Help I'm Caught Between My Sister and My Fiance

jwilsonsf

I'm a guy who can't get any good unbiased advice so I saw this message board and had to sign up.

My fiance ("FC"), a beautiful sensitive girl, desperately wants to be friends with my twin sister.  My twin sister ("TS") is a little selfish and it feels like she doesn't want to be friends at all.  TS has declined all invitations to come to our house for dinner, lunch, brunch or any special event.  TS also has a 9 month old baby, and uses it as an excuse for everything.

TS was asked to be in the wedding as part of the bridal party.  FC is hurt that TS isn't being more enthusiastic.  TS hasn't helped, or offered to help, with anything related to the wedding, bridal shower or bachelorette party.  

TS has now "regretfully" declined to come to even one day of the bachelorette weekend, saying its too far to drive for a day.  FC is hurt and wants me to say something.

To make matters worse, our wedding was supposed to be adults only.  We figured that since the baby was going to be 1 year at the time of the wedding, it wouldn't be a problem.  We were wrong.  TS was hurt that the baby couldn't come, talked to my mother, who then talked to me, asking me to allow the baby because she is family.  I said I would talk to FC but before I had the chance, TS simply announced that the baby was coming to the wedding.  FC bit her tongue, and has been fuming ever since.

I've told FC to lower her expectations about TS, and that having the baby at the wedding would be fine.  FC wants me to call TS and tell her how hurt we both are.  I'm not that hurt, and I think if FC is really upset she should talk to TS herself.

Any and all thoughts about this  would be appreciated.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-im-caught-between-my-sister-and-my-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84f9ec0b-c79d-4025-a8e0-eaeb89c7bf5aPost:5b25ef49-b2e3-4c93-ac8a-921c6f7d19e5">Help I'm Caught Between My Sister and My Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a guy who can't get any good unbiased advice so I saw this message board and had to sign up. My fiance ("FC"), a beautiful sensitive girl, desperately wants to be friends with my twin sister.  My twin sister ("TS") is a little selfish and it feels like she doesn't want to be friends at all.  TS has declined all invitations to come to our house for dinner, lunch, brunch or any special event.  TS also has a 9 month old baby, and uses it as an excuse for everything. TS was asked to be in the wedding as part of the bridal party.  FC is hurt that TS isn't being more enthusiastic.  TS hasn't helped, or offered to help, with anything related to the wedding, bridal shower or bachelorette party.   TS has now "regretfully" declined to come to even one day of the bachelorette weekend, saying its too far to drive for a day.  FC is hurt and wants me to say something. To make matters worse, our wedding was supposed to be adults only.  We figured that since the baby was going to be 1 year at the time of the wedding, it wouldn't be a problem.  We were wrong.  TS was hurt that the baby couldn't come, talked to my mother, who then talked to me, asking me to allow the baby because she is family.  I said I would talk to FC but before I had the chance, TS simply announced that the baby was coming to the wedding.  FC bit her tongue, and has been fuming ever since. <strong>I've told FC to lower her expectations about TS, and that having the baby at the wedding would be fine.  FC wants me to call TS and tell her how hurt we both are.  I'm not that hurt, and I think if FC is really upset she should talk to TS herself</strong>. Any and all thoughts about this  would be appreciated.
Posted by jwilsonsf[/QUOTE]
Agreed. <div>Generally children of the immediate family and WP are exceptions to the "no kids" rule.</div><div>Your whole family will be at the wedding. Is there anyone else that could even watch the baby?</div>

redheadfsu

1. If they are not friends your sister shouldn't have been asked to be in the wedding party (on her side anyway). That was your first HUGE mistake.

2. Since they are not friends, it makes total sense your sister isn't involved. And she doesn't have to be.

3.  If you two don't want the kid there. You need to tell your sister that.

I get it, you are both hurt. I would be too. You want your sister involved. But a wedding is stressful. It was silly to assume wedding stress would help a troubled relationship.

