Full reception after elopement?

KN2011

We're getting married on Novemeber 5th of this year, and we couldn't be more excited!  We've decided to elope (shhh!  It's a secret!) to New Orleans, with only our baby girl and two best friends in attendance.  It's going to be amazing.

But...

We want to include our families with a reception afterward, since they'll all be put out about the secret wedding.  The problem is, with an impending move, we don't have the financial recourses to fund a reception for 150 people until the end of the year.  The problem is that he's leaving for boot camp on December 5th, exactly one month after our wedding , and we need that month in between for saying goodbye, packing, changing my name, and sorting out our dependant forms with the Navy.  He gets back in January, but then baby and I will be moving across the country to join him in Charleston.  Not the best time to have a reception, I think you'll agree.

So, at earliest, this puts us at a reception next spring.  Is this allowable?  I think that's a little too late, but I hate to nix it altogether.  He doesn't see the problem with it, and doesn't htink that his family will either, provided we keep the wedding a secret until then. 

What do you think?  Is 5-6 months too late to have a reception, even under the circumstances?  

danieliza1127

I think when you elope, you give up the big reception/party.  I definitely think it's wrong to get married and keep it a secret and then have a ceremony and reception next year, all the while your family not knowing that you're married.  If you want to get married and elope, go for it!  But don't then try to come back and have the big to-do.  Pick one or the other, in my opinion.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:22f9090e-8ebf-4ca9-b2a0-139c20ed93c2">Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're getting married on Novemeber 5th of this year, and we couldn't be more excited!  We've decided to elope (shhh!  It's a secret!) to New Orleans, with only our baby girl and two best friends in attendance.  It's going to be amazing. But... <strong>We want to include our families with a reception afterward, since they'll all be put out about the secret wedding.</strong>  The problem is, with an impending move, we don't have the financial recourses to fund a reception for 150 people until the end of the year.  The problem is that he's leaving for boot camp on December 5th, exactly one month after our wedding , and we need that month in between for saying goodbye, packing, changing my name, and sorting out our dependant forms with the Navy.  He gets back in January, but then baby and I will be moving across the country to join him in Charleston.  Not the best time to have a reception, I think you'll agree. So, at earliest, this puts us at a reception next spring.  Is this allowable?  I think that's a little too late, but I hate to nix it altogether.  He doesn't see the problem with it, and doesn't htink that his family will either, <strong>provided we keep the wedding a secret until then.</strong>  What do you think?  Is 5-6 months too late to have a reception, even under the circumstances?  
Posted by KN2011[/QUOTE]
If you want to include your respective families, having a secret wedding isn't the way to go. If money is a really big issue, you could take your immediate families with you to the courthouse for a JOP ceremony, then out to a nice dinner afterward. That sounds much nicer to me than a secret elopement and a bigger reception later. Whatever you do, don't hide your marriage from your families. They'll be really upset, rightfully so, when they do find out. Lying by omission is still lying.

mandysmear

Hello gift grabby.

NcsuPsych

Why do you want to continue to keep the wedding a secret until the 'reception'?  Isn't that what Eloping is for, so that after you do that, you can tell people?

Personally, I would be offended that it had been kept a secret for so long, but thats just me.

FutureMrsTR

Ditto Dani, I think that by eloping you give up the big reception and all the other stuff that goes along with a traditional wedding.  You can't have your cake and eat it, too.

pixiedust84

Why not just wait to get married until you can do both at the same time? Also I'm not really a fan of the whole secret elopement thing - do you not want your families there? Are you planning on telling them after at least? I hate when people get married and don't tell anyone.

I don't think it's okay to have a reception that far after your wedding. It may be okay to have a party - just no first dance, no cake cutting, no big white dress, etc. If you do all that it's clearly a reception which doesn't make sense because a) You've been married for 6 months and b) Nobody was invited.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:22f9090e-8ebf-4ca9-b2a0-139c20ed93c2">Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're getting married on Novemeber 5th of this year, and we couldn't be more excited!  We've decided to elope (shhh!  It's a secret!) to New Orleans, with only our baby girl and two best friends in attendance.  It's going to be amazing. But... We want to include our families with a reception afterward, since they'll all be put out about the secret wedding.  The problem is, with an impending move, we don't have the financial recourses to fund a reception for 150 people until the end of the year.  The problem is that he's leaving for boot camp on December 5th, exactly one month after our wedding , and we need that month in between for saying goodbye, packing, changing my name, and sorting out our dependant forms with the Navy.  He gets back in January, but then baby and I will be moving across the country to join him in Charleston.  Not the best time to have a reception, I think you'll agree. So, at earliest, this puts us at a reception next spring.  Is this allowable?  I think that's a little too late, but I hate to nix it altogether.  He doesn't see the problem with it, and doesn't htink that his family will either, provided we keep the wedding a secret until then.  What do you think?  Is 5-6 months too late to have a reception, even under the circumstances?  
Posted by KN2011[/QUOTE]

