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ah57358

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squirrly

I hope you're being dramatic with the last two statements.  Although wedding planning can be stressful, if whether or not to have alcohol at your wedding is a big enough dispute to result in the end of your relationship with your FI or your families, you have bigger issues to deal with than the wedding.

Now, to the alcohol: 
1) Who is paying for the wedding?  Who would be paying for the bar?
2) Why is your father worried about your FMIL's drinking?

Ultimately, I think you should have some sort of alcohol available.  It's fine to limit that to beer and wine, but you should serve something.  Remind your father that you're not planning to drink IN the church, but at a party to celebrate your wedding.   If you and your FI are paying the bar bill, it really shouldn't be an item of discussion, anyway.

As for your FMIL - your father isn't even related to her.  He, in no way, should be attempting to manage her behavior.  Not his business.  He needs to back off.

brookelynpaisley

People have religious ceremonies followed by drinking all the time. If you and your fiance are concerned about his mother's behavior while drinking, then your fiance needs to sit down and have a talk with her about what is acceptable behavior. Surely she doesn't want to embarrass you and may not realize how obnoxious she is.

A lot of us have people in our families who are problem drinkers, but unfortunately you have to trust that they can handle themselves or be prepared to remove them from the event without creating a scene.  Also know that your FMIL is only embarrassing herself and her behavior doesn't reflect on you, your fiance, or your father.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:93760baa-6637-4605-b0b1-f11878930a37Post:3729d147-6b79-40ce-8b6d-cd8a28d49817">Alcohol...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Please help!  My fiance and I are at a loss of what to do.  Initially we planned on having alcohol at our reception.  Neither one of us are heavy drinkers, but have a few here and there.  Most of our friends drink as well.  We both wanted to have alcohol.  We did not imagine that alcohol would be a big deal until we mentioned it to my father.  When we mentioned it, he went ballistic talking about how we were going from having a religious ceremony to drinking.  We have tried to think of many ideas.  On the other hand, my fiance's family really wants it.  Last week, I was told that the main reason my dad doesn't want alcohol, boils down to him being afraid of how my fiance's mom would act when she was drunk.  When my fiance approached her about having no alcohol, she said that she would find a way to drink at the wedding.  We really do not know what to do, but this has resulted in too many arguments between my fiance and I.  The many reason I want to have alcohol is because I want people to stay until the end.  Please help us before our relationship, along with our families relationships fall apart!!
Posted by ah57358[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>If your relationship is really at risk of falling apart over this, I'm not sure how you're going to cope with the normal stressors of life... </p><p> </p><p>In any case: is your mum in the picture? Could you possibly talk to her (or your father's partner, if he has one) and try to get her to help you reason with your father about it? I'm gathering there is some backstory with your FMIL that has caused your father to be apprehensive, but I'm wondering what his issue with alcohol is- is it about your FMIL, or more about the religious aspects? Knowing why he's got this preference would help you in coming up with an outcome that pleases everyone. </p><p> </p><p>At the end of the day, if you're paying, you're entitled to supply alcohol if that is what you and your FI would like to do, and you shouldn't feel forced not to on the basis of one person's opinion.</p>

luckyme502

Who is paying? 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

It isn't your job to babysit adults. They can take care of themselves.

If you and your fiance are okay with alcohol, it boils down to he following: do most of your guests enjoy a drink with dinner? With a dinner out? With  special occasion? If so, serve alcohol.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93760baa-6637-4605-b0b1-f11878930a37Post:3729d147-6b79-40ce-8b6d-cd8a28d49817">Alcohol...?</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>The many reason I want to have alcohol is because I want people to stay until the end.</strong>

<strong> Please help us before our relationship, along with our families relationships fall apart!!
</strong>Posted by ah57358[/QUOTE]

1. The length of time that people will stay is due to many factors, including the average age of your guests, the weather and what their drive home will be like, the entertainment and if they know others there. Alcohol isn't the only thing that will keep them there.

We had lots of older guests and it was the foggiest I've seen in here in a long time the night of our wedding. Many of our guests left early due to the fog, since the reception was held on an island and they all lived in the mainland.

2. If your relationship is truly about to fall apart over alcohol, you and your FI need to revisit why you're getting married in the first place. A decision regarding the wedding shouldn't bring problems between you, especially large enough to break you up.

kbmeow

Fist is who is paying.  Second, At church they drink Wine.  Most religious stories in history have wine to drink at the banquet so Alcohol is something that goes with religion

lyndausvi

Why, why, why do people always associate drinking at wedding with getting rip roaring drunk???

Most adults are able to attend events or dinners having a couple of drinks without gettting out of control.  Sure there is always 1 or 2 out of a 100 that take it to an extreme.  Is it really fair to tell the other 98% of the people they can not drink because of the potential actions of others.

There was no question we were having alcohol.   It was just part of the planning like the food, dress and cake.  Our family and friends tend to have a drink when they are out to dinner.  It never occured to me not to offer them one at my wedding.

I think your dad is being ridiculous. Really?  Trying to monitor you FMIL's drinking?  Who does he think he is?

 Even if he is paying for some parts of the wedding, I think I would have to pick up the tab on the alcohol.

FutureMrsTR

Remind your dad that even Jesus liked his wine

mushE

FI and I went to his friend's wedding where both sets of parents are Indian and very religious.  Neither set of parents wanted alcohol, but FI's friend convinced them to allow a bar to open after dinner, etc., when people started dancing.  It was a cash bar, but nobody seemed to mind.  (And no, I'm not suggesting we start a cash bar debate.)  FI's friend had warned his friends of the need to be discreet with the drinking so as not to offend either set of parents. 

I just wanted to put one perspective out there that something similar might work for your father.  I don't think it's as simple as asking who is paying. 

As a side note, whenever his father thought things were getting a little "too crazy" (e.g., some of the friends decided to buy shots for the groom), he'd have the bar close down for 15 minutes or so. 

duckie1905

If your relationship is seriously falling apart over booze, you have larger problems than this.

Blueyed228

Your dad is not repsonsible for MIL's behavior.  If she starts acting a fool then thats a reflection of her, not him. 

Maybe you could do limited alcohol, like just wine. 

It does sound a little sketch that she said she will find a way to drink at the wedding.  Maybe FI can talk to her about that.  If she is an alchy then he should tell her how important your wedding day is to you and hopes that she would be respectful and not be a mess.

If I were you, I would let him handle his mom.  Stay out of it, and tell your dad too as well.