Habs2Hart

I think you are going about the right way here.  You are correct to tell your fiancee that she needs to lower her expectations of your sister.  I understand she was hoping, but it's not happening and she shouldn't be suprised. 

Lots of times it is okay to make exceptions for family children, but your sister went about it the wrong way, so maybe talk to her about it.  "Look sis, I know you want your son at the wedding, and we are discussing it, but it's our decision, not yours and you announcing that he's coming without our input was really hurtful and disrespectful of us."  She needs to know she can't walk all over your fiancee and yourself.

Further thoughts, I think it's really kinda brutal that your sister won't even try to be friends with your fiancee, or at least spend some time with the two of you.  Your fiancee keeps extending the olive branch and your sister keeps letting it smack her back in the face.  I think I'd be having a talk with your sister about trying to be a bit kinder to her.  At the same time, you can't force them to be friends, but she should at least make some kind of effort if she wants to have a good relationship with you in the future, because it will get old being stuck in the middle. 

ceh789

<div>Do you and your sister have a good relationship?  Or for that matter, <em>any</em> relationship?  It's kinda foreign to me that a sibling would decline invitations on an ongoing basis, new baby or not.  <div>
</div><div>FI needs to get over TS not offering to help with stuff - it's not TS's wedding.  Are YOU offering to help with stuff?</div></div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-im-caught-between-my-sister-and-my-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84f9ec0b-c79d-4025-a8e0-eaeb89c7bf5aPost:5b25ef49-b2e3-4c93-ac8a-921c6f7d19e5">Help I'm Caught Between My Sister and My Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]FC wants me to call TS and tell her how hurt we both are.  I'm not that hurt, and I think if FC is really upset she should talk to TS herself.
Posted by jwilsonsf[/QUOTE]<div>I think you should tell her that, but before FI talks to TS - perhaps you need to understand why she's so hurt.  She seems to be not entirely reasonable about TS.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: On all these invitations you've been extending, is new baby invited as well?  I could see declining and becoming pretty hostile toward a FSIL if she excluded my infant child from things on an ongoing basis.</div><div>
</div>

MiksChick23

My FSIL went off on me a few years ago about something that was totally inappropriate (FI got into some trouble and she blamed me). She went off on this rant about how horrible I was and yadda yadda. My FI did not talk to her fro 6 month. He told her that she owed me an apology and basically distanced himself. That was 4-5 years ago, and FSIL and I have totally worked it out and put it in the past since. Both she and my other FSIL are bridesmaids in my wedding. They are invited to showers thrown by my aunts and other bridesmaids but aren't throwing me anything. One came up to dress shop with me, but other than that they aren't much involved at all. I don't let it bother me. My mom and friends are helping me and being excited and supportive, so I'm covered.

Your sister doesn't sound like she did anything that horrible, she's just into the perfect relationship your FI was hoping for. It sucks for your FI, but all she has to do as a WP member is buy a dress, and show up (hopefully sober). Would it be nice if she helped with pre-wedding parties, went shopping with your FI and got all excited for her? Yes. Is it required, no. Unfortunately for your FI, she's going to have to learn to accept your sister as is.

Should you talk to her? Meh...I don't really know. How is YOUR relationship with her? If my FI wanted a relationship with my brother and tried and tried but my brother kept being an a$$, I'd probably call him up and have a talk, find out why he dislikes my FI and what is preventing him from trying to form a relationship. But that's me. I know guys don't like getting in the middle of drama. My only concern is whether your sister doesn't like your FI for a specific reason that might be a serious issue...doesn't seem that way from your post though. You could always say, "hey sis, what's going on with you and my FI? She's pretty hurt you don't want to come to her parties, is something going on? She's been bumming about it, she really wants to get to know you better." No need to tell her that you're both hurt, etc etc.

A LOT of people use their kids as an excuse for everything. IMO, a kid is not an excuse for poor etiquette or rudeness, but when it comes to parties and girly get togethers, some women just prefer to be home with their kids. Again, it sucks that she doesn't try and make an effort, but she's not doing anything WRONG persay.

