Apologies to friends who aren't invited?

mcjabber

I'm close to 'finalizing' a guest list, and I'm freaking out--I'm part of a very large theater company, and not all of the company will be getting an invite (due to cost, and because frankly, I'm closer to some members than others).  But I know it might get very awkward if people start talking.  Should I make some kind of public disclaimer on our company forum apologizing to people who don't make the cut?  There's another company wedding happening this May and I'm pretty sure I'm not on the invite list, and frankly, I feel super weird everytime another company member brings it up.  I think I'd feel more comfortable if the couple had made an announcement about a smaller guest list or something.  Is this a faux pas?  If I do it, what should it say?

MoonlightSilver

No no no. You do not tell people they aren't invited, that's horribly rude. They'll figure it out on their own. Lots of people get married, and lots of people can't invite everyone they want for whatever reason. 

If someone asks you directly, you can say something like "Unfortunately we couldn't invite everyone we wanted to be there. Have you done anything fun this winter?" and change the subject. 

kmbryant2413

This isn't like posting a cast list. If someone asks, the best thing to do is say something like 'We've chosen a small venue and cannot accomodate everyone that we would love to'. It's always better to blame it on the venue rather than budget, etc.

It is a faux pas, basically. 

kristbot

Definitely do not make an announcement. It is totally a faux pas to draw attention to those who are not being invited. Just don't talk about your wedding at work.

AddieL73

Say nothing up front. If people are rude enough to question or say, "I'm invited, right?" just tell them you are not able to invite everyone you would like. 

mcjabber

The main reason is because of how HORRIBLY awkward and uncomfortable I feel whenever people bring up the other wedding (particularly since I'm an executive of the company and everyone assumes I have been invited).

Simply Fated

Yes, it's a faux pas to break news like that to anyone who doesn't bring it up first. If they ask if they're invited, that's rude on their part. It's okay to let them know that you weren't able to invite everyone you wanted to. But it's not okay to make a preemptive speech on it. It's pre sumptuous.

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:Apologies to friends who aren't invited?:

The main reason is because of how HORRIBLY awkward and uncomfortable I feel whenever people bring up the other wedding particularly since I'm an executive of the company and everyone assumes I have been invited. Posted by mcjabber

Just to get on the same page as you... you feel awkward when other people assume you are invited to a wedding, so telling everyone that you're only inviting some people to your wedding will make it less awkward for you. Did I get that right?

cbrown828

Oh no. Please don't do this. To me, it seems incredibly self-centered, as if the bride imagines everyone is just dying to find out whether they are invited or not. No one is as interested in your wedding as you are. I like the previous analogy of posting a cast list.

StageManager14

Dear sweet lord, no no no.  Do NOT do this.  It won't make them feel better, it will only make YOU feel better.  And cause some serious tension and hurt feelings in an environment where arsenic would be less toxic than malcontent.

kristbot

In Response to Re: Apologies to friends who aren't invited?:

The main reason is because of how HORRIBLY awkward and uncomfortable I feel whenever people bring up the other wedding (particularly since I'm an executive of the company and everyone assumes I have been invited).
Posted by mcjabber

You can choose not to feel awkward. You know you're not invited, when people start talking about it you have a few options: 1) Walk away; 2) Change the subject; 3) Listen politely and then change the subject. 

TXKristan

Don't say anything.  

mcjabber

I suppose this is what I expected people to say.  However, it's my attempt to NOT be selfish, to save people from the embarrassment that I have when I'm asked for details about the other wedding and I have to tell them that I'm not  involved with that one (and then they are embarrassed for asking, despite how diplomatic I am in my response).  I know that I'd feel more comfortable if the elephant in the room had been already addressed.  

I guess there's no way around some awkwardness no matter what.  The consensus seems to be that the uninvited will just have to deal with it.

aurianna

People should have more common sense than to discuss an event in which not everyone is invited. That's a bad on your co-workers' part though.

To avoid that situation with your own wedding, if people bring up your wedding at work (whether they are invited or not) try to steer them away from it. In private you could also mention to the invited guest{s) that you'd prefer not to speak about the wedding at work. Now... if your guests still go and talk about your wedding when you're not around, there's nothing you can really do about that. But that's kinda bad on them if they're insensitive enough to rub in their plans in front of people who aren't invited.

StageManager14

In Response to Re: Apologies to friends who aren't invited?:

I suppose this is what I expected people to say.  However, it's my attempt to NOT be selfish, to save people from the embarrassment that I have when I'm asked for details about the other wedding and I have to tell them that I'm not  involved with that one (and then they are embarrassed for asking, despite how diplomatic I am in my response).  I know that I'd feel more comfortable if the elephant in the room had been already addressed.   I guess there's no way around some awkwardness no matter what.  The consensus seems to be that the uninvited will just have to deal with it.
Posted by mcjabber

I get what you are wanting to do, but the fact still remains that it WON'T accomplish this and will likely have the opposite effect.  A public snub (especially directly from an executive) is far worse than having someone ask you about the invite when you didn't get one.

Also, you could always just say you aren't attending the wedding, you know.  You don't HAVE to say you aren't invited and doing so all the time probably honestly makes you look a bit upset about it.  Just say you aren't attending the wedding and immediately change the subject.

