Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!

bcbrown63

Warning: this is pretty long and really personal.  I just really need some advice, and any that you can give me will be greatly appreciated. 

Back story:  my mom and dad got divorced when I was about 9.  My mom raised me and my brother alone after that.  Since then, he’s continued to steal from my mom, occasionally harass her via telephone, and the last time he even brought me into the middle of an argument.  He has since moved thousands of miles away, but still occasionally contacts me via email and sends me birthday cards.  I saw him this past summer because my grandmother (his mom) passed away, and my brother and I attended the funeral. 

I’m getting married in 5 months, and am still completely undecided as to whether I should tell my father/invite him.  I did not tell him that I was engaged last summer when I saw him (I wasn’t sure if I would invite him – didn’t want to cause conflict when his mother just died). 

My mother has wanted nothing to do with him for years, and recently got remarried.  She is paying for the wedding, and has told me she doesn’t want him there. 

I just wonder if I’ll look back at my wedding and regret not having my father there.  Even after all he’s done to my mom, I honestly feel like he loves me and my brother very much, but sucks at showing it (that kind of sounded like an enabling statement).  Should I consider asking my mom to talk to him?

Any advice?  Has anyone been in a similar situation?

EDIT: FORMATTING

StephBeanWed61502

Have you talked to your FI about this?  I know for me, my H can be a really great source of outside perspective when I'm dealing with tricky family issues.

StageManager14

Aww, sweetie, I feel for you so much! Unfortunately, no one can predict what you will or won't regret in the future. What I CAN tell you is that you have to make this decision for you and you alone. Don't let your mother, or your brother, or your pastor, or the local bartender tell you what you SHOULD do. For me, I knew that my dad was a Douchecanoe, but that cutting him out of my life completely was far more troublesome than putting up with occasional phone call and email, so that's how my life is. When it came time for the wedding, I had the same struggle you are having. What ultimately worked for me was inviting my dad and the stepwife, but treating them as any other guests. No front row seat next to mom, no walking me down the aisle, no father daughter dance. It was a compromise that I could live with that wouldn't cut him completely out but didn't make me uncomfortable. I can't tell you what the right answer for you is, but remember that even if you do invite him, that doesn't mean he has to play Steve Martin in Father of the Bride or anything. Do whatever feels best to you, whether it's not inviting him, inviting him just as a guest, or having him walk you down the aisle. Best of luck!

jcbsjr

Stage, that's excellent advice.  Good luck, OP.

StageManager14

In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!:

Stage, that's excellent advice.  Good luck, OP.
Posted by jcbsjr

Thanks!  Always glad when my screwed up parentage can actually be of some help to others.  :)  It took a loooooong time for me to learn that there was no "right" or "wrong" answer when it came to my dad.  And I find that it seems everyone has an opinion when it's a parent that's estranged.  It's hard not to get caught up in everyone else projecting THEIR emotions onto YOUR situation.

jcbsjr

I have to admit, not giving a crap about what my mom thinks has helped me tremendously.  

kwitherington

This is such a personal choice, so I don't really know if anyone can give you a RIGHT answer.  FWIW, this was DH and my experience:

DH ha's had a difficult relationship with his father for a long time.  They haven't spoken now in a year and a half, and I've never met his dad.  DH went back and forth on whether or not to invite him, but decided that he wasn't going to.  He based that on whether or not he wanted a relationship with his father in the future.  He decided that, while he wasn't opposed to a relationship, he no longer had an interest in being the one to instigate and maintain a relationship. 

Those might be good questions to ask yourself in this situation.  Do you want a relationship with your father?  Are you okay putting effort in to maintaining that relationship?  If the answer to those questions is yes, then you should invite him.  If the answer is no, then I don't think it's necessary.  If the answer is maybe, think about it a bit longer before making a decision.  All  of these answers are okay.

ETA:  from your ticket, it looks like you have about three months until you need to make a final decision on this.  You have plenty of time to ponder if and weigh the pros and cons.

bcbrown63

FI has been great at lending an ear and offering advice, but he always makes sure to tell me that it's ultimately my decision.  He thinks I should invite him.  He's also had trouble with his father in the past, and they've since mended their relationship because his father was able to change his destructive personality.  But I have come to grips with the fact that the chance my father will change is miniscule.

I'm just so terribly passive and try to avoid conflict at all costs, and I know that this will end up being one no matter what.  I can't keep the fact that I'm getting married from him forever, and I can't invite him without potentially upsetting my mom.  

I definitely need to think more on the fact that it could be a relationship ender if I don't invite him.

Thank you all so much for the advice, it's been tremendously helpful!

TXKristan

My SIL had this issue recently (although I don't believe the relationship was as strained as yours is).  She invited him and he decided about a month before the wedding that he would like to come and walk her down the aisle.  He had been vocal about the fact that he did not approve of my brother (her H) and he told her to do what she thought was right.

He showed up for the wedding (about 15 minutes before it started), walked her down the aisle (didn't shake my brother's hand or say a word to him), and did a dance with her.  That was it.  I was less than impressed, but my SIL said she was happy and has no regrets.

In 5 years, will you look back on this day and wish you had asked?

NYUgirl100

If your mom does not want him there, I do not think you should accept money from her for the wedding.  You should give her a heads up now. 

Peledreamsofrain

This is a tough situation, and unfortunately nobody can answer if you will regret not inviting him. But I personally would be leery of inviting a proven thief to an event where monetary gifts will be lying about all night.

jcbsjr

In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!:

If your mom does not want him there, I do not think you should accept money from her for the wedding.  You should give her a heads up now. 
Posted by NYUgirl100

I don't think she should do that until 1) she decides that she wants him there for sure And 2) whether her mom is insistent on him not being there If she wants her dad there and her mom says no, then it's time to decline her money.

