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Etiquette

Pollish: Out of town BMs and pre-wedding parties.

If you are a BM in a wedding that requires air travel to get to where the bride and all of her pre-wedding thingies are located, would you fly in JUST for things like the shower or the bachelorette party? 

If you are a bride with OOT wedding party members,  would you expect them to fly in JUST for showers and bachelorette parties?   Would you be butthurt if they didn't?

Is that over the top and expecting too much, or is that just something a BM should plan to spend for when they agree to be in your wedding party? 

(If you have never been in either of these situations, what do you think your standpoint would be if you were?)

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Re: Pollish: Out of town BMs and pre-wedding parties.

  • I would not fly in just for parties.  

    As a bride I wouldn't expect people to fly in for parties.

    I'm also a pretty frugal person.
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  • In Response to Pollish: Out of town BMs and pre-wedding parties.:
    If you are a bride with OOT wedding party members,  would you expect them to fly in JUST for showers and bachelorette parties?   Would you be butthurt if they didn't? Is that over the top and expecting too much, or is that just something a BM should plan to spend for when they agree to be in your wedding party?
    Posted by eastunder1
    I was THISCLOSE to responding in the thread below about this same topic.

    One of my BMs is in a plane ride away and I don't expect her to come to any showers or pre-wedding parties.

    Another BM is a 3-hour drive away, and I still don't expect her to come but she probably will if she is able.
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  • I wouldn't fly in for pre-wedding parties unless it was my sister.  I MIGHT for some of my close friends, but it depends largely on money.  I would send a nice gift and note though.

    2/4 of my BMs are OOT.  I don't expect them to fly in for the shower or B party.  I'd feel kind of guilty if they did.

    I really think the BMs just have to show up at the wedding.  Flying and taking off work is NOT cheap, and I don't really think any bride is that big of a deal. 
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  • Nope.  With the cost of travel, I think it's ridiculous to expect people to spend that kind of money for what is a minor event (compared to a wedding)

    I wouldn't do it if I was a BM and certainly wouldn't expect my BMs to.
  • I think it speaks to the state of my mind that I thought this was a question about Polish bridesmaids, so you may not want to listen to me. 

    That being said, I would not fly just for parties unless they were close enough to the wedding that I could just tack a couple days onto the trip. 
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  • I've never been in this situation. I wouldn't expect my friends/BMs to fly in for anything but a wedding for me. Of course I'd be totally psyched if the decided to fly in/travel for extra events.

    As for flying somewhere for a B Party or shower? If I could afford it and had the time I would, probably just for one event, though, not both. It would also depend if I had other stuff to do in the town I was going to.

  • I don't think it's required by any means. I would go if I could afford it, and if I couldn't, I would prioritize and assume that it's probably most important that I'm there for the wedding.

    I wouldn't expect my OOT to fly in for stuff like that. I would hope the planners would send them an invite to let them know that they were welcome and wanted, but I wouldn't be suprised or let down if they couldn't make it.

    I think they need to be there for the wedding and buy the dress, but other than that, I think people are expecting too much for all of their bridesmaids to travel for all of those things.
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  • I personally wouldn't be ok with flying in for showers, etc.  I think it's unfair of a bride to expect OOT BMs to do that.  Traveling like that gets incredibly expensive.  I do have OOT BMs, but they're a four hour drive away.  Even then, I don't expect them to drive in for a shower or bach party. I asked them becaue I want them there on the actual day of my wedding.  Their presence is always appreciated, but certainly not required before November 13, 2010.
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  • The last long distance (Maryland to Iowa) wedding I was in, I did not fly to the pre-wedding stuff.  The only way I could really see myself doing that is if I were MOH and was in charge of them, perhaps?

    As a bride I definitely will not expect anyone to come in for those things.

    If I were able to drive places, I would think a lot more about doing that.  I'd say 6 hours would be the max that I'd drive.
  • When I was MOH, I did fly in just to host the bridal shower.  We did the bachelorette the night before the wedding though, so I was already there for that. 

    When I BM in my brother's wedding, I know I did fly in and attend my SIL's shower, but my mom and the BMs planned it for a weekend I was already flying home anyway so that helped.

    So my long answer is, I don't know it depends.  I have driven 3 or 4 hours just to attend a shower as a BM, but it was always in my hometown anyway so I could visit family and friends the rest of the weekend.  If I was MOH, yes I would consider it part of my duties to fly in to host a shower or whatever.  If I was just a regular BM, I probably wouldn't fly in just for a shower but I would try to maybe plan it around when I would be the area anyway if that was at all possible. 
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  • If I were OOT, I would try my best to make it to at least one of the pre-wedding parties - either the shower or b-party

    I had a BM that was OOT, I didn't expect her to make to the shower/b-party (on the same weekend), but my Mom worked it out so that she could be here. I wouldn't have been hurt if she didn't make it though.
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  • It would depend - If I was the person who had moved out of town and away from my friends/family, then I would really consider flying in for these events, as it would give me a chance to see people while I was there.
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  • I would fly in for parties if I could fly Southwest and get cheap tickets.  Otherwise, probably not.  And I wouldn't expect my BMs to either.
  • I would fly/drive in if I could afford it. If I could afford one pre wedding party it would be the bachelorette party. I hate hate hate showers.

    I didn't expect BMs to fly/drive in for the parties and I told them this. My sister scheduled the shower and bachelorette party on the same weekend to make it easier for anyone that did want to attend one or both. 


