torn feelings about church wedding

cloncaric

I need advice or ideas, ladies!  I know there have been posts similar to this topic before, but I was hoping some knotties out there could give some feedback.  I've always wanted to get married outdoors and thought my FI was on the same page, but when it came time to actually plan the ceremony he realized that it was important to him to be married in the Catholic church he was raised in.  I was also raised Catholic but no longer feel connected to the church at all.  I'm willing to go to the Pre Cana meetings and retreat, but I don't feel it's appropriate to get married in the church considering my current beliefs.  My fiance's bottom line is that he wants the blessing of a priest when we get married, but priests of course cannot marry anyone oustide of the church.  At this point it seems like one of us is going to be forced to do somethign we are uncomfortable with.  Are there any compromises you can think of out there?

ffmaid

Well the Catholic church does not recognize a marriage that does not take place in teh church so if you ever plan on baptising kids ect that puts this at risk. How about a church ceremoney with a reception outside ?Talk to FI and listen to him and see what works best for the long term religious thread in your marriage.

HBear19

While I agree that your religion issues should be discussed since they go way beyond where to get married...What if you got married outside like you want to, and afterwards go to your FIs church and ask to have the marriage blessed?

ffmaid

hbear- the catholic church will only do convalidations ( blessings of marriages that have already taken place) very very rarely and only in extreme cases . Bride wanting an outdoor wedding would 99% likely not be an allowed reason for a convalidatio.

mbcdefg

If you're willing to do pre-wedding meetings with the priest, maybe he'd be helpful in helping the two of you reach a mutual conclusion. Arrange a meeting with him and you and your FI can explain that you respect FI's faith and want him to have the blessing, but that you are personally concerned with disrespecting the religion by marrying in a church that you don't believe in.

lithiea

Marriage is all about compromises you might as well start now. I'd talk to the preist durring the pre cana meetings and discuss with Fi other options but honestly I think your best best would be to do the ceremony in the church and then have an outdoor cocktail hour and reception. GL

aerinpegadrak

Retread and mbcdefg are wise.  Sit down, just the two of you or with a priest, and figure out how you both feel about your religion and faith, and how you're going to deal with it moving forward.  You need to get that figured out before you can really move on with the wedding.

jsmithoregon

I totally understand where you are right now...but I want church wedding and FI is totally against it.  i found a priest that will do outdoor weddings though....its not quite the same as in a church but maybe at least your FI will be satisified.  Honestly I would still have the convo with him about future plans with kids...because he will want kids baptised, first communion and so on.  I am still afraid to bring it up with my FI....also will kids go to catholic schooling?  Sunday church too?

cloncaric

I appreciate all the feedback, ladies. We've had the big discussions about how religion will play a role in our future family, and I'm sure there will be some tough times, but we agree that a united front is important as far as raising a family goes. With the wedding, we are trying to compromise and still make faith a part of the ceremony -- we'll see if that ends up meaning a church wedding or not. I think the biggest mistake would be one of us being totally uncomfortable with the end decision, so we'll explore our options for a ceremony venue and choose something we are both ok with.

mbcdefg

I would ask the priest about the convalidation ceremony. I think they'd frown upon it if your reasoning was, "We want a pretty wedding at this outdoor garden!" but if it's a matter of the two of you having different faiths then maybe you'd have a better shot at getting one in that case. Again, though, just talk to him and see what he suggests. If nothing else, he's a neutral third party to listen.

bucky22

my vote is suck it up and get married in the church. i also am a raised-really catholic kid who grew up and away from the church. i actually don't know if i believe in it at all. but, its really important to my family for us to get married in the church.... and, the reason i agreed to it are so-not-PC for church goers. 1) i really just don't care that much, plus my church is beautiful. 2) maybe some day i'll feel the need to raise kids in a "structured" enviroment, like the church, and my views will swing back 3) its so much easier to start out catholic, and become anything else... so my future spawn will at least have that brewing for them (i can't believe anyone converts to catholicism... its soooo much work) and yes, i know this is not the "right attitude"... but oh well!

cloncaric

bucky,  my feelings are almost the same as yours -- if only my church was actually beautiful!

bucky22

Thanks for your sentiments Stage. I don't subscribe to this "make people feel bad vibe" going on all over the Knot lately... Everyone is stressed enough for wedding planning, and riding people's backs doesn't help anyone. I realize that not everyone agrees with my opinion (per my post). Good luck with your wedding planning.