NWR H is pissing me off

CurlsNpearls12

Tomorrow is my work Christmas party, which we have every year. It's pretty formal- cocktail dresses, suits, hair and makeup done, etc.

Two years ago, I brought my H (FI at time) as my date. It was miserable to get him to wear something appropriate. I didn't even ask him to wear a damn tie. Just a button up dress shirt and some black dress pants. He was so miserable the entire time. He felt out of his element even though I tried to make him as comfortable as possible.

Last year I left him at home because he didn't want to dress nicely. We argued the whole day about him not wearing this stupid black shirt he has that has camouflage on it. SERIOUSLY!?

This year is the same. My party is tomorrow and I did RSVP for two because he told me he would go. Now he's arguing that he's not wearing what would be appropriate (black pants, button up shirt).
 
Again, he's talking about that stupid black shirt with the camouflage on it. I'm going to burn the damn thing I swear.

I told him that's fine I'll leave him at home AGAIN. So GREAT, my co-workers not only think my new H is an idiot for not dressing up, being immature, etc., they realize it's been two years in a row now. FML

What have I done wrong in our relationship? Is it really THAT hard for a grown man to dress appropriate for a Christmas Party? Seriously? I'm at my wits end here.

Edie Bee

In Response to NWR H is pissing me off:

Tomorrow is my work Christmas party, which we have every year. It's pretty formal- cocktail dresses, suits, hair and makeup done, etc.

Two years ago, I brought my H (FI at time) as my date. It was miserable to get him to wear something appropriate. I didn't even ask him to wear a damn tie. Just a button up dress shirt and some black dress pants. He was so miserable the entire time. He felt out of his element even though I tried to make him as comfortable as possible.

Last year I left him at home because he didn't want to dress nicely. We argued the whole day about him not wearing this stupid black shirt he has that has camouflage on it. SERIOUSLY!?

This year is the same. My party is tomorrow and I did RSVP for two because he told me he would go. Now he's arguing that he's not wearing what would be appropriate (black pants, button up shirt).
 
Again, he's talking about that stupid black shirt with the camouflage on it. I'm going to burn the damn thing I swear. 

I told him that's fine I'll leave him at home AGAIN. So GREAT, my co-workers not only think my new H is an idiot for not dressing up, being immature, etc., they realize it's been two years in a row now. FML

What have I done wrong in our relationship? Is it really THAT hard for a grown man to dress appropriate for a Christmas Party? Seriously? I'm at my wits end here.
Posted by CurlsNpearls12

Why does he feel miserable and out of his element for wearing a dress shirt and pants?  I think I remember you talking about this before.

kwitherington

Aw, Curls, I feel your pain.  My DH hates dressing up.  He will do it when he absolutely has to, but will try not to if he can avoid it.

My best advice is to just let it go.  I don't think you can change this about him, and in our house, at least, it's not worth the fight.  I would just plan to attend the party without DH going forward.  It's crazy this time of year with lots of parties and commtiments, so your work colleagues don't need to know the reason your husband isn't there - just say he was busy, and enjoy the night without him.  If he tries to say next year that he'll go, I think it's okay to call him out a bit on the wardrobe issue.

The only other alternative which may work would be to buy him a nice suit or at least a new shirt.  That may get the point across.  For my DH, though, that would probably just annoy him since he'd know my ulterior motives, so step carefully around that option.

krizzo17

Honestly, I'd dress nicely myself and just try to remember that how he dresses on reflects on him and his choices. I prefer to get more dressed up for holidays, whereas my husband prefers jeans and a long sleeve shirt (not button down). When we visit my family, he tends to put on khakis because he knows I appreciate the effort, but with his family he wears jeans and I usually wear a skirt (my wearing a skirt doesn't bother him, otherwise I'd consider wearing jeans as well). What people wear only reflects on one person - themselves.

CurlsNpearls12

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

In Response to NWR H is pissing me off : Why does he feel miserable and out of his element for wearing a dress shirt and pants?  I think I remember you talking about this before.
Posted by Edie Bee

Edie yes I did bring this up before I think!! I don't think it was the wardrobe that made him feel out of his element, but more that everyone around him was dressed up, in his words "too fancy for him" and he felt out of place I guess?

