Is it rude to decline offers of $$$?

yellowdaisies84

My Mom wants to pay for my wedding dress, plus give us at least $1000 towards the honeymoon. She's also mentioned giving us $2000 now to help get us started with wedding planning. I really don't want her to pay for the dress or for anything wedding related so I plan to say no and to try to redirect her to maybe help me out with some of the planning instead of paying for anything.

She REALLY wants to pay and seemed frustrated that I wasn't making it easy for her. I REALLY don't want her to pay.

Is it rude to decline her offer?

lyndausvi

Why don't you want her to help?

For control purposes I understand, but some parents dream of the day they can help their daughter get married.  I guess I don't understand taking that away from them.  

Gustafson28

Is there a reason you don't want her to pay? A lot of people would be very happy to change places with you. If it's because she cannot afford to pay then say that her help would be worth more than any amount of money. Some parents dream of the day that they can help make their child's wedding a special event.

Gustafson28

You beat me to it lyn!

achiduck

I am also curious why you don't want her to help out financially. 

Is it rude to decline? No. Will you hurt her feelings? Quite possibly. Just something to consider.

Loopyseven

I also want to know why you are so against her helping you pay.  

I know H and I told my parents that we really wanted to pay for our wedding ourselves, but we'd really appreciate it if they'd give us whatever they had planned to help with as a wedding gift towards the honeymoon and some household project we'd be putting off.

yellowdaisies84

The main reason that I want to decline is because I seriously question whether my Mom can really afford to help us that much. Or, another way to put it, I feel like my fiance and I are in a much better financial situation than my Mom. It feels unnecessary to take money from her.

She has also been strongly suggesting since we got engaged that we have the wedding at her house. She keeps saying she could rent a tent, fix up the house and the garden. I thought it was nice of her to offer, but she was so insistent it made me a little uncomfortable. My fiance and I want to have a wedding at a beautiful venue such as a few wineries that we like and have a nice meal- and we can afford to do this. It's still expensive but we can afford to do it and plan to do all the other wedding details on a tight budget. My mom lives in a very small, very modest house that seriously wouldn't be practical to fit all of our guests in- even if it were in the backyard- and it isn't at all what I would want or what my fiance would want. It's not the house that I grew up in or anything like that so it's not that there's a sentimental value that I'm overlooking.

If we do accept the money from her I will feel guilty to take her money and I will feel less removed from her when I make wedding decisions. She has strong opinions about how to do a wedding on a budget. In addition to suggesting we have it at her house she was pointedly telling me that we should have it at a city hall and then have a party at our house afterwards. (We don't have a house- we have a one-bedroom apartment! But if I had mentioned that, she would have again offered up her house.) We have a vision for our wedding and we can afford it, but she makes me feel like we're being extravagant because we're not taking her up on her offer to have it at her house. We're having 50 guests to our wedding. I would say her house would comfortably fit a party for about 20-25 tops. Plus, we just want to have a formal wedding.

My fiance and I work full-time, his job is quite high paying. She is a senior, retired, widowed, and taking care of her mom. I'm so uncomfortable that she wants to give us money but I know that her heart is in the right place. She grew up quite wealthy and she's old-fashioned so I think that she feels like it would be un-natural for her not to pay for her daughters wedding, at least in part, and she's obviously willing to do it very inexpensively.

I feel stressed about this! I don't want to be rude to my mom. I don't want her to pay!

[Deleted User]

I agree, let her pay or help her pay for the dress. It sounds like it would give her a lot of pleasure. Else just tell her that you appreciate the offer of money but it would mean more to you if she was there to help out with decisions instead of with her money. You appreciate the money but can afford what you are planning and would rather see her treat herself to something special instead.

Another idea is maybe agree to let her treat you to a mother/daughter day shortly before the wedding where you go & get your nails done & do lunch & errands. I think she wants to be included more then anything.

Cortney1982

I would tell your mother that you would like to accept her offer to pay for the dress and go shopping together.  If she offers anything else, tell her it's already been taken care of.  That way she feels included in some way but cannot control anything wedding related.

OwningAHome1981

You mom would not have offered to pay if she could not afford it. I think it's a real sweet gesture bc a lot of other couples I know had to pay for it themselves. You're lucky that she is offering to help and she obv cares about you and wants to help, so I say if it means a lot to her, let her.

Just H

We did not need my parents financial help with the wedding plus I did not want to deal with control issues tied to accepting the money.  I told my parents if they really wanted us to have it to save it for future grandchildren's college fund. 

lcatterton

Let's see... How would I feel if my daughter not only did not accept any of my ideas for her wedding, but then also told me that she did not want any of my money to help her out either? I think that would totally suck and I'd be greatly hurt by your actions.

Maybe sit down with your mother and have a heart to heart. Explain to her exactly what your dream wedding would look like. Tell her that you're able to afford these things and that they are what you truly want. She sounds like a fabulous woman and I'm guessing that if explained in detail she would understand that a gorgeous venue and formal affair are what you prefer and important to you. My guess is that when you start talking about and planning the details she'll love being included more than anything and possibly start offering to pay for things that you've already decided on. Maybe let her pay for food or the photographer or DJ (if you'll have these things) that way she is still helping, but on something that is pretty straight forward. I think being open and honest about things with her is the best way to go.

arendiva

I think it's fine to decline money if you are concerned that it comes with too many strings attached. Just try to involve your mom in areas where you aren't woried about her opinion being oppressive. Maybe invite her to go to a bridal expo with you, or a cake tasting.

RRWB

Why not accept her funds, put it in a savings account. and give her a huge thank you gift with the money after (maybe she wants a trip?)

that way she gets to feel like she is helping and you don't have to feel like you are taking her money?