Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion
Options

Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please

2»

Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please

  • Options
    KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    First Comment
    In Response to Re:Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please:[QUOTE]i think she's referring more to your constant insistence that her StepMom did something to provoke her mother's reaction at the last wedding and constant arguing that something as benign and touching the card box is a mortal offense if you didn't squeeze the bride out of your vagina. nbsp; Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    You just got me yelled at by my math professor. Totally worth it.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jenferianjenferian member
    First Comment
    NYU, on the receiving end of your comments and just observing your contributions and tone (I'm a writer, so I tend to overanalyze things, to be fair), it sounds like you hold a lot of resentment and anger towards her.

    It sucks being mad and angry. It turns you into an ugly person. That's just my humble contribution from someone who's been through a situation that strikes familiar notes to your own.

    Life is too beautiful to get caught up in the ugly and petty.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jenferianjenferian member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:3ab7db95-9982-4235-9914-1ad49f219028">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please : <a href=" <a href="http://www.gifbin.com/982166"> /><img src=" <a href="http://gifs.gifbin.com/1233928590_citizen" rel="nofollow">http://gifs.gifbin.com/1233928590_citizen</a> kane clapping.gif" alt="funny gifs" /></a /> NYU, The situation has nothing to do with SM, just mom's actions. OP- give mom the benefit of the doubt in attending, but give her ways out too- E party if she wants, post-wedding get together, or even just a sober BM/GM/Friend to drive her to the hotel if she gets a little BSC.
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

    Hahah I love the 'give her an out' option. Seriously, thank you.
    </a>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:8afbb7cd-4c5b-48d2-92c1-d5e6792e0d7b">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please : Hahah I love the 'give her an out' option. Seriously, thank you.
    Posted by jenferian[/QUOTE]

    Like you said, she knows she may not be able to handle it, and as a former Girl Scout, I'm always prepared! (I also suggest taking any family pics with her FIRST and then have someone whisk her away, maybe to the bar? so you can take some with dad and SM)
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:1bcaf9e8-9bd9-4756-bdf2-9c74cda69877">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]NYU, on the receiving end of your comments and just observing your contributions and tone (I'm a writer, so I tend to overanalyze things, to be fair), it sounds like you hold a lot of resentment and anger towards her. It sucks being mad and angry. It turns you into an ugly person. That's just my humble contribution from someone who's been through a situation that strikes familiar notes to your own. <strong>Life is too beautiful to get caught up in the ugly and petty.</strong>
    Posted by jenferian[/QUOTE]

    Kudos to you on the bolded part.

    I agree with all you said here though. I'm also a divorced parents child but with WAY more family dynamics. crazy actually, still don't know how i'm sane. wait, i think i'm not insane. :)
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jenferianjenferian member
    First Comment
    NYU,

    Since when is love logical? Or any emotion for that reason?

    Look, hun, you have two choices here:

    * Get over it. Accept it. Move on. Be happy. Accept that your Dad screwed up. Love him anyway.

    OR

    * Don't get over it. Use it as your crutch to be miserable and sad. Do all in your power to make her--another human being--hurt and feel bad about herself. Go out of your way to make sure she knows she's not worthy of being at your wedding or a part of your life. Enjoy the one day of your life where you have the power to make another human being hurt and feel bad about herself. But know in the end that SHE is the mature adult who sucked it up regardless and attended the wedding of her husband's daughter. Know that SHE is the classy one who was willing to endure the looks and dismissals.

    A marriage involves TWO people. A happy person in a happy relationship is not going to cheat.

    I hope to God you never ever have to endure being looked down upon or treated as less than because someone didn't agree with your life choice or would't forgive a mistake you made. God bless you if that never happens. God bless you for being so perfect you never mess up.  And pray to God you don't have to remarry and end up with a stepdaughter like you.