StageManager14

Sounds to me like he's using the dressing up thing to get out of a miserable night around people that he is uncomfortable around.  I'd let it go and just assume he won't be attending the office Christmas party from here on out.

ETA:  Is it really worth making him suffer so that you can spend the party worried about him/irritated with him?

Carson386

My FI hates dressing up too. For a few years now I've asked him to dress nice for my dad's family Christmas party (we go to a nice hall, everyone dresses nice, no jeans) and FI comes downstairs wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.

StageManager14

I also think it's a little dramatic to be worrying about where your relationship "went wrong" because your H doesn't like getting dressed up and spending the evening with your coworkers.  Total speculation here, but based on the OP, I'm going to guess that you might possibly make a bigger deal out of this than is warranted, thereby ratcheting up the stress and making it worse for both of you.

AddieL73

One of my best friends' husbands is like this. Not about the clothes, but about his behavior at functions. Every time he has gone to something with my friend, he has acted like he is so put out to be there. He has even gone to sit in the car or left early if they took separate cars. She eventually just stopped having him come. She worried at first that people would be all, "Why doesn't her husband ever come?" but then she decided she would rather have a good time herself and not be worrying all night that he wasn't having a good time and that he would embarrass her by being kind of jerky. 

CurlsNpearls12

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

I also think it's a little dramatic to be worrying about where your relationship "went wrong" because your H doesn't like getting dressed up and spending the evening with your coworkers.  Total speculation here, but based on the OP, I'm going to guess that you might possibly make a bigger deal out of this than is warranted, thereby ratcheting up the stress and making it worse for both of you.
Posted by StageManager14

I was basically being sarcastic. It's obvious to me that it's not my fault or our relationship's fault he can't dress nice. I haven't been making a big deal about it to HIM only because I know we'd start an argument over something so pitty.

I'm pretty sure I'll just be going by myself anyway. And I think you're right...he's just making excuses to get out of a stuffy party.

achiduck

H doesn't like dressing up but he'll do it when he has to because he'll feel like crap if he stands out b/c he's too casual, etc.

I would just go without him and have a good time. Plus I would probably stop telling your coworkers that he won't come b/c of the dress-up issue. They don't need to know.

If someone asks you can always say his work schedule didn't coordinate with the party time.

Liatris2010

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

Sounds to me like he's using the dressing up thing to get out of a miserable night around people that he is uncomfortable around.  I'd let it go and just assume he won't be attending the office Christmas party from here on out. ETA:  Is it really worth making him suffer so that you can spend the party worried about him/irritated with him?
Posted by StageManager14

I agree with all of this. You'll both be miserable if you keep dragging him to these things, just leave him home.

stantokm

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off : Edie yes I did bring this up before I think!! I don't think it was the wardrobe that made him feel out of his element, but more that everyone around him was dressed up, in his words "too fancy for him" and he felt out of place I guess?
Posted by CurlsNpearls12

You've probably already tried this, but I'd try to point out to him that just because someone dresses "fancy" for a party doesn't mean that they're snobs.  Clearly you enjoy dressing up for this event and he loves you enough to marry you so it doesn't make sense that EVERYONE there is too fancy for him.

Could you go with him to pick out a nice outfit that he likes better (maybe khaki pants instead of black pants)?

Also, adults are supposed to dress to the occasion.  I wouldn't wear high heels to play football in the yard just like I wouldn't wear a t-shirt and flip-flops to meet the Queen.  Maybe just say, "It would make me very happy if you came to the party wearing this shirt and these pants because I'd like my co-workers to meet the awesome man whom I'm marrying.  I'll be disappointed if you choose not to come, but ultimately it's up to you."

gurrlballa10

TBH, I think it's kind of BS that your H can't suck it up for a few hours for a work function. 

TiffanyT816

My FI hates dressing up. The guy works in a manufacturing place so he definitely doesn't have to dress nice for work. Dressing up is just not something he does often enough to feel comfortable doing. I am flexible about it and suggest things, but definitely don't demand him to wear certain things. He also easily feels uncomfortable at my holiday parties for work, I know more people and he doesn't know anyone....but, he does end up generally having a good time.

Why don't you offer to go without him? My FI would never go for that, but it's a way to compromise if it would make him feel better....