Pick one.  Elope or have a family wedding.  Don't do both.

I think it's pretty crappy to say, "You weren't important enough to come to our real wedding, but shh, let's pretend this is our real reception and bring us a gift!"

When you elope, you make a choice to exclude family and friends.  Live with that choice if it's what you really want to do.  Some people will be piissed, but a fake reception 6 months later won't make them feel any better about it.

georgia_bride09

I agree with dani. Either elope in secret or have a wedding in front of friends and family. The entire point of eloping is to get married without all the trappings of a traditional wedding. You can't have your cake and eat it, too.

Why is your wedding such a huge secret?

pixiedust84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:22f9090e-8ebf-4ca9-b2a0-139c20ed93c2">Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're getting married on Novemeber 5th of this year, and we couldn't be more excited!  We've decided to elope (shhh!  It's a secret!) to New Orleans, with only our baby girl and two best friends in attendance.  It's going to be amazing. But... We want to include our families with a reception afterward, since they'll all be put out about the secret wedding.  The problem is, with an impending move, we don't have the financial recourses to fund a reception for 150 people until the end of the year.  The problem is that he's leaving for boot camp on December 5th, exactly one month after our wedding , and we need that month in between for saying goodbye, packing, changing my name, and sorting out our dependant forms with the Navy.  He gets back in January, but then baby and I will be moving across the country to join him in Charleston.  Not the best time to have a reception, I think you'll agree. So, at earliest, this puts us at a reception next spring.  Is this allowable?  I think that's a little too late, but I hate to nix it altogether.  He doesn't see the problem with it, and doesn't htink that his family will either, <strong>provided we keep the wedding a secret until then</strong>.  What do you think?  Is 5-6 months too late to have a reception, even under the circumstances?  
Posted by KN2011[/QUOTE]

ICK! I missed that part!! No absolutely this is not okay. I agree - you have to choose one.

georgia_bride09

TR, jinx. I have cake on the brain.

LesPaul

You're making a big assumption that they would even want to celebrate with you once they find out about your big lie.  Keeping the wedding a secret is just wrong.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm with PPs. The point of an elopement is NOT to have a big, all-inclusive wedding. I'd either push back the wedding until he gets back or just forego the party.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:9a86a846-81ea-4392-926a-5d7736561ec3">Re: Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Full reception after elopement? :  Some people will be piissed, but a fake reception 6 months later won't make them feel any better about it.
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

especially when they find out that you've been married all along and kept it a secret.

I get that you're getting married for military reasons, at least that's what I assume.  Maybe you could just have a big welcome home party next year when he gets back, but not call it a wedding.

KN2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:4ce24ef4-587c-4cb5-b03c-79e37accd576">Re: Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello gift grabby.
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

That's what I thought too.  I guess what I'm really asking is how to make everyone feel included when we don't want to include them.  There's some serious bad blood between our families, and even being at our wedding wouldn't stop the claws from coming out.  But it's not like we can hold two separate weddings any more than we can force everyone to get along.  Eloping, then having a reception later to accomodate everyone is the only way I see to make everyone happy.  Unfortunately, ithat's not do-able for us until later, for the reasons specified above.  I guess someone will just have to suck it up?

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:86074744-54af-4a4f-bf10-b160cf536d20">Re: Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Full reception after elopement? : That's what I thought too. <strong> I guess what I'm really asking is how to make everyone feel included when we don't want to include them.  T</strong>here's some serious bad blood between our families, and even being at our wedding wouldn't stop the claws from coming out.  But it's not like we can hold two separate weddings any more than we can force everyone to get along.  Eloping, then having a reception later to accomodate everyone is the only way I see to make everyone happy.  Unfortunately, ithat's not do-able for us until later, for the reasons specified above.  I guess someone will just have to suck it up?
Posted by KN2011[/QUOTE]

You can't.  You have to make a decision.  Exclude everyone and deal with the fact that they will be hurt, or actually include everyone at a regular wedding/reception and deal with the drama.  You can't have both.