NYUgirl100

I think it is gutsy/somewhat of an ingrate to invite to a wedding someone who stole from the person paying for the wedding.  So OP should not accept money from mom.

jcbsjr

Uh, like I said, she hasn't decided to invite him yet. Why should she turn down the money NOW.

NYUgirl100

The wedding is in 5 months.  Mom has said she does not want dad there.   All per OP.  I am guessing deposits have been made, or will be soon. OP has to make up her mind soon.   But I think she should be prepared to pay for it herself if she invited Dad, and repay mom any deposits.  It woudl be unacceptable to take ANY of mom's money, invite dad, and not tell mom.  I hope no one is suggesting that.   

Edie Bee

Who the hell suggested that?

NYUgirl100

Edie, the time line would suggest deposits have been made, and mom has not been informed that dad might be invited. 

Edie Bee

That doesn't answer my question.

Edie Bee

In case my question was unclear, who specifically suggested inviting Dad without telling Mom?

NYUgirl100

Edie, if you are talking to me, do you not see where I said IF OP is going to invite dad she should tell mom and return money.  Do you know what the word if means?

There are a lot of suggestions to invite Dad.  I just brought up that as mom is paying, OP should talk to mom first and be prepared to return the money.  IMHO, mom should not have to demand the return of the money.  OP knows mom does not want dad, who stole from her at wedding.  As to the poster who said OP has a lot of time, I think she does only if she can fund the wedding. 

jcbsjr

In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!:

In case my question was unclear, who specifically suggested inviting Dad without telling Mom?
Posted by Edie Bee

No one.

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!:

Edie, if you are talking to me, do you not see where I said IF OP is going to invite dad she should tell mom and return money.  Do you know what the word if means? There are a lot of suggestions to invite Dad.  I just brought up that as mom is paying, OP should talk to mom first and be prepared to return the money.  IMHO, mom should not have to demand the return of the money.  OP knows mom does not want dad, who stole from her at wedding.  As to the poster who said OP has a lot of time, I think she does only if she can fund the wedding. 
Posted by NYUgirl100

No, I don't.  Please explain it to me.

Your previous post said

In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!:

The wedding is in 5 months.  Mom has said she does not want dad there.   All per OP.  I am guessing deposits have been made, or will be soon. OP has to make up her mind soon.   But I think she should be prepared to pay for it herself if she invited Dad, and repay mom any deposits.  It woudl be unacceptable to take ANY of mom's money, invite dad, and not tell mom.  I hope no one is suggesting that.   
Posted by NYUgirl100

My question is, who suggested inviting dad and not telling mom?

jcbsjr

In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!:

If your mom does not want him there, I do not think you should accept money from her for the wedding.  You should give her a heads up now. 
Posted by NYUgirl100

Nowhere do you say IF you invite the dad. Your IF is in relation to her mom not wanting him there. You didn't say 'If you invite him and your mom doesn't want him there, then...'

NYUgirl100

The sentence "I would hope" does not imply that anyone actually suggested it.  

NYUgirl100

Geez, if she does not invite him, there is no need for any conversation.  Duh.


Seems  like a lot of people do not want to focus on the consequences to OP if she were to invite dad, which, imho, would mean she should return's mom's money.

Edie Bee

But according to OP's post, her mom never specifcally said "If you invite Dad, you need to return the money."

Edie Bee

To be clear, the OP doesn't say her mom said the money need to be returned if Dad is invited.

Edie Bee

And (sorry to keep posting multiple times), but we don't even know if returning the money is going to be an issue.

jcbsjr

Also, I can guarantee you that my ex BSC SIL probably tells the kids all sorts of lies about my brother. Not saying this the case with OP, but it's possible. I think if it's clear the moms hosting (like on the invitation), then her dad shoud be allowed to attend. It's a father/daughter relationship FFS.

NYUgirl100

All I am saying is that 5 months out, decisions need to be made.  Given that OP said dad STOLE from mom and mom does not want dad at the wedding, I think that the appropriate thing to do, IF OP wants dad there is to sit down with mom and say listen, I want dad there.  I know you do not.  Here is a check for [amount of deposits, etc].  If mom does not want to cash it, thats fine.

Of course, both parents can come.  But OP should not take money from mom and let mom think dad may not be invited.

jcb, I think it is wrong to take money from one parent in an estranged relationship and not be honest about who is invited.  Now here, it seems like OP is changing her mind.  Do you think it is right to continue taking money from mom and not inform mom that dad will be invited?  Do you think OP should not fund wedding herself if she wants to go against mom's wishes?   Lets say you are right, and dad did not steal,  is it still right to take money from mom and not tell mom you plan to invite dad?

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: Should I Invite My MIA Dad? Need Advice Please!:

All I am saying is that 5 months out, decisions need to be made.  Given that OP said dad STOLE from mom and mom does not want dad at the wedding, I think that the appropriate thing to do, IF OP wants dad there is to sit down with mom and say listen, I want dad there.  I know you do not.  Here is a check for [amount of deposits, etc].  If mom does not want to cash it, thats fine. Of course, both parents can come.  But OP should not take money from mom and let mom think dad may not be invited. jcb, I think it is wrong to take money from one parent in an estranged relationship and not be honest about who is invited.  Now here, it seems like OP is changing her mind.  Do you think it is right to continue taking money from mom and not inform mom that dad will be invited?  Do you think OP should not fund wedding herself if she wants to go against mom's wishes?   Lets say you are right, and dad did not steal,  is it still right to take money from mom and not tell mom you plan to invite dad?
Posted by NYUgirl100

But no one is telling her to lie nor did the OP said she was going to lie.