Etiquette

Super expensive bachelorette party

My BF, and MOH, is getting married two weeks before me. We have already purchased our BM dresses for each other's wedding and are aware that each of us is spending alot of money on our own weddings. I really want to get her a good Bridal Shower and Wedding gift because she is my BF and vice versa but she wants to go to Vegas (across the country) for her bachelorette and this will cost me close to $1,000!

Her sister (MOH)  talked to her and told her this might be too expensive for people and that she shouldnt expect a big gift from those who come because they will be spending a lot of money. Long story short, she threw a fit and said this is what she wanted and whoever wanted to come could come. She said that if there was no Vegas she didn't want a bachelorette party. 

It's easy for her to say this because she's not paying for the trip. I feel upset that she wouldn't take into consideration how much of an expense this is for everyone, and me since we are both planning our weddings. She never asked how much would be ok to spend and I am feeling stressed out about this. I can spend the money but I'd rather put it somewhere else. 

If I don't go she will be super disappointed and it will just be her, her sister, and her cousin. I feel like I should have spoken up sooner and now I don't know how to say I am uncomfortable spending this money. I don't want her to be upset with me. 

What should I do? Should I suck it up and go or do I risk this uncomfortable convo and her being angry with me? She IS my best friend and I want to be there for her. I just feel this is a little inconsiderate. 
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Re: Super expensive bachelorette party

  • lopezalonsolopezalonso
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I think the problem here is that she NEVER partied and now that she is getting married she wants to have this extravagant affair but it is just so costly. I mean, we are 30 minutes from NYC... what would be the problem spending the night partying there?


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  • In Response to Super expensive bachelorette party:
    My BF, and MOH, is getting married two weeks before me. We have already purchased our BM dresses for each other's wedding and are aware that each of us is spending alot of money on our own weddings. I really want to get her a good Bridal Shower and Wedding gift because she is my BF and vice versa but she wants to go to Vegas (across the country) for her bachelorette and this will cost me close to $1,000! Her sister (MOH)  talked to her and told her this might be too expensive for people and that she shouldnt expect a big gift from those who come because they will be spending a lot of money. Long story short, she threw a fit and said this is what she wanted and whoever wanted to come could come. She said that if there was no Vegas she didn't want a bachelorette party.  It's easy for her to say this because she's not paying for the trip. I feel upset that she wouldn't take into consideration how much of an expense this is for everyone, and me since we are both planning our weddings. She never asked how much would be ok to spend and I am feeling stressed out about this. I can spend the money but I'd rather put it somewhere else.  If I don't go she will be super disappointed and it will just be her, her sister, and her cousin. I feel like I should have spoken up sooner and now I don't know how to say I am uncomfortable spending this money. I don't want her to be upset with me.  What should I do? Should I suck it up and go or do I risk this uncomfortable convo and her being angry with me? She IS my best friend and I want to be there for her. I just feel this is a little inconsiderate. 
    Posted by lopezalonso
    What. a. brat.

    Tell her you love her, but that you can't afford to attend.  Don't offer her any more of an explanation than that.
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  • I personally wouldn't go. I also think that you should talk to your friend. You don't have to be mean or confrontational, but just let her know that $1000 is just way too much for you to spend especially so close to your own wedding. You could suggest NYC if that is more affordable for everyone to do.
  • I 100% agree with PPs.  I recently had to tell one of my best friends from HS that I can't go to her wedding because FI can't afford the cost of flights/hotel/rental car/gift (also around $1000).  She was crushed, but ultimately understood.

    You're MOH/BF is being completely unreasonable.  She should not even have a hand in her bachelorette party!  She will just have to accept the fact that you have a lot of other expenses in your life and it's just not reasonable.  She is your BFF, she WILL understand, she is having a serious zilla moment.
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  • Let it be just her, her sister and her cousin. When she finds out who attends, maybe shell realize how irrational she's being. Or not. Either way, if you can't afford it, then it is what it is. There are plenty of places closer by. NYC, Jersey Shore, Hamptons... surely there can be a compromise. If not, that's her loss.
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  • I would tell her that you loved her but unless she had a bachlorette party closer to home that with a wedding to pay for yourself you can not afford to go to vegas, but that if she wanted to do something in NYC you would love to spend the weekend with her.
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  • If she really wants Vegas, try digging around a little more for deals. I was planning a bach party a while ago that has since fallen through, but it was only about $400 per person for a long weekend in a suite at the Mirage, including the cost of airfare. That might not be in your price range either, but I'm only suggesting looking for different hotels or flight options. 

