Etiquette

rehearsal dinner

I was curious what you have experienced in terms of the rehearsal dinner. If it is being given for you, have you been asked who you wanted invited? Have you been asked for suggestions for the dinner?

Re: rehearsal dinner

  • As far as who's invited, generally it is OOT guests and those in the wedding party.  It is traditionally hosted by the groom's parents.  Also, regardless of who is hosting, I'm sure the bride and groom would get some sort of input.
  • edited November 2009
    FMIL offered to host it about a month ago (our wedding is in 10.5 months). FI and I thought about giving her a few options in terms of different restaurants we like, maybe at different price points. She said to just go ahead and decide where we want it. Because we're having a small wedding anyway, I wasn't planning on inviting OOT guests, but FMIL mentioned that it's usually expected, so since she wants to and since she's paying, I'll invite them too.

    FYI, she (and the rest of our family members) lives out of state, so it's much easier if we plan it, rather than asking her to look at venues or help plan.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    We threw our own, so we got to pick the guest list, the restaurant, the menu, everything.  We also had to do all the work.

    If someone is hosting it for you, they must include everyone involved in the ceremony rehearsal and their dates.  Other than that, the host gets to make the call about how far they want to extend the guest list.  Often, the host will ask the couple for opinions on the menu, etc, but they don't have to.
  • ac_in_dcac_in_dc
    2500 Comments
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    edited November 2009
    It can be a little bit touchy if someone else is throwing it, because folks really vary on how much input they will seek from the bride and groom.

    Just make sure the wedding party and your immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents) are invited. If you want to include more folks than your host does, hopefully you can negotiate (through your FI if his parents are hosting).

    Don't worry too much about the food or location if someone else is hosting, unless something really egregiously terrible is being planned.

    To have full control, you need to pay for it yourself, but I don't recommend that. If someone's offering to host, try to work with them to come up with an event you're both happy with.

    ----

    My experience: FIL hosted, which stressed me out because he wanted to invite everyone from OOT and not serve them dinner, just appetizers. I got really nervous and got into a fight with DH about it (we had a lot of kids and old folks, I was worried about mobility, etc, plus the rehearsal was at 5 and I wanted to feed people!!). DH negotiated with FIL and they wound up having a dinner. It was tough for me to relinquish control, though, b/c they definitely planned it on their own timetable which included way more procrastination than I was comfortable with.

  • Thanks for the advice. Right now we have been told a number and it doesn't include oot guests or the wedding party dates. I can live without the OOT guests but I was really hoping that the wedding parties guests could be included.
  • FILs are paying.  They don't want my input, though they did ask FI what he wanted to eat.  I didn't get any input in that either.  But that's because they don't like me.  If your FILs like you, I would hope they would allow you a little input. 

    Also your Wedding parties guests should definitely be included.  I would hold your ground on that one.
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  • In Response to Re: rehearsal dinner:
    Thanks for the advice. Right now we have been told a number and it doesn't include oot guests or the wedding party dates. I can live without the OOT guests but I was really hoping that the wedding parties guests could be included.
    Posted by mccoshr
    Your wedding parties dates/SOs need to be included.  If the hostes aren't doing this, you need to decline their offer and pay for it yourself.
  • It's really rude not to include WP dates. OOT guest you can leave out if it's a concern. But you need to be clear that the RD involves everyone in the rehearsal, plus their dates. Maybe you'll need to offer to pay for some of it if that's the problem.
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  • FILs have offered to host, and have pretty much given us a blank slate to work with.  But. . . our wedding is 1000 miles away from them & they wouldn't know what to suggest here, either.  I know they made suggestions for FBIL's rehearsal, but were very flexible.  They're super cool & easy to work with - thank goodness.
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  • My brother got married in june. It was a few hours away. My other sister and I did not get invited until the last minute. My dad called and said that there was plenty of food so we should come. I was like WTF! The amount of people there that were actually invited astounded me. But yet I wasn't invited until the last minute.
  • This was an easy decision for us. Since out wedding was on an island of the coast of Mass, we pretty much knew he wanted to invited every one who wanted to attend.  In fact, it felt wrong not to invite people who were making commitements to hotels with two night minimums and a fairly long travel time the next day.

    I love weddings where we are invited to the RD. It is always so much fun to spend an extra night out. That being said, if some one else is throwing the party and has a budget, you need to make up the difference for significant others.
  • If the sig others/dates of the WP aren't invited, decline the offer.

    If that happened to me as a WP member, I'd have to bow out of the dinner in the nicest way possible.

  • ILs threw ours. They picked the restaurant, although asked us if we would like it first, then we picked the menu together based on their budget. I guess we had guest list input, but it was just kind of assumed that it would be wedding party and their significant others, officiant, parents, grandparents, and it just so happened that our godparents ended up coming for various reasons. We did not invite all OOT guests, ILs would not have paid for it and I've never been to a RD where they were, so we kept it pretty small.
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