It turns out that weddings are about the parents

waywardgirl

Hi all. I'm not looking for advice here, I just want to vent because my fiance isn't interested in hearing about this and because I'm alone in a new city without anyone to really talk to.

I've been having troubles with the guest list because my in-laws are inviting a lot of distant relatives that aren't coming and my parents' families are so massive. Naturally, this has all come to a head -- I sent my parents the guest list to confirm and my mom came back and removed my cousins' SOs and added estranged family members who have been violent/inappropriate toward me and my siblings. I called back to discuss because they exceeded their limit of of 1/3 of the guest list by 20 people and included an A list and B list. I explained to them the etiquette issues and they said they were willing to deal with them. But they explained that because they're paying for the wedding, that they will invite who they want to invite, and that includes our entire family, no matter what our discussed limit was.

I guess what gets me is that they have told me over and over that this is what their parents did to them and that they weren't going to do this to me. I gave them a list to approve for a head count before I secured the venue, and they OK'd it. And then, of course, now that I'm cutting 20+ friends from my list (my fiance and I are now inviting 20% of guests, including us, our wedding party, our cousins' SOs, the vendors and our parents friends), my parents are wondering why - they say that if I want friends, that I should invite them because they're not expecting 20 of their guests to show up anyway, and my in-laws have guests they don't expect to show up, so there, we have 50 people we can invite. But we can't invite 50 people more than the space holds... plus an additional $500 worth of invitations isn't in our budget.

I'm frustrated, and I know you all are going to tear into me and say that this is what I get when my parents pay for the wedding. My dad has been saving up for my wedding since the day he knew he was having a daughter, and something he's been talking about his whole life. And we are paying for what we can afford of the wedding. And naturally, my fiance is so upset with me for not standing up to my dad properly, and saying that I should just cross people off the list that we don't want to come. But my parents keep saying that family trumps friends, and I have a lot of respect for my parents.

I'm confused and frustrated and I just wish I didn't have to cut people I have close relationships with for people who don't like me.

End rant. Please don't tell me that you told me so - it's not like I'm inviting more than my venue holds and I'm not doing the A list and B list (I'm just inviting both of my parents' lists...) and I'm not crossing people off their lists. I just want to get my feelings out there because I have no one else to talk to.

Edie Bee

In Response to It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

Hi all. I'm not looking for advice here, I just want to vent because my fiance isn't interested in hearing about this and because I'm alone in a new city without anyone to really talk to.

I've been having troubles with the guest list because my in-laws are inviting a lot of distant relatives that aren't coming and my parents' families are so massive. Naturally, this has all come to a head -- I sent my parents the guest list to confirm and my mom came back and removed my cousins' SOs and added estranged family members who have been violent/inappropriate toward me and my siblings. I called back to discuss because they exceeded their limit of of 1/3 of the guest list by 20 people and included an A list and B list. I explained to them the etiquette issues and they said they were willing to deal with them. But they explained that because they're paying for the wedding, that they will invite who they want to invite, and that includes our entire family, no matter what our discussed limit was.

I guess what gets me is that they have told me over and over that this is what their parents did to them and that they weren't going to do this to me. I gave them a list to approve for a head count before I secured the venue, and they OK'd it. And then, of course, now that I'm cutting 20+ friends from my list (my fiance and I are now inviting 20% of guests, including us, our wedding party, our cousins' SOs, the vendors and our parents friends), my parents are wondering why - they say that if I want friends, that I should invite them because they're not expecting 20 of their guests to show up anyway, and my in-laws have guests they don't expect to show up, so there, we have 50 people we can invite. But we can't invite 50 people more than the space holds... plus an additional $500 worth of invitations isn't in our budget.

I'm frustrated, and I know you all are going to tear into me and say that this is what I get when my parents pay for the wedding. My dad has been saving up for my wedding since the day he knew he was having a daughter, and something he's been talking about his whole life. And we are paying for what we can afford of the wedding. And naturally, my fiance is so upset with me for not standing up to my dad properly, and saying that I should just cross people off the list that we don't want to come. But my parents keep saying that family trumps friends, and I have a lot of respect for my parents.

I'm confused and frustrated and I just wish I didn't have to cut people I have close relationships with for people who don't like me.

End rant. Please don't tell me that you told me so - it's not like I'm inviting more than my venue holds and I'm not doing the A list and B list (I'm just inviting both of my parents' lists...) and I'm not crossing people off their lists. I just want to get my feelings out there because I have no one else to talk to.

Posted by waywardgirl

I'm sorry this is so frustrating for you.

When is your wedding?  You bio says it was this past August.  Did the date get pushed back?

Can you turn down their money and just have a smaller wedding with people YOU and your FI want?

waywardgirl

Edie,

I'm having my wedding next year - I messed up the date. I still sometimes write that it's 2011... and it's about to become 2013! Ack.

I mentioned it, and my parents flipped out and said I was being passive aggressive and a martyr, but that's not what I meant by it. It would honestly break my dad's heart, and if I did suggest it again, I think they would offer to take more of his family off the list, but I don't want to manipulate them into shortening their list. I would feel awful.

