Wedding Etiquette Forum

Does having a difficult bridesmaid mean I have to be effected by it?

My boyfriend and I are soon to be engaged, we looked at rings and he is picking one out in time for December. Our families know this is coming and I have already started some researching.

I was in his sister's wedding and my mother told me it would be nice of me to have her in mine. When I asked my boyfriend who he thinks should be a bridesmaid he mentioned his sister as one of them.

She is just so incredibly difficult to be around I think because I have never met someone in my life that was so snobby and so full of themselves and -controlling-. We are alike in ways, just that we both have the same style and like the same things and so we at least have something in common. 
All I will say is I am in awe that she has any friends at all with the way she acts and the way she treats people. Acts like she always has a tiara on her head and treats people like they're her pets/slaves, she's 29.

Now, I will be honest, I don't think she will act like this towards me by being in the wedding but I'm also afraid that because I'm marrying her brother that she will think she has a right to add people to the guest list or do things a certain way-- basically be controlling.

Honestly, I don't want her there for anything she doesn't absolutely have to be there for. I think my only other bridesmaid will be my sister. So it's not like I'm leaving her out of a group of 5 other bridesmaids. 
I honestly don't want her in it, I still have to talk to my boyfriend about it. But I think I may just have her in it to be nice and everything. I think the controlling part won't make any difference whether she's in it or not.

Is there anything any of you are doing or have done that made something like this any easier??

Re: Does having a difficult bridesmaid mean I have to be effected by it?

  • I didn't have my SILs in my wedding party. They did readings instead. HOWEVER, no one in the family expected them to be asked. It didn't occur to my husband (he's not terribly close to them) and his parents never demanded it. I honestly think they would have been surprised and uncomfortable to be asked. 

    Ask your BF if she would prefer to do a reading. She could also be a groomswoman and stand on his side (my brother was a bridesman). However, it some families, siblings are always expected to be in the wedding party and it would be an insult not to include her.
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  • While you are not required to have her in your wedding (weddings shouldn't be tit for tat like that), since your BF and FMIL asked you, I think it would be the right thing to do. And perhaps it may save some family drama and problems when you are actually planning the wedding.

    I get along great with my SIL and she was in our wedding. I didn't even hesitate to ask her. H only has one sister, so it wasn't a big deal.

    BM's are not required to do anything besides put on their dress and show up. The best advice I could give you should you decide to go ahead and ask her (which you should wait until you are about 6-8 mos out from your wedding date to do so) is not to disclose many details if any at all to her. Just tell her the dress, style, etc, she needs to wear, where to get it and that is it.

    As far as other things go, I think you are jumping the gun and getting ahead of yourself considering you aren't engaged yet. If she starts to interfere or take control of things (ie: bridal shower) let your other BM's or who ever is hosting the party worry about that.
  • Marth85Marth85 member
    First Comment
    edited October 2010
    Oh no, my FMIL did not ask me, my mother said I should include his sister.

    haha and yes we are definitely doing some stuff early but it's really just general research because we don't want to spend a lot but would like about 120-150 people so the price is already going to be a lot. He and I aren't talking about that a lot yet because I think that will be part of the excitement once engaged in another month and a half!

    I do think she should be in it just because I know it will be weird if she's not... even though I do wish I could skip it and do a suggestion from you guys like have her do a reading. That is also good to know when I will ask (the 8 months in advance). I told him tonight that I would like to ask her myself and to not tell her she will be in it. I think me doing that and not him will give me some control.
  • If you don't want her to be a BM, I wouldn't cave to family pressure.  She can be a groomswoman, if it's important to your future FI.  That said - I don't understand why pushy bridesmaids are an issue for people.  There's one word you need to learn to deal with that stuff:  NO. 

    BM:  I need you to add Suzie and her H to the invite list.  I've been friends with them forever. 
    You:  Oh, they weren't on the list FI gave me of his family and friends.  I'm sorry, the guest list is already set.

    -------------------------

    BM:  I picked the BMs dresses - we'll be wearing this in blue, since your colors are going to have to be blue and yellow.
    You:  Oh, that's pretty.  Is that what you picked for your wedding?  It's just not really what I had envisioned.  We haven't set the colors yet, but once we do, I'll pick a BM dress and let you know what it is. 

    --------------------------

    BM:  You need to use XYZ Photography.  There' the best.
    You:  Thanks for the suggestion.  We've talked to a few, including that one, but we're going a different direction.

    ---------------------------

    Not that hard.  If they persist, "I'm sorry, but no." is a great response.  And then change the subject or leave.
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  • Ditto squiirrly.  Learn to say no.

    You get to pick your side and your future FI gets to pick his.  Pick people based on how close you are to them and how important they are in your life.  Don't pick people based on how you think they will act at your wedding or your events, or what you think they will do for you. 
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  • Marth85Marth85 member
    First Comment
    edited November 2010
    It's very easy to say no to her, though she is very persistent and talks as if things are already decided. It is harder if she gets his whole family behind what she demands. I know -she- will want to invite all her friends, that is one I know she'll pull, and I can just tell her no, sorry, I have a brother and a sister and unfortunately it's just too out of budget to include -their- friends, let alone yours, etc.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-difficult-bridesmaid-mean-effected?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e94f160e-b370-46eb-8c68-70f519bb5e48Post:40554bb1-c337-4ba9-ac79-8466a7ecd903">Re: Does having a difficult bridesmaid mean I have to be effected by it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's very easy to say no to her, though she is very persistent and talks as if things are already decided. It is harder if she gets his whole family behind what she demands. I know -she- will want to invite all her friends, that is one I know she'll pull, and I can just tell her no, sorry, I have a brother and a sister and unfortunately it's just too out of budget to include -their- friends, let alone yours, etc.
    Posted by Marth85[/QUOTE]

