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Brother bails as a groomsmen

belleubrtbelleubrt
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So I just want to see if my fiance and I are the only ones who feel this is wrong, or if other people do.

When we got engaged I always pictured my younger brother standing up there with me.  We decided to have a fall wedding next year and I asked my brother to be a groomsmen and he agreed. We've always been really close.

He plays football at college and has now decided to play in the game the day of our wedding instead of being in our wedding. Is what bothers me the most is that he didn't even tell me! My mom had to tell me!

Does anyone else disagree with this
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Re: Brother bails as a groomsmen

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    KatePlusNate04KatePlusNate04 member
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    I feel like I've seen a post about this exact same dilemma on another board. Was it your or someone else?

    College athletes have to take their sport seriously. I know that for some, if you miss a game, you're taken off the team. It's a prior commitment he had that is very important to him. If you knew he played college fball and fall is football season, why didn't you double check the date with him first? It's very probable he HAS to play the game or can't be on the team anymore.
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    crash2729crash2729 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-bails-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d380857f-ab78-484e-906f-ffdb248247b2Post:553b7492-f540-4737-8425-4252d52b3fe9">Re: Brother bails as a groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Brother bails as a groomsmen : Did you check with him and his football schedule before picking your date?
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>This. </div><div>
    </div><div>It may be possible that he didn't make the choice, that the coach did. I think if it was that important to you, knowing that you were getting married during football season, you would have checked with him before you picked your date.</div>
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    mica178mica178 member
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    I'm sorry that you found out through your mother.

    Ditto what the PPs said.  College athletes often don't a choice in the matter, especially since many of them get scholarships or other college perks for being on a university team.
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    Ljacks87Ljacks87
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-bails-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d380857f-ab78-484e-906f-ffdb248247b2Post:553b7492-f540-4737-8425-4252d52b3fe9">Re: Brother bails as a groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Brother bails as a groomsmen : Did you check with him and his football schedule before picking your date?
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    I wonder this, as well. And is he on a football scholarship? Perhaps he asked his coach if he would be able to skip and the coach is a jerk. He might have a lot to lose by not attending the game. You need to talk to your brother about why he is choosing the game over your wedding, tell him how it makes you feel and try to work something out (even if it means changing your date),  rather than asking a bunch of strangers about what is right vs. wrong.In the end, it doesn't matter who is right, all that matters is that your brother can come to your wedding.

    I also wanted an autumn wedding. However, all of my bridesmaids were in grad school in different states and would've just started a new semester when I wanted my wedding to take place. For that reason, I chose to have my wedding in July so that all of the most important people in my life were able to participate.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I think he should have told you directly, but I do not think it's bad he choose the game.   

    Disappointing?  Absolutely !






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    If his presence was so important to you, why didn't you make sure that your wedding didn't conflict with any of his games? 



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    pgcppgcp member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-bails-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d380857f-ab78-484e-906f-ffdb248247b2Post:ce3af4a6-f8e2-485b-833f-20ee32517065">Re: Brother bails as a groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]If his presence was so important to you, why didn't you make sure that your wedding didn't conflict with any of his games? 
    Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]
    seriously!  I think you really messed up.
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    mandydc0509mandydc0509 member
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    edited December 2011
    I had a similar situation to this that I wrote a thread for in August - My sister stepped down as my MOH bc it turned out that her high school's first class of seniors are graduating on the day of my wedding (we found out after the date had been set). She's a teacher/administrator, so it's important that she go.

    So yeah, its really disappointing, but I don't want to cause trouble for her at work. My FI and I had already put several deposits down for vendors at this point, so it was too late to move it. Plus, my dad, who is contributing about 50% of the funds, said to just let it be. So we'll see what happens. There's still a chance that she can make part of the wedding/reception.

    I'm sure that if you brother had a choice, he'd be standing up there with you, and there's a chance he didn't tell you bc he was upset or knew how upset you would be. Don't be too hard on him - it's a tough situation.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    Most schools have games from Sept until Thanksgiving weekend.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    futuremrsgatesfuturemrsgates
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    If there's time, I would move your wedding if it's THAT important to you - and ditto on the making sure there are no conflicts. My FI is a football FANATIC, so us getting married during football season was out of the question.