As for bringing the kid to the wedding, your FI is absolutely entitled to be pissed. I would be too in her situation! An adult event is an adult event...and if people don't want to leave their kids, they can decline. I think by letting your sister and mom talk you into giving your sister her way, your FI feels like you aren't standing with her on your decision to have an adults only wedding. Talk with your FI about this, is it really worth pissing off your sister to not let her bring her baby? Or will this cause other people to wonder why they couldn't bring their kids causing your wedding to turn into something different than you invisioned? Whatever you and your FI decide, you need to stick with it and not let your family sway you the other way. Your FI needs to be your #1, side with her.

Hope this gets worked out! Props for coming on TK!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-im-caught-between-my-sister-and-my-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84f9ec0b-c79d-4025-a8e0-eaeb89c7bf5aPost:5b25ef49-b2e3-4c93-ac8a-921c6f7d19e5">Help I'm Caught Between My Sister and My Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a guy who can't get any good unbiased advice so I saw this message board and had to sign up.<strong> My fiance ("FC"), a beautiful sensitive girl, desperately wants to be friends with my twin sister.  My twin sister ("TS") is a little selfish and it feels like she doesn't want to be friends at all. </strong> TS has declined all invitations to come to our house for dinner, lunch, brunch or any special event. <strong> TS also has a 9 month old baby, and uses it as an excuse for everything. TS was asked to be in the wedding as part of the bridal party.  FC is hurt that TS isn't being more enthusiastic.  TS hasn't helped, or offered to help, with anything related to the wedding, bridal shower or bachelorette party.   TS has now "regretfully" declined to come to even one day of the bachelorette weekend, saying its too far to drive for a day. </strong> FC is hurt and wants me to say something. To make matters worse, our wedding was supposed to be adults only.  We figured that since the baby was going to be 1 year at the time of the wedding, it wouldn't be a problem.  <strong>We were wrong.  TS was hurt that the baby couldn't come, talked to my mother, who then talked to me, asking me to allow the baby because she is family.  </strong>I said I would talk to FC but before I had the chance, TS simply announced that the baby was coming to the wedding.  FC bit her tongue, and has been fuming ever since. I've told FC to lower her expectations about TS, and that having the baby at the wedding would be fine.  FC wants me to call TS and tell her how hurt we both are.  I'm not that hurt, and I think if FC is really upset she should talk to TS herself. Any and all thoughts about this  would be appreciated.
Posted by jwilsonsf[/QUOTE]

I think it's nice that your fiancee wants to be close with your sister.  But a fact of life is that sometimes, people just don't get along.  And people don't like each other.  Perhaps your sister just doesn't really mesh well with your fiancee, and doesn't see a point in fostering a bff sisterly relationship.  Might seem cold, but hey, it's life, it's family.  Just because she's your sister doesn't mean your wife has to be best friends with her.  Your fiancee should just get over it.

I have to ask - have you ever had a baby?  Full disclosure:  I have not, but I know that they are a lot of effin' work.  I completely buy that she doesn't want to partake in bachelorette festivities for a woman she doesn't care too much for when she has a baby to take care of.  That's legit.  It's legit that your fiancee is hurt by it, but honestly, what does she expect?  She asks someone who doesn't like her to be in her bridal party and then gets butthurt when that person doesn't want to party with her or help out with wedding plans (FYI - bridal parties are not obligated to help in any part of wedding planning.  If they do, that's a great bonus.  But it's certainly not required).  Sheesh.

And, FWIW, I'd be really hurt if I was in your sister's position - if my sister was getting married but didn't want my baby (her niece or nephew, ffs) to come, it would definitely hurt my feelings.  I mean, I can understand if there were no kids invited.  But immediate family - I dunno.  Just feels like a slap in the face.  Especially since your sister already doesn't care for your fiancee - put yourself in her shoes!  She's in a wedding party for a chick she doesn't like, and the chick doesn't want her baby to come to the wedding.  Good lord.

