Female Best Man advice!!!!

adraper123

Ok. So here's the scoop. My fianc told me today he wants his best man to be a female. I understand I should be compliant with his request, but I am having a very hard time with it. I am not saying I'm picky, but here are my concerns.
I don't want a women planning his
bachelor party or even being there. She can be involved in all my parties, but
ultimately not really with him at all.
Those are thing him and his guy friends should do together.
Next, she would have to get ready with
us. All my ladies are getting hair and
makeup done. She won't be the only
one without it, meaning she would not spend anytime with him to even be his best man. She would not wear a tux it's a straight female, I'm not letting her and would wear the same dress as all the girls.
To end, I guess I'm a little jealous that he would want another women so bad to stand next to him. Shouldn't the only female he be thinking about on our wedding day is me? Plus pictures and everything else. I'd just rather her be a bridesmaid and give a speech. Hell, I don't care if she sits next to him at the head table even. It's just the point that I don't like it. Am I totally wrong? Please help!!

Avion22

First of all, if she's female, then she won't be a "Best MAN" -- so strike that term from your vocabulary right now.  She can be a "Best Woman" or "Groom's Woman" or whatever you come up with, but please don't refer to your husband's best friend, a female, as a MAN.

Second, you sound REALLY controlling.  I know you don't mean to be, but your post really sounds like it.  I can tell how frustrated you are.   But think about your reaction and how it must seem to your fiance.  You are rejecting his BEST friend because she happens to be female.

Why shouldn't she plan or attend his bachelorette party?  I have a lot of male friends who I go our and party with sometimes.  They don't tone it down because of me.   If he wants her there, and she wants to be there, then that's none of your business.

Why should she wear the same dress as your bridesmaid?  She NOT a bridesmaid.  Can she just wear a black dress (or whatever color suit/tux the groomsmen are wearing)?  I'm sure she's capable of picking out something lovely.  Instead a boutiniere you can get here a corsage.  No big deal.   

What if she doesn't WANT her hair/makeup done?  Will you force her to use your stylists?  What if she wants to have her hair and makeup done on her own earlier in the day so she can be around for when the guys get ready (not in the room, obviously, but at least around and able to help out).  

I think the last few lines of your post tell the real story -- you are jealous of her.  Here's something to remember though -- your fiance is marrying YOU, not her.  He's not going to be "thinking about her" on his wedding day any more than he would be "thinking about" a male groomsman instead of you.   

Bonzo2011

My fiance's best man is a woman. It's really not a big deal. In my case, this woman has been my FI's best friend since kindergarten. It was a natural choice for him, and I never once considered asking him to change his mind. He picked his closest friends, how can I argue with that? To address some of your specific concerns, why don't you want her involved with the bachelorette party? Are you concerned about them getting drunk? There will probably be women at the bar no matter what. As for getting ready on the day of the wedding, I don't actually see a problem with her getting ready with your ladies. That's what happened at a friends wedding where they had a "groomsmaid." she did hair and makeup with us, the bridesmaids, got dressed with us, then joined the groomsmen at the site for pictures. No problem there. I've also never seen a woman wearing a tux. FI's BM is picking a black dress in similar material and style to the bridesmaids, though not identical. She will have accessories to pick up the color of the GM ties and vests. Honestly, it sounds like you are very jealous of your FI's female friend. Is there something else going on here, like some history between them? Something that would make you feel uncomfortable with her spending that much time with him? If not, I really think you need to move past this. If this is not a trust issue between you and your FI, then you need to believe me when I say no woman will take his thoughts away from you on the wedding day!

divinemsbee

Oh, honey. He's marrying you. Not her. So the jealousy is more than a bit unwarranted. And, if something has happened between them (like cheating) that makes the jealousy warranted, then I think planning a wedding might not be the wisest idea. 

First of all, he gets to pick his side. And neither of you should be helping to plan the pre-wedding parties, so you don't really get a say over how that goes down. If you're uncomfortable with certain aspects of a bachelor party (i.e. you're uncomfortable with the idea of, say, strippers), then it's up to you to talk to your FI about that and it's up to him to respect you on it. 