  • If I could comfortably afford it, and it was a good friend or close family member (which I'm assuming it would be, if I'm in the wedding party), and there was some way to make it longer than a weekend trip, I'd fly in for pre-wedding parties.  Just once though. Definitely not for every shower and b-party.   

    I'd never, ever expect that of my party.  Even mine would have to drive a few hours, and I don't expect that. 
  • For me, traveling for those events would depend on how close I am to the person, if I had the money and time and how far away they were. 

    2 of my 3 BMs were OOT and they ended up planning my bach party for Wednesday and in a day earlier than they would've normally.  I totally didn't ask them to do that (and felt a little guilty) but it was so freakin' sweet. 
  • edited November 2009
    I did not expect my BMs to fly out here for my shower, so I flew to them, as did my sister (MOH), since we are both from Colorado where my BMs lived. We had the shower at my mom's house, so we got to see family and friends from back home. It was a win-win. My girlfriends from back home are way closer to me than my girlfriends out here, so I chose to bring the party to them rather than risk missing them at my shower and b-party.

    Also, I knew they'd be flying out for the wedding (actually, one BM took the train with her husband and two small sons for two days because she has a fear of flying), so I didn't want to double their travel costs.

    EDIT: Oh, and when I was MOH for my sister's wedding, I drove to Maryland to host her shower (10 hours), but I don't know if I could have done that for anyone else.



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  • As a side note, I work with a girl who traveled all over the place including Kansas for her friend's bach parties, showers, wedding, etc.  I thought it was totally ridiculous.  The bride definitely pushed for it.
  • If I could just drive a few hours to attend one, I probably would.  But I would never fly in.  Thats just too much money/time/hassle to spend to be at a shower.  No way. 

    I'm glad most everyone else feels this way too.  I had never actually considered this subject before and wa starting to wonder if I was just an @sshole.

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  • If I could comfortably afford to fly to these parties as well as get the time off, I probably would.  I wouldn't stretch myself or my money to do it, though.

    I would never expect a BM to put that much effort in for me.  I have one BM who is a 5-6 hour drive away and they planned a super early bachlorette just so she could be there for it.  Otherwise, she wouldn't have made a special trip for it and I wouldn't have wanted her to.
  • My sister is my MOH She's the only one standing with me. She is a plane ride away. I don't expect her to fly in or plan for any parties for me. if she wants to throw a bachlerette party then she would probably do it while in town for the wedding if possible.
  • There's no way I'd fly in for the parties, especially not if they were close together. We don't do showers here, but say that my MOH lived a flight away and was having an engagement party- If it was spaced far apart (eg. six months) from the wedding, I would fly for sure. But for the bach/hen's night? No, I wouldn't, and I would never expect her to do so, either.
  • Two of my BMs are in Florida, and I don't expect them to fly up for my bachelorette party or my shower.  I would be pleasantly surprised if they did, and will make sure to have an invitation sent to them, but I don't expect them to come up.  They already have to pay to fly up for the wedding, that's expensive enough.
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  • I have an OOT bridesmaid and I don't expect her to come to any pre-parties.  She is on the other side of the country and it's going to cost her enough to get here for the wedding.

    I also would not travel that far if I was in a wedding. A couple hour drive, I'd make my best effort to get there and spend the night.  Otherwise, no go.
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  • I have done both.  First when I was in college, I didn't fly up to MSP from Indiana, but I sent a present.  Second time, we planned the shower/bachelorette/dress fittings in one weekend.  So I flew from VA (grad school) to Chicago.  Just recently I flew home from BOS for a friend where I am the MOH.  I requested that we put the shower and bachelorette party on the same day, so that I could at least save $300. 

    i think it depends.  I don't think that a bride should demand it.  On the other hand, if you are planning it for a very close friend (I have no sisters), everyone makes the schedule work so that as many people as possible can attend. 

    NOT A REQUIREMENT THOUGH!  And I wouldn't be hurt for the most part (depending on who was not coming and how far away and if they had input on the planning).
  • I wouldn't expect people to fly in from OOT just for parties and definitely wouldn't be upset if someone couldn't make it.
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  • I would not fly in for just parties. If possible, I would go to one and stay a few days.

    My BM was OOT and couldn't make the bachelorette party. She was able to drive the 6 hours from MD to make my shower and I really appreciated that.

    If I were a BM, I would expect to pay for travel, but as a bride I would never expect my BP to do that. I just appreciated whatever they could do.
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  • I wouldn't fly for pre-wedding parties unless I happened upon a large amount of money or had some extra.
    I have a BM that lives a 12 hour car drive away. I don't expect her to be here for anything but the wedding. She has a job and a life of her own! My other two bridesmaids were discussing my B party and I said that BM#3 probably wouldn't be there and my MoH said "oh, she better be there!" I think it's rude to expect someone to come to every one of your wedding events, unless they are planning them
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  • I would not fly in for the parties. 

    I had 4 OOT people coming to my stagette.  (no shower)  So, I asked my sister to try and figure out a date that worked well.  One BM was driving through my city on her way home from spending New Year's in the mountains, so it worked well for her and her BF's mom lives in my city so he just hung out with his mom.

    Then the other 3 carpooled from a town 5 hours away. 

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  •   I have 2 OOT BM's and have told them both that they are not expected at the showers.  One I am actually having throw me a shower in my hometown since she and a majority of my relatives still live there.

    But I have said that I would like them to be there for the bachelorette, since I feel that is such a great bonding time since all of my BM's do not know each other.  But I would not throw a fit or anything if money stopped them from making the bachelorette.

    The wedding is the most important part, and treasure that they want to be there for you then!
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