If there's 'bad blood' between families, I don't see why that would magically go away because you're having your reception later.  People would still hate each other if that's the problem. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:86074744-54af-4a4f-bf10-b160cf536d20">Re: Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Full reception after elopement? : That's what I thought too.  I guess what I'm really asking is how to make everyone feel included when we don't want to include them.  There's some serious bad blood between our families, and even being at our wedding wouldn't stop the claws from coming out.  But it's not like we can hold two separate weddings any more than we can force everyone to get along.  Eloping, then having a reception later to accomodate everyone is the only way I see to make everyone happy.  Unfortunately, ithat's not do-able for us until later, for the reasons specified above.  I guess someone will just have to suck it up?
Posted by KN2011[/QUOTE]

If they can't get along at a wedding, what makes you think they'll get along at a reception? FWIW, my parents are non-amicably divorced and will have to stand to be in the same room with each other for the RD AND the wedding. Oh well! They're adults, and if they want to be there, they can suck it up. Or they can not come. Or you can just not invite them.

Now, my parents would be heartbroken if I got married without them. Can't you just grab your parents and go to the courthouse? Done and done.

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:86074744-54af-4a4f-bf10-b160cf536d20">Re: Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE] I guess what I'm really asking is <u><em>how to make everyone feel included when we don't want to include them</em></u>.  There's some serious bad blood between our families, and <u>even being at our wedding wouldn't stop the claws from coming out</u>.  But it's not like we can hold two separate weddings any more than we can force everyone to get along.  Eloping, then having a reception later to accomodate everyone is the only way I see to make everyone happy.  Unfortunately, ithat's not do-able for us until later, for the reasons specified above.  I guess someone will just have to suck it up?
Posted by KN2011[/QUOTE]

Sooo they can't get along at the ceremony, but they will get along at the reception?? I'm confused.

And as far as how to include someone that you don't want to include. . . mmm ya don't include them??

danieliza1127

I don't understand why you think they wouldn't get along at your wedding but they would get along 6 months later at your reception?

You don't have to include your families if you don't want.  It's that simple.  You just have to be prepared to face the consequences of making that choice.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Perhaps you can tell us who you don't want to include? Parents? Siblings? Second cousins?

TheCranberry

I think it's fine to have a party months later, but just don't call it a wedding reception or make it wedding reception-y.  Have it on your 6th month anniversary and call it an anniversary party or something.  Or the welcome home party that someone else suggested. 

I agree with others that you shouldn't ask for presents and you definitely should not lie about being married. 

salt78

I don't think there is anything romantic or amazing about keeping that kind of secret from your family and friends. Think about their feelings. 

georgia_bride09

[QUOTE]I think it's fine to have a party months later, but just don't call it a wedding reception or make it wedding reception-y.  Have it on your 6th month anniversary and call it an anniversary party or something.  Or the welcome home party that someone else suggested.  I agree with others that you shouldn't ask for presents and you definitely should not lie about being married. 
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]

If I got an invitation to go to an anniversary party for a couple that A) had only been married six months, and B) had eloped and then sent me said invitation, you better believe I'd be rolling my eyes and trashing the invite.

This is not a good idea.

psichick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:22f9090e-8ebf-4ca9-b2a0-139c20ed93c2">Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE] What do you think?  Is 5-6 months too late to have a reception, even under the circumstances?  
Posted by KN2011[/QUOTE]

<div>under what circumstances? not to be rude, but why do people think that someone being in the military is somehow and excuse to marry in secret and lie to everyone and it's ok because you know, it's the military and it's a special circumstance. um....no it's not. you're lying to your family, which sucks. don't do it. </div>

TheCranberry

[QUOTE]If I got an invitation to go to an anniversary party for a couple that A) had only been married six months, and B) had eloped and then sent me said invitation, you better believe I'd be rolling my eyes and trashing the invite.