From everything you're saying, I get the idea that either you really don't like this girl or that you're really uncomfortable with even the slightest bending of gender norms. You're willing to have her as a bridesmaid, which is what it seems like you want to limit her to doing, but you don't want her standing up with him. It just doesn't make sense to me. 

As far as hair/make-up goes, it would be nice to offer use of stylists to her, but, unless you're paying you can't require anyone to use your people (I guess even if you're paying you can't require it, but if you want something specific you need to pay for people to use your stylist). As far as a dress goes, she could wear the same color as the BMs in a different style, or her dress could be the same color as the GMs vests (if you're doing that). 

Your FI gets to kind of dictate what his side will do the day of the wedding. If she is standing up with him, then what are you going to do, lock her in the bridal suite so she must spend time with you and can't see him? That is ridiculous in the extreme. 

You aren't a little jealous, you're insane. Get a grip.

CN: Yes, you are totally wrong. 

QueerFemme

You sound controlling and insecure. My suggestion and advice is stop worrying what your fiance's friend is going to wear and start worrying about how you can get over your extreme jealousy. Honestly, you may be happier if she did attend the bachelor parties. Many men treat women with a little more respect when they know them, or when they are around women they know. Her presence there might keep the guys a little more under control. Overall though, you should focus on your wedding and your marriage and stop trying to dictate what your fiance is doing with HIS groomspeople. Much to your surprise, you might learn that dictating and saying he CAN'T do this or he WON'T do that might not get you very far. You may learn that when you allow him to make decisions all by himself, he will be happier.

Ashes_3

My sisters husband had a grooms person just this past November. She wore a black short dress and no one questioned why is there a female on the grooms side. They grew up together and are best friends. Put your jealousy aside and let him enjoy the wedding also.

QueerFemme

PS.  I've seen plenty of females wear tuxedos.  Hell, the prom queen in my high school wore a tuxedo with 5 inch stilettos because she wanted to be different.   Stop stressing over stuff that doesn't matter.

artbyallie

So petty and jealous. It's particularly odd to me that she's his friend, but you only want to allow her to hang out with you (parties, getting ready, etc.).

brilibby4

I agree with PPs.  Why are you so set against her attending the bachelor party?  If she is his best friend I am assuming they do get together from time to time...how is this any different?  You should trust your fiance.  Also, you must have known she was a close friend of his, so why are you so surprised he wants to include her? 

You are worrying about this way too much.  It doesn't matter what she wears or where she gets ready.  Your fiance won't be thinking of her at your wedding, he will be thinking of you.  He asked her to be his Best Woman/Groomswomen, not his bride.  Get over it and stop controlling your fiance or you are going to regret it some day.

specialk84

Your whole post was ridiculous, but the part that really got to me was about the tux. Why would you assume she would wear one? I've seen plenty of female attendants on the groom's side, and they all wore dresses that coordinated with the groomsmen. Not a single one wore a tux.

In about half of the weddings where I've seen this, the ladies wore black dresses to match the tuxes. In the other half, they wore dresses in colors that matched the GM's ties and such. 

BubbsNBubbs

I was asked to be the "best man" in one of my best friend's wedding.  He asked me and then his then FI made him UN-ASK me. It really hurt my feelings....alot. IF I had been there to plan and be part of his bachelor party, I promise you she wouldn't have had a reason to threaten to call off the wedding less than a week before.

She has always been jealous of our friendship.  I have never been interested in him as more than friends but she has always had an issue with me.  He has since confided in me that it really showed him what kind of controlling and manipulative things she is/was capable of by how she handled this.  Don't be THAT wife. He is marrying YOU, not her. Get over yourself and put your FI's feelings on the matter above your petty jealousy.  

jmp2004

You clearly have a problem, and his choice for the wedding party isn't it.

goobersinlove

Yes, you are totally and completely wrong.  There was absolutely NOTHING in your post that was right. You are setting up extremely selfish and controlling bridezilla-esq "rules" for this poor woman to follow, because you are being petty and insecure.

She can plan and attend his bachelor party.  She can wear whatever your FI wants her to wear, whether that be the same dress your BM's are wearing, a different dress, or *gasp* a tux. She can get ready with FI or she can get ready with you - however FI wants it. The pictures will be great no matter what.