    Well you need to make sure your BF is on your side.  Given your situation as described, I would plan on paying for the wedding yourself so you and your BF have complete control over it.  As long as you and your BF are on the same page you will be fine.  As for inviting friends, my response would flat out be "hell no."  I can't stand when people think someone else's wedding is a free party for their friends.
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  • This is where I stop and feel I wish I wasn't thinking about all this stuff now, as much as I try to keep it to just researching online about how to be smart about cost, I keep coming to thinking about these things and there is nothing I can do about it now since it is all in my head-- I can only speculate based on what I know about them and I've known them over a decade at this point! So what I anticipate is likely. But I'm also creating a situation that does not exist that I can't do a single thing about because we aren't officially engaged yet!

    Another thing I worry about is the paying-- As far as I know only he and I are paying for it and it's totally fine by us.
    We want it simple due to cost as well as stress, we would just really rather it be that way: simple.
    I just worry his parents will hear how simple it's going to be and offer to help pay and then we will feel obligated to add more people... Does this happen?

    I think I need to stop thinking about this. I just like to plan and know what I'm getting myself into, I'm cautious. So far what we talked about is so perfect, I always had an image in my head and loved when he told me about his image and it matched mine. I just hope it will be what we want without their influences.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-difficult-bridesmaid-mean-effected?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e94f160e-b370-46eb-8c68-70f519bb5e48Post:a544231b-917f-48d2-bed6-47c06126599a">Re: Does having a difficult bridesmaid mean I have to be effected by it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I didn't have my SILs in my wedding party. They did readings instead. HOWEVER, no one in the family expected them to be asked. It didn't occur to my husband (he's not terribly close to them) and his parents never demanded it. I honestly think they would have been surprised and uncomfortable to be asked.</strong>  Ask your BF if she would prefer to do a reading. She could also be a groomswoman and stand on his side (my brother was a bridesman). However, it some families, siblings are always expected to be in the wedding party and it would be an insult not to include her.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]


    Same for me. My sister was my MOH, & my cousin & BFF were my other 2 BMs. My husband's 2 sisters did readings for us.

    He is only kind of close to them, & I had only met them a couple times.
  • First of all you condemed yourself by asking your boyfriend, not even a fiance yet,  his opinion about who should be a bridesmaid.  It's YOUR decision to pick bridesmaids but since you blew it and asked the BF it would probably hurt his feelings  if you didn't pick his sister now, he'll probably result to saying "Why did  you ask my opinion then" My FI tried to make me let 2 of his cousins be my BM's BUT I never asked him his opinion so I told him it was my decision who the BM's were going to be and although I appreciated his input I wanted to choose friends that were close to me not his cousins who I've only met once. 

    So basically you screwed yourself when you asked his input sorry =oP
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-difficult-bridesmaid-mean-effected?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e94f160e-b370-46eb-8c68-70f519bb5e48Post:8c085857-1ce8-44c6-9227-90427d4940a8">Re: Does having a difficult bridesmaid mean I have to be effected by it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all you condemed yourself by asking your boyfriend, not even a fiance yet,  his opinion about who should be a bridesmaid.  It's YOUR decision to pick bridesmaids but since you blew it and asked the BF it would probably hurt his feelings  if you didn't pick his sister now, he'll probably result to saying "Why did  you ask my opinion then" My FI tried to make me let 2 of his cousins be my BM's BUT I never asked him his opinion so I told him it was my decision who the BM's were going to be and although I appreciated his input I wanted to choose friends that were close to me not his cousins who I've only met once.  S<strong>o basically you screwed yourself when you asked his input sorry =oP</strong>
    Posted by Gismo123[/QUOTE]


    Um.... What? Pretty sure if a couple is going to get married, they should be able to have an adult discussion about changing their minds about something. I'm really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I really don't understand where you advice is coming from 90% of the time.
  • If you are already planning the wedding together and discussing details with the future inlaws, then you're engaged. A ring does not an engagement make.

    As for the rest, have her as a BM, and just be strong with your decisions. Focus on her good traits, maybe her bad ones will disappear :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-difficult-bridesmaid-mean-effected?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e94f160e-b370-46eb-8c68-70f519bb5e48Post:abc7f724-f252-470d-8a21-063efd94c5cf">Re: Does having a difficult bridesmaid mean I have to be effected by it?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does having a difficult bridesmaid mean I have to be effected by it? : Um.... What? Pretty sure if a couple is going to get married, they should be able to have an adult discussion about changing their minds about something. I'm really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I really don't understand where you advice is coming from 90% of the time.
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]


    Ok where in my convo did I state that I was mean to my FI about not wanting his cousins in my wedding?  I believe I said "I appreciated his input but I wanted to pick friends who were close to me"  So how is that not having an adult convo?  I didn't go around going "oh my god I'm so not picking your cousins it's my wedding no way!!!"  I advised her that since she asked his opinion that she should go with having her soon to be sister in law in the wedding because it would hurt his feelings knowing that she asked for his opinion in the first place.  How much more clear do I have to be? 
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