ETA: I just read the rest of your post - he hasn't gone before. So what. Go without him. Less headache. I definitely think you're putting way too much into this though.

s-aries8990

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

TBH, I think it's kind of BS that your H can't suck it up for a few hours for a work function. 
Posted by gurrlballa10

Is there anyone there that you see outside of work? Is there anyone there he will know? I think it's kind of bull that he can't show up looking nice. But, how important to you is this party? Is it something that could help your career, etc?

Avion22

I don't really understand why people feel "uncomfortable" dressing up in appropriate clothing, but I guess it's actually quite common.

My H and I are jeans and t-shirt people.  I wear coveralls and no makeup to work and he wears jeans.   But when I have a formal work function (4-5 times a year), we dress up.  I buy a nice dress and he wears a suit or tux.  Then we go back to jeans and t-shirts.   It's not a big deal to us.

Does he know how nice you think he looks in nice clothing?   Maybe try complimenting him when he makes an effort, and he'll realize that he likes looking nice for you.   I always tell my H how sexy he looks in a suit or tux.  It's not that I don't like how he looks when he's dressed down, just that it's nice to see him dressed nicely for a change.  And he similarly compliments me when I put in some effort:-)

If, in the end, he doesn't want to go (because he doesn't like dressing up or doesn't like going), then just leave him at home.  Don't worry about what people at work will think.  You don't need to go into details, just tell them that he had other commitments (even if his other commitment was sitting at home in his sweats).    They won't really care.

Liatris2010

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

TBH, I think it's kind of BS that your H can't suck it up for a few hours for a work function. 
Posted by gurrlballa10

I agree, but I also am willing to bet this is about more than clothes. My guess is that he doesn't want to get dressed up for a party that won't be much fun for him (people he doesn't know well, likely talking about work-related things he doesn't want or can't talk about). I don't look forward to putting on heels and makeup if it is for a party where I don't know anyone, why would I expect my H to feel different?

gurrlballa10

I just think of work functions as kind of a part of the job.  If my H didn't show up to it two years in a row, yeah I think that looks kind of crappy on you.  Just my opinion, but I'd probably look at H strange if he said he wasn't coming.  Especially because "he didn't want to dress up."  Yeah, sometimes they suck, but it's a neccessary evil.

kwitherington

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

I just think of work functions as kind of a part of the job.  If my H didn't show up to it two years in a row, yeah I think that looks kind of crappy on you.  Just my opinion, but I'd probably look at H strange if he said he wasn't coming.  Especially because "he didn't want to dress up."  Yeah, sometimes they suck, but it's a neccessary evil.
Posted by gurrlballa10

I agree with this if it's actually for your company.  I've never worked for a place where I'd get side-eyed if my significant other didn't come to a work function, particularly at a time of year when there are a lot of other commitments.

gurrlballa10

I have never been to a wok party for H or I where 99% of the spouses weren't there, so that's where I'm coming from.  To me, it looks strange.  And his reason is BS.

Liatris2010

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

I just think of work functions as kind of a part of the job.  If my H didn't show up to it two years in a row, yeah I think that looks kind of crappy on you.  Just my opinion, but I'd probably look at H strange if he said he wasn't coming.  Especially because "he didn't want to dress up."  Yeah, sometimes they suck, but it's a neccessary evil.
Posted by gurrlballa10

Yeah, but if it is for my job and not my H's, why should he be required to put on a good show? I know in academics it is different, but if your boss promotes the people with the most charming spouses, your boss sucks.

gurrlballa10

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off : Yeah, but if it is for my job and not my H's, why should he be required to put on a good show? I know in academics it is different, but if your boss promotes the people with the most charming spouses, your boss sucks.
Posted by Liatris2010

Yeah, I'm going to go with nowhere did I say that.  My boss and my H actually get along great.  I just said that, spouses come to work parties around here and it's strange when they don't.  Especially for that excuse.  I guess it may be different because I actually like all my co-workers and so does my H, but that still wouldn't change if he comes or not.  Same as me going to his.

mcda04

In Response to NWR H is pissing me off:

Tomorrow is my work Christmas party, which we have every year. It's pretty formal- cocktail dresses, suits, hair and makeup done, etc. Two years ago, I brought my H (FI at time) as my date. It was miserable to get him to wear something appropriate. I didn't even ask him to wear a damn tie. Just a button up dress shirt and some black dress pants. He was so miserable the entire time. He felt out of his element even though I tried to make him as comfortable as possible. Last year I left him at home because he didn't want to dress nicely. We argued the whole day about him not wearing this stupid black shirt he has that has camouflage on it. SERIOUSLY!? This year is the same. My party is tomorrow and I did RSVP for two because he told me he would go. Now he's arguing that he's not wearing what would be appropriate (black pants, button up shirt).   Again, he's talking about that stupid black shirt with the camouflage on it. I'm going to burn the damn thing I swear. I told him that's fine I'll leave him at home AGAIN. So GREAT, my co-workers not only think my new H is an idiot for not dressing up, being immature, etc., they realize it's been two years in a row now. FML What have I done wrong in our relationship? Is it really THAT hard for a grown man to dress appropriate for a Christmas Party? Seriously? I'm at my wits end here.
Posted by CurlsNpearls12

Awww.

my Christmas party is tonight and I also argued a little with H last night over attire. Mine is the opposite though, he wants to go in a full on suit which i think is very overdressed. Mind you, this is the first formal Christmas party my company has ever had. Christmas used to be a luncheon in our manufacturing shop floor and a raffle.

I'm just wearing a cute knee length cocktail dress and I'm afraid he'd be too much. ugh. whatever, he's wearing his suit. He'll be the one that feels uncomfortable not me.

He does get along with a few co-workers though since we also have family picnics during the summer where people come in jeans and T-Shirts and we all get to know each other's wife/husband/gf/bf/ parents......

RetreadBride

I agree with you.  I think he's being childish, but let it go.  Attend the party alone.  You aren't glued at the hip, and it's nobody's business why he isn't there.  If questioned, "he's unable to attend," is all you need offer. 

They're being rude if they continue to question you .  If they do, Bean Dip them. 

phoebeann44

I would just say go without him, my BF HATES dressing up but he will on occasion if I ask nicely! He thinks his worn out and stained carharts are dressy enough, he's from southern Arkansas, although I found it really helped when we went shopping together and let him pick out things he liked that I could live with, that way he didn't feel like he was forced to dress nicely but that it was his choice. Its not always worth the stress or fight, if he doesn't want you going with out him tell him to suck it up, but if he's ok with you going without him then I'd just do it that way from now on!

StageManager14

H comes to some, but definitely not all of the social functions at my job a year.  I go to ONE of his, his choice which one, because his coworkers think like gurrlballa and start thinking there's something wrong with our marriage if I don't put in the occasional appearance.  

I abhor most of his coworkers, I find them obnoxious and up tight and I spend the entire evening worrying I'll accidentally say or do something that will piss someone off or offend them.  I spend the whole night miserable, H spends the whole night worried about me because I'm obviously not having a good time, and we leave as soon as possible without looking bad.  And, H UNDERSTANDS all of this, so when I'm grouchy about going, he makes it a point to be encouraging and tell me how much he appreciates it, rather than getting irritated at me because I don't want to go.

StageManager14

In Response to Re:NWR H is pissing me off:

I would just say go without him, my BF HATES dressing up but he will on occasion if I ask nicely! He thinks his worn out and stained carharts are dressy enough, he's from southern Arkansas, although I found it really helped when we went shopping together and let him pick out things he liked that I could live with, that way he didn't feel like he was forced to dress nicely but that it was his choice. Its not always worth the stress or fight, if he doesn't want you going with out him tell him to suck it up, but if he's ok with you going without him then I'd just do it that way from now on!
Posted by phoebeann44

Excuse the hell out of me???  Are you seriously saying that being from Arkansas is his reason for not knowing how to properly dress???

Edie Bee

Stage, you mean you're from Arkansas and you know how to dress yourself??  However did you figure that out?!

StageManager14

In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:

Stage, you mean you're from Arkansas and you know how to dress yourself??  However did you figure that out?!
Posted by Edie Bee

But by the grace of Clint and Stacy go I.

phoebeann44

WOW no I didn't mean it's an excuse not to know how to dress, I just meant he's a southern boy who feels more at home in carharts and boots than dressy clothes, he can pull off a suit better than most men I know, it just doesn't mean he's happy about it! I take extreme pride in the fact I was born and raised in Arkansas and didn't mean to offend anyone!