MoonlightSilver

OP, you said originally that's youre "pretty sure" you're not on the invite list. What if that couple is planning to invite you? Have invites gone out yet for you to know for sure?

I'm not sure why people are asking you questions about someone else's wedding in the first place. If they ask again, why don't you just direct them to the bride or groom? "Oh, sorry, I'm not sure. You should ask [the bride]." 

Simply Fated

Do you think your announcement will stop people from talking about your wedding in front if those who aren't invited? It won't. In fact, people are now ALSO going to discuss who you meant when you said not everyone will be invited.

Jen4948

Don't make an announcement.  The uninvited members of your theater company are going to hear about the wedding anyway.  An announcement would just rub in their not being invited.

woodschr

If I heard an announcement like that at my work, my first question would be, "Oooh, who didn't get invited?"  I probably wouldn't care until an announcement like that was made.

cmgilpin

Honestly, conversations like this don't have to be awkward or uncomfortable.  Just put on your grown up panties and be honest.  Communication is an acquired skill for a lot of people. 

You don't have the space or budget for everyone.  Neither does anyone else.  If someone assumes YOU are invited to another person's wedding, that doesn't have to be uncomfortable or embarrassing either. You are making a big deal out of nothing.  You respond with "Oh, I'm not sure.  You may want to ask her directly". 

For your own wedding, when people bring it up, you say "our venue is quite small and we aren't able to invite everyone we would have hoped to.  I hope you understand".  End of discussion.  

If YOU don't make a big deal and act all butt-hurt when either of these scenarios occur, everyone else will think it's no big deal either. Cuz, guess what?  It's really not a big deal.

Xstatic3333

Out of curiosity, would it be okay for the OP to mention to those she IS inviting that she wasn't able to include everyone so she'd like to minimize work chatter? I was planning to handle it that way with the people from one of my jobs.

emeejeeayen

Everyone has covered it, just wanted to chime in and say I feel you on the awkwardness. I grew up at a school that REQUIRED all kids be invited to each birthday so no one was left out, so I feel very bad when I cannot accomodate those rules as an adult. Too bad none of us are kids anymore! ;)

MoonlightSilver

In Response to Re:Apologies to friends who aren't invited?:

Out of curiosity, would it be okay for the OP to mention to those she IS inviting that she wasn't able to include everyone so she'd like to minimize work chatter? I was planning to handle it that way with the people from one of my jobs.
Posted by Xstatic3333

If people at work are already chatting about the wedding, you are okay to take them aside and ask them not to bring up the topic. I'm not sure I'd do that if no one is talking about it yet- your mention might *cause* them to talk about it, KWIM?

Xstatic3333

Gotcha, good point.

allychase

This reminds me of that woman who wanted to hang a sign up sheet in her break room at work for the wedding. I wonder how that turned out. 

Btw OP don't do that. 

Blue_Bird

In Response to Apologies to friends who aren't invited?:

I'm close to 'finalizing' a guest list, and I'm freaking out--I'm part of a very large theater company, and not all of the company will be getting an invite (due to cost, and because frankly, I'm closer to some members than others).  But I know it might get very awkward if people start talking.  Should I make some kind of public disclaimer on our company forum apologizing to people who don't make the cut?  There's another company wedding happening this May and I'm pretty sure I'm not on the invite list, and frankly, I feel super weird everytime another company member brings it up.  I think I'd feel more comfortable if the couple had made an announcement about a smaller guest list or something.  Is this a faux pas?  If I do it, what should it say?
Posted by mcjabber

Please don't do this.

A friend/coworker of mine got married almost two years ago. I, along with a small group of other coworkers were invited. One of us threw her a "work bachelorette party" at a local restaurant. People would bring up the wedding, she'd answer the quesion, and then apologize to those who weren't invited each time. I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed for her each time. It was just awkward. She was making a bigger deal out of it than it was.

trinitygc

In Response to Re: Apologies to friends who aren't invited?:

I suppose this is what I expected people to say.  However, it's my attempt to NOT be selfish, to save people from the embarrassment that I have when I'm asked for details about the other wedding and I have to tell them that I'm not  involved with that one (and then they are embarrassed for asking, despite how diplomatic I am in my response).  I know that I'd feel more comfortable if the elephant in the room had been already addressed.   I guess there's no way around some awkwardness no matter what.  The consensus seems to be that the uninvited will just have to deal with it.
Posted by mcjabber

Believe it or not, they probably don't care.  YOU think its an elephant in the room, because you are projecting your feelings onto other people based on what YOU felt in another situation.  Chances are, they probably don't care.  Having planned a wedding myself and knowing how hard it is to work with the guest list, I honestly will not be offended if I am never invited to another wedding, because I UNDERSTAND.  Other people might too. Give them some credit.

wittykitty14

I understand what you're trying to accomplish, and it's considerate of you to try and take other people's feelings into account.  But I agree with everyone else-don't make a public announcement.  It would make people more uncomfortable, and the talk of your wedding (and you) would likely increase, and probably not in a good way. 

Like others have suggested, I recommend being frank with people if they approach you about it.  If they're not invited, just tell them the venue is too small to accommodate everyone.  If people start talking about your wedding, ask them not to bring it up while you're at work. 

Hopefully this works out well for you.  We all know that figuring out the guest list is one of the hardest parts of the planning process.  Stand your ground, it will all be fine!  :)