This is not a good idea.[\QUOTE]

I don't think it's a big deal.  I assume the people they invite will know they didn't have a celebration after the elopment so they will understand that these people aren't trying to throw another party for themselves in addition to the wedding reception they had 6 months ago (or however long ago it was). 

I've been to three wedding celebrations that occurred months after the actual ceremony.  Two were basically like a dinner dance and none of the typical "wedding" features.  There was food, alcohol and dancing but no wedding attire or tossing of the bouquet, etc.  My uncle showed his wedding video on a loop during the dancing and had a photographer.  The other wasn't really any different from fancy anniversary or retirement parties that I've gone to.  People weren't expected to bring gifts to either, and these were both parties for couples who had destination weddings that most of the local people could not attend.

The other was basically a fake wedding.  The couple got married almost a year before the wedding because she got pregnant while they were planning their original wedding.  They didn't tell many people, and I only knew because it was my FI's best friend.  They had a full ceremony/reception the follwoing year.  I don't know how many people at the wedding knew they were already married, but I thought the whole thing was weird and tacky.

I think it's fine to celebrate a marriage that already took place as long as you're not trying to pretend that this is the actual marriage.  In the end, OP, you have to do what makes you comfortable. 

formerlymeowmeow

You can do what you want to do it's your wedding, and I am assuming your paying for it.  I am having an At Home Celebration 3 mo after my destination wedding.  I am not doing it for gifts, I am doing it so people who couldn't make it don't feel left out and get a chance to celebrate with us.  I am having a full meal, bar and dancing, and if people don't want to come out and have a good time on my dime, that's there problem they can stay home.  People go away and marry for different reason's.

SheDiva4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:27990d2e-f70e-4820-8db3-f81109ff8b5e">Re: Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]You can do what you want to do it's your wedding, and I am assuming your paying for it.  I am having an At Home Celebration 3 mo after my destination wedding.  I am not doing it for gifts, I am doing it so people who couldn't make it don't feel left out and get a chance to celebrate with us.  I am having a full meal, bar and dancing, and if people don't want to come out and have a good time on my dime, that's there problem they can stay home.  People go away and marry for different reason's.
Posted by formerlymeowmeow[/QUOTE]

I completely disagree, she is considering getting married and lying/not telling anyone for 6 months then have a big 'ole party to celebrate their wedding.  It's  lying to people you supposedly care about.  I don't know of many instances where that is acceptable.

Having an AHR after a destination wedding that your family and friend <strong>knew</strong> was taking place is appropriate.   

formerlymeowmeow

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_full-reception-after-elopement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5f3358e4-2ef7-4ece-b14a-b89082bb481bPost:f3b7f15b-4a5a-4288-8d48-0a196b6db298">Re: Full reception after elopement?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Full reception after elopement? : I completely disagree, she is considering getting married and lying/not telling anyone for 6 months then have a big 'ole party to celebrate their wedding.  It's  lying to people you supposedly care about.  I don't know of many instances where that is acceptable. Having an AHR after a destination wedding that your family and friend knew was taking place is appropriate.   
Posted by SheDiva4[/QUOTE]

I agree, she should notify her family she is eloping. 

Simply Fated

The problem is that he's leaving for boot camp on December 5th, exactly one month after our wedding , and we need that month in between for saying goodbye, packing, changing my name, and sorting out our dependant forms with the Navy.

You have an entire month to pick one night, have a dinner with your parents and that can be your "reception." I have no sympathy for you.

Krysti21

Don't use the military as an exuse to do this to your loved ones. I hate that more than anything, and my FI is in the Army. You don't have to be married for him to go to boot camp. Seriously. And lying to your family is a terrible idea, as is the reception 6 months later. Pick one or the other, as PPs have said.

Kristin789

When we got married, DH invited 7 people (MOG, FOG, his bro/wife/3kids), and I invited 7 people (MOB and 3 friends of MOB and 3 friends of mine).  Everybody came in, sat at the already-set tables, we went up to the front of the room, a judge married us, then we had lunch which was $16/per person inclusive.

Got the ring, planned the wedding for the next month on the same date.

Try something like that.  Much better than lying to everyone or fretting about who doesn't like who.

Oh, and about the lame later reception idea - don't do it.  Because every one of those I've heard about had planned for 100 people, and only about 22 showed up, because people just don't want to do that.  Looks like you are having a gift-drop-off party.