly what they envisioned so we could plan the wedding.  Turns out they footed 1/3 of the cost of the wedding, they just had no idea how early you have to take care of things around here.

I would start by reminding them how grateful you are, and have your list ready.  It should match up to an already agreed upon budget (I hope).  Then ask them if they are still able to help you.  If so, make sure there is an understanding of what is needed and when.

If things have changed for them, you and FI will need to rework your wedding and have what the two of you can afford.  Good luck!

misssunshine17

I would definitely sit them down and talk about it. I'm in a similar situation, but my mom has made comments that they're waiting to give me a number/money until after some things are set so I plan a wedding I can afford and their help is extra. Personally this is not the best way to go about it, but my parents didn't have the money laying around, so they're saving while we're planning. 

zantster

In Response to XP - When and how to follow-up with financial promises?:

About two months ago my dad and step-mom told us that they would be funding about half of our wedding budget (and they didn't act llike it would be a problem for them financially). My dad usually follows through with his promises, and I have no doubt that they'll give us the money before our wedding. But, it's already December and we haven't seen any money! And we're getting married in April. I've brought it up (in a pretty roundabout way) twice to my dad and step-mom, but both times they sort of seemed aggrevated. I've told them that we need to secure dates for our vendors, but I still don't think they get that we need the money pretty soon. We planned for a wedding that we could afford with the financial help we were told we would be getting, and my fiance is getting pretty aggrevated with this (and with me for not being aggressive enough). What should I do? Is there a way that I can casually suggest that we need the money without sounding greedy or pushy? Help.
Posted by mdupon70997

I would not have brought it up.  But that's water under the bridge.  Since you've brought it up twice and sensed aggravation in their tone of voice or heard silence I would leave it alone.  They are two adults.  Unless they have been diagnosed with alzheimers or amnesia they have not forgotten.  Set you and your FI's Plan B in motion to handle 100% of the expenses and if they come through at the last minute accept it graciously.  Don't tell them you have it covered though.  Just keep moving forward.  If they ask questions about the expenses then answer them.  But don't bring it up yourself.  They aren't obligated to pay though it would be nice if they followed through.  And in the future don't count your chickens before they've hatched.  I had to learn that on these boards as well so you're not alone.

AddieL73

I asked my dad directly. He had told me he would pay for the wedding, and when the time came to start planning, I called him and said, "Dad, are you still going to pay for the wedding?  If so, what is your budget for it?  We need to start planning."  And we went from there. 

heroeswearbrown

My parents have been helping us pay for the wedding but it wasn't a lump sum agreement. They told me what they were willing to spend and I worked that into my budget of things I wanted and allocated their promised funds. Since then, money from them has been on an as needed basis. Like tomorrow for instance, I will be calling my dad to let him know that I plan to pay the balance on the florist tomorrow, he'll transfer money into my account to pay for that, then we're square.

Maybe give him an exact number of what you're needing. "Hi dad, FI and I have finally picked a venue and to make sure we get the date we want, we will need x amount of the money you originally offered to us to pay the deposit. We'd like to do that as soon as possible. We'd love to show you the place if you're free on Saturday." etc.

Dreamergirl8812

I already had a ridiculously extensive and detailed budget on an excel spreadsheet when I asked my dad to help. I emailed the budget to him, and he mulled it over for a few days. Then he agreed to pay for it. I think it helped that he knew exactly what he was paying for, rather than just sending me some money.

If you print it out and sit down with it, it will kind of force the issue, without you having to explicitly ask for money.

I made it very clear that we would pay for anything above that figure. I've also been keeping my stepmom posted on wedding details as they come up. I know they appreciate that a lot.

Kate61487

I agree that you should stop trying to be subtle and sit down to have a frank conversation with them.  Lay out the big ticket items and how much they cost.  I'd leave the dates out of it, aside from maybe saying 'we need to start putting deposits down next week' (or whenever it is).  Simply because they could write you a check for the 25% down, telling you they'll give you the other 75% later and then fall through on the rest.  Unless you can cover the other 75% I'd try to get the full dollar amount up front so you can plan accordingly.

mdupon70997

It's been a rough road for us since we've stared planning. So many different dates and plans have fallen through. Yes, i agree that it is a little late in the game for us to be just now getting our vendors. But that's partly because we're relying on money that has been promised by my dad and stepmom. While I know its a faux pas to do this, but when we started planning we both went to our parents to tell them what our plans were and if they would be contributing so that we knew what kind of budget we would be working with. Our parents are both pretty open and wouldn't feel upset by us asking them. But lately it's just been a hassle to do anything wedding related.