    I'd also suggest NYC as a place.

    If she really doesn't want to change any plans, don't go. Tell her it's just too expensive and that you wish you could come, but just can't afford it. If she doesn't understand that, I'll assume she's a brat. 

    Good luck!
  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007
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    edited December 2011
    $1000 is my mortgage payment.  Keeping a roof over my head is far more important than a party.  I would decline.

    ETA: I really do like the suggestions of posing a NYC night. 
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
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  • Ditto B.  A friend who wants me to spend my mortgage payment on a PARTY is out of line.
  • The mortgage payment analogy would be a good one to use with her.  With the attitude she is displaying she NEEDS to experience some disappointment to get back down to Earth.  You need to tell her now that you just can't afford this.  If she asks why you didn't tell her sooner, let her know that her hissy fit about Vegas or nothing put you off.
  • If she said "if there's no Vegas, then I don't want a bachelorette party" then I'd oblige her and not give her a party.  She's being absolutely ridiculous.  What about NYC or Atlantic City?  (Atlantic City would probably be even less expensive than NYC, and also more Vegas-like.)  $1000 would pay the average person's student loans for like two months, and frankly, $1000 is cheap for Vegas when you're coming from the east coast (the flight costs are brutal, even if you get a good deal on a hotel once you get there).

    Also, I hate that whole "but this is my last chance to go out and party because I'm getting married" line of thinking.  Marriage isn't the death of partying - I fully intend to continue my girls-only trips with friends after I get hitched, and FI plans to continue his boys-only trips as well.  Partying =/= cheating, right?
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  • She does so not have a say in this. It is ok to give hints about things that you don't want to do (like no strippers), but it is up to ones hosting the event to choose the destination and events. The hosts should do this with everyone's budget in mind.

    So, explain to her that you won't be able to attend, and with what StephBean said in mind, tell her that you'd love to go to Vegas in a few years when your finances have recovered from the wedding stuff and whatever else you are planning to do.
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  • lopezalonsolopezalonso
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I totally agree with everything you guys have said. I'm just feeling a little awkward with bringing up the fact that this is too expensive. Oh, and did I tell you I am a graduate student living off a stipend??? I recently moved back with my parents because my lease was up and signing another lease would mean FI had to move in with me and I was living out of state (NY), so I had to move back.

    My parents are paying for the wedding and FI and I are paying parts like photography, favors, HM, etc. I am afraid she will bring up that I am not paying for my wedding like she is. This would be a low blow and I don't think she'll really say it but if she gets upset enough it might come out and I don't want to have an argument that may cause a rift in our relationship. I guess I'm mostly afraid of disappointing her and her being upset with me for not saying something sooner. 
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Super expensive bachelorette party:
    I totally agree with everything you guys have said. I'm just feeling a little awkward with bringing up the fact that this is too expensive. Oh, and did I tell you I am a graduate student living off a stipend??? I recently moved back with my parents because my lease was up and signing another lease would mean FI had to move in with me and I was living out of state (NY), so I had to move back. My parents are paying for the wedding and FI and I are paying parts like photography, favors, HM, etc. I am afraid she will bring up that I am not paying for my wedding like she is. This would be a low blow and I don't think she'll really say it but if she gets upset enough it might come out and I don't want to have an argument that may cause a rift in our relationship. I guess I'm mostly afraid of disappointing her and her being upset with me for not saying something sooner. 
    Posted by lopezalonso

    First bold:  who cares if she does?  It's none of her business who pays for your wedding jsut like it's none of your business who pays for hers.  eta: and if she does, well then, she sucks

    Second bold: it sounds like you're considering giving in and being a doormat about this.  I can see not causing a rift over a $50 dinner out but  a $1000 party???  She's already thrown a tantrum so don't let her bully you into doing something you can't afford.  Stand up for yourself.