SB1512

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to It turns out that weddings are about the parents : I'm sorry this is so frustrating for you. When is your wedding?  You bio says it was this past August.  Did the date get pushed back? Can you turn down their money and just have a smaller wedding with people YOU and your FI want?
Posted by Edie Bee

I agree and I think you do have every right to be frustrated.  Yes money does often come with strings, but your parents seem to be doing exactly what their parents did to them, and breaking etiquette along the way.  I would turn down their offer of money and have the wedding that you and FI want and can afford.  You would have complete control over the guest list that way.  I think that's the best way to stand up to them.

SB1512

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

Edie, I'm having my wedding next year - I messed up the date. I still sometimes write that it's 2011... and it's about to become 2013! Ack. I mentioned it, and my parents flipped out and said I was being passive aggressive and a martyr, but that's not what I meant by it. It would honestly break my dad's heart, and if I did suggest it again, I think they would offer to take more of his family off the list, but I don't want to manipulate them into shortening their list. I would feel awful.
Posted by waywardgirl

If it's going to break your dad's heart that much maybe he should re-evaluate how he treating you and you FI because clearly this behavior is taking a toll on you and breaking your heart.

1covejack

It concerns me that your parents want to invite your violent and inappropriate estranged relatives.  I know you love your parents, but that's really saying something about their respect for your wishes.  I think you're in a losing battle.

I'm so sorry.

TXKristan

If I hear one more time that my parents' money gets to decide things I'm going to scream.

Wish I could have a glass of wine with you and vent!!!!  I'm with ya, girl!

1covejack

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

If I hear one more time that my parents' money gets to decide things I'm going to scream. Wish I could have a glass of wine with you and vent!!!!  I'm with ya, girl!
Posted by TXKristan

But it's true.

Liatris2010

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

It concerns me that your parents want to invite your violent and inappropriate estranged relatives.  I know you love your parents, but that's really saying something about their respect for your wishes.  I think you're in a losing battle. I'm so sorry.
Posted by 1covejack

Ditto.

I'd cool off a bit and then get a list together of your friends. Show your parents the list and who you are having to cross off in order to invite distant relatives. Your parents might feel differently if they see you unable to invite people they know you are friends with.

TXKristan

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : But it's true.
Posted by 1covejack

seriously.   not helping.

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : seriously.   not helping.
Posted by TXKristan

I have to agree with covejack on this one.  Are you having issues also?

AddieL73

I was very blessed that my father paid for the wedding but also believed the guest list and everything else was up to my husband and I. My heart goes out to anyone having these problems. 

I think you should seriously consider declining your parents' money and paying for your own wedding. I know it may not end up being the wedding you wanted, but honestly, it isn't the wedding you want under these conditions, either. At least if you paid for it, you would call all the shots and not be so miserable. I hate to see anyone miserable planning their wedding. 

StageManager14

Sounds like your bigger problem is that your FI wants you to stand up to your parents and you aren't.  You're about to be married, and that means your FI has to come before your parents.  If he's asking you to do things you personally disagree with, then you shouldn't be marrying him.  If you think he's right and you're just not doing it out of fear that you'll hurt your parents feelings, maybe he shouldn't be marrying you.

You guys need to sit down and have a serious discussion about the role your parents play in your life and how much control they may or may not have once the wedding is over.  Because this isn't a problem that comes out of the blue when an engagement ring appears, and it won't go away once the wedding band is on.  

Good luck!

StageManager14

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : seriously.   not helping.
Posted by TXKristan

You're making the CHOICE to take your parents' money.  Does it suck if they use it as a weapon?  Yes.  But it's not like it's an unavoidable situation.  So lashing out at strangers on a message board because you can't have everything exactly how you want it AND have your parents foot the bill just makes you look immature and bratty.  It's not Cove's fault. 

TXKristan

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : I have to agree with covejack on this one.  Are you having issues also?
Posted by Edie Bee

yes.  Already got berated on another thread I started about how Mom wants to let my cousin (whom I've met once) bring her daughter & daughter's estranged husband (when my FI has friends that he didn't invite bc he & I agreed the list was "done").  My issues are nowhere near the ones of OP and I HATE that this is becoming about a party my parents are throwing and not about the marriage.  Yes, I said MARRIAGE. 

Some of us feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot.  Rubbing our noses in it does NOT help. 

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : yes.  Already got berated on another thread I started about how Mom wants to let my cousin (whom I've met once) bring her daughter & daughter's estranged husband (when my FI has friends that he didn't invite bc he & I agreed the list was "done").  My issues are nowhere near the ones of OP and I HATE that this is becoming about a party my parents are throwing and not about the marriage.  Yes, I said MARRIAGE.  Some of us feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot.  Rubbing our noses in it does NOT help. 
Posted by TXKristan

How is saying your parents have power if they are paying rubbing it in your faces?