FI picked her for a reason. Swallow it and put his feelings ahead of yours on this non-issue.

brookelizabeth21

Having read everyone's posts, I really am just adding this to be another voice telling you that they are all correct. I'll reinterate some of the important points made - #1: Your frustration in your post is obvious, and you need to take a big, no, make that HUGE step back and re-evaluate all of this. As a newly-wed, I can tell you with first hand experience that there were about 209385209485793485789345 million things that I worried about that, in the end, meant NOTHING. #2: He's marrying you, not her. #3: goobersinlove really hit the nail on the head. It's yours and your finance's wedding, not just yours. Chill out and enjoy the ride. Trust me, this is not a big thing. Being married has way harder things to deal with, and if you can't relax about this little thing, when bigger things hit down the road (relocating for a new job and leaving behind family, working opposite shifts and never seeing each other to accomodate school, etc) your relationship will crumble.

Kate61487

ditto all the PPs.  This is not a big deal, so don't make it one.  She can wear the same dress as your BMs, a coordinating dress, or yes even a suit if thats what she and your FI want.  She can plan and attend his b-party - not all b-parties are drunken stripper fests, you know.  H went to a baseball game with his friends and then they went out to a local bar (where there were lots of other people, even females).

As for getting ready:  you can do it either way.  H's groomswoman got ready with the girls for our wedding, while my bridesman got ready with the boys.  I will say though I kind of wish we'd done it differently; I barely got to see my bridesman at all :-/  If I could do it over I probably would have still had our groomswoman start the morning at the salon with us, but then had her go by the guys to 'get ready' and had my bridesman come by me so we could spend the morning together. (and that doesn't mean I was 'thinking about him' that day.  He's my friend, and in retrospect I wish I'd gotten to hang out with him that morning).  FTR - everyone got dressed in private; the guys didn't all just drop trou in the middle of the room.  It's not like she'll be standing next to your FI with them both in their underwear.

expatmrs

Insecurity is a turn off!! Let it go and enjoy your wedding day. It's not about the MOH or BM anyway. It's about the bride and groom.

AbbeyS2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_female-best-man-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2552148-e8c5-47a1-9a26-ef08623e37d9Post:77dd7b28-4586-418d-b009-d1b759e21abe">Re: Female Best Man advice!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]You clearly have a problem, and his choice for the wedding party isn't it.
Posted by jmp2004[/QUOTE]

My thought exactly.  Some of my best and closest friends are men.  Men who are married, have GFs, or FIs.  That is all we are and ever have been - friends.  When H and I met, I told him I have friends that are men, and if he had a problem with that, to keep on looking. 

You need to stop being so insecure.  He is marrying YOU, not his friend.  He has a right to choose who is part of his side of the WP, unless you will allow him the same veto access to your BP. 

adraper123

Here is the problem, im not controlling, he has every input in the world. Involved in all. I just don't feel comfortable when he has a million other choices. I would understand if it was a long lost friend or something, but it seems to me that he can't chose between his male friends so he just wants to pick her. I have no problem with her, offering any position. They don't talk about anything except work, and very little about personal stuff. I guess I just think he has other people he can choose, his brother in law that he grew up with. He has known her for 3 years.
I am picking up the bill for hair/makeup. All the ladies opted in for it too.
As controlling as everyone thinks that I am, I have dreamed about this day since I was IDK 2. He keeps saying traditional, church and all. I just don't see why he can't have a female. If I had a brother or something, I wouldn't want him as my "man of honor". He has picked, and been involved with everything so far, I just am not sure how to put my foot down on this. And I don't want her at a party with all guys. I am sorry if that is controlling or whatever, but no. That is supposed to be his last hurrah, and she honestly doesnt need to be planning it. If that is jealousy then whatever. He can have her give a speech, or sit
next to him during dinner, but I don't like the idea.

Ashes_3

Poor man!