    It sucks that your brother cannot be there, but if he risks losing a spot on the team or his scholarship by missing the game, he kind of has no choice :(
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-bails-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d380857f-ab78-484e-906f-ffdb248247b2Post:154e61d0-c117-4072-8ebc-ad652e46d0aa">Re: Brother bails as a groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like I've seen a post about this exact same dilemma on another board. Was it your or someone else?
    Posted by KatePlusNate04[/QUOTE]

    Yes, there was a post about this awhile back.  The bride mentioned that her brother played football but their dad was encouraging the brother to miss the wedding and go to the game.  The bride in that post said how her brother was only on the practice squad and never plays anyway. 

    OP - if its that important your brother attends your wedding, try to change the date of your wedding.  As PP said, it can be almost impossible for a college athlete to miss a game.  This should have been something you considered when picking your date, since your brother is one of your VIPs.
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    Grits8812Grits8812 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-bails-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d380857f-ab78-484e-906f-ffdb248247b2Post:154e61d0-c117-4072-8ebc-ad652e46d0aa">Re: Brother bails as a groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like I've seen a post about this exact same dilemma on another board. Was it your or someone else? College athletes have to take their sport seriously. I know that for some, if you miss a game, you're taken off the team. It's a prior commitment he had that is very important to him. If you knew he played college fball and fall is football season, why didn't you double check the date with him first? It's very probable he HAS to play the game or can't be on the team anymore.
    Posted by KatePlusNate04[/QUOTE]
    This.
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    LoopysevenLoopyseven member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Ditto the PP's who said if you really wanted him there you should have made sure your wedding didn't conflict with any of his games.  Knowing he is a college athlete that would have been the best way to make sure there wasn't a conflict.  
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    knamos85knamos85 member
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    Belle, I guess I'm going to be the only one to give you the benefit of the doubt. You said you told you brother the wedding was in the fall and he said he'd be there. Did he start playing college football before or after you asked him?

    Maybe it was your flub, or his, or both; I do agree that if nothing is set in stone to try to move the day.

    Best of luck to you!
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-bails-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d380857f-ab78-484e-906f-ffdb248247b2Post:c715afdc-b2f6-442b-b34a-ad342e8f53ad">Re: Brother bails as a groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]Belle, I guess I'm going to be the only one to give you the benefit of the doubt. You said you told you brother the wedding was in the fall and he said he'd be there. Did he start playing college football before or after you asked him? Maybe it was your flub, or his, or both; I do agree that if nothing is set in stone to try to move the day. Best of luck to you!
    Posted by knamos85[/QUOTE]

    I'm not saying that it doesn't ever happen, but college football isn't one of those things people just wake up and decide to play one day. If he's on a college football team -- and he's not a kicker who came over from the soccer team -- he's been playing football since he wasprobably  8 or 9 years old and it's no surprise (or shouldn't be) to the OP that football is played in the fall.
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    mrcoolrinkmrcoolrink member
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    I could understand if he has to suit up for every game to fulfill scholarship requriements or his roster spot depends on him playing. 

    But if that is the case, he should have said something about it up front so that you were aware of the situation and could arrange contingency plans if need be.  He should have also said something as soon as he saw the team schedule to notify you that he couldn't make it on that date.  Your mother shouldn't have been the one to tell you.
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    chelseamb11chelseamb11 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-bails-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d380857f-ab78-484e-906f-ffdb248247b2Post:9fcf2e22-26b7-4f66-9bf4-4f14ce076b47">Brother bails as a groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I just want to see if my fiance and I are the only ones who feel this is wrong, or if other people do. When we got engaged I always pictured my younger brother standing up there with me.  We decided to have a fall wedding next year and I asked my brother to be a groomsmen and he agreed. We've always been really close. He plays football at college and <strong>has now</strong> <strong>decided</strong> to play in the game the day of our wedding instead of being in our wedding. Is what bothers me the most is that he didn't even tell me! My mom had to tell me! Does anyone else disagree with this
    Posted by belleubrt[/QUOTE]

    What I get out of this is that OP's brother originally said he could miss the game and now he's changing his mind.  If OP waited to set the date and book venues until after her brother gave her the OK, then it's the brother's fault.  The "has now decided" makes me think that the brother gave her the go-ahead originally but now says he needs to play.
    Regardless of the situation, OP, you should check out what the options are.  He should have also have told you himself, no matter what the reasoning.
     
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