I'm with you though.  Your fiancee and your sister need to hash it out between the two of them.  Your sister doesn't like your fiancee but your fiancee is all up in your sister's ass about being buddy-buddy without the baby.  You being in the middle will not fix anything.  Maybe you could facilitate a discussion between the two of them but in the end, these problems are theirs.

This whole post gives me a headache. 

Kimmyznc

Yikes. What kind of relationship do you have with your sister? I would think that if it is a good one then your sister should at least somewhat be friendly to your FI... not bc she needs to like her (maybe she just doesn't) but because it is putting you in such an uncomfortable position. I think best bet is to talk to your sister and see what the true problem is. Also, I have no idea why your FI put her in the wedding or why your sister accepted (esp. if she wants nothing to do with it). I would tell your FI to stop trying to be so nice if she obviously keeps getting shut down. And as for the kid being at the wedding, I'm a little confused... I do think friends bringing children is one thing but I have four nephews & one niece (& want an "all adult" wedding) but I feel that they are the acception because they're close family. Why isn't she a little FG or something?

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-im-caught-between-my-sister-and-my-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:84f9ec0b-c79d-4025-a8e0-eaeb89c7bf5aPost:4def4bcc-873f-45bd-8b50-551094e76115">Re: Help I'm Caught Between My Sister and My Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help I'm Caught Between My Sister and My Fiance : I think it's nice that your fiancee wants to be close with your sister.  But a fact of life is that sometimes, people just don't get along.  And people don't like each other.  Perhaps your sister just doesn't really mesh well with your fiancee, and doesn't see a point in fostering a bff sisterly relationship.  Might seem cold, but hey, it's life, it's family.  Just because she's your sister doesn't mean your wife has to be best friends with her.  Your fiancee should just get over it. I have to ask - have you ever had a baby?  Full disclosure:  I have not, but I know that they are a lot of effin' work.  I completely buy that she doesn't want to partake in bachelorette festivities for a woman she doesn't care too much for when she has a baby to take care of.  That's legit.  It's legit that your fiancee is hurt by it, but honestly, what does she expect?  She asks someone who doesn't like her to be in her bridal party and then gets butthurt when that person doesn't want to party with her or help out with wedding plans (FYI - bridal parties are not obligated to help in any part of wedding planning.  If they do, that's a great bonus.  But it's certainly not required).  Sheesh. <strong>And, FWIW, I'd be really hurt if I was in your sister's position - if my sister was getting married but didn't want my baby (her niece or nephew, ffs) to come, it would definitely hurt my feelings.  I mean, I can understand if there were no kids invited.  But immediate family - I dunno.  Just feels like a slap in the face.  Especially since your sister already doesn't care for your fiancee - put yourself in her shoes!  She's in a wedding party for a chick she doesn't like, and the chick doesn't want her baby to come to the wedding.  Good lord.</strong> I'm with you though.  Your fiancee and your sister need to hash it out between the two of them.  Your sister doesn't like your fiancee but your fiancee is all up in your sister's ass about being buddy-buddy without the baby.  You being in the middle will not fix anything.  Maybe you could facilitate a discussion between the two of them but in the end, these problems are theirs. This whole post gives me a headache. 
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

I have to disagree with this, only because weddings are not family reunions.  People who have kids and expect people to make exceptions for them are irritating, IMO.  It's an adults only wedding.  Sorry.  Just because the groom doesn't want his 1 year old nephew at a dress-up event doesn't mean that he hates the kid.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I don't think the groom doesn't love the kid, Nuggs.  But I was just saying yeah, it would definitely hurt my feelings.

ETA - To me, it's different from not inviting a baby cousin or other kid in the extended family.  I don't know why.  I'm really really close with my sisters, which is probably why it would really hurt me if they didn't want me to bring my baby.

[Deleted User]

Being hurt because one's baby isn't invited somewhere is so douchey.