TXKristan

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : How is saying your parents have power if they are paying rubbing it in your faces?
Posted by Edie Bee

Clarification - the other people in this thread are rubbing the issue in my face, not my parents.

jcbsjr

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : You're making the CHOICE to take your parents' money.  Does it suck if they use it as a weapon?  Yes.  But it's not like it's an unavoidable situation.  So lashing out at strangers on a message board because you can't have everything exactly how you want it AND have your parents foot the bill just makes you look immature and bratty.  It's not Cove's fault. 
Posted by StageManager14

::nodding right along:::

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : Clarification - the other people in this thread are rubbing the issue in my face, not my parents.
Posted by TXKristan

That's what I meant also.  Who is rubbing it in your face?

StageManager14

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : Clarification - the other people in this thread are rubbing the issue in my face, not my parents.
Posted by TXKristan

Actually, YOU'RE the one who keeps bringing it up and making it about YOU in a thread about someone else.  Not us.

OP, no one here is saying the situation doesn't suck, but the life lesson here is that money comes with strings.  And as I said in my earlier post, you and your FI need to be on the same page.  

TXKristan

OP, you don't have to worry about people tearing into you; theyr'e doing it to  me. 


Seriously wish we could have a drink together to vent.  Hope you're staying warm up there.

TXKristan

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : Actually, YOU'RE the one who keeps bringing it up and making it about YOU in a thread about someone else.  Not us. OP, no one here is saying the situation doesn't suck, but the life lesson here is that money comes with strings.  And as I said in my earlier post, you and your FI need to be on the same page.  
Posted by StageManager14

It's called showing support and solidarity.  Try it sometime.

gurrlballa10

TX, then you should have beena grown up and paid for your wedding yourself.  Like Stage said, it was an avoidable situation.

melb2013

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : Actually, YOU'RE the one who keeps bringing it up and making it about YOU in a thread about someone else.  Not us. OP, no one here is saying the situation doesn't suck, but the life lesson here is that money comes with strings.  And as I said in my earlier post, you and your FI need to be on the same page.  
Posted by StageManager14

Yup.  Either you and your FI need to decide together that you don't mind going to a wedding that was planned by your parents (you have to realize they may want to control things other than the guest list), or you need to decide to together to refuse the money and plan a wedding that you both want.

My parents are paying for most of our wedding and have been amazing about staying out of the planning.  I made a guest list and ran it by my mom and she was perfectly ok with it and has been ever since.  Originally, FI's parents wanted to pay for half the wedding, but their money came with huge strings, so we said no.  Unfortunately, we've continued to let them have some strings even though they aren't paying, but that's another story!

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : It's called showing support and solidarity.  Try it sometime.
Posted by TXKristan

How is saying "money comes with strings" not showing support?  This is a wedding website, not a sorority.

jcbsjr

Support and solidarity?  Seriously?

No, it's about choices and the consequences of said choices.  

melb2013

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : It's called showing support and solidarity.  Try it sometime.
Posted by TXKristan

PPs are just saying that you made a choice.  You can't always get exactly what you want.  It sounds like you didn't want to refuse your parent's money because you maybe couldn't get exactly what you wanted for the wedding without the money, but you aren't get what you want with your parents paying either.  The world isn't perfect- we rarely get exactly what we want.  I realize I'm making assumptions here, but that's the only explanation I came come up with for why you took your parent's money when you resent said money.

Liatris2010

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

OP, you don't have to worry about people tearing into you; theyr'e doing it to  me.  Seriously wish we could have a drink together to vent.  Hope you're staying warm up there.
Posted by TXKristan

If you want to have a private conversation to commiserate with OP you can private message each other.

AddieL73

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : It's called showing support and solidarity.  Try it sometime.
Posted by TXKristan

There is only so much support anyone can show. People have already conceded that yes, it's a bummer. However, it is a fact that for some of you, money is coming with strings. Nobody is rubbing your nose in it. Nobody is saying, "So sad, too bad" for you. People are just being honest and saying that while it's a bummer, it's the truth, and if you want to avoid it, you need to make other choices. There have been no attacks here. 

Edie Bee

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents:

In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : If you want to have a private conversation to commiserate with OP you can private message each other.
Posted by Liatris2010

CQTM.

sydaries

OP, your situation does suck :/

I agree with Stage that you really need to sit down and have a long talk with FI about your parent's role in your upcoming life. BUT, before you talk with him, you should have a long talk with yourself. Who matters more to you right now? I know your parents do mean a lot to you, but this is your HUSBAND (to be) and if you can't support him and stand by him, what's going to happen in the future. Have a glass of wine with a good friend and talk it out tonight.

Put your foot down with your parents. Bring them a list and show them exactly who is being cut. Money does come with strings, but see if they budge. If they don't, it's time to cut the apron strings and go with what you and FI can afford :/

Sorry that this situation had to happen.

and TX, you can ignore the truth all you want, but sometimes you have to face it. OP knows they come with strings, so everyone is giving her options. Being combative isn't being supportive.