    edit#2:  if she gets upset and can't understand/appreciate that you can't afford her high demands, then she's a crappy friend.  A TRUE friend doesn't put price tags on friendship and love.
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  • In Response to Re: Super expensive bachelorette party:
    I totally agree with everything you guys have said. I'm just feeling a little awkward with bringing up the fact that this is too expensive. Oh, and did I tell you I am a graduate student living off a stipend??? I recently moved back with my parents because my lease was up and signing another lease would mean FI had to move in with me and I was living out of state (NY), so I had to move back. My parents are paying for the wedding and FI and I are paying parts like photography, favors, HM, etc. I am afraid she will bring up that I am not paying for my wedding like she is. This would be a low blow and I don't think she'll really say it but if she gets upset enough it might come out and I don't want to have an argument that may cause a rift in our relationship. I guess I'm mostly afraid of disappointing her and her being upset with me for not saying something sooner. 
    Posted by lopezalonso
    If you two are as close as you suggest, she shouldn't want to cause a financial hardship.  Quite frankly, even if you could afford to do this, I think that asking ppl to spend $1k on a bachelorette party is ridiculous, especially considering where you two live. There is SO much to do in your area.

    She's your friend. Talk to her about your concerns about the budget and try to find a more affordable option... If she throws a fit about about this, well, then that tells you something about her. 
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  • I really wanted to go to Vegas for my bachelorette party, but as I am talking to my friends, its not in everyone budget, which is understandable...its expensive. We did find flight/hotel for $530 during the week, but that is still a lot to ask of friends & I can't do that to people.

    I would rather do something smaller with all of my friends than a big party in Vegas with 3 of my friends. If you live that close to NYC, I would suggest going there. I am looking up stuff in Chicago to share with my MOH and I am seeing a lot of things where you go to 3 clubs with bottle service & a limo for like $45/person. I live in Chicago, so I understand wanting to go a new city, but what is more important? Her friends or a party? Plus she is have a big party already called her WEDDING DAY! 
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  • Frankly, I can't help but feel like she's missing the point of a bachelorette party... it's to have a fun night out with your friends, which you can do pretty much anywhere.  One of the best bachelorettes I've been to was one where a group of us just went out to a local bar... it wasn't fancy, but we had a blast (and the whole night probably cost us about $20 - the bartenders and other people we met ended up paying for all of our drinks).

    Also, if her expectations are this high, Vegas is going to be a disappointment anyway.  I mean yes, Vegas can be fun, but the nightclubs and bars are no "better" or "cooler" than anything you'd find in NYC.  What does she think is going to happen?  The Vegas fairy is going to rain magical party dust down on her?  
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  • And you're friends with this woman, why?
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  • I just did a search on prices for flights and hotels and wrote up a comprehensive email with all the details. If she changes her date to another weekend we could save a few hundred bucks. I also mentioned in the email how much I was willing to spend. I did this to get a dialogue going about the trip with some info on prices and other options. 

    BTW, she doesn't know I know she threw a temper tantrum and said that if no Vegas then nothing thing to her sister. So she didn't say any of this to me. That's why I sent the email with the price info to get a convo started considering she doesn't know I know what she said to her MOH. 
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  • In Response to Re: Super expensive bachelorette party:
    And you're friends with this woman, why?
    Posted by tidetravel
    We have been BF since the 10th grade...Now it is 13 years later. I just think she has overlooked this and I also I think it is partially my fault for not speaking up sooner. I was initially excited about the trip but I thought we could do it for much less. 
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  • In Response to Re: Super expensive bachelorette party:
    What does she think is going to happen?  The Vegas fairy is going to rain magical party dust down on her?  
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502
    I just wanted to say that I love this.
  • In Response to Re: Super expensive bachelorette party:
    In Response to Re: Super expensive bachelorette party : We have been BF since the 10th grade...Now it is 13 years later. I just think she has overlooked this and I also I think it is partially my fault for not speaking up sooner. I was initially excited about the trip but I thought we could do it for much less. 
    Posted by lopezalonso
    I totally understand where you're coming from. Ive been with my best friends since high school and I don't make as much as them. They know this, but they don't really understand, ya know? Hang in there! Don't pay what you can't afford. GL!
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  • lopezalonsolopezalonso
    100 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks Simply Fated! Yeah, going to grad school is the epitome of delayed gratification, in regards to finances that is... 5 years of delayed gratification to be exact. Thankfully, I will be wrapping up the 3rd year prior to the wedding. 
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  • I attended a b-party in Vegas for one of my friends when I was a BM in her wedding. I also had the same reservations. My friend thankfully paid for her own flight and hotel, but we were expected (by her, nonetheless; and her MOH) to pay for all of her meals, drinks, transportation, show tickets, everything. Had I known this before we left, I would not have gone, and was appalled when I realized this once we got there. Anyway, my moral is - I wouldn't go if I were you. Like PPs said, it's not worth a rent or mortgage payment over a b-party!
  • A  few years ago, M was invited to her childhood BF''s bach party.bering organized by her sister, the MOH.