MiksChick23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-im-caught-between-my-sister-and-my-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84f9ec0b-c79d-4025-a8e0-eaeb89c7bf5aPost:6e0789e2-5ff0-4529-b044-1507a7505bce">Re: Help I'm Caught Between My Sister and My Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Being hurt because one's baby isn't invited somewhere is so douchey.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

I don't know that I'd call it douchey...but I sort of agree. I mean, its a BABY. They won't miss out on anything by not being there and its not like they don't like the baby, but really, its not an insult to not want someone's tiny kid there.

Two of my bridesmaids have babies and they don't want to bring them. It will be more fun for them! I think the couple has every right to not want kids there and not feel that they have to make an exception for his sister....especially if they are guilting them into it against the bride's wishes. I'd be pissed if I was in her shoes.

mtbentley

If my brother was getting married and didn't want kids there I'd get a babysitter and enjoy having a night off for a change. Maybe your sister really was hurt but its not something I can not personally relate to because the same situation I would not be hurt or offended. 

I am in a similar situation though, with the inlaws telling us a toddler would be coming to our adult wedding without asking us first if it was okay, and I was realllllyyyyy not happy about it. We are going to have him, along with our daughter, with babysitters in another area during the reception, they will not be eating with the adults or around the drinking, they will just come mingle for a short time so everyone can see them and take pictures before they head off to bed. Maybe your sister and FI will be able to come to some kind of compromise, does your venue have another area where the baby could stay with a babysitter, that way your sister could enjoy the wedding but still have the baby close by where she could check on him or her whenever she wanted.

lalaweddingdiva

The women in my family always ask family to be in wedding, before friends. I know y'all have rules about friends only, but if you are from a family like that your aunts/uncles and parents may be offended that you didn't include family. That being said, I think it's nice think it is nice that your FI included your sister as well as her friends. I think your friends who are excited about your day and being a part of it will do things like "help" with shower, bachelorette, etc., but I've come to learn BM is required to do two things which is buy/wear dress and show up. There are two reasons our FI cannot expect your sis to help: they aren't friends and she's not required to. Also, it's weird for Her to go to bachelorette weekend because they're not friends and because she has a small baby she doesn't want to leave. I think you shouldn't let your FI talk to sister when she is upset. I think you should talk to your sister and have a heart to heart about why she's so rude to FI when FI tries to be friendly/nice. If I were you I would be upset my twin sister declines invites to hang with me and my future wife on a regular basis. Is your sister a single mom? Maybe she's resentful FI has your attention and jealous of your relationship? Regarding the baby, the baby should go. I think it's rude to keep baby out of wedding and maybe make arrangements for someone to come watch baby. You may be able to get babysitter a vendor plate which is much less expensive since she won't be drinking at bar. I personally think its rude to have adult only reception and not let friends choose if they can bring their baby. Most friends with irritable children will look forward to a night and get a sitter on their own accord. That being said, if the friend is someone who would be inclined to not properly supervise the baby, then I might bring up in convo " are u getting sitter for wedding" and see what they say. Jmo on the kid issue...I know there are people on here who think its acceptable to have no kid no baby weddings and to each their own.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-im-caught-between-my-sister-and-my-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84f9ec0b-c79d-4025-a8e0-eaeb89c7bf5aPost:b5d25dd7-7aea-4947-ad2b-ea7da0735288">Re: Help I'm Caught Between My Sister and My Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong> Regarding the baby, the baby should go. I think it's rude to keep baby out of wedding and maybe make arrangements for someone to come watch baby.</strong> You may be able to get babysitter a vendor plate which is much less expensive since she won't be drinking at bar. <strong>I personally think its rude to have adult only reception and not let friends choose if they can bring their baby.</strong> Most friends with irritable children will look forward to a night and get a sitter on their own accord. That being said, if the friend is someone who would be inclined to not properly supervise the baby, then I might bring up in convo " are u getting sitter for wedding" and see what they say.<strong> Jmo on the kid issue...I know there are people on here who think its acceptable to have no kid no baby weddings and to each their own.</strong>
Posted by lalaweddingdiva[/QUOTE]
No, not "to each their own". You are 100% incorrect.