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_female-best-man-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2552148-e8c5-47a1-9a26-ef08623e37d9Post:cf9bd83a-c3eb-4c1a-86d0-1224dddc6f5c">Re: Female Best Man advice!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is the problem, im not controlling, he has every input in the world. Involved in all. I just don't feel comfortable when he has a million other choices. I would understand if it was a long lost friend or something, but it seems to me that he can't chose between his male friends so he just wants to pick her. I have no problem with her, offering any position. They don't talk about anything except work, and very little about personal stuff. I guess I just think he has other people he can choose, his brother in law that he grew up with. He has known her for 3 years. I am picking up the bill for hair/makeup. All the ladies opted in for it too. As controlling as everyone thinks that I am, I have dreamed about this day since I was IDK 2. He keeps saying traditional, church and all. I just don't see why he can't have a female. If I had a brother or something, I wouldn't want him as my "man of honor". He has picked, and been involved with everything so far, I just am not sure how to put my foot down on this. And I don't want her at a party with all guys. I am sorry if that is controlling or whatever, but no. That is supposed to be his last hurrah, and she honestly doesnt need to be planning it. If that is jealousy then whatever. He can have her give a speech, or sit next to him during dinner, but I don't like the idea.
Posted by adraper123[/QUOTE]

Except, everything in this post says you ARE controlling.   You don't get to pick his wedding party. HE does. You don't even get an opinion on why he is picking certain people to be in his party.  If he wants to pick her because she is his friend, regardless of how close you believe them to be, it's HIS choice.   As far as hair/makeup.  I'm sure she can handle her own hair & makeup.  YOU worry about YOUR bridesmaids... and let HIM worry about his groom's party.  If she wants to participate with you and your bridesmaids in getting hair & makeup done, then you two can discuss that at some point and she can pay for it, or your fiance can cover her expenses.

YOU have been dreaming about this day since you were 2.  YOU don't feel comforable because YOU believe he has other choices.  YOU don't want her at his party.  YOU YOU YOU YOU.  that's all your posts talks about.  Guess what??  YOU don't get to put your foot down on this.  It's not your choice.  It's his.

I'm not sure why on earth you don't realize that. 

Viczaesar

Listen, Crazypants. You are the very embodiment of controlling. It is absolutely none of your business why he wants her as his best woman. You don't get a say. You also don't get a say in who plans his bachelor party, if he is lucky enough to get one. Deal with it. The more you kick up a fuss about it, the more BSC you'll look.

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_female-best-man-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2552148-e8c5-47a1-9a26-ef08623e37d9Post:bdb1890e-2993-421f-b7c5-2607b89869c0">Re:Female Best Man advice!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Listen, Crazypants. You are the very embodiment of controlling. It is absolutely none of your business why he wants her as his best woman. You don't get a say. You also don't get a say in who plans his bachelor party, if he is lucky enough to get one. Deal with it. The more you kick up a fuss about it, the more BSC you'll look.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly. Explain to me please why her possession of a vagina and lack of a penis disqualify her from throwing him a party and standing next to him?</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Length of time he's known her is also irrelevant. I had only known two of my bridesmaids for 3 years, but they are dear friends nonetheless.</div>

OwningAHome1981

I'm going to be odd woman out here but I'd be kinda pissed too. Yes he can pick his wedding party and the op really should not have a say in that, but that doesn't mean she has to like it or be happy about who he picks. Op, ultimately as much as it sucks, you have to just deal with it bc there's nothing u can do. Talking to him about it might be opening a can of worms and just making things worse. In short, you don't have to like it, but you do have to accept it.

mmbooth

Wow. I don't think it's fair to call the original poster all of these names. She came to you looking for advice, not to be judged. We don't know her and we don't know anything about the wedding other than this. Way to stress someone out even more and encourage bad behavior. Have you tried to talk to him about her? It seems like if she's not really that important but he just wants a female on either side, maybe she can do something else. Why should you be uncomfortable on your wedding day? Is there a compromise that you can both come to that satisfies both parties?

Amanda65gto

If he's marrying you he needs to be respectful of your opinion on that.... It is your wedding not just his and you're right, you should be the only woman he'd fight to have up there next to him that day.

sofakingmad

This post is from 2012.

manateehugger

@Amanda65gto, this original post is two years old. 

And...you're wrong. 

doeydo

Amanda65gto  What in the ever living fuck gave you that idea?  Did you ever think that when choosing a wedding party, people choose their nearest and dearest friends and family regardless of their gender?  What if OP's FI's best friend was a woman and therefore he wanted her as his best woman?  What does having a vagina and lacking a penis have to do with anything here?

tcnoble

Where are all these snowflakes coming from that keep resurrecting old threads?!