    The wedding itself was December 30, a PITA to start off with but it was in DC so managable from Boston &  NYC.  Iceland isn't exactly on the way to anywhere, particularly in early December.  M declined the party, seems she was the only guest invited anyhow.

    The MOB sent personal notes to all the guests about 3 months before the wedding to all of the guests to inform them that the couple had registered at Tiffany and they needed nothing else.  The hotel in DC was $300 a night and plus the flights.  The venue was onthe roof top of a fancy hotel in DC with the dinner downstairs, slightly warmer.

    The band or DJ (couldn't figure out which they were) did try to play all of the brides's parents college football songs.   FAIL

    The marriage lasted less than two years with the bride secluding herself to a clinic in Switzerland for the duration for the divorce proceedings.

    She remarried a year of two ago because I remember Mrs.B posting the photos from the wedding.  Shall we say sheer silk and no bra with a cathedral mantilla veil?

    We haven't heard from the girl or her family since.  Sad, we used to be all good friends.

  • OP, you have to do what is best for for you. I think the bride is being unreasonable. Plus, in my opinion and how it works in my group of friends is regardless of the destination, you get one night for a bachelorette party AND the bride pays for her own flight/hotels. This isn't a free trip for the bride at all. They get dinner, drinks and maybe some special event paid fo one eveningr, but besides that they pay their own way. I would never go if if the bride expected a free ride.
  • Hey Amy, She is not expecting a free ride. I am not paying for her trip but I would still have to pay for myself and it would come out to around 1000 just for me. That's the problem.
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  • In Response to Re: Super expensive bachelorette party:
    Hey Amy, She is not expecting a free ride. I am not paying for her trip but I would still have to pay for myself and it would come out to around 1000 just for me. That's the problem.
    Posted by lopezalonso
    I'm sticking with "just say no."  $1000 is way, way too much to spend on a bachelorette party for anyone, even your best friend.  $1000 is about what I spend on my yearly vacation - no way I'd let a friend's b-party replace my vacation (although I love my friends, I work pretty hard so I treasure my vacation).

    Any chance you could bribe her into doing something local by offering to cover her share?  (You could probably pay for an overnight trip to AC for both of you for half the price of taking just yourself to Vegas!)
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  • I get where ur coming from. I got married this summer and prior to being engaged thought a Vegas BP would be awesome! But taking into account my BPs bugdet (all famiy) not to mention my sister w/ a 1 yo and 2 yo not wanting to me away too long, Atlantic City was just as great as Vegas, way more budget friendly, and my whole BP was able to attend. My H had 2 bachelor parties- if ur friend really wants to go to Vegas, let her sister and cousin take her and she can have a local BP later. My H went to FL with his BM for a wkend and then had a regular BP in AC with all the guys.

    And if she is concerned about partying, u can be VERY crazy in AC. I certainly was, but location has never stopped me :) I dont know too many other ppl who were able to swim in the Tropicana fountain w/o being kicked out haha :)
  • I contacted her regarding some of my reservations but I haven't heard back yet (not unlike her). I am hoping that she will either change the Vegas trip altogether or that she will be OK with me not going. You girls have definitely made me feel more confident in saying "no".
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