    Good luck.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    First Comment
    In Response to Re:Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please:[QUOTE]Stage, do you not understand the difference between touch and hold?nbsp; Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    What does it matter? She wasn't running off with the box to her car. For all you know, OP's dad was putting on his coat and asked SM to hold it for a moment. YOU DON'T KNOW. And, as others have pointed out, both OP AND OP's mom admit that SM was doing NOTHING wrong and mom's flipping out was a severe overreaction. LET IT GO.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Just cuz you hate your SM doesn't mean everyone should hate theirs. I mean I don't hate mine- but that's because she isn't worth my time to think about. I hope your husband makes sign a pre-nup so once he realizes you're like a pre-programmed robot with prescribed emotions and is incapable of development over time, he can  trade you in for a more scalable model.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:6fac2dca-26e6-4f3e-b436-4121d96b820d">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Kelly -- Jen's story was that SM did more than touch the box.  Why do feel the need to exaggerate?  Jen -- still waiting to understand the bridezilla reference.  Thats not the same as angry. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jenferianjenferian member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:6fac2dca-26e6-4f3e-b436-4121d96b820d">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Kelly -- Jen's story was that SM did more than touch the box.  Why do feel the need to exaggerate?  <strong>Jen -- still waiting to understand the bridezilla reference.  Thats not the same as angry.</strong> 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    You may want to scroll up to read your comments about having your SM removed from the invitation and informing the photographer who's mom and who's the SM.

    I may have missed the part where you force her to wear an "A" on her outfit, too.

    ...

    Sorry, I'm getting defensive here. This stuff is hard.  Really hard.  Really, really hard.

    I think I see you as who I was a decade ago: angry and hurt. You sound like you hurt a lot and I think I'm projecting onto my 21-year-old self here.

    It hurts.  No two ways about it. My snarky comment about the "A" aside (seriously, tho, the way you talk about her here--it sounds like you want everyone to know how awful she is), I really think you should take some time to see someone about this. I went through years of therapy, went back to Church, lost a bunch of weight both physical and emotional...

    You have to let it go.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    First Comment
    In Response to Re:Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please:[QUOTE]Jen, I am not certain what those two choices have to do with being a bridezilla still waiting for an explanation on that, but oh well, and I think there isnbsp;a third choice, go on with my life, and not be involved in theirs.nbsp;nbsp; As to anyone who had an affair being described as classy for showing up at the affair parents daughter's wedding, that's a laugh. Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Except you ARE involved in their lives by ACCEPTING YOUR DAD's MONEY FOR YOUR PPD. Seriously? How are you so flvcking dense that you don't understand that?! YOUR DAD CHEATED ON YOUR MOM, not his wife. HE IS AS MUCH AT FAULT FOR THEIR MARRIAGE ENDING as his new wife, if not more so, seeing as she was NOT in the marriage. So why does your dad get a free pass? HE ended HIS marriage to your mom.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:f715c951-0667-47f8-9341-cb97564eab3d">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jen, I am not certain what those two choices have to do with being a bridezilla (still waiting for an explanation on that, but oh well), and I think there is a third choice, go on with my life, and not be involved in theirs.   <strong>As to anyone who had an affair being described as classy for showing up at the affair parents daughter's wedding, that's a laugh.
    </strong>Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Not that it will change a thing in your line of thinking, but she is not his mistress.   Perhaps she <em>was</em> his mistress, but as she is now his wife, she has every right to show up anywhere that she and her husband are invited.
    image
    Daisypath Anniversary tickersFollow Me on Pinterest
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    NYU - just shut up for the love of God!!!

    Jen - I'm a 3 time MOB and SMOB.  I am really impressed by your outlook on all of this and your posts remind me of how fortunate I am, what is really important, and how careful we all must be when judging others lives.  For your own sanity...NYU will keep this up as long as you keep feeding her.  She has serious issues with any stepmom and we have tried to discuss this with her for months.

    I applaud you for your outlook, for trying to share this with NYU and the rest of us, but take my word for it, she won't quit.


    Report Reply
  • Options
    TheVirginiansTheVirginians member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Jenferian, you seem like such an awesome person. Can I be your friend?
    Report Reply
  • Options
    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:f715c951-0667-47f8-9341-cb97564eab3d">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jen, I am not certain what those two choices have to do with being a bridezilla (still waiting for an explanation on that, but oh well), and I think there is a third choice, go on with my life, and not be involved in theirs.   As to anyone who had an affair being described as classy for<strong> <em>showing up</em></strong> at the affair parents daughter's wedding, that's a laugh.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Well she was invited, said she's go, and showed up. That's pretty classy.

    Is your dad going to show up to your wedding, which he's paying for? Because, based on your definition of classy, you are the daughter of an unclassy fellow. I mean, if he shows up, what's going to happen?? I mean, he is is someone who had an affair!!! OH EM GOOODNESS! (clutches pearls tucked neatly underneath mint collarless jacket and stomps out in low, sensible heels and nylons fall causing elephant ankles below the tea-length mint straight skirt.)

    You can go with #3- but you'll be miserable. Oh... wait.... did I say be? I mean are. Oops...
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    rsannarsanna member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    All I have to say is that jenferian makes up for everything that comes out of NYU's mouth. 
    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    First Comment
    In Response to Re:Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please:[QUOTE]All I have to say is that jenferian makes up for everything that comes out of NYU's mouth.nbsp; Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

    Cosigned, though I still wish NYU would just disappear to a loony bin without internet where she belongs.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    stantokmstantokm member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    I just want to say that you, Jenferian, are probably the kindest person to ever post on this site.  I'm impressed with your ability to forgive and I hope that I can be that strong if I'm ever in a similar situation.  Good luck with your wedding and your marriage.  :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
    First Comment
    In Response to Re:Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please:[QUOTE]Maybe one day she and KristenNumbers will end up in an Epic Rap Battle over stepmoms that results in both of their computers blocking TK forevermore? nbsp;A gal can dream, right? Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    That would be amazing! Maybe someday we'll get that lucky... though I won't hold my breath.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'll admit I cam in here wondering what NYU will post. Of course, she didn't disappoint.                                  

     Jen your attitude is awesome,  I'm sure it's easier to go around life being happy and not being bitter.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jenferianjenferian member
    First Comment
    Thank you everyone for your contributions.

    Life isn't easy. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and mess up and wish we could turn back the hands of time and get a do over. I'm just as a guilty as the next guy of holding a grudge or being ugly and petty. I strive to be better and that's all I can do--try to be better.

    It's so easy to sit and judge someone else. WHat they did or failed to do and how you would never ever do such a thing. But how can you say that when you're not in the situation?

    Life is all about choices. You have a choice in every situation--and that choice is how you respond to something. Trying to control other people or events or fate is futile and will drive you mad. Let people be.

    Wow, sorry, I somehow launched into this whole preachy mode. Sorry, it's been a rough couple of days dealing with parent divorce drama stuff and my friend's husband passing.

    Hug someone you love tonight.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jenajjthrjenajjthr member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think I'm in love with Jenferian.  Seriously.  Your attitude and outlook is amazing. 

    I didn't have parents who cheated, I had a H who cheated.  For the longest time I was like NYU and HAD to blame the other woman.  I couldn't and wouldn't blame H for the cheating.  To do so would have to mean I'd have to face an even uglier truth, the man I loved was purposefully doing something to hurt me.  Nobody wants to face that, especially daughters about their dad.  NYU can't accept that her dad did something bad that caused her pain and anger.  It's easier to accept that this other woman did it instead of family. 

    It took years for me to leave my exH (emotional and financial reasons).  It wasn't until I got into therapy and faced a lot of inner demons that I could begin to let go of the pain and anger.  I was finally able to start putting part of the blame onto the right person, take it off of me, take some away from the other women (yes,plural). 

    Today I'm still hurt that somebody I loved and trusted could hurt me so bad, could hurt our kids, and still has the attitude he did nothing wrong.  But I've learned to Let. It. Go.  His actions do not affect me any more, and the only one he will hurt in the future is himself.  He has since remarried and his new wife was very happy to push our kids out of the picture.  Scheduled visitation became "Can't take the kids this weekend"  We are moving out of state, but can't have the kids over before we move.  After the move, kids hear from dad maybe once every two weeks on a 10 minute phone call.  I hurt for my kids that they are losing their dad, but I'm not angry anymore. His actions do not surprise me. I am beyond thankful that I met a man who loves me, treats me with all the love and respect I deserve, and has gracefully stepped into a role he did not want (in terms of they had a dad and he wasn't replacing him) but nonetheless now has. 

    I know many years from now I will be facing this dilemma when my kids start the marrying phase.  I refuse to be the person who can't be an adult for the sake of my kids happiness. 

    NYU, let go of the displaced anger.  Letting it go does not mean you have to then direct it at your dad, it just means let it go.  Anger only destroys the person who has it, not the person they are angry at.

    Jenferian....keep the wonderful attitude.  Love your mom, Love your dad for all their good and bad.  You are right, none of us are perfect and yet we are loved unconditionally.  The least we can do is try and do the same.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:eacfc9b1-f96b-441f-ae4b-7d98696ed52e">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jena Please tell me what I am doing that you and others find unacceptable.  All I am saying is that SM is not mom -- she's not, she's dad's wife. She gets invited to wedding, but her name does not go on invitiation. Why should it? She didn't help raise me? 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Your SM's name doesn't have to go on YOUR invite, but you're obviously holding a bitter, bitter grudge against her when <em><strong>your father</strong></em> was responsible for the affair that led to the divorce. Sure your SM was the other half, but your dad wouldn't have had an affair if he didn't want to. It's not your SM's fault, it's just easier to blame her and lie to yourself.

    OP's SM has obviouly been a gracious member of this post-divorce family and OP has no reason to exclude her soley becaus of her mother's potential behavior.

    Sometimes children are just as close to SM as their bio-mom. Every situation is different and you can't (but obviouly are) judging the realtionships of others based on your one experience.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:0fa9398e-f917-472f-88d6-82f2cc974766">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have never said that SM name can NOT go on invite, I did say that Crane's said it should not go on invite for Wedding Ceremony.  <strong>I just do agree</strong> when some people say that SM MUST be treated as a parent.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    I'm going to pretend you mean "don't"

    I think that SM should be treated with the same respect as the parent they are attached to  because, hello, she's a step MOTHER. In family pictures, I mean she is your family, whether you like it or not. So in a "Parents of the bride" photo- she MUST be included if you do not want to be a super-botch. But you seem to have a vendetta agains SMs so you will have no problem acting the way you want to.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:07fafdb1-27ba-44a3-a422-6a58f85c4623">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, typo. Yes, the word is stepMOTHER.  I will also two grandMOTHERS at my wedding.  Other people may have GodMOTHERS or even former class mothers.  None of these people are mothers becuase their title includes the word mother.  SM is not a parent.  Yes, family, but for many pictures entire family will not be in picture. <strong> I disagree that one must have SM in every picture with Dad -- or that one is a b@tch if one does not include her</strong>.  I do not insist for everyone that SM can not be in pictures, it seems that you insist that SM must be treated as mom, regardless of situation.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    I agree that SM  does not have to be in every picture with dad.   I also agree that one is a <a href="mailto:b@tch" rel="nofollow">b@tch</a> if they do not include them in ANY picture.


    I saw my parent's "parents" wedding picture the other day.  I've seen it a bunch of times, but this post made me think of it.  My grandma died when my dad was 19.  Grandpa had an companion for many years (till he died actually).  They lived together, but had separate bedrooms (or least that's what they told us). They never married and my father never considered her a mom. Yet she was in the parents shot.   So while this woman was not even legally a step-mom, my dad respected their relationship.

    I guess my point is,  don't think your SM needs to be in every shot with your dad and more than I thought my still married parents need to be in every shot together.    However, I think taking a second of your time to have few shots to include her would mean a lot to your dad. 

    And the best thing is you don't even have to put the picture in your album or anything.     I don't know about you, but I have 2000 shots and a 50 page album.  I happily took shots with people I didn't really care.   It made them happy and I knew I never had to see the picture again..






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jenferianjenferian member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:338615f5-ca2a-4f8e-8cdf-2bc7583dbb72">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think I'm in love with Jenferian.  Seriously.  Your attitude and outlook is amazing.  I didn't have parents who cheated, I had a H who cheated.  For the longest time I was like NYU and HAD to blame the other woman.  I couldn't and wouldn't blame H for the cheating.  To do so would have to mean I'd have to face an even uglier truth, the man I loved was purposefully doing something to hurt me.  Nobody wants to face that, especially daughters about their dad.  NYU can't accept that her dad did something bad that caused her pain and anger.  It's easier to accept that this other woman did it instead of family.  It took years for me to leave my exH (emotional and financial reasons).  It wasn't until I got into therapy and faced a lot of inner demons that I could begin to let go of the pain and anger.  I was finally able to start putting part of the blame onto the right person, take it off of me, take some away from the other women (yes,plural).  Today I'm still hurt that somebody I loved and trusted could hurt me so bad, could hurt our kids, and still has the attitude he did nothing wrong.  But I've learned to Let. It. Go.  His actions do not affect me any more, and the only one he will hurt in the future is himself.  He has since remarried and his new wife was very happy to push our kids out of the picture.  Scheduled visitation became "Can't take the kids this weekend"  We are moving out of state, but can't have the kids over before we move.  After the move, kids hear from dad maybe once every two weeks on a 10 minute phone call.  I hurt for my kids that they are losing their dad, but I'm not angry anymore. His actions do not surprise me. I am beyond thankful that I met a man who loves me, treats me with all the love and respect I deserve, and has gracefully stepped into a role he did not want (in terms of they had a dad and he wasn't replacing him) but nonetheless now has.  I know many years from now I will be facing this dilemma when my kids start the marrying phase.  I refuse to be the person who can't be an adult for the sake of my kids happiness.  NYU, let go of the displaced anger.  Letting it go does not mean you have to then direct it at your dad, it just means let it go.  Anger only destroys the person who has it, not the person they are angry at. Jenferian....keep the wonderful attitude.  Love your mom, Love your dad for all their good and bad.  You are right, none of us are perfect and yet we are loved unconditionally.  The least we can do is try and do the same.
    Posted by jenajjthr[/QUOTE]

    Thank you. I'm very sorry for the pain you've endured. Good for you for knowing you deserved better--and that you deserve happiness and won't allow your pain and grief to steal your joy!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jenferianjenferian member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bitterly-divorced-parents-advice-wanted-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c8fd6af-2d09-431b-b572-752a641aaeacPost:eacfc9b1-f96b-441f-ae4b-7d98696ed52e">Re: Bitterly Divorced Parents: Advice Wanted, Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jena Please tell me what I am doing that you and others find unacceptable.  All I am saying is that SM is not mom -- she's not, she's dad's wife. She gets invited to wedding, but her name does not go on invitiation. Why should it? She didn't help raise me? 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    NYU, I recognize when my efforts are futile. I've said my piece and pointed out why I feel you may want to focus on letting go and moving on. That's all it is: a suggestion. I choose to focus on the good and put my energy into being positive and not waste time on the petty mean stuff. That's me. No one's telling you what to do or how to act. I'm in no position to judge you or how you respond; all I'm doing is attempting to empathize with your situation and thoughtfully suggest a better use of your energy and time. That's it and that's all.  I don't know you and I don't know what you've been thru with your SM. All I can say is life is too beautiful to get caught up in the ugly.

    I hope you have a beautiful wedding day and a wonderful